Growing Lilies

Lily awoke to a chicken pecking her forehead. She groaned and waved her arms at it to send it scurrying. When she’d gotten home she’d tossed a bunch of fridge vegetables into the yard to make sure they had something to eat, and immediately passed out. She had left the door open so Star could get out, and hadn’t thought about the chickens coming in.

She tried to sit up. It took more than one attempt, but she eventually got into a sitting position on the couch. She’d used Bay as a pillow all day. Glancing around she saw the sun was going down. That made sense, it’d been coming up when she got home. Lily yawned, and closed her eyes again for a minute.

“I lived. That’s good.”

She paused to let that sink in. But, before she could get too lost in thought she heard a thumping sound from the other side of the couch. Star’s tail was wagging as he looked at her cautiously.

“Couldn’t have done it without you. Good boy. Guess we’re really in this together huh? We need to talk. I think it’s time for a family meeting. But first, breakfast.”

Lily climbed to her feet, and took a step before she noticed something. A small pile of eggs was next to where she’d been sleeping. She glanced over at Star.

“Did you do this…? I can’t eat them raw, you know?”

His tail wagged harder, and his tongue lolled out of his mouth. Lily couldn’t help but smile.

“You’re sweet though. And way too smart. Way, way too smart. We need to talk about that too.”

She gathered up the eggs and made her way to the kitchen. She washed the eggs off and put them in the fridge, unsure of how they should be stored. Star followed her. He seemed tired too, because even his movements seemed a bit sluggish. 

“Can I just give you a raw piece of meat from in here? Should I cook it? What’s healthy for you? I know you can eat kibble, but you deserve better than that right now. Ah, screw it. I’ll cook it a little.”

The girl got out two pans, and some butter and began her best attempt at cooking. This scene almost felt like a normal day in the before times. A dog lying on the floor of the kitchen, while a girl cooks a steak and eggs. The only things out of place were the chicken that kept jumping up on the counter, and all the wounds.

This time Lily thought to add salt and pepper to both of their meals. They still came out pretty bland, but progress is progress right?

She made her way back to the couch and had Star run through his tricks before she gave him his steak. Unsurprisingly, he got all of them on the first try. He actually seemed a little offended that she seemed to think he might get them wrong.

“Don’t give me that look. You’re a puppy. Puppies normally struggle with this stuff. You are a puppy, right? Or do you just look like one? I don’t trust anything anymore.”

He woofed.

“I take it back. I trust you. Happy?”

He stared. She forked over the steak, and started in on her eggs. Through a mouthful of the simple meal, she spoke.

“So. Last night was uh, something huh?”

Star was absolutely horking down his meal and had no time for the small talk. Lily took a moment to set Bay on the remains of the coffee table so he’d feel included in this conversation.

“Thanks for coming to my rescue. I got pretty fucked up. It was my own fault too. I need to do some looking inwards, so we’ll start there. You two, don’t judge too much okay?”

Star briefly looked up and licked his lips. Bay just stared at her with affection and understanding in his eyes.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. When there’s nothing happening, I feel like I’m not suited to live in this world. But the main thing I’ve learned since all this happened is, well, I find it a lot easier to exist when my back is up against the wall. When I think I’m going to die, my normal issues fade away. Everything– I don’t know. It feels real, you know? In a way that life normally doesn’t to me. I feel like I’m here. Like I exist. Like I’m alive. And in that moment, I want to keep that, and I’m willing to do anything to do it. Does that make sense?”

Star had finished his meal, and was staring at her as if he was listening. Lily didn’t know how much he understood, but at this point she wasn’t going to discount it.

“Probably not. It doesn’t really make sense to me. It’s like… It’s like noise, right? Like on a normal day where nothing is happening there’s this static in the back of my mind. And if I don’t focus on it, that’s all it is. Static. Background white noise. But if I focus on it for even a second, it’s not just white noise. It's– I don’t know. A pit? A void? Something I can fall into, and spiral. It becomes a voice. My voice. Not literally. Not a hallucination or whatever. But, it’s just me talking to me. God this sounds so fucking crazy. But it’s just negative thoughts. Suicidal ideation. Self hatred. Doubt. Fear. And it just gets louder and louder if I listen to it, you know?”

