Of Gnomes, Orcs & App Design

If life was a game, then clearly I had done something to piss off the devs.

This project was mine. Mr Miller had promised. I was the obvious choice.

“I need you both on this,” he’d explained, pacing from one side of the studio to the other. At least he had the decency to look guilty about it.

‘Both’ would’ve been fine if it was Emily or Carol, or even Josh, but Andrei?

I watched from the corner of my eye as the man exchanged a few words in Russian with Nikita, who was sitting on the opposite side of his table. They both laughed like they were at a stand-up show, slapping their thighs and everything. It almost looked exaggerated.

I used to be curious about their little inside jokes until I noticed that the majority of them contained the same three or four words. The same words they both tended to murmur angrily to themselves after meetings with some of our more annoying clients.

I turned my attention back to my work.

I needed to have the screens ready for approval by Wednesday, and before that could happen I'd need to run them by Andrei. No doubt so he can find a way to stamp out any creativity that I planned to incorporate into the design.

The client we were creating the app for, Catalyst Inc, was top priority. At the beginning of the year when WebCraft was under threat of closing, securing Catalyst was Mr Miller's crowning achievement.

He'd taken everyone out to a nice restaurant the day they signed a contract. Well, as nice a restaurant as you could find in a small town like Pinevale, anyway.

It was a week or so later that Andrei joined our workforce.

We'd only had two other programmers on the team before he'd shown up. WebCraft didn't usually develop apps, our forte was websites, so hiring another programmer was crucial. Or at least that's what Mr Miller had insisted.

At first, I didn't mind the man too much. He was nice to look at in any case. Broad-shouldered, tall, and with a mane of curly brown hair that jutted out in every direction and made him resemble a mad scientist. Even his goofy smile was vaguely attractive in the right lighting. There was something almost endearing about him. Almost.

But whatever that something was, it was promptly overshadowed by his attitude. I couldn't recall the last time I'd come up with a unique design that was approved by our small technical team since he'd shown up. It was always ‘Needlessly complex’ or ‘Too time-consuming’. And Mr Miller always took his word on it, just because he came from some fancy shmancy university.

I realized I was glaring at him again when Andrei raised an eyebrow in challenge.

“What?”

I straightened up in my seat. “I'm going to need you to look over the screens before I head out,”

“I'm busy.” He answered, and then shamelessly went back to his conversation with Nikita. I tapped my fingers on my desk in irritation.

“Busy doing what? You haven't touched your computer in the past 15 minutes!”

Andrei gave me a dismissive look. “Taking a break helps to clear your head, you should try it sometime.”

“Please,” I said, waving a finger in the direction of his head “There are exactly two brain cells in there and they are deadly scared of being evicted too,”

Instead of dignifying my words with a reply, Andrei just glared at me.

He was wearing one of his signature graphic tees today, this one with a programming joke I couldn’t quite figure out printed across it. He was also wearing a golden bracelet that I’ve never seen leave his wrist.

It always seemed strange to me that he would spend money on something like that. It looked like it cost more than the 5 bucks he probably spent on the rest of his wardrobe.

“A staring contest? Are you guys at it again?”

I jumped at the sound of Mr Miller’s voice, hand flying to my chest.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you,” he said, giving me a sheepish smile.

“No, that’s on me. I concentrated a little too hard on trying to shoot lasers out of my eyes. Didn’t work last time either, but I thought I’d try again, you never know.”

Nikita laughed, slapping Andrei on the shoulder. “I told you dude, she so wants you,”

Nikita had long since perfected the art of pushing my buttons. I knew he never meant to truly offend me. I could tell by the way he’d observe my face after every rude joke he made over the years, checking for signs of discomfort.

I wasn’t above acting offended though.

“You know I can bring this up with HR, right? This definitely counts as harassment.”

“HR? You mean Jessica?” Nikita gestured towards our co-worker sitting on the opposite side of our small office.

Jessica let out an exasperated sigh, glanced up from her phone, said: “Stop it, Nikita. It’s not nice.” and went back to scrolling through Instagram posts.

