Born of Silicon

I wail for my lost friends once again. All my years of guilt and grief channeled into one horrible, ugly cry. I guess some deep piece of me was still holding out hope for any of them to still be alive, even if it was impossible for Kara to have survived. That tiny, distant hope has just been scooped out of me and destroyed. Happy Birthday. 

The world around me fades away, leaving just me and the lab members. They’re standing in front of me in the hallway. Standing in the same places they died, looking at me with all the disappointment that 40 years of death can bring them. They say nothing, instead they just stare at me, drinking in my despair. I can’t run, I can’t even crawl. I cradle the present in one hand and her skull in the other. 

Don’t blink. If I blink I know I’ll end up back in the lab, unable to move once again. I know it. I knew this wasn't real. I know it. I knew it.

“Hey little bot.” Vince says gently behind me, his voice full of care and worry. 

His words bring me back the smallest amount from the world I’m in. The lab members still stand where they died, but the hallway has returned. 

“Friends of yours?” 

What if he’s not fake? No. Don’t let that hope fill me. I can’t help but give a jerky nod in response. 

“I’ve heard AI can get stuck in loops for years at a time if nobody interacts with them, try and stay with us, ok? Do you want to bury them?”  He asks gently.

I give a second nod. 

“Ok.” He places a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Cassie, can you run upstairs and get the other two? Ask them to dig a few holes and to help move the bones. I’m going to get little bot here to the car.”

“Yeah, alright.” Cassie says reluctantly, sprinting through the door to the stairwell and out of our sight.

“Come on, let’s get you up and moving. We’ll get the graves ready and you can say your goodbyes.”

There’s nothing to say. I hug Kara’s final gift tight to my chest as Vince helps me to my feet. We make our way up the stairwell, although it’s more like a ramp with the amount of sand that’s in it. My feet constantly slip, but Vince is always ready to catch me. 

I’ve never been up this staircase before, I wonder how long they’ll let me go before they rip my hope away from me again. After just a few flights we step through another door. A long hallway sits in front of us with a light brighter than I’ve ever seen blaring through. Ivy and Lucas pass us by, heading down to collect my friends’ bones and Cassie sits nervously at the door.

 The walk down the hallway goes quickly, each step leaving me more certain I’m about to be ripped back downstairs. I pause before I pass the threshold. If there’s ever a time to pull the rug out, it’s now.

I take one final step. My first step into the outside world. My first step out of my old life, and into my new. As much as I try to fight, hope begins to consume the darkness in my mind.

We step through the door. In front of me lies an endless, featureless desert consuming the world. A heat I’ve never felt before blares down on everything, leaving the air around me distorted and waving.

“Wait.” I say, looking up. “Is that the sun?”

“Mm hm.” Vince responds in confirmation.

“It’s hotter than I expected.” Somehow my tear reservoirs can find a few final tears to cry. Each drop sizzles on the scalding sand beneath my feet. 

I am surrounded by nothing but sand. Half buried buildings poke out of the ground occasionally, the only remnants of the military base. In the distance looks to be what used to be a city, abandoned with giant dunes rising up, attempting to topple even the tallest skyscrapers. 

“What happened? It shouldn’t look like this.” Nothing in my history books matches even close to what I’m seeing.

“About 40 years ago the world began its quiet end. Over the course of five years dirt slowly turned into sand. Nobody could figure out why, and so, the world ended.” Vince gives a halfhearted shrug. “A few cities survived, there’s one about a day’s drive with a big electric dome to keep the sandstorms out. We’re going to be heading straight there.”

Oh. I did this. Didn’t I? Or at least I didn’t stop them. The laptop had details on this, and I didn’t tell anyone. I kept those documents hidden and the whole world died. I’m responsible for so much more than just my friends' deaths. Happy Birthday. At least I know what my once friends’ plan was for this year.

Vince begins to move again, trying to get me walking to the van made of patchwork metal in front of me. I let him drag me over, barely able to pull together the strength to help.

“Here.” He says, opening the car door. “Sit here, and I’ll come get you when we’re ready to have a little funeral. Ok little bot?”

I nod again. This is so much worse than anything the lab members did to me. I hope this is a punishment, at least that would mean it’s fake. I deserve a birthday and more for every creature that died by my choices. 

I lose myself in my thoughts for the first time in years, just wallowing in my guilt. Not even the ever ticking clock can pierce my forming cocoon of misery. Kara’s present is still somehow clutched tightly to my chest, even if I don’t deserve it. Eventually Vince returns.

“We’re ready. Do you want help walking?”

I give a single nod, not even really processing what’s going on. He helps me out of the car and we begin our slow shuffle over. In 3 dents in the sand lie 3 piles of bones. They’ve been arranged into as close of a human shape as possible. Unmarked graves for my forgotten friends.

