Maniac’s Mayhem: A guide to being a corporate slave

Don’t trust a corp, especially one that is nice to you. those are usually the most malicious

--Night Ranger when asked what the best corp was in 2049

Sometimes I feel like humanity has gone too far, like innovation is good and all, but some things did not have to get invented. Like why does my ass need to be sprayed with water by the fucking toilet? That was not something I was ready for, both mentally and physically.

I walk down a small flight of stairs because, for some reason, this house is a more complicated maze than Cretan. Just when I jump off the last step of the stairs, I am hit in the back of the leg.

“Surrender now, you corporate scum!” Rose shouts at me, still wearing my mask, while waving some stick around.

“Surrender for what?” I ask, trying my best not to grin.

“For being greedy and stealing everyone's money,” She says, pointing the stick at me.

‘Lyssa, what would a foam sword cost?’

You want to fight the child? You might be stronger than Anika now, but it would still be a bad idea.

‘No, It's just a playfight. It is no fun if the villain does not resist at least a bit.’

Lyssa can get you 10 for 1 point

‘Ooh, neat, I take them.’

I put one hand behind my back in a grasping motion to grab one of the new swords.

Rose pokes me with the stick again. “Why are you quiet? Are you afraid of my awesome samurai powers?”

“Well, your samurai powers are awesome,” I say. “But I won’t surrender!”

I reveal the sword and hit her stick with it before taking several steps back and taking a ready stance. Rose freezes for a second and then takes a low stance and runs at me.

“I am going to teach you how to fly, corporate scum!” she shout at me, as she slashes her stick down.

I feel like I should say something about what she has been watching, to know that phrase, but I am really not the type of person who does that. I kind of want to be the fun aunt, not the spoilsport; I jump to the side, making big and obvious movements so she can easily follow me. She goes after me, swinging her stick wildly. I intercept it with my foam sword a few times to make it feel like a real sword fight. Then again, I have not really been in many sword fights as well.

Just as Rose overextends, I jump out of the way and turn around, running onto the deck and jumping over the railing.

“Ha, you will never catch me. I will keep extorting people to get even more money.” I say, as I start cackling wildly.

Rose stands on top of the deck, looking down at me. “Are you sure about that?”

“Yeah, I know it deep in my black corporate heart,” I say, waving my hand at her in challenge.

“Ooh, willing to make a bet on it?” Rose say,s in a weird voice. Is she trying to copy me?

“Sure, why not?” I say. “If you can catch me within 5 minutes, I will take you out for a day wherever you want to go.”

“Deal!” she says, then she points at me. “Daisy, tackle.”

“Wait, what?” suddenly, I get hit on the back of my legs, flipping over something small and fast as it takes my legs out from under me. I land on my back, and Daisy jumps on my stomach.

“Traitor,” I mutter at the creature.

Then I get poked with the stick. “I got you now, corporate scum. Surrender now and pay up.”

“I feel like having backup come in from behind is not really heroic.” I say, trying to blink the stars away.

“I am no hero. I am Maniac, a crazy psychopath that hunts down corrupt people like you.”

There is a load to unpack in that statement, but first. “Fair, you win. Daisy, please get off.” The giant lap cat gets up. I slowly stand up as well and give the foam sword to Rose. “Well played! Here, this will complete the look better than a stick, also.”

‘Lyssa, drop the rest.’

Nine more swords fall to the ground. “Hand these out to the other kids, okay?” I say, petting her head. Then I go back to the table and sit down, exhausted. I should really figure out this whole exercise thing someday. I grab one of the pitchers of water and fill a glass. I look back up and see Anika, Claire, and Jason smiling at me.

“Did I miss something funny?” I say, while refilling my glass.

“I mean, you getting your ass handed to you by a kid was kind of funny, but I am more pleasantly surprised that you are actually good with them.” Claire says.

“I am more surprised that children actually like you?” Anika says.

“Why wouldn't they like me? I am loud, colourful, and say stupid stuff. I am basically a cartoon at this point.” I say.

“You are kind of right, but I still would not let my son watch you, with the amount of swearing you do,” Jason says, with a bit of mirth.

“I can tone down the swearing; at least, I think that I can. I don’t swear in the office, so I am pretty sure I can rein it in.” I say.

“Well, you better try when you take my daughter to the zoo.” Anika says.

“The zoo?” I say, a bit confused.

“Yeah, Rose loves animals more than anything, so she probably would want to go to the zoo when you take her out.” Anika says.

“Ooh, really? Never really gone to one myself, so that would be cool. What are zoos like?” I ask.

“Well, you can see a lot of animals up close in fancy habitats.” Anika says, “Do you even have the money to pay for a visit? With how rare animals are nowadays, the price is exorbitant. Even with my salary, I have only been able to take her there once.”

“That much, huh? How do we feel about turning one of the hotel floors into a zoo.” I say, while looking at the other two Samurai.

“That is probably one of the worst ideas you have had so far.” Jason says. “I mean, it’s okay, but who would take care of the animals?”

“Rose would,” I say confidently.

“You want to force my daughter to work for you?” Anika asks, her brow raised.

“I would pay her, and I would not force her, but if she likes animals, working with them would be great, right?” I ask.

