MADMAN APOCALYPSE

“Why are we running?” Bee yelled, as I basically dragged her by the hand, while moving as far away from the incoming buzzing sound as I could.

“It’s the Great Game Agents,” I told her between breaths. “They’re after me, because they think I’m a cheater.”

“That makes sense,” she replied.

“Someone gets it,” Panda commented.

“If you don’t change your attitude, Panda, I’m chucking you at them,” I told him.

“Sheesh Gambit, you’re in a foul mood.”

“I’m serious.”

Panda seemed to get the hint and relented.

I let go of Bee’s hand and opened my inventory, maintaining a steady jog, though the buzzing was still growing louder with every moment.

Gambit’s Inventory x

A wanted posted that reads 'gambit'.

A looking glass.

A I-think-that's-a-whistle whistle.

A wet set of pajamas.

A neat black suit.

A screwdriver.

A pink phallic-looking flare. That's it's only use! Don't get funny ideas now!

Socks that were meant to be "fingerless" but most definitely are intact (thank you, AI Artist-san...).

A party hat.

A pointing hand that was meant to be a single finger (once again, thank you AI artist-san...).

A succulent pacifier.

Total Inventory Weight: 22.05 Pandas

I immediately pulled the finger out and inspected it. It was unnervingly-warm and soft, and also a little bit hairy.

‘One of Jack’s Missing Fingers’ x

Obtained by defeating the Optional Boss, Jack-In-The-Box, in Bungo’s Playroom. Since Jack had his hands taken away, he doesn’t really need his fingers for anything.

To unlock the rewards trapped within this still-warm discarded human remains, you have to crack it like a glowstick.

Weight: 0.75 Pandas

“Ugh, why is it always like this…”

“What is it?”

“The Boss Reward. Did you already unlock yours?”

“Yes, it was kind of gross to have to crack a finger in half like that. The options were pretty bad, but I got one for my Class called ‘Beetle Barrier’ that I can activate to harden my carapace and absorb hits for a short period of time.”

“Huh, for some reason I thought only I could choose a skill tied to my Glitched Class.”

Panda cleared his throat, which was an odd mannerism. “From my observations, it is clear that of the three skills offered from a Boss Reward, one is Class-specific, and the other two are Boss-specific.”

“Thanks genius,” I replied.

“Hey, you asked!”

Crack!

I snapped the finger in half, the bone jutting out. It was pretty gnarly. Thankfully, it quickly disappeared, before a pop-up followed:

Choose your reward! x

Please don’t blame us for the methods required for unlocking boss-specific rewards, the System came up with all of those.

Anyway, that was pretty gross. Here are your reward options, I guess.

Pick one of the options:

‘I_CAN_FLY’ | ‘Jackknife’ | ‘Sneaky Box’

“Huh, Bee had different options for that boss,” Panda remarked.

‘I_CAN_FLY’ x

Ability

While BIRTHDAY_SUIT is in full effect, you can activate this ability to slowly glide until you reach the ground or you consume all your stamina.

But seriously, carefully consider the fact that you have to go naked for this to work… We urge you to just forget this ability exists.

‘Jackknife’ x

Passive

Your dominant hand is replaced by a large unbreakable blade like the ones Jack-In-The-Box had on his arms. But don’t worry, you get to keep the hand we remove. For sentimental value, of course.

‘Sneaky Box’ x

Ability

Be a little sneaky snake and spawn a box out of thin air to hide in.

Although it is painfully-obvious to other Players that you are hiding in a box, it will fool all normal Enemies.

Duration: 5 minutes

Cooldown: 2 hours

After reading through the options, I selected the one for my Class, although I doubted I’d ever use it.

“All the Boss Reward Passives are really horrific body modifications.”

“Do you think anyone is dumb enough to take those? It offered me a Passive that would’ve given me irremovable clown makeup, but would’ve also increased my Dexterity by 5.”

“Speaking of… Status.”

I put a point in Dexterity, since I definitely needed more of that if I was to continue fighting up-close without a ton of armour and health.

Level -6

‘Gambit’

System Glitch x

---This red bar loves you---

STATS

Health: Not, Not ‘Good’

Stamina: ちょっと

Armor: Plastic Bottle Suit

Carry Weight: 1000 Pandas

Top Speed: Mountain Bike

Mana: Literally Zero

ATTRIBUTES

Strength: 2300 lbs.

