MHA – Shoto Todoroki : Modern-day Terrorist

64.

Of the 722 civilians I'd fought so hard to save, only 64 had survived the confrontation with the Nomus.

Among them, 42 were wounded, 19 of them critically.

To say that I was angry was a serious understatement.

Killing Kurogiri hadn't been enough to soothe my frustration.

I'd gone out of my way to save them - hell, I'd almost been caught in the explosion myself while saving the last of the civilians, and what for ?

I'd led them straight to slaughter.

They'd been eaten alive, screamed in terror as their children and parents were killed in front of them, whereas the only two fucking Heroes present hadn't been able to save a single child.

I was lucid : I knew it wasn't my fault.

I hadn't been the one to bring the Nomus, I hadn't even considered the possibility that All for One might have as many operational ones available ; but it was I who had gathered all the civilians in one place, I who had herded them like dogs in a crowded space, I who had led them all to their deaths because I had a fucking chance to hit All for One and hadn't wanted to waste it.

Why everything always went wrong even when I tried my best ?

Why, for fucking once, things couldn't go my way ?

Every time I didn't care about the consequences, things went to shit. Every time I tried to help, things went to shit.

I was tired of trying, tired of always fighting against all odds, tired of doing everything I could to be a better fucking person and nothing ever-

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm myself, my head resting against the cool wall.

I counted to ten three times in a row to quell my nerves, trying to think of everything but the kid I'd knowingly left to die because if I killed All for One, then I'd save more civilians in the long run - it was mathematical, and-

I breathed in.

Breathed out.

Keigo would have told me to stay positive.

I didn't even know where they'd taken him.

"Still not asleep ?"

I looked up at my father who, was standing in the doorway, had his arms full of sandwiches, salads, sodas, and just about anything else a machine could sell.

"Too hungry", I said.

And the shrieks and pained moans from the patients I could clearly hear were grating on my nerves.

Rain was still pouring outside, yet a dim light bathed the city in a gray glow.

"You really need to get some sleep," he insisted. "I know how tired you are"

My eyes were so heavy that my eyelids were burning hot yet my eyebags were dark and icy.

My thoughts were light, foggy, unwilling to focus on a specific idea.

I felt like I was going to faint.

"I'm hungry", I said, reaching for the plastic boxes he was handing me

Which was true, but not really why I was forcefully staying awake like this.

The shadow of a smile crossed dad's lips. He sat down in the chair next to mine, the only other one in the office. We were both uncomfortable sitting, hunched, shoulders sloped - they were too small.

A nurse had quickly assessed our condition earlier : since there was nothing "troublesome" about us, they'd given us the keys a doctor's office on vacation, so we could rest there while waiting for someone to attend to us.

In truth dad had had nothing but a few scratches, which I'd already fixed with microdoses of iryo-ninjutsu.

As for me, I had nothing but a concussion, a shoulder bite, scores of scratches all over my torso and neck, and knees that felt like crushed ice.

More than being on the verge of chakra exhaustion and blacking out, it was the possibility of someone seeing me injured and then noticing I'd miraculously healed that kept me from doing anything.

All for One might have understood that I could make clones, that didn't mean the rest of the world had to know that I could heal myself.

I bit into a sandwich, my thoughts drifting back to the shrine.

Kurogiri must have been the one who decided to bring the Nomus to us because the last time I'd seen All for One, he was half delirious, hysterical and most importantly, dismembered.

He must have panicked and tried to get me to stay in Atago-Jinja while he decided what to do with All for One.

Kurogiri, once dead, had morphed back into human before my eyes, his smoky body reverting back to that of a black-haired teenager.

I'd thought about telling Aizawa to stir the pot, but then I remembered that his eyes had been gouged out and he now was helpless and powerless in a world of monsters.

It was a pretty harsh revenge for what he'd done to me at the summer camp, altough I had no hand in it.

He was in this very hospital, barely a few rooms away from where I was.

"Let's just say it has its pros and cons. The pros include immediate hunting of All for One and his henchmen : no need to wait for permits or comply with laws... Give me the chicken salad"

I handed him the box, devouring a pasta salad myself.

"The downside is that the army, in short the government, will take this opportunity to clean up Tokyo. There's going to be a lot of quick executions following mock trials.
A lot of vilains are going to be killed in the next few days"

"I don't see why that's a problem"

I believed those who took benefit of last night's chaos to secretly carry out their plans deserved nothing less than prison, so death penalty...

He swallowed before answering.