“Evelin, she is ten,” Anika says, giving me a stunned look.

“Okay, so we give her a manager position and let her tell some workers how to take care of the animals.”

“You want to make my daughter a manager?” Anika asks, confused.

“Yeah, why not? Reading some of the orders my managers give me, makes me think that they are ten years old anyway. So we just get her a swanky suit and everything. Nobody will notice.”

“I'll think about it then, but no guarantees.” Anika says.

“That is fair. I mean, I have way more stuff to do until I can start creating pet projects.” I say.

“I mean, we should decide what we are going to do with the rest of the mega building at some point,” Claire says.

“Getting them secured so the building does not collapse should be a priority.” Jason says, “But using all of it is going to be hard; we might as well rent out a few floors to pay for the cost of maintenance and such.”

I shrug. “It's as good an option as any other. You just have to realise that property value goes up once people realise a samurai lives in the building. I don’t know how much it is going to rise with an entire team of samurai in there.”

Anika suddenly gets up. “I got to go.”

“Why, any trouble?” I say with a bit of concern.

“No, but you are right. Once people find out, those floors will sell for billions of credits. And while I enjoy the hotel atmosphere, I would like it if my family could have their own space. So purchasing a floor to turn into apartments should go well,” she says.

“While I don’t mind you wanting to earn some more cash, do you even have the wealth to buy a place there?” I say with concern in my voice. “You should know better than to make spur-of-the-moment decisions.”

“I was going to ask Cierra to help fund it.” she says, in a bit of an awkward tone.

I look at both Claire and Jason, but they are looking at me for answers: “Sell her the penthouse floor. Would be nice to have.” I say.

Anika gives me a look and then hurries off.

“I thought you were going to tell her not to do it,” Jason says.

“Well, yeah, but I am running out of places to pull funds from. I bought all the floors below the hotel, but I can't get the funds ready quickly enough to purchase the top floors as well. So, we might as well put someone in there we know, right?”

“You think Cierra is going to live there?” Claire asks.

“Once she finds out she bought a penthouse above samurai headquarters, yes. Anything to meet a real samurai, I guess.”

“She is in for a treat once she finds out who you are.” Claire says with a smile.

“Yeah, that is going to be a conversation and a half.” I say, with a bit of resignation.

“How do you plan to do it?” Claire asks.

“Well, first, I want our relationship sorted before I tell her anything. I don’t want her to make a bad choice just because I am a samurai.”

“And how are you going to approach that subject? I don’t want to push you or anything. I am even willing to help with anything that you would need.” Claire says in a bit of a stutter.

“It's fine; I will get my skeleton first, then make sure the hotel does not burn down, and then I need to check what my new job is before I can find a time to sit down with her properly.” I say. “Probably get a nice dinner or something to charge the atmosphere.”

“You can cook?” Jason asks me incredulously.

“I know how to toss a salad.” I say.

“That is it?” Claire looks at me in surprise.

“Yeah, anytime some chemical reaction is involved that should change the makeup of my food, I fuck it up,” I say, smiling at the chemist.

“Don’t worry. I'll teach you proper chemistry even if I have to force you.” Claire says, danger in her eyes.

“Uhm, Jason, I request backup.” I tell the large man.

“I can teach you how to cook.” He says with a nod.

“I did not want help with that. I have Lyssa. She can provide good meals,” I say.

Jason shuffles over a bit to whisper in my ear. “Trust me, sex is better after you give them a homecooked meal.”

I look at him, trying to figure out the statement, then I look at Claire and figure it is worth a try, at least. “Sure, why not? We can see when I take the classes.”

“Well, you are always more than welcome here. We can just cook dinner when you visit. What would you like to learn first? Steaks are always a good choice.” Jason says excitedly

“Uhm, sorry, I have AGS, so steak is not a good idea. Maybe chicken.” I say, a bit embarrassed.

“Is that some kind of diet?” Jason asks, confused, looking at the food on the tables.

“No, I am allergic to meat, mostly red meat, so unless you are looking to completely ruin a steak, we might want to cook something else.” I say, my face turning red.

“That sounds awfully restrictive,” Jason says.

“Not really. I am not rich enough to even afford meat, and Cierra knows of my condition, so she always takes me to mostly vegetarian restaurants. So I don’t usually even have the option.” I explain.

“Can’t your AI give you something?” Claire asks, deep in thought.

'I had not considered it really. What are my options, Lyssa?'

Originally, this disease was acquired through a tick bite. Sadly, when one pharmaceutical company had a contaminated dose of insulin with the disease inside, they still decided to sell it, and a large part of Belgium and the southern Netherlands were infected. It mutated and became part of their genetics.

'What does that mean?'

Unless a tick bit you, this is the most likely cause of the disease requiring specific treatment. However, a genetic sample would still be recommended.

'I see, but I don’t think I have a catalogue for genetics.'

You would have to acquire some, but with the minor changes that you want to make, it would be cheap.

'Put a pin in it for now. It would be nice to have, but it is not a priority.'

Jason smiles at me. “You know what? You might not be able to consume meat, but I can teach you how to make dessert. Follow me to the kitchen.”

“Which one?”