Lily took a deep breath and rested her face in her hands. Star let out a small whine, seeming to sense that she was struggling. So, she gathered herself and continued.

“It’s always there, but when I let my guard down and let it, it gets loud. So loud I can’t think past it. So loud it’s all I can focus on. My own darkest thoughts, telling me I shouldn’t be allowed to exist in this world. I’m not good enough. I don’t belong here, and I don’t deserve it. But, that’s the thing. When it comes down to it, and my life is on the line? It shuts up.”

She took a moment to finish her own plate. She saved a couple bites for Star, and made sure to toss them to him. Giving Bay an apologetic nod, she got up to wash her dishes, and continued talking.

“Everything goes silent in my head.  I can focus on the world around me. And with the voice quiet, I don’t want to die anymore. Suddenly, I feel like I can do anything;. I’m still scared. Terrified! But, I feel free in a way that I normally don't. I think– I think I might have been chasing that feeling. I think that without realizing it… I might have put myself in danger intentionally last night. To get the voice to shut up. So, I’ve come back to… What’s wrong with me?”

Lily realized she’d just been letting the water run and staring at it for a while. She turned it off, and started undoing her bandage. Cleaning that was next on her list. 

“I don’t actually want to die. Well, most of the time. But sometimes it seems like I’m trying to kill me. And what’s worse, I was rewarded for the behaviour. I felt invincible last night. Like I could do anything. It paid off too! When I recover, I’m going to be so much better at magic it’s stupid.”

Her wound had burned a little, making it more painful but fortunately a little less prone to just bleeding and bleeding. Lily grimaced as she cleaned the wound as best she could. It was still quite painful. It did seem to be healing up faster than she expected though. What was with that?

“Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you either, Star. You are not an ordinary dog. I’m sure of that now. I wish I could just ask you. But not only have you shown me that you’re crazy smart, don’t think I don’t notice that you’re absolutely dripping with mana. It wasn’t super obvious before last night, but I guess spending so much time in the spooky spot filled you up? How come the first spooky spot didn’t have that effect on you?”

Star whined softly, and tilted his head looking at her. It was painfully cute.

“Look here Mister, being adorable isn’t going to get you out of questioning. How’d you get up on top of the rubble? How’d you know what to do to help? What are you, exactly? Some kind of magical creature?”

He nuzzled her leg. Lily let out a deep sigh.

“How much can you understand me? I don’t think you do totally yet. Like, hey, spin around if you understand what I’m telling you. Nod your head. Give me some signs.”

Star panted, and wagged his tail.

“Yeah, I thought so. But if I keep talking to you like this, I get the feeling it’s only a matter of time. So, I’m going to keep talking to you until you get there, okay buddy?”

He woofed. At least he seemed to understand when she was asking him a question by her tone. Lily sat down on the kitchen floor next to him.

“What the hell do I do now? That’s something to talk about huh? Apart from trying to not be so reckless, of course. I want to keep learning magic, I guess. Maybe if I pick up enough I can do something truly amazing. Maybe I can even find a way to make things normal again. Or just… leave whatever this world is. But even if I just make things more comfortable for myself, it’ll still be nice. Plus, my survival rate will go up if learning magic isn’t the thing that kills me.”

Lily laid down with her head resting on Star’s haunches. He calmed down as well, seemingly happy to be a pillow. Despite that, the steady thump of his tail continued.

“So, keep going. Unlock the secrets of magic and the universe, and live comfortably. That doesn’t sound too bad. The real problem is, I don’t know where to begin, or how to do it as safely as I’d like. My body can’t take this level of constant injury forever. I’ll die for real.”

A chicken wandered into the kitchen, and Lily glared at it but didn’t get up.

