Cop Craft – Dragnet Mirage Reloaded

「Thanks to you, I’m getting bombarded with complaints left and right! And now we’re caught up in this stupid incident. This was originally meant to be under the theft department’s jurisdiction, but now HQ is saying that it should be us in charge of this. And you know why? It’s because it was porn! Because it was fucking porno mags! I didn’t even want to waste any of our resources on an incident so incredibly stupid… but now because of you two, that damn head of security is doing as he pleases. We didn’t even get a chance to say anything about it. What are you going to do about this fucking disgrace?!」

「In that case what are you going to do about my fucking car?!」

Matoba finally started talking back to Zimmer after listening to him shout as he pleased.

「No matter how much I’ve requested a proper undercover car for my missions, HQ has never done anything about it whatsoever! Two people riding a Chrysler Sedan basically screams “detective inside” to all other people! Which was why I figured there was nothing I could do about it, and instead started using my own personal car! Though to be honest I’ve never heard of a junkie going to buy drugs on a Mini Cooper. But at least I can sort of pass it off. I can always just say that it’s “a hobby of mine” or something, but this is the result of that! Combining all the damage it had taken already, and then leaving it with this fucking idiot, I took my eyes off it for two seconds and it was completely wrecked. And then came the issue about causing an accident due to negligence, when in reality it wasn’t my fault at all to begin with!」

Matoba was slamming his palms against Zimmer’s desk. He was fuming with rage but even more than that, he almost felt like crying.

Memories of his now gone beloved car kept popping up in the back of his mind, like quick flashes of light.

It has been two and a half years already.

He was in the middle of a mission with Rick, his partner at the time, and then he found the Mini Cooper S in a dealer’s shop during some interrogation. It was 2900 dollars. The model was over 20 years old, but the interior had been worked on considerably, and it still hadn’t been driven for more than 20.000 miles. Besides, when compared with current models, it's complex and curved surface resulted in a very tasteful exterior. He was completely enchanted by that noticeable gap between its tiny and chubby appearance, and its very powerful performance, and then finally after thinking about it for three days, he decided to buy it. He desperately haggled for it, and then finally managed to buy the car for 2100 dollars, and he drove it like nobody else ever had.

He went everywhere in that car.

Eventually he even started driving it to all his missions, and it was always by his side even during his worst moments. Even that time he was shot by a drugged junkie while working in Lower Northbrook, the area no detective wanted to drive in by himself, the car’s front window got busted as well, so in a way it was like sharing a bond through their battle scars.

He also once traveled around all of Kariana Island with Cecil in that car in the summer. They stopped at a deserted beach on the west coast of the island, and after coming back from taking a walk together, the sunset’s light was reflecting off the car’s hood, creating beautiful patterns on her face. It really looked like some staged lighting straight out of a commercial…

「Got it? Losing that car felt like losing my dog…」

Muttered Matoba as he looked down in front of a completely astonished Zimmer

「To be honest, it’s not even about the money. It was a truly amazing car. And well… you know…」

Tilarna opened her mouth from right next to him

「Well, don’t get so depressed, Kei.」 「Shut up you alien! Don’t you come around saying that when you were the one who destroyed my Mini!」 「That’s racist.」 「Shut up. Among all of the Semanian people scattered around the entire world, you are the only Alien. A fucking alien that I can’t help but discriminate against. A tiny tiny fucking ET. That’s what you are!」 「How arrogant. You’d be wiser to keep your mouth shut. Or else, I swear by Kithenya—」 「So what if I don’t?! Say it out loud! Are you going to fucking kill me?! Fine, then kill me! Just like you killed her, and then dump my body in the trash! Will you be happy then?! You murderer!」 「Matoba, calm down.」

Said Zimmer after seeing Matoba lose his cool and ramble on and on. He felt a little sorry for him, and his anger had vanished altogether.

「I said too much as well. So don’t cry.」 「I’m not crying.」 「You’re about to. In any case, I’ll give your car situation a little thought, so don’t look so depressed.」 「Really?」

Matoba seemed to suddenly regain his composure, and then Zimmer emphasized

「I’m not too sure, but I think there’s going to be a confiscated item auction next week. I’m sure the list is floating around somewhere as well, so this might be a great chance to get yourself a new car or something.」

The San Teresa police department carried out that kind of auction every few months, where they would sell items never reclaimed by their owners, or items confiscated from shady business deals or criminal activity. Of course items like drugs and weapons usually get destroyed, and all earnings were donated to DV victim funds, social workers and families of officers who were killed while on duty. However, before being auctioned, many of those items obtained via investigations could get lent to certain police departments indefinitely. As the vice department contributed plenty to ongoing investigations, their detectives could also get to use many of those items… expensive clothing, luxury wristwatches and shoes, and so on. Items they naturally would never be able to afford with their wages that couldn’t compete against influential drug dealers or criminal organizations.

