NotSoHero

I know very well this wasn’t a dream. After all, I’m not dumb enough to create something so insane all by myself. And if I was, they would be a lot more girls anyway. There’s no point to middle-age retarded dudes fighting themselves for no reason. Girl contrariwise, with some oil, a good stage and bare hand fighting… 

The fact is, why, even when I already knew it all, did they need to remind me. I was fine, I would have finished the day and spend the next following ones taking care of lily, cuddling a little to make amends for this morning crisis, and making food. It might as well end with a midnight bath in the near future, helping Lily to clean her body while engraving my memory with some useful material. 

 They had to slam me back to reality! Unforgivable! 

BANG! “Hand Up! Stay stil–”“EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekK!!!!!!”

Lately, people have no manners, can’t they just wait before entering into action? Lily, true to herself, is always in a bad position (yet she does show the best of her body so I forgave her.) and furthermore, they usually stare at her, totally ignoring me like I was air.

 Just a moment ago, we were finally finishing our morning routine, in the late afternoon.  After the little scare we had, my first action was to relocate us from our initial position, as far as Lily state allowed it, deeper in the forest. The trolls remain? I took care of it quickly and just picked up the subjugation evidence, their mana crystal. Too bad for the valuable part, but I had no time to lose.

I was careful not to leave obvious traces which proves particularly difficult with the combined weight of two people. I chose a good hiding spot for ourselves, where I would be able to monitor the surroundings. After all, I didn’t know who these freaks were, nor what they were doing, but I was aware of the possible reasons and nothing good could come out of them. 

It appears I was right again.

After a few hours of princess-carry walking at a good pace, which did not help to improve Lily’s condition at all. I Installed Lily comfortably on our sleeping bags, letting her attend to her bodily injury. The snack time-almost-dinner duty was on me, and I went to work. Delicious berries I found not far from the idiots before setting out, some beef jerky, decorated with hard bread… I couldn’t do much, I had not hunted anything since 2 days ago, and troll meat doesn’t taste good, even cooked. 

Maybe, I would’ve try to find something good later, it would’ve be nice to have a lovely ‘diner aux chandelles¹french word for candlelight dinner’ between Lily and me, this should’ve increased the midnight bath chance. Not today, of course, she was not in condition, but soon enough...

I believe a lake was nearby, that was clearly an opportunity not to be missed. Not that she would refuse if I asked her, but if I did, she would take it as an advance and I couldn’t let it happen. No, I want her to make the suggestion herself, like she did this morning. She was rather shy and cute when it came to showing herself in embarrassing situations. 

BUT THIS DAMN BRUTE MESSED UP!

The bang sound wasn’t from an explosion or anything like. But from a common magic item used to signal your position. While the voice came from a man, likely another villain. The owner of the two, who was holding us at gunpoint with a loaded crossbow, only started speaking after a long blank where only Lily scream could be heard. 

I wish she would have kept it silent or made it a little louder. I could have made use of the latter to make a move, and in the former case, she wouldn’t have broken my eardrums.

***

“I was lurk-roaming around in the forest, for personal matters, and took a nap waiting for my prey. What wasn’t my surprise, when I was awakened in the middle of my dream by the gentle voice of a girl who wasn’t part of it. I was having a really good tim–ahem, a good rest ya know. I was so frustrated at first, moreover you were all lovey-dovey. I said to myself ‘No matter who, they will pay the price. All loving couples should die!! Especially good looking ones’.” The man, apparently unmoved by Lily’s scream, worthy of the greatest opera singers, well, in length at least, began to tell us about his day like he would’ve to an old friend. 

You were totally having a wet dream, weren't you? And to kill someone just as he shows affection to others in front of you, quite overreacts, even for a jealous one, no? Go get yourself a proper job and chick so, instead of napping in the middle of nowhere.

 “Then I waited for the perfect occasion, when you would’ve taken action and eaten each other. But you've made me wait long enough! ”

Hey!  Don't drag me into this! I haven't even fixed myself on the matter yet. 

“Aw… but we’re not that close.” Blush “I mean, wouldn’t mind but he does…” Lily, who had just managed to calm and catch her breath, didn’t even wait to recover from her lung pain before  engaging in the conversation. She didn’t seem to mind the situation anymore and responded like she was speaking to a friend.

