In Loki's Honor

If I was allowed a single moment of levity before the ritual, it was time to raise from my grave and rescue some old dude's daughter. Except I wasn't dead and I was going to avenge someone's daughter. Rosalinda's, that's whom.

Sariandi went to her spot as the moons reached the zenith. She started to chant in elvish, and the mages with her added their voices and magic. The rest of the world darkened as the moonlight seemed to focus on us. The choir of mages didn't seem they were doing a ritual. It felt like a musical performance. I would later learn why. Elves had three sets of vocal cords. Two in the chest on each side right as each bronchus pierced the lung. The third set was in the same place as us humans. It allowed them a ridiculously wide range of composite vibrations, impossible for humans to mimic without magic. They could make two musical notes at the same time and modulate them in the throat to achieve greater harmonics.

I removed my robe, baring my naked body to the world. The magic came in waves and started to slam on me and my animal counterpart. At the apex, we started to float and the cage melted into the ritual circle. A mage went to the cauldron and dipped two cups in the concoction. He brought them to us.

"Drink it all. Don't spill a single drop," He told me.

With a spell, he forced the liquid down the throat of the beast. I stole a glance at what I was about to drink. It was liquid metal. I held my breath and chugged the thick liquid. It tasted coppery like blood but it was entirely silvery. It sunk down my throat, making my saliva float. I wanted to gag but I focused and pressed down. It burned my stomach and I felt as if my insides were melting. The mage took a ritual dagger, slitted the beast's throat, and opened the belly from the neck to the anus. He lifted the dagger and the pelt started to detach from the carcass on its own. The blood swirled and turned into a mist that mixed with the magic in the air. He pointed at me, and the pelt flew and latched to my skin.

It was as if a thousand ants crawled over my body, and each ant had scalpels for legs. I dropped the empty cup and screamed. My bones broke and reformed. My muscles unraveled and flayed around like tentacles, latching on the animal's pelt and dressing me in its glory. I looked up and the light of the moons seared my retinas. The magic and the choir reached its climax. The very air rumbled with eldritch power and all of it including the blood vapors swirling around was forced down on my being. I felt beast blood along with the liquid silver flow in my veins as it replaced and mixed with my blood.

A primal rage slammed into my consciousness and I craved fresh meat. I felt an unbearable desire to hunt and kill. The magic that supported me ended and I fell on all fours. My scream became a throaty growl, a mix of a roar and a tenor growl. I felt fur over my body again. I felt my claws tapping against the stone. Chains flew and bound my limbs and neck, lest I kill my elven allies.

My perk kicked in and my mind stilled. I became myself again. I looked to my side. The skinned and desiccated carcass of the black jaguar I chose to become my flesh flopped next to me. I looked down and I saw I now had four limbs. My disability vanished when my body was reborn. A glossy black fur covered my body. With my feline eyes, I could see the whole forest spread underneath the cliff.

I felt stronger than ever. Limber. Faster. My senses sharper. Maybe because of that I heard the horses galloping up the slope leading to the cliff.

Sariandi approached my chained form. "Lily? Are you there?" I raised my head. I took a deep breath and her scent slammed me like a sledgehammer. She smelled of lavender.

"Attack!" I shouted faintly. It was enough. "Horses. Approaching."

"Ready the wards!" The archmagister shouted. "Use the spell crystals! Potions!"

They were at their weakest. I had no idea how much of their reserves they expended, but by the looks of it, they had a backup plan. With all the light show they put up here, it was no wonder the enemy mobilized. But I wouldn't take part in the fight. Too weak. Despite me trying to stay awake, I fainted as the sound of metal clashing rang from down the slope.

I woke up on my bed. My head was pounding. There was a veil, a fog covering my memories of the ritual. Agatha was at my side, looking at me. I stood up and looked at my arms. Yes, arms. Fleshy human arms. My right arm felt strange, moving it felt dull and clumsy.

"Welcome back, Lily," She whispered.

"Good morning, Agatha."

Agatha beamed, "The ritual worked. You survived!" and threw her arms around me.

"Look, Mrs. Bemere, two arms!" I clapped.

"Yes, child. Your birth defect was fixed. Are you hungry?"

I was. Very hungry. But I didn't crave meat. I looked at the table and saw a pile of not-scones (peko bread) and a jar of jam. "Yes. I think I'll dig in if you don't mind."

"Go ahead. Renyn told me you loved the peko bread."

I got out of bed naked and sat on the table. I didn't have time to care, I wanted to eat. Agatha just chuckled and watched as the pile of not-scones vanished.

"Thanks," I grinned and tapped my stuffed belly.