"I mentioned the villains, but that includes each and every civilians and Heroes suspected of having a connection to All for One. It's as though we've restored death penalty"

My thoughts went back to Keigo, who had vanished.

They wouldn't execute him for assaulting a civilian, would they ?

No, of course they wouldn't do anything to him.

Hawks was far too useful.

"The most worrying thing is that there is only one man in charge. He can do whatever he wants, and even after the state of emergency is lifted, he won't be held accountable for anything"

His outlook on things surprised me for he had been a soldier.

"Don't you agree with martial law's establishment ?"

He qualified his remarks.

"I understand the necessity, but no one should ever have the right of life and death over their fellow human beings. It's that kind of thing that leads to abusive situations and overzealousness"

I could see what he meant, but on the other hand, in light of that night's disaster, I also understood the need to hunt down culprits and make examples of them.

We kept eating quietly, each of us shoveling sandwich after sandwich without stopping.

I drank a can, watching him out of the corner of my eye, waiting for him to finish his egg salad before I asked.

"Hey, I was wondering"

"Hmm ?"

He opened a can of cold tomato soup and drank right out of the lid.

"We didn't have time to talk about what happened at the shrine"

He shrugged.

"It happened what happened"

The can I set on the table rang louder than I'd expected.

"Don't your feel guilty ?" I asked. "All those people... they died because of us"

Without looking me in the eye, he kept eating.

"Not because of us" he said. "In spite of us"

It sounded worse.

"Still, I feel..."

It took me a few seconds to find the right words.

"I feel we could've done more"

Suddenly, he snapped.

His angry eyes glared at me.

"And what did you want us to do, huh ? Neither you nor I are gods. We can't bring the dead back to life, no matter how hard we try. We fought at the risk of our lives to save them, but every time we thought one would make it out alive, another one of those fucking Nomus fell from the sky and beheaded them"

His mouth was a hard line, his wrinkles more accentuated by fatigue, his eyes red from burst blood vessels, his dirty skin covered in dried blood.

His tone was rough, yet there was something fragile in his gaze, a gleam that told me his anger wasn't aimed at me.

"Don't make the mistake of thinking this night our fault," he said. "And don't make the mistake of blaming yourself. We did the best we could've and it wasn't enough. There's nothing more to say"

I held his gaze for a second before looking away.

Hadn't that always been my problem ? Wasn't this the root of all the ills that had plagued me since childhood ?

I was afraid of not being good enough, so I trained harder and harder to be invincible, but it had never been enough.

Worst of all, I could only see two solutions to the problem : feel sorry for myself or train harder.

I was like a horse with blinders on, unable to see anything but the path laid out for him, driven by the whips it was given.

Dad's soothing hand rested on my shoulder.

His voice had softened.

"It's hard for me too", he murmured. "I was there with you, just as helpless : you weren't alone as they died around us. Remember one thing, Shoto : you could be the most powerful man on earth, you still wouldn't be able to save everyone"

I refused to believe it.

There had to be a day when I'd be enough, there had to be.

Otherwise, what was the point of everything I'd went through ?

There had to be a reason, there had to be a point, there had to be something at the end of the tunnel.

Or else I don't know how I can go on with my life.

There was a knock at the door.

I stretched my senses around us.

Only one person and no one I recognized.

"Someone needed to see you ?", I asked dad

Surely he had Hero business to attend to - even though Heroes were all temporarily relieved of their duties.

"Not that I know of", he said, eyebrows furrowed.

Before he could make the smallest gesture I was already on my feet, right hand on the handle, left arm at my side.

From my left hand, slightly hidden behind my thigh, sprang an ice knife.

Dad did not comment.

I opened the door, barely ajar enough for the one behind to only see me

"Endeavor-san, Todoroki-san," a loud, clear voice greeted

A soldier in fatigues stood in the doorway.

"General Shirai wants to speak with you"

*

A/N :

End of the week chapters were previously published Friday and Saturday ; from now on it will be Saturday and Sunday.

Thanks a lot for your comments everyone, especially when you're just thanking me for the chapter : it's nice to know that the story is appreciated.

And by the way I read chapter 197 after publishing it and I was astonished by the amount of errors and nonsense I translated. Sorry about that, seems like my brain turned off at some point... I've started using grammarly on recent chapters and am now writing directly in English so hopefully there will be less mistakes.

Anyway, if you like to story and want to support it/ want to read ahead of schedule, go check the story's P@treon, Nar_cisseENG

And see you in the next update everyone !