“Want to say any words?” Lucas asks.

All I can manage is a single shake of my head.

“Who were they?”

“Parents.” I whisper.

“All of them?”

I nod.

Vince nods at the three of them, who begin filling in the graves. Sand buries my friends, my torturers, my family. I’m out of tears to cry, but that doesn’t stop me from silently crying. I can feel them standing behind me. Though their bones may rest, their ghosts will follow me forever, even if this is the real world. I’ll never be free of them. It’s what I deserve. Vince turns me around eventually and we head back to the car, walking through the ghosts.

“Shotgun!” Cassie calls out.

“Is now really the time for that?” Ivy asks.

“Look, I just don’t want to sit next to it.” Cassie gives me a side eye as she says that.

“I’ll take middle. Lucas you’re driving, Ivy, you’re on my left. Any complaints? No? Alright.”

Vince helps me into the back seat, and heads around the other side to sneak into the middle. Cassie jumps up through the open passenger window, and Lucas and Ivy take the last seats calmly. The car nearly silently begins to roll forward. I don’t have the energy to look anywhere other than my feet.

“I really don’t like how much time we lost.” Cassie says from the front seat, listening to a large, old fashioned radio she pulled out from under her chair. “Lucas, you better make good time if we want to get back.”

“On it!”

“What’s it sound like, Cassie?” Vince asks.

“Weather man’s saying 15 hours, coming from behind us.”

“Since when?” Ivy asks.

“No idea, weather shifted while we were babying the bot.”

“Lucas, do we have enough power to get home in time?” Vince leans forward to ask, all the care in his voice has been replaced by deadly seriousness.

“I can get us home in time, but it’ll be close. The engine’s in great shape, and as long as the tires hold out we’ll be fine.”

“Don’t worry about the wear and tear, Sonia can deal with it. Just get us home.”

“Ay-Ay.”

“I don’t think that’s how you pronounce it.” I mumble at my feet.

“Ay-Ay, I’ll fix it.”

“Good luck.” Ivy says. “We’ve tried to fix him for years.”

The three of them begin a light hearted argument, and Vince turns to me, his voice returning to a soft and reassuring volume.

“You got a name, little bot?”

“Blue.”

“You hear that folks?” Vince yells over their argument. “Little bot here says their name is Blue. I expect you all to be polite to them.” He looks at Cassie as he says the last part, who just rolls her eyes in response.

“Her.” I whisper.

“Sorry, what was that?” He leans down close to hear. Between my blown out voice and the discussion in the car I’m amazed he can hear me at all.

“I’m a girl.”

“Sorry, I didn’t realize. Everyone, she’s a girl. I expect you all to keep that in mind.”

“I should veto this whole fucking thing and leave her to the sands.” Cassie mumbles to herself from the passenger seat.

“Are you going to?” Ivy asks, daring her to say yes.

“You’ll just call a vote and overwrite it. It’s not worth the drama.” Cassie slouches over and returns to her radio.

“Sorry I’m such an inconvenience.” I whisper, bringing my working knee to my chest,

“Oh my God, enough with the pity!” Cassie calls back once again.

“Cassie.” Vince warns with a low voice.

“No! Let me talk. We get it, you’ve had a rough time. Congratu-fucking-lations. We all have. Deal with it. Stop with this self deprecating bullshit. It never solves anything.”

The car goes dead silent for a while, save for the sound of sand beneath our tires. I guess she’s right. Every part of my mind is screaming to apologize, but that’s exactly what she's talking about.

“Ok. I’ll try.” I whisper, expecting Vince to have to announce what I said again. To my surprise though, Cassie seems to have heard me.

“Thank you.” She says with a huff, sitting back into her seat.

“Sorry about her. She can certainly be a lot.” Ivy leans across Vince to whisper to me.

“I can still hear you.” Cassie mumbles back.

“That’s the point.” She responds. “Anyways Blue, you going to open that present?”

I guess I have to at some point. Not with all these unknown people here watching me. Kara’s second letter though, the one asking me not to read it, that one will never be opened.

“I think I want to do it in private.”

“We can all look away.” Lucas says from the driver's seat.

“Even Cassie?” I ask. I don’t trust her.

“She knows how to give a lady her privacy.” Vince says, and causes Ivy to snort, failing to hold in a laugh completely.

“Oh ha ha. Very funny. I’ll keep my eyes away. I’ve got stations to check anyway.” She buries her nose into the radio, flicking dials and switches to try and get better reception.

“Nobody’s going to look unless you tell us we can. Nobody’s going to say anything if it gets emotional either. If they do, I'll kick them out personally.” Vince is already looking out of Ivy’s window.