"You should rest. Stay in bed, I'll have someone bring you food and water. You might want to check your Status for changes. I think you'll be surprised."

She tucked me in before leaving. I did feel weak. I would have to re-learn to move my right arm and probably train it to get the same strength and agility of my left one. Due to my circumstances, I was left-handed even if my genetics would say otherwise. I did as Agatha suggested and checked my status.

You gained the Moonbound [Black Jaguar] (ultra rare) Perk. you are a moon-bound. If you pass a Willpower test, you can shift either into your beast or hybrid form.

You gained the Shift Control (rare) Skill: Add the Skill rank to your Willpower tests to change forms.

You gained the Silver Vulnerability (curse, rare) trait. You take extra damage from wounds made with silver weapons. In your human form, 50%. In your beast or hybrid form, it doubles.

You gained the Forced Shift [moonbound] (curse, rare) trait. During a night of the full moon, you must pass a hard Willpower test or be forced to take your moon-bound form.

You gained the Beast Regeneration [moonbound] (rare) trait. When in your beast or hybrid forms, you recover from any wound not inflicted by silver at a fast rate.

You gained the Bestial Rage [moonbound] (curse, rare) trait. When you shift into your moon-bound form, you must pass a hard Willpower test or be forced to enter a berserk rage.

Your Bestial Rage [moonbound] (curse, rare) trait was removed. You are immune to rage effects.

Your One-Armed (disability, rare) trait was removed. Your body was reshaped.

Your race changed to Human [mooonbound]. You gain a perk every 5 levels. You gain 6 HP per level.

I didn't think that gaining more HP per level was worth reducing my perk progression. I would have to address this detachment I was feeling between my life and well, me. I just thought that these perks would be cool to have in my next life. Damn.

In my defense, things are too crazy. Can I sit and live a normal life without things going to shit at every corner? No? Just my luck.

After the pre-noon meal, I felt bored. I sat on the bed, reached for the jug of water, and passed the jug to my right hand. I tried to lift the jug. It was shaky. Not good. I spent the afternoon exercising my right arm, alternating between grasping my forearm, lifting the water jug, and resting. The person that brought me supper was Sariandi. She knocked once and entered.

"Archmagister, welcome. Please make yourself comfortable," I said.

"Thank you, Lily. Did you rest?"

I felt there was something I should ask her, but the dazed me couldn't tell. I went with the flow.

"Yes. But I grew bored and did some exercises with my right arm. I need to train my brain and muscles all over again."

She raised an eyebrow, "Again?"

"Yes. If I die, I will be reborn elsewhere later. I don't know how long it takes between lives. Did you understand what I just said?"

With a confused nod, Sariandi replied, "Yes, I heard you clearly."

"Good. So I can talk about that," I mumbled staring at the ceiling.

"But not about other things..." the archmagister concluded. I looked away. "You carry a heavy burden. I hope you find peace. You'll have the five months of winter to get used to your new form. Rudolph won't dare enter the forest during winter. I think he will wait for the first month of spring. His army will have plenty of game to hunt and plants to forage then."

One hundred and fifty days to train. Level up, get used to fighting as a were-jaguar. I picked this one because it's the fourth-strongest bite in the animal kingdom.

"When can I experiment with shifting?" I asked, excited. "Back in the..." The fog cleared. I remembered. "The attack! What happened?"

She grimaced for a moment before restoring her smile. "We had rangers posted on the slope. Our warriors engaged the enemy."

I fished for what she wasn't telling me. "Did we lose anyone, archmagister?"

"Five of us gave their lives to defeat thirty of them," Was all she was willing to surrender. I gave her the puppy eyes. She sighed and continued."They had high-leveled priests. Bundeus warned them of the ritual. They came in force, prepared to massacre us all. The five rangers and mages that died, they took fivefold their levels with them. We mourn our losses, but it was our victory."

The tears came unbidden. A girl's physiology is more open to emotions, there's no doubt about that. "I'm sorry."

"The greater sacrifice that night was yours, child," she said seriously.

"No!" I protested with what strength I had left. "No. Listen to me. Death, to me, is only a fleeting nuisance. I'll come back. And the power I gain in this life will remain. In another body. Another life. I hope, I wish I become a true elf next life."

The archmagister's smile had a hint of envy, "I see. Thanks for being honest with me, Old Soul."

"The sorrow and loss of several, it lives in me forever too," I added and her envy disappeared. "My past lives, they weren't peaceful and dandy. I died violently. People I loved died for me."

The archmagister hugged me. "So you rather sacrifice this existence for us. It does not diminish your worth. Our Mother is wise. though one could say you are being used by Her, our people will always look toward you. I'll set a law. No black jaguar moon-bound will ever be created again. Whenever you find yourself in need of us, show your black fur. Our covenant will be honored."