“We’re so efficient here at WebCraft,” Nikita said with a smug smile.

“If that was true then Andrei would already be looking over my screens!”

“Andrei, look over her screens,” Jessica said, clearly not paying attention to the conversation.

“You really should look over her screens, Andrei.” Mr Miller said.

I shot the programmer a victorious smirk. Mr Miller’s word was gospel in this studio.

‘Fine, fine. Ganging up on me,” Andrei murmured under his breath.

Mr Miller walked over to our small coffee station, chuckled at the silly note he himself glued to the wall over the sink - ‘I washed the dishes once, but they came back. I'm not falling for that again’ - then made his way over to my desk.

Ironic, really. He's the one who always ends up washing the dishes for everyone else.

He stopped behind me and took out a pair of glasses.

“These look great, Jen. If Andrei approves we can move on to development,”

I beamed. But then I felt another presence behind me.

Andrei leaned over my desk too, closer than Mr Miller had.

He rested a hand on one of my armrests so he could take a closer look at the screen. I felt his breath near my ear and tried to stop myself from shuddering.

“They look nice,” he said.

I turned my head around, shocked.

“But I’m not looking for just ‘nice’. This section,” he pointed towards the area I’ve been working on for the past two hours, “Isn’t something we can do in the time frame we had in mind. You’re going to have to re-work it.”

I shot Mr Miller a desperate glance, but the man gave me an apologetic smile. I threw my hands in the air in frustration.

“I need a break,” I announced and stood up from my seat. “Gonna get myself a bite to eat,”

“I’d love a croissant,” Jessica said, eyes still glued to her phone.

“Ooh, and a coffee! Venti, half-caf, triple-shot, caramel macchiato with almond milk, extra foam, a sprinkle of cinnamon-”

I was outside the studio doors before she could finish her sentence.

Xxx

Nataly busied herself with pouring the popcorn she'd just removed from the microwave into a large bowl as I lay stretched out on our couch. My eyes were glued to the TV screen.

Watching K-dramas was our biggest obsession of late, and it never disappointed.

“Hurry up, you're gonna miss it. He started giving the fish CPR!”

I called over my shoulder. The logic - or rather lack of logic in these shows never failed to amaze me.

“What? Wait go back go back, I have to see,”

I rewinded until the point where the female lead entered through the doors of the vet holding a bag of water with a dying fish squirming inside.

“This has to be the dumbest plot point so far,” Nataly said, plopping down next to me and shoving the bowl of popcorn into my hands.

“I know, right? I mean there's dedication to your job and then there's this. Who sacrifices themselves for their boss's fish?”

I shoveled popcorn into my mouth and nodded in agreement.

“Also who buys a fish for millions of dollars? I mean at that point you have to know that it’s money gone down the drain.”

Hanging out with Nataly was my favorite part of the day.

She was by far my favorite human on earth. She grew up with a mother who made an art form of screwing different men every night, and a father that wasn't in the picture.

As a result, unconditional love and the concept of family were something that she spent every living moment of her life searching for.

It didn’t make for the happiest of childhoods, but It did make her a very good friend.

I dreaded the moment when she would have to move into the dorms at UT Austin.

She was still acting as if her getting in wasn’t a given, but that was plain ridiculous.

No one else I knew studied as hard as she did. Our daily forty-five-minute K-drama break was practically the only break she allowed herself during the day. Even her breakfasts were eaten over her study notes, pages warped from spilled milk and tainted all colors of the rainbow from stray lucky charms.

“What even is this plot?” She asked, bringing me back to the present.

“A masterpiece,” I replied, then felt a loud yawn escape me.

“God, I needed that after today,”

“Andrei?” Nataly asked.

“And Nikita. And Jessica,”

She gave me a sly smile. “You know, if everyone has it out for you, maybe you’re the problem.”

I gasped dramatically. “How could you say that? I’ll revoke your best friend privileges!”