“Shut up! I almost killed you to prevent this, do not make me regret my choice! You’re lucky I heard the boss’s crazy looking for adventurers wandering around.That’s you, right? You totally look like adventurers.” 

“We are not adventurers, but just a simple loving newly married-couple on honeymoon who got lost, isn’t it my dear? I have proof of it, I can show you the certificate.”

“As if I would believe you, and you better not, otherwise I would have to claim both your life and your girlfriend’s body on the spot. Unless you really don’t like her much and allow me to take her in your stead.I only wait cuz I don’t know what’s about you and why the boss wants you.”

Tch, if only… Had you shot me I would have definitely eliminated you instead. But you have to be clever for once.

“How fortunate! You were not my original target, but that’s not too bad too. Because the view is pleasant, I grant you forgiveness for having disturbed my sleep hehe. Till the boss’s here, don’t move… Unless you want the slut over here to take an arrow in the heart.”

Yup, anyway. We were finally resting and speaking freely, while trading some teasing jokes as usual, but it appeared my hiding spot was already occupied by a sleeping virgin pervert thug and it ended up being our own trap. 

In this situation, Lily was defenseless, still tired and hurt. Half naked and without a spoon within reach, she was taking care of her lower body’s injuries. Moreover, I was too far to ensure her safety, I was not in a position to defend her from an arrow. There is no way out. How lucky! 

The man was staying at a good distance  out of my range of action, but close enough so he could take aim with a crossbow without difficulty. His focus was on Lily, the easy and unmissable target. I was unable to do anything about it. 

Whatever, he was partially hidden behind some stone and bush, no wonder I only found out about his existence just now, but I should really question myself at this point. It seems obvious that sleeping enemies are my achilles heel.

This one sure was a bit odd, he didn’t mess up from the start, nor did he kill himself. He did stare at Lily's lower body, however, he could still control his lust and didn’t make a dumb move like idk, taking her hostage and asking me kindly to go away for a moment? That's a first, I started to believe that low IQ was the norm for thugs in this part of the country. Well, I hope he is the exception to rule. I guess I could get by as long as his teammates are the same as those imbeciles we met so far.

He said something about a boss and us being wanted, were the guys before scouts? Were they all part of a big group hunting us because we killed a few? Even so, the guild should suspect something if a gathering of the sort existed, but I saw no notice whatsoever. They should make a low profile, and they wouldn’t hazard a chance to blow their cover by hunting us randomly or using a flare.

The most frustrating thing is that I clearly know he was drooling from the sight of Lily’s intoxicating body. And one, I couldn’t do anything, two, I couldn’t look at it myself! That would have been better than fixing a monkey in heat with a boner and a dangerous crossbow at least. 

That is to say, we waited patiently and at some point, I was allowed to sit far from Lily and eat the food I had prepared. I even received permission to throw something to her so she could sustain herself too. A half naked Lily who was ordered to stay as she was. To ensure her hand stays idle and she doesn’t have secret weapons. Said the man… You just wanted to enjoy the view more, admit it! Pff not fair, why'd you let me alone with my imagination!

For a while I was tempted to try my luck against the situation, but I really didn’t want to put Lily in any more danger, and with the burst of light in the sky, I couldn’t dream about escaping anymore. Better see what they wanted from us, and should they try to kill us, I would definitely get out of this, leaving Lily behind, they wouldn’t dare to kill her right?. If only I wasn’t penniless!! I would be able to offer them an arrangement at least! 

Anyway, giving up all hope. I looked at those damn bandits we were waiting for. I could already see the one who was likely the boss exit the tree cover with a certain number of mobs at his sides. They looked like typical bandits you could find anywhere… or not, most likely you would find only here. They were in league with multiple retards and one poet after all.

 But hey, that's a fine gathering you had there. Sorry? How many felons do you need to take care of a pair of adventurers? How did you prevent the guild from finding out about you? Even my blind grandmother would be aware if an army was hiding in the forest near her house. There is something fishy about them, they were definitely not mere bandits. 

I’m starting to wonder if Lily is not bearing misfortune. Either she or me, in fact, that’s probably my fault, but why is this happening now? Couldn’t you wait until I had my moonshine bath with lily?