She let go of me and tucked me in. Sariandi kissed me. "Now rest. Don't try to shift yet. You need time. Light exercise in your human form is fine though."

"Good night, Sariandi."

I needed one week to fully adapt. I trained my right arm and reached a passable level of coordination, but it was clear to me that my dominant arm would be the left. But my lead leg was the right one. That might be something I could use to confuse enemies.

During that week, I obtained a mirror. It was as easy as summoning the courage to ask for one. I was afraid to touch it because it was made of silver, but no harm came from me from just handling silver in my human form. I needed to get used to Lily's face, to force my brain to accept that it was my own face, and not someone else.

The truth was, I was living as if I was in a first-person immersive game. No. I was Lily. I was the girl in the mirror. Young. Too young to be worried about matters of war and death. My hair was growing, the unruly mane refusing to bend and fall down. Maybe in the next months, it would settle down. I used my pseudopods and cleaned my hair of the excess grease and debris. My teeth too. Bacteria growing in my mouth was nothing more than another food source for me. Earwax, dead skin, fingernails. I groomed my whole body with the pseudopods.

I played with my face. I frumped, grimaced, smiled, laughed, looking at the changes in the mirror. It made me feel very good with myself. I felt a budding curiosity to use the mirror to look at other parts of my body, but I felt bad at feeling it was wrong. It was my body, but I still hadn't claimed ownership of said body, at least in my mind. I would only fully explore my body once that happened. I never had to touch myself down there, the pseudopods doing a good enough job to keep me clean. I shelved that for later. I had something else to keep me entertained.

With the mirror affixed on the headboard, I took some distance and looked at my reflection. Eyes closed, I willed myself to shift into my beast form. My body itched, and the scalpel ants came back. It wasn't as intense as before, but I knew it was a sensation I would have to learn to bear. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad when I got used to it. I felt a barrier in my mind and I had to punch through with my Willpower. I needed to train the Skill {Shift Control}. I pressed down on the barrier and after a few tries, it gave.

My fingers retracted and became paws. Red vanished from the world. Only blue and green and their hues remained as my eyes became those of a cat. But the shadows were dispelled. In the mirror, my nose stretched and midnight fur sprouted from my skin. My tailbone exploded and stretched, the compressed vertebrae growing as muscle, blood and skin flowed to follow the bones. My spine shrunk and my organs moved. I felt everything and closed my eyes.

When I next looked at the mirror, Lily was gone. In her place, a big black kitten looked at me. I chuckled, a mix of hisses and growls. I played with my tongue, my paws. I lifted the left paw and thought scratching thoughts. The claws came out after a couple tries. I poked my tongue with them, they were as sharp as fuck. I retracted them and pawed my snout. It was too soft.

Next, I made cute kitten poses. Years of internet memes made those all too easy. I invoked Antonio Banderas and dialed the cuteness to eleven. I hissed, pounced, frolicked on the bed. I made a show for myself, watching it through that mirror. I felt too at ease in a beast's body. It felt right to have fur again.

Again.

It didn't need a therapist to recognize why. My last memory of happiness before coming to live with the elves was when I was a white fluffy bunny living with the prehistoric savages I called my family. The sadness was so familiar that it was a welcome cloak like that favorite itch you can't stop scratching. And there I made my stand. I couldn't wallow in those feelings. I found that the only way I wouldn't be a wreck was to anchor myself in the present. To accept and own the entirety of my existence, body, and soul. I was Lily, the were-jaguar.

Close inspection showed that I had the circular spots in my fur. They were circles of even darker fur, only visible under strong light or up close. summoning my courage, I licked the silver. Nothing bad happened. Only wounds then. Good to know.

I tried my cat voice next. I meowed, growled, but didn't purr. Big cats like this girl here roared. But my baby roar was just too cute to put fear in anyone's heart. I was too enamored with my new shape. Last, I tried my fangs. I opened my mouth wide and struggled to find a good angle to watch. They were sharp as needles. I made a play of pulling my lips back and growling.

"That's a scary cat if I ever saw one," Renyn's velvety voice popped my bubble. I faced him and hissed, the fur on my scruff standing up. "Whoa! We need some meat here or I'll become cat food!" He played.

I used the rabbit sign language without even thinking.

"Can you shift back?" He asked, oblivious to my attempt at communication.

I walked next to my nightstand at the bedside and picked up the folded dress in my mouth. Then I glared at him.

"Oh, I understand. I'll wait outside," the poet deftly stepped out.

I shifted back and made myself presentable. The scalpel ants were not kind to me.