And among that list of confiscated items, every now and then cars would be included as well. However, the Vice department isn’t the only one carrying out undercover investigations, so there was always plenty of competition, and getting permission to use them in the first place was very rare.

Zimmer promised Matoba he would try to do something about it somehow.

「That’s what I wanted to hear, boss.」

A very wide grin instantly appeared on Matoba’s face, as he firmly shook Zimmer’s hand.

「For my mission I’m going to need a serious car, but also a cool looking car. But in the end what’s most important is having a great boss. I’m thrilled.」

On the other hand, Zimmer was frowning

「You remind me of my little brat when he would break his remote controller cars and then start crying」 「Oh, sir. Does your son like remote controller toys? To be honest I recently got myself a neat remote control boat. It’s a mini replica of Battleship Yamato. It’s artillery spins around and shoots BB pellets. It’s built using old Japanese military units components and—」 「Are you an idiot? I was talking about ten years ago. My kid is already in college, there’s no way he’d be interested in dumb toys like that.」 「……」

Matoba’s grin vanished from his face, almost as if somebody had completely invalidated his hobbies.

「In any case, about the porn stealing gang. No matter how stupid it seems, a crime is a crime, so don’t drag it out for too long. I’m leaving it up to you to.」 「Just the two of us?」 「Well I want it to be dealt with quickly, so you can ask for help from other people who look like they’re free. However, no more car chases!」 「Alright, alright.」

Matoba answered carelessly, and then Zimmer glared at him directly

「Say that you understand!」 「Understood.」 「Also, alien. That’s right, you, Exedilika. We finally received the documents from your traffic bureau application. Get a license.」 「A license?」

Zimmer pulled out a brown manila envelope from his drawer and gave it to Tilarna

「That’s right. I can overlook today’s incident somehow, but we can’t have you running around without a license. Tell Matoba to help you with the rest.」

As they left Zimmer’s booth, Matoba and Tilarna kept arguing and insulting each other like they always did. “It’s your fault” and “no, you were clearly in the wrong” being thrown around. After getting into a very heated argument, the two finally managed to somewhat calm down.

「So. How do you get that license thing anyways?」 「… To be honest, I don’t know what the boss is thinking, making you get a license. It’s like giving Jeffrey Dahmer a killing license or something.」 「Who’s that?」 「Doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it.」

It was the name of a serial killer who became very famous in the late 20th century, so there was no way Tilarna knew about him.

Matoba walked straight towards the bookshelf that occupied one corner of the office, where they kept legal books and research papers, and after looking around for a bit, he grabbed two books. They were a textbook about traffic guidelines, and a workbook focused on getting a driving license.

「Read this and learn it. Then take the written exam. And then move on to driving practice.」 「This is English, right? It’s full of words I’ve never seen.」

Tilarna had the book in her hands and was giving it a nasty look.

「Stop talking nonsense and just read it. It’s written so that even a chimpanzee would be able to figure out how to work a handbrake.」 「Hm…」

Tilarna nodded without looking angry about it. Even getting mad at this point felt like a bother to her.

「In any case, we need to get back to the investigation. We should start looking around after finding someone to help us out」

He felt almost like crying after thinking he had to find a porn stealing gang, when there were plenty of other types of investigations going on at the moment.

Well in any case, he was waiting for some intel he was trying to gather with his informants, so he had some time to spare. And Zimmer was in the know about the state of affairs as well, so he could push as much work on him as he wanted to.

「… So, Kei. I have a question.」 「What?」 「What’s this “porn” stuff you’ve been talking about?」

Tilarna asked without any care, as her words reverberated through the entire office. Matoba looked around and saw several of his coworkers casting questionable looks at him, of course suspecting something of him.

「There was an entire mountain of it at the crash site earlier. Didn’t you see it?」 「No, I didn’t.」

Judging by her reaction, it really seemed like she didn’t know what he was talking about. Explaining to her directly would be too troublesome, so instead he grabbed a half destroyed magazine from a sample box that had been recovered from the crash site earlier, and pushed it in front of Tilarna.

「Books like these. Take a look.」 「Wha…!」