Magic Murder Cube Marine

Tumis Blooddagger (or "Larry” as his mother called him) was an assassin for hire. He was quite high level, but unpopular. Perhaps his edgelord bullshit was a part of that.

He crept along the garden path, staying low and waiting for Francis to come to a stop. The big Marine had been running in circles for over an hour. The assassin waited patiently. He had plenty of time. His mother didn't need him back until the evening.

The VL wouldn't accept a contract to kill a god. They didn't want the kind of fallout that would come from pissing off a divine being. But Larry wasn't above doing a little freelance work. Black eyeliner and poisoned daggers were expensive (at least, in the quantities Larry used).

He didn't know who wanted Francis dead, or why. All he knew was they were paying a ton of money to kill some dumb portal hopper. Easy work, for someone like him.

Finally Francis stopped to take a sip of water from one of the garden’s many fountains. Larry crept towards the man, crossing the open space between them carefully. He stopped as he heard a whistling sound. It was getting louder by the second, but where was it coming from?

Francis spun around in time to see Murder Cube slam into the ground like a mortar. It flattened the assassin into paste. He had wondered why he was hearing a sound effect straight out of a world war two movie. (Real artillery didn't do that.)

The cube began to spin, throwing bits of Larry all around the garden like a dog shaking off mud.

“GET IN, LOSER!” It shrieked. “WE'RE GOING SHOPPING!”

***

Francis found himself in a familiar fluffy white space. The other gods were all standing around with their backs to him. He listened as they argued.

“This is bullshit.” Hades said to Zeus. “First that pink asshole, now this? What kind of champions are they sending us?”

Zeus ignored his brother’s pessimism. He knew better than to take it at face value. Hades was always scheming. “We pay to get the first pick. If this is what we're getting, imagine how the lesser gods who can't afford priority are doing.”

“You know, that new guy Francis is already calling himself a god.” Hades laughed.

“Oh really, of what?” Aphrodite looked over with interest.

“Monogamy.” Hades replied with a knowing grin.

“Damn it.” Aphrodite cursed. “What a waste.”

Francis had heard enough. He smacked Hades upside the head and went to see the new champion.

“Hey! What the fuck?” The god of death looked around to see who had dared touch him. Francis was already all the way through the crowd by the time Hades figured it out.

Sitting politely at the table with his hands in front of him was the new champion, a man sized Belgian Malinois with upright ears and the unmistakable bearing of a soldier. He was bipedal, with a mix of canine features and shockingly intelligent golden brown eyes. He was also naked, except for a pair of black boxer briefs.

The dog man cocked his head to the side as Francis approached, but didn't speak. The bowls of food on the table were untouched. There were the usual staples of taco rice and ambrosia, but also golden bowls of marinated squash and cheese.

“Mind if I join you?” Francis asked as he sat down. “Seems a shame to see such good chow go to waste.”

The malinois made no move to stop Francis as he made up a plate. The Marine took his first bite of Korean BBQ and smiled, “The food here is really good. You should try some.”

The champion ignored him. Francis tried to remember the commands the K9 handlers used.

“Wo ist dein Ball?” Francis said, unsure if he was using the right words. He remembered the handler telling his dog that once or twice.

“Your German is fucking terrible," The champion said in a voice that was pure southern London working class. He chuckled and reached for the bowl of squash. “Well, this isn't my usual afterlife. The guy I normally talk to is much better looking.” He peered around theatrically. “Where am I?”

“It's like a welcome area. You pick a god to work with, then they drop you in the world.” The Marine shrugged. “Don’t ask me how it all works. I'm just a grunt from Texas. My name is Francis, by the way.”

“I’m Jack.” The dog man extended a black fur covered hand with a leathery palm. Francis noticed a strange coldness as he took it, but decided against saying anything.

Jack leaned in close. “So, you must be that new god of monogamy that has the other ones all hot and bothered.”

“Could be.” Francis admitted. He didn't think he was important enough for anyone to take notice of. Hades was probably running his mouth and Jack had heard him. “I'm just a grunt who got lucky. Yeah, I'm a god. But so are those assholes.” He pointed his thumb at Hades.

“They'll let anyone in, won't they?” Jack laughed. “Alright, you don't seem like a total wanker. How do I become your champion?”

“Fuck if I know.” Francis took a sip of ambrosia. “After I said yes I got stuck in a black room until I picked my stats like I was in some kind of video game.”

“Oooh! I love those!” Jack wagged his tail with excitement. “We use something similar for training back home. Do you have a healer yet?”

“No, but we could definitely use one.” Francis admitted. It was only a matter of time until someone got hurt, and Willow had already explained that healing wasn't her thing.

“Well, then that's what I'll probably pick. I always wanted to be a doctor.” Jack drained his cup and refilled it. “Anything else I should know?”

“I don't know where System will toss you out, but I hang my hat in Brexis. It's a city I took over recently from a nasty lich called Zed. It's on the edge of the Dark Forest, south of Riverlark.”

“Well, I'll be sure to bring some beer when I stop by,” Jack said as he began to crumble into silvery gray dust. The process seemed to cause him no discomfort, unsettling as it was to watch. His wolfish grin stayed floating in the air long after the rest of his body had gone.

“See you around, Francis.” Jack said as his smile faded into nothingness. “I'm looking forward to seeing all this world has to offer.”