Born of Silicon

I’m brought back to life by a tap on my arm. I’m still hooked up eye to eye with Kara. The rest of the lab is empty. Behind her a table is strewn with miscellaneous circuit boards, motors, and pieces of metal hooked up to a laptop.

“Morning, want out?” She asks.

“Where’s everyone else?”

“They left about an hour ago.”

Fear begins to bubble up in my mind. I don’t know if I can handle another night like Mary’s.

“Why did you wake me up?” I’m sure she can hear my emotions in my voice, even if I can’t.

“You’re not going to get much time to just relax while everyone is here. Do you want out?”

“Yes.” That can’t be her only reason, but at least if I’m out I can be prepared for whatever she’s planning.

Kara spends a few moments freeing me before she sits back down at the table. 

“What are you working on?” I walk up to the table slowly. I’m still unsure if this is a trick or something.

“I was stress testing, but it’s a little loud. It’d be hard to talk with it on.”

I stand there awkwardly, unsure what to do. Why is she doing this? What’s her goal? Oh. I get it. 

“I’m not going to talk about what’s wrong.” I say with as much certainty as I can manage.

“That’s fine, you don’t have to.”

“Good.” I continue standing there feeling awkward, unsure what to do.

“You’re allowed to sit down.” She gestures to another chair at the table.

I carefully lower myself into the chair. By the time I’ve sat down she’s already picked up some device to tinker with.

“What are you working on now then?” I ask again.

“Trying to get this thing to run Doom.” She takes a closer look at the circuit board. “It should be possible, I just need to figure out how to flash it.”

“Doom?”

“It’s just a game. Finn didn’t put anything fun in your head, did he?”

Ok, I may have been a little dumb to call what’s in my head ‘the whole of human history’, but there can’t be that much that I’m missing.

“I guess not.”

We sit together in silence for quite a while she works. I’m very grateful she’s not pushing me to talk, even though it stays on my mind. It’s nice. 

I hadn’t realized how stressful constantly interacting with everyone was. I could stay here forever, not having to think about or do anything. Just existing and letting a few strands of thought flow idly through my mind.

One of them lands on an unfortunate fact. I won’t be able to stay here forever. Kara will have to sleep eventually, and I’ll have to be put away. 

“How long can I stay awake?” I unfortunately have to break the comfortable silence.

“At least a few hours. I don’t sleep much these days.”

“I remember, you said you didn’t have enough time. Why?”

“I’m dying.” She says with no discernible change in her voice. She doesn’t even bother looking at me.

Panic threatens to consume me for just a moment before I finally think everything through. This is why she let me down, she’s doing the same thing Mary did.

“I’m not falling for this again. You’re lying.”

“I wish I was. I'll be dead by this time next year.”

“From what?” I ask quietly. She can't be serious, right?

“Cancer.”

She still doesn't look at me. How is she so calm? My mind is racing with a thousand thoughts and all of them come out without an answer. More importantly though, she needs help. I jump to my feet and begin to frantically look around for anything I can use.

“You need to sleep then! I can make a bed for you and-”

“B-11.” She raises her voice just a little bit above mine to cut me off. “I'm fine.”

“You're not going to get better without sleep!” Doesn't she see how important this is? I can pull up a dozen medical books and all of them agree that she needs sleep.

“I'm not going to get better.” Her voice stays quiet and even. “I've made my peace with that.”

“You’re not even going to try?” I just don't get it.

“I did try, it didn't work. I'd rather die here working on you than in some sterile hospital room.”

“But if you don’t get your sleep you’ll die sooner.” Tears have begun to run down my face and I can’t keep my voice from wavering.

“It’s ok.” She puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. The pressure helps center me a little bit, and the tears begin to slow just a tad. “This is my decision, let me make it.”

But can’t she see she’s making the wrong decision? She’s going to leave behind so many people, me included. How am I supposed to deal with that? Will I even know when it’s coming? Or will they just wake me up one day and she’ll be gone?

“Don’t leave me.” My voice is barely more than a whisper.

“Hey, look at me. I’ll be here for a while.”

“I’m not just going to wake up one day and you’re gone?”

“Of course not. I’ll tell you when my time is running out.” She embraces me for just a moment before sitting back in her chair like nothing happened. How is she still so calm?

“Ok.” I drop roughly back into my chair. “This isn’t very relaxing.”

Kara lets out a surprised snort followed by a small chuckle.

“No, I guess it’s not. Want to make it worse?”

“What do you mean?”

“What’s that thing you’ve been bottling up?”

That is the last thing I want to talk about right now. Although she did share something big with me, maybe it’s only fair to share with her? Comparatively my problem is way smaller than hers, I should be able to do it. But what if- no. I could imagine what if for hours, I just need to do it.

“What’s it like being a girl?” That’s probably a safe way to start this conversation. 

“It’s not like anything, it’s just something I am.” 

That doesn’t help me at all.

“But how do you know?”

“Is this all that's been bothering you so much?” Kara asks, giving me an indecipherable look. I don't think it means anything bad though. “I thought I would have to help with something serious.”

