Magic Murder Cube Marine

Something bothered Francis as he rode. “Hey, Chuck. Why didn't Willow suggest we use Telepathy earlier?”

The white stallion came to a stop and gave Francis one of his famous side eyes. “Well, telepathic bonding between romantic partners is considered extremely intimate. Also, to put things tactfully, we don't have the same expectations of immediate communication as portal jumpers.”

“Oh.” Francis said, realizing his assumptions had bitten him in the ass. He had figured if there was a spell that worked like a cellphone, people would use it like one. Apparently not.

Chuck continued trotting forward without a word. Apparently he was used to the post isekai awkwardness.

There was something else Francis definitely needed to talk to another man about. Not that he didn't trust the information Willow had given him. But he needed to make sure he properly understood it.

“So, birth control around here is based on magic tattoos?” Francis asked, feeling awkward that he was getting this information from his horse. Granted, his dad had given him the talk while sitting on the hood of a mustang outside Whataburger. So, there were some parallels.

“Oh, yeah. It works really well. Usually men get them too, just to be safe.” Chuck replied. “I'd say talk to Willow about it when you get back.”

Francis thought about a particularly painful shrapnel wound he picked up in the desert. The vehicle armor in those days was thin to non-existent. They used to roll around with Kevlar and sandbags under their feet for blast protection.

“There might not be a need.” He admitted. “I'm shooting blanks like it's a training exercise.”

“Well, I'd still get the tattoo for peace of mind. But not because I don't trust Willow.” Chuck clarified.

They went along in silence until they spotted a wisp of smoke rising from a cook fire. As they got closer Francis could see a man his size in full plate, a smaller man in a breastplate, and two horses with protective barding. As he approached, the man in plate donned his helmet.

“Howdy!” Francis called out. “You boys know anything about trolls in these parts?”

The man in plate armor looked at his partner. The smaller man spoke up in an oddly gruff voice that didn't match his youthful face. “Maybe. Why?”

“Well, I was hoping to kill a few.” Francis squinted. Something was strange about the one in the breastplate. It was like his face wasn't quite right.

“What's with the unicorn?” The man with the strange face asked. He had a messy red goatee and matching short cropped hair.

“I have no idea.” Francis admitted, wondering what was going on. The duo didn't seem like they were preparing to jump him. But they were oddly tense. “Chuck picked it. You would have to ask him.”

“Oh, I always wanted to look pretty and stab people with my head if they pissed me off.” Chuck explained. “I can fit about two horse thieves on it before they start sliding off.”

The big one in plate armor looked at the smaller one again. The smaller one's throat was tensing and relaxing as they talked via telepathic link. Francis let out a low chuckle as he spotted what was missing. He understood why they were so on edge now.

“Look, I'm just trying to find some trolls to kill. Can you ladies stop fucking around and tell me if you've seen any or not?” Francis asked. “Because that fake old man's voice has to be hell on your throat.”

“Hah!” The big one pointed to her companion and let out a musical laugh. “You owe me a gold.” She said in flawless Grunt.

“Oh piss off.” Replied the other woman as her mustache vanished and her red hair cascaded down to her shoulders. She looked at Francis. “What gave me away?”

The Marine rubbed his face, realizing he was in desperate need of a shave. “You had a messy beard, but no stubble. Also, you forgot something.” He tapped his Adam’s apple. “Don’t worry, I couldn't give a fuck what you're into. Plenty of women pretend to be men when they travel.”

He winced as he realized his mistake. “Ah shit. This is like that situation with Andi all over again.”

“Who's Andi?” The redhead asked.

“My buddy’s son. He's a man now and it took some getting used to. Um… shit. That wasn't PC either. Fuck.” Francis looked at Chuck for help.

“Oh, right. Sorry. Francis is a portal jumper from one of the low magic worlds. He just got here.” Chuck laughed awkwardly. “He's still learning local customs.”

The one in armor figured it out first. “We're women. This is just a disguise for when we travel.” She said in Grunt.

“Oh! Ok.” Francis decided to change the subject. “So, about them trolls…”

***

It turned out Julia and Shiv were there to hunt trolls as well. But for a very different reason.

“It is an absolute disgrace.” Julia said as she finally removed her helmet, revealing a massive blond ponytail with dried flowers woven into it. Somehow the woman could even make a language like Grunt seem elegant. “To think, such vileness persists in the world.”

“Yes, quite a shame.” Shiv agreed. “But that's why they pay us.”

“Oh, but I would do this one for free.” Julia looked at Francis. “Have you ever heard of something so horrid?”

He was a Marine, so obviously the answer was “yes”. But Francis still wasn't exactly sure what the trolls had done. “Break it down for me, fuzzy puppet style.”

“We are assassins and the queen herself contracted us to dispose of these foul creatures.” Julia ignored the looks of warning from her partner and barreled on ahead. “And these trolls, might it be that they even are trolls, and not some lower form of dirt. Well, do you know what they did?”

“No.” Francis admitted.

Her eyes flared. “The bastards had the bad taste to write a scathing review of Princess Buttercup’s most recent dance recital. I could bite through my shield, I'm so angry.”

“The Princess is only ten.” Shiv clarified. “And they mailed them out across the kingdom. They called her fat and said she should kill herself.”

“Oh, fuck those guys.” Francis and Chuck said in unison.

Man and mount looked at each other and shared a moment of violently male telepathy that had nothing to do with magic. You did not fuck with someone's children. Ever.

Chuck stomped angrily, rainbow sparks flying from his hooves. “Oh, I'm going to turn their balls into horn ornaments. Where can I find them?”

“We don't know.” Shiv shook her head. “We've been hunting them for a week and even managed to kill two, but the locator spell can't get a precise location anymore. I think they've gone to ground.”

Francis considered his experiences in the desert. There were multiple ways to get someone to stick their head out. But the quickest one was to make them really angry.

He grinned evilly as a plan began to form. “So, where I come from there was this movie called Ghostbusters...”