Magic Murder Cube Marine

Relativity was very happy with how things were progressing. Life was flowing into Brexis, water would turn the wheel once more, and the city would be reborn. It almost gave the evil magical artifact some semblance of hope. But Relativity’s pessimism told it that this was all too good to be true. Each time it seemed like things were getting back on track, disaster struck.

The magic staff blamed System for the delays. That was the only explanation. System wanted Brexis to fail, for some reason or other. That probably had to do with the thing sleeping beneath the city. The founders had tapped it like a geothermal vent and used it to power the city’s magical infrastructure. The more they used, the weaker it got. The weaker it became, the more the taint of death receded.

Right now everyone was absorbing a little more necrotic energy than was strictly healthy. But the levels would go down as the city woke up.

Nobody had told Francis this, so when the short green lizard man started talking about K.O.S.H.A. (Kobold Occupational Safety and Health Alliance) violations regarding worksite contamination, the Marine almost blew his lid.

“Brexis is fucking radioactive?!” He shouted. “We've got a god damned leaky fucking nuclear reactor underneath us and nobody thought to tell me!”

“No. It's not nuclear powered, it's necrotic.” Hank the kobold calmly corrected him. “If it was nuclear, we could clean it up naturally with a few spells and waste eating creatures. But levels should decrease as the city comes back online.”

Francis was about to go off again when he stopped cold. “You know about nukes? How do you know about nukes? This place is supposed to be magical medieval fucking Germany or something. How do you have nukes?”

“Let me answer a question with a question. What do you think every asshole physicist tries to do when they get here?” Hank asked, drumming his talons on his clipboard.

“Oh. They try to build a nuke, don't they?”

“Exactly!” Hank beamed. “And do you know what happens when they try and set it off? Absolutely nothing. System physics are different.”

Francis didn't know if he was relieved by the fact that nukes weren't a thing, or annoyed that he would never get to build one for himself. But the grunts and crafts projects would have to wait. “Ok, so what else do they try and build that doesn't work?”

“It depends on where they come from. There’s the nuclear stuff, the nano-machines, artificial intelligence, swift-bots…” Hank ticked them off his mental list one by one. There was an astounding amount of things that simply did not work in Vahnis.

Francis scratched his head. “Hank, how do you know about all this stuff?”

The kobold straightened his flannel shirt. “I know, because at Kobold and Kobold we pride ourselves in staying up to date with the latest construction and destruction techniques. Your imagination is our destination.”

“That's quite a sales pitch.” Francis admitted. “I don't know if Amanda filled you in on the situation. But we've got a bunch of refugees headed this way we need help with.”

“Yeah, her supreme scaliness did mention something about that as she was abducting me. Now that I think about it.” Hank waved his hand and a bird’s-eye view of the city appeared. “I managed to do some surveying before she dropped me. Believe it or not, I've had a fair bit of experience dealing with surplus populations.”

The kobold flattened the illusion down to two dimensions and started to sketch. “So, we are going to need a receiving area to separate them out into smaller groups. That way if anyone gets too excited, it won't panic the whole herd.”

Francis’ forehead wrinkled. He didn't like where things were headed. “Hank, what was that bit about dealing with surplus populations?”

The lizard man beamed and held his hard hat over his heart. “Kobold and Kobold has over a thousand years of collective experience dealing with everything from death traps to exotic lair construction. A few refugees will be no problem. We can have the ovens installed by tomorrow if you want.”

The Marine narrowed his eyes at Hank and took a puff of his cigar. Relativity was positively thrumming with malice as he spoke. “There seems to have been a misunderstanding. A failure to communicate, if you will. My intention is to welcome these people as free citizens of Brexis.”

The kobold smiled. “Well, they say that work will make you-”

Before Hank could finish the sentence, Francis reached over and clamped his mouth shut. Smoke from the cigar still resting between Francis’ fingers made the kobold’s eyes water.

Without releasing the kobold from his grip, the Marine took a puff from his cigar. The lizard man’s legs kicked helplessly as he was lifted into the air.

“Now, Hank. I want to be absolutely clear on something,” Francis said, still holding the kobold in the air, “Those people are under my protection, and I would be incredibly angry if even one of them were harmed. So, if you are able and willing to help me make Brexis a safe home for them, blink twice.”

Hank made a very deliberate show of blinking twice in agreement, so Francis gently set him down. “Wow… um….” The kobold shifted awkwardly and crossed his legs, “That was… oh boy… just wow…”

“Are you alright?” Francis asked, wondering if he had hurt Hank by accident. The kobold seemed slightly dazed by the experience. A few seconds later, a System alert popped into his vision.

—

Congratulations! You have gained a new follower.

Hank Greenscale the Engineer (10) has chosen you as their new god.

They have claimed the vacant position of:

City Planner

P.S. Most kobolds are into that. -System

—

“Oh hell,” Francis said as he saw the way Hank was looking at him and connected the dots.

Hank smiled and gave a little shrug. “I like what I like.”

***

A little later Willow gave Francis a fuzzy puppet style explanation of kobolds and their quirks. But she was in a hurry, so she did it in Grunt.

“Look, kobolds are evil, clever, and kinky as hell. They're probably the first species to invent the sex swing before the wheel.”

Francis tried to avoid that particular visual and failed miserably. “Go on.”

Willow continued. “Kobolds are attracted to power and evil, like, in a sexual way. That's why they usually serve dragons. It's some kind of weird master servant dynamic. So, when you…”

“I'm beginning to get the picture.” Francis cut her off. “Ok. So, they're evil and stuff. But can we trust them?”

“Absolutely.” Willow nodded. “As long you are careful with your wording you'll be fine. Besides, Amanda already paid them.”

Francis filled the Death Cleric in on their other problem, the necrotic energy slowly irradiating everyone.

“Well, we should be fine. But I'd make sure to keep the sick and injured away from the city until it dies down. We don't want any revenants popping up.”

“Revenants?” the Marine asked.

“Yeah, it's what happens when you get an undead body with a living soul stuck in it. They can't be controlled through Necromancy and have the nasty habit of jumping between hosts. Usually they have some unfinished business, like revenge, or revising the tax code.” Willow explained.

“That sounds absolutely horrifying,” Francis said with a shudder, “I'm happy we don't have any of those lurking around.”

The Death Cleric laughed. “Yeah, about that…”