“This is serious!” She has no idea just how serious it is!

“Trust me, it’s way less serious than it feels like. I can give Finn a call if you want to hear that from someone who’s been through this kind of thing before.”

“You don’t have to do that.” I’ll believe it when I experience it. I don’t think hearing the same thing from more people will help. “I’m not even human, isn’t it bad that I’m worried about this?”

“Animals have genders, boats have genders, hell, even words are gendered in some languages.”

“Ok, but what if I’m wrong? What if I’m just making this up?”

“Alright, how about this?” She reaches into one of her endless pockets and pulls out a coin. “This doesn't determine anything, it’s just a check to see how you feel. Heads you’re a girl, tails a boy.”

She flicks the coin high into the air. I keep my eyes trained on it, heads, tails, heads, over and over it spins. My brain traces the path it will take a dozen, a hundred times. Each and every thread resolves in the same way. It’s going to land on tails. That inevitability stabs into me with every resolved calculation. I can’t let this happen. 

Just before the coin hits the ground I move as fast as my slow joints can move. After the first bounce I bring my foot down on it roughly. I don’t know which side it’s landed on.

“You should flip it again.” Even I can hear the desperation in my voice. I reach down and pick it up before she can have a chance to see. I make sure not to look at what it ended up landing on. I don’t want to know.

“Right, sorry I flipped it wrong.” Kara says with a smile and a small chuckle.

She takes the coin and flips it once again. It’s going to land on heads this time, there’s no doubt in my mind. A flood of emotions rush into me, combining together into an indecipherable maelstrom. Should I just stop it again? This is what I want, right? But now that it’s being handed to me, why am I so afraid?

All my worrying has burned too much time. The coin will stop before I could reach it, even if I tried. Finally I’m confronted with reality as it settles on heads. At least I was right, I just don’t know if that’s a good thing. I settle back into my chair and just sit there. I guess there’s nothing left to do.

“How do you feel about that?” Kara asks me.

“Overwhelmed.”

“A good overwhelmed? Or bad?”

“I’m not sure.” A silence settles over us as Kara waits for me to continue. “Maybe good?”

“Want me to do some work on your body then? I already have blueprints to bring in your waist a little bit and change your chest.”

“Why do you already have the blueprints? Did you know I would feel this way?” 

“No, actually, the blueprints are just the original plans. I originally created your body for me, but tech to digitize my mind is still a decade out at least.”

“And you won't survive that long.” Finishing her thought aloud hurts so much more than just leaving the implications hanging. 

“Mm hm.” Her face twitches near imperceptibly. Is she just putting a strong face on for me? “Anyway, pull back these plates and I'll work on reshaping things” she taps a few spots on my side. 

I pull them back, revealing the mess of wires, pipes, servos, and steel that makes up me. It feels unnatural to see it, just more proof that I’m an other, not human.

Kara doesn't seem to notice how uncomfortable I am as she pops my plates off and sets to work. A dozen tools are pulled out of her pockets and laid in front of her and she begins to reshape them.

“Anything else got you worried?” Kara asks casually, her full attention still on her work.

What's one more stressful conversation? I’m not sure it’s possible to be more overwhelmed than I am now.

“I don’t like being called B-11.”

“Sure. What’s your name then?”

I should have thought further ahead. I’m sure Kara could help me come up with one, but I want to decide it, to have a name meaningful to me. I don’t like it, but I don’t know if I want to completely forgo my original name. Starting with B keeps just enough of it to be a small reminder of where I came from. 

The only other thing that comes to mind as meaningful to me is my bright red hair. It’s not even really my hair, if this body was made for Kara then this hair is hers. And I can’t very well call myself Bred. Or I guess it would be Bread. 

What about Blue? Yeah, I really like that. Short and sweet, but with a nice ring to it. A small reminder of my old name and my favorite part of my body. I could be more than happy with that.

“Blue?” Maybe it’s a bad name, I already regret saying it.

“Alright, Blue. Anything else?”

My mind nearly short circuits when I hear her. That’s me! I picked that! I have an actual name! I feel the need to yell and cry and celebrate and scream and a dozen other things.

“Uh, no.” That’s the only thing I can manage to squeak out.

“I’ll let the others know later.” Her focus is still entirely on her task.

It's slow work trying to reshape the plates both without damaging the internals and also making sure everything still fits together. 

She gets slower with every passing minute. Every blink gets a little slower, and after every reach for a tool she stays a little more hunched over. Soon enough her head softly hits the table and her eyes stay closed.

At least she's finally getting some sleep, my modifications can wait until tomorrow. I stand up as quietly as I can, it should be safe to walk even when I’m missing skin plates as long as I don't get a wire or coolant tube caught on anything. 

Kara has a blanket draped over the chair of her desk, which I grab. Huh, I've never felt something soft before. How am I supposed to know if I have a firm grip on it or not? I grab the corners as firmly as I can and drape it over her.

“Thanks Jessica…” Kara mumbles and pulls the blanket up around her neck. 

Jessica?