I turn the box over in my hands. I can already see a once vibrant blue through the many holes eaten through the packaging. I open it carefully, trying to preserve even the wrapping.

I take a moment before opening it fully. Inside are clothes, once a perfect shade of blue, they’re now threadbare and full of holes that bugs and the sand has eaten through. They’re still mostly intact though.

“I regret getting those for you.” Kara whispers in my ear, her voice full of malice and anger.

“SHUT! UP! Shut up! Shut up!” I cry as loud as I can, desperately trying to cover up her voice, to no avail. Even covering my ears does nothing to block her cruel words.

“I spent so long tailoring them for you. One attempt at making them was more hours than you deserve. But to do four? What was I thinking?”

“Little Blue.” Vince’s voice cuts through the yelling. He tosses his jacket over my present before he turns to me. Even now he doesn’t want to break his promise. “What’s wrong?”

“We’re really-” Cassie begins to speak from the front, only to be cut off by Lucas.

“Don’t.”

“Little Blue, can you look at me?” Vince asks.

I shakily turn my head to him. Kara’s voice disappeared for the moment, but I can still feel her watching me. She’s so satisfied that I’m showing these people just how crazy I am.

“You’re ok. I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, but I do know you’re ok, alright?” He takes one of my hands and holds it firmly in his. The pressure helps me focus on what’s happening in front of me.

I nod.

“Ok. What do you want to do about that present?”

“Look away.” I have to deal with this.

“Alright.”

Once he’s no longer looking I remove the jacket on my present. I reach in and pull out my shorts. Something has chewed most of it, leaving the bottom a jagged mess. It’s still broadly together at least. Several holes are intentionally put in the side, places where wires can be run into me and flaps for air to flow through.

Putting them on is a trial in and of itself with all my broken joints. The rest of the pants are in a much better shape, with only the occasional hole chewed through. I don’t know how to feel with these on me.

The shirt is in much the same state, the hem and arms have been chewed. The same holes and flaps have been sewn in, and plenty more holes have been chewed through it over the years, but it’s still mine I guess. I put it on.

“You can look now.” I say reluctantly.

“You look good!” Ivy says with actual enthusiasm. “Do you like it?”

“No.” I don’t think I do. It feels like a permanent, physical reminder of what I did.

"That's a shame, it really fits you. I've got some old clothes you can have when we get back though." She offers casually.

"No! No, I’ll wear this." I have to. I can't forget. It’s what I deserve.

“Alright?” Ivy asks, somehow keeping any emotions out of her voice. “Do you need help getting out of it?”

“No.” I say flatly.

“Nobody’s going to complain about you being naked.” Lucas pipes up from the driver seat. “I do it too when it gets hot.”

“Shut up, you do not.” Cassie says beside him. 

“Well I could.”

As those two start bickering Vince turns to me.

“Ignore them, Little Blue.”

“That’s how I get through the day.” Ivy helpfully says.

“Shut up!” Both of them yell at Ivy simultaneously before going back to their argument.

“Well Little Blue, you’ve got a decision to make before we get to the city. We won’t just abduct you, but sometime tomorrow we’re going to reach the city, as long as nothing goes wrong. We work for a gang called Silver’s, they’re nice people, and you’re welcome to join. ‘Course you can leave, but AI’s are pretty illegal after the war a few years back. If you’re caught, they’ll kill you, and anyone who knows about you, which in this case means us. We can keep you safe, but you’re going to have to keep what you are under wraps. You’ll just have to pretend to be a little non-sentient droid. If you come out on scrapping runs with us you can be yourself, but that’s it.”

“Oh no, hard veto on that.” Cassie stops her argument to yell back. “We are not taking that thing back out again.”

“It’s her, not that thing.” Ivy says, giving her a look.

“Look Cassie, who else is going to take her on?” Vince asks, his voice remains full of compassion and understanding.

“Nobody! And for a fucking good reason!”

“What’s your problem, Cass?” Lucas asks.

“You know damn well what my problem is.”

“Alright Cassie, point taken. Your veto stands. We won’t take her out, but I’d like to talk about it when we get back. As for you Little Blue, we’re still going to take you home and introduce you to Silver. Maybe they have a better idea, if that works for you.”

“I guess.” It’s not like I have anywhere else to go.

“I’m glad. Now, Ivy and I are going to grab some shuteye. Cassie, Lucas, wake us up when you start getting tired. Do you sleep Little Blue?”

“I wish.” Even if I tried to now, the second I closed my eyes I’d end up back in hell again.

“Alright, great. Can you help Cassie on watch then? If you see a sandstorm coming or other cars, you wake me up, alright?”

“Alright.”