“I need to take care of these chickens too. Ugh. There’s so much shit to do all the time. But first, a few more things to address. For one, I don’t know how I’m healing quicker than normal but I’m pretty convinced it’s happening at this point. Can I dial that up somehow? And secondly… how am I still alive?”

Star whined and fidgeted at that. 

“Oh calm down. I don’t mean that in a self deprecating way. But seriously, am I actually secretly competent under stress, or do I have some kind of quantum immortality effect going on? I feel like my mental image of myself would have died a hundred times over by now. I mean, I’ve had help sometimes too. That’s a whole other can of worms. But I mean, last night right? Did I really do that? Did I get lucky? Or… Or is it something deeper? Okay, maybe this is self deprecating but I just truly don’t believe I’m strong and good enough to do what I did last night.”

Lily took a deep breath and reached up to hold Star’s paw.

“Maybe this is paranoid, but… I am starting to wonder. Can I die? I know that sounds crazy. But I’ve lived through so many things that I feel like should have killed me. I’m not going to test it or anything, but I’m feeling very unsettled thinking about it. What if I have died, and this is just Lily World #3,210,356 or something?”

She giggled, and sat up.

“Okay, that sounds silly to say out loud even to me. Come on Star, let’s get these chickens outside and see what we can do to give them some easy food and shelter.”

The sun had gone down, but Lily was starting to not be so scared about the night sky. It was amazing what you could get used to in a short amount of time if you had no choice. Lily chased the chickens out of the house with Star’s help. Once he realized what she was doing, he was more than happy to round them up outside. There was one problem though. There were only four chickens.

“Uh, aren’t there supposed to be five of you?”

Lily looked around. The area was still fenced. She was pretty sure chickens can’t fly, so what the heck?

“Star, can you find the last chicken? Where’s the other chicken?”

Star perked up and started sniffing around. In just a moment he’d found his way to one of the fences, and looked at it whining.

“Past the fence? How? You guys are supposed to stay in the backyard!”

Grumbling, she found her way to the gate and went out with Star. He immediately picked up the trail and they continued along parallel to the coast for a few minutes of walking before Star suddenly stopped. Lily couldn’t see very much with just the light of the moon, but she stopped as well when Star started growling. A low deep sound that she hadn’t really heard him make before this. At first she was surprised, but she thought better of speaking to tell him to stop or ask what was going on.

Star moved in front of her protectively, and Lily quietly started backwards. Whatever was going on, it was some form of danger. So, she’d retreat. Star followed suit, protectively weaving between her and the threat she still couldn’t see. Whatever it was, it was obscured by darkness and foliage.

As she got further away, Star seemed to calm somewhat, but rather than growling he was now whining softly and trying to lead her back to the house. So, she followed quickly and carefully.

By the time they reached the fence, Lily’s heart was pounding out of her chest. She felt pursued. Hunted. Followed through the darkness. So, when she got to the fence and opened it, she turned one more time to see if she could figure out what the danger was. And she saw it. Or rather, them.

At least five figures skulked through the darkness in the clearing before the treeline. Dogs. Probably former pets, but now wandering as a group. A small pack of semi-feral dogs, probably hungry. Lily went back inside the fence and closed it behind her.

“Well. I guess we solved the mystery. Go us. Think we’re safe here Star?”

He seemed a lot less concerned now that they were on their own turf. Still, Lily headed back inside the house to be safe. 

“Okay. Tomorrow we’re taking a trip back to the farm and putting the chickens back. I made a huge mistake bringing them here. We can just go there every few days for eggs. Let’s see about some milk too huh?”

With that settled, Lily felt a little better. It was small, but it was something she could do without putting herself in much danger. A direction to start in.

She settled down on the couch with Star and Bay to watch some TV till the sun came up. She missed her boat, but wasn’t willing to go out with potential danger. So instead she watched more of Friends while she went over her body carefully and treated all of her small scrapes and scratches.

Overall, it was a nice calm night. Exactly what she needed, even if her sleep schedule was ruined.

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Author Note: Apologies for the late upload! I toooootally thought today was Monday. That's embarrassing. Enjoy!