Dexterity: Joey

Intelligence: TBD

Vitality: Tomahawk

Athleticism: 蝙蝠

Perception: ‘Yes?’

Wisdom: N/A

Defense: Plastic Bottle

ABILITIES

PASSIVES

‘Punch.harder( )’

‘...Break’

‘I_CAN_FLY’

‘Glitch’

‘Insanity’

‘Inanimate Voices’

‘Math.multiply(Punch)’

‘BIRTHDAY_SUIT’

“What’s a Joey?” asked Panda, looking at the new name next to my Dexterity.

“It’s a word for a Baby Kangaroo,” I told him.

“I really wish I could see what your screens look like,” Bee commented. “It sounds absurd.”

“There’s probably a way,” I told her, “We just need to find the right System Command for it.”

“Like that weird ‘Unequip All’ one you used?”

I winced in anticipation of the command activating on her end.

However, that did not happen.

“It gave me an error,” she replied with a shrug.

“Don’t ever do that again!” I told her. “You were about to put me in a lot of trouble!”

“I’m on Gambit’s side here!” Panda yelled.

“Sorry. It seems the System at least prevents women and Wayward Minors from using that specific command.”

“That’s such a peculiar kind of consideration,” I replied, surprised.

“I’m telling you, Gambit, I don’t think these Great Game people are that bad.”

“You said the same thing about the Mayor…”

“I’m still of that mindset,” he replied stubbornly. “But think about it, they want to protect kids, they punish rule-breaking, and they don’t like nudity!”

“…They also made all public transport into fucking monsters! What’s the point you’re trying to make here!?”

“They’re not trying to protect kids,” Bee said, slowing down to a walk. Although the buzzing was coming closer, I slowed down with her.

“What do you mean?”

“Those Child Protective Services ant-guys gave me a pamphlet before I escaped them… the ‘Children’s Zone’ is basically a farm and petting zoo…”

Though Panda’s face was knitted on, it still managed to look shocked and outraged.

“I knew it!” I said, glad that my suspicions had been confirmed. “I knew those fucks weren’t doing it because of morals! They probably eat kids as soon as they mature or something.”

Suddenly the buzzing noise of our pursuer was almost directly overhead. I looked up and saw that four of the Beetle Agents were slowly gliding down towards us on their wings.

WARNING!

GREAT GAME Agents are coming to investigate cheating and rule-breaking!

All Players in the area, get on the ground and prepare for invasive probing!

Non-compliance will be punished!

“Fuck! Do you have any more shots of your Beetle Bolt!?”

“The Full Recovery restored all my Mana, so I can do seven shots.”

“Shoot them down! Quick! Aim for the wings or something!”

Bee started lifting her palm upwards to follow my orders, but then Panda yelled, “Gambit, you idiot! Those guys are Level 60! Just run!”

“It’s too late to run!” I yelled.

“Do I take the shot??”

I wracked my mind, trying to figure out what the best move was, but then I came upon a brilliant idea.

“Hey, do you think the agencies of the Great Game get on well?” I asked with a devious grin.

“What do you mean?” Panda asked, but then realization dawned on his face. “Don’t you dare…”

I pulled the Child Protective Services Flare out of my inventory.

Before either Bee or Panda could stop me, I’d pulled the top off and used it to ignite the pink flare, which I lifted up above my head, as though daring the descending Agents to come closer.

Although they were humanoid beetles in full carapace armor, I could tell they were thinking the same thing: “Ah fuck…”

Suddenly the area around us lit up with three giant pink-glowing overlapping triangles, before an announcement went out to the area.

WARNING!

Child Protective Services are coming to respond to a Wayward Minor in distress. All Amoral Perverts beware, for you will be exterminated if found within the landing zone of the approaching vessel.

Those accompanying the Wayward Minor can breathe easy and prepare to accept their reward for bringing them to safety.

A full-area scan will now commence.

The air suddenly hummed, before the same pink light from the triangles washed over Bee, myself, and the four approaching agents and their winged potato airship above.

Then something like a sonic boom sent a shockwave out across the air, making both of us stumble, while the agents struggled to maintain their steady approach from above. My eyes widened as I saw the enormous glistening black ship in the sky above. It was easily the size of a cruise liner.

WARNING!

Amoral Perverts detected.

Prepare for extermination.

“Now we run,” I said and grabbed Bee by the hand.