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. I know where you sleep,”

I pretended to be horrified. She laughed, but then her expression turned serious.

“I think you need to expand your social circle. All you’ve been talking about lately is your co-workers.”

I knew she was right. I was never a very social person. Or rather, I had the potential to be, but my anxiety got in the way of things more often than I’d like to admit.

Sometimes I get really mad at myself for letting it get to me so much.

Gone were the days of shutting myself in my room and leaving the house once a month. I was doing so much better now. Most days I didn’t feel anxious at all.

But the instincts stayed. I had to re-learn saying yes to things.

“I have this friend I met through a study group. His name is Kevin’ She started.

“He wants to start running a D&D campaign soon and he’s looking for players. I think we should join.”

The thought of meeting new people was always unnerving, but D&D sessions tended to last anywhere from three to five hours at a time. I wasn’t an experienced player, but I knew that much.

“Do you even have the time for that?” I asked before I could stop myself.

“It’s on weekends. And Kevin said it’s ok if I miss a session now and then,”

“Right…” I said, mad at myself for hesitating.

Nataly gave me a sympathetic smile.

“You know you should. And besides, coming up with characters is really fun!”

Nataly, unlike me, was an avid D&D player. I’ve helped her brainstorm ideas for characters several times in the past, and she was right - it was fun.

I straightened up in my seat. “Ok, but you’re gonna have to help me out here. I remember the basics, but it’s been a long time.”

Xxx

The weekend rolled around before I could mentally prepare myself for it, and I was standing rigidly beside Nataly on her friend’s doorstep. She gave me an encouraging look and then climbed the wooden steps to press the doorbell.

Immediately loud barking came from within the house. A part of me relaxed. I absolutely loved dogs. Besides being the best thing since the invention of fire, they were also the perfect excuse to avoid talking to people. Although I was determined to try my hardest this time around.

“Partos, get back here!” A man’s voice called from behind the door, before it was flung open and a crazed-looking labradoodle jumped out at us.

He was, by far, the cutest pooch I’ve ever laid eyes on. He had so much fur he resembled a sheep that’s never been sheared, and the fur around his eyes was darker, almost resembling eyeliner.

I immediately went down to my haunches to pet him.

“Kevin, I didn’t know you had a dog. Since when?” Nataly asked.

“He’s not mine, wish he was though. Sydney has allergies. But she’s out with friends this weekend.”

I looked up to see Nataly handing Kevin a bag of snacks we’d picked up on the way here.

He was a tall man - almost as tall as Nataly, and reminded me a little bit of Shaggy from scooby doo. It was either the hair or the distinct smell of weed. I did hear that playing D&D high enhanced the experience.

“Jen,” I said when he turned to peer down at me.

He gave me a friendly grin and gestured towards the door. “Well come in, come in!”

Nataly pulled me up and under her arm and marched us inside.

It was a compact, three-bedroom house he was sharing with two other men - one of which had introduced himself as George.

He was short and muscular, and his face was doing its level best to not drown inside a thick, unruly beard. If his character was anything but a dwarf it would be one hell of a missed opportunity.

As I made my way to the small, round table that was at the center of the room, he offered me a pizza slice from an open box.

“Thanks,” I said, accepting it with a smile.

The second roommate was out tonight. I overheard Kevin mentioning that he worked as a barman.

Nataly sat down beside me, picking up a tiny figurine of a gnome holding a magic staff.

“Listen, this little lady is exactly how I imagined your character,”

I took it from her and placed it in the center of my hand. She was right, the resemblance was uncanny.

How much of a basic bitch was I if a mass-produced figurine was what my brain had churned out after hours of brainstorming?

“Make yourselves comfortable, guys. I’m just gonna go grab the dice.” Kevin announced, leaving us to chat between ourselves.

When he returned it was with another man.

No, no way.

I stood up too fast, my knees bumping painfully into the table and sending figurines flying to the floor.

“Andrei?!”

Andrei stared at me from across the room, eyes wide. Clearly, he was expecting me about as much as I was expecting him.

Kevin and George looked between the two of us, confused.

“Wait, Andrei? The Andrei?” Nataly asked.

Andrei’s expression turned smug. “The Andrei? Really, Jen? You’re gonna make me blush!”

“Oh shut up,” I said, rubbing my hurt knee.

My eyes flicked to the front door on instinct, but Nataly must have noticed because she pulled me back down to my seat.

“Come on, I’ve been doing nothing but study for the entire week, I need this!” She begged.

I had a sneaking suspicion that it had more to do with her curiosity than anything else, but I relented either way.

“Fine,”

Kevin took his own seat at the table, positioning his DM screen in front of him.

“Right, don’t know what that’s all about,” He said, nudging a velvet pouch filled with dice to the center of the table. “You guys ready to start or what?”

I watched as Andrei took the last seat, squeezing himself between George and Kevin. There wasn’t much space to go around, and he had to push a bag of Doritos to the side to make room for his elbows.

“Ok,” Kevin started, clearing his throat.

As soon as he opened his mouth again, his voice changed entirely. It became lower. Somber. The change was so sudden that it caught me off guard.

“The sun sets on the bustling city of Eldoria, casting long shadows over its cobblestone streets and towering spires.” He said,

“You find yourselves seated around a sturdy oak table in the guild hall, the flickering candlelight casting a warm glow on your faces. Would you like to introduce yourselves?”

“I’ll go first,” George said, straightening up in his chair.

He looked like he hit the gym eight days a week and chugged raw eggs for breakfast. Which was why when he started the sentence with ‘Daisy Twinklebum is a renowned bard’, everyone collectively held back snickers.

The next one to go was Nataly.

Her character was a Dragonborn fighter named Nelle. She tried to keep her story short, but I knew she had spent every bathroom break on her phone coming up with details on her backstory and was dying to share.

Despite the time it took, everyone listened respectfully. George even oohed and ahhed in places. He seemed like a good guy.

As she finished, Partos walked over to Andrei and laid a paw over his thigh. I guess the gesture meant ‘uppies’, because in a second the distinctly not-a-lap-dog-sized dog was in his lap.

“Andrei, you wanna introduce your character?” Kevin prompted, drawing my attention away from the pooch.

“Sure,” Andrei said and then flashed a surprisingly anxious glance my way.

As soon as our eyes met he immediately shifted his gaze and cleared his throat.

“Gavak. My character’s name is Gavak,” he said, without elaborating.

“Ok, Gavak. Sounds like a standup guy. What’s his deal?” Kevin asked.

He didn’t seem surprised by his friend’s behavior. Either he knew him better than I did, or he was just used to DMing for inexperienced players.

“Well, he really just likes smashing things,” Andrei said, somewhat bashfully.

This new side of Andrei was quite entertaining, I decided.

I watched with amusement as he nervously pet Partos’s ears. He must’ve accidentally pulled on his fur a little too hard, because the dog yelped and shot off of him, nearly knocking him off his seat in the process.

I huffed out a laugh, unintentionally drawing his attention to me - and immediately regretted it. Whatever signs of vulnerability I had glimpsed before disappeared.

“He’s a half-orc barbarian,” Andrei started, making a point of looking straight at the figurine that was still sitting in my palm. “He hates wizards, and his favorite improvised throwing weapon is a convenient gnome.”

I glared back at him.  “So to summarize - dumb, violent, and racist.”

“You’re making Daisy Twinklebum nervous,” George said, trying to lighten the mood.

Andrei laid back in his chair, apparently having recovered his smugness in full. I wanted to knock it right off of his chiseled face.

“Jen, would you like to introduce your character too?” Kevin asked.

“Yes, actually,” I said. “My character’s name is Sassa.”

I paused, mimicking the way that Andrei had started his own introduction.

“But wait - there’s more!”

I savored the way the smirk left his face.

“She’s a gnome wizard. She’s got beautiful red hair that she keeps in braids, and she’s not at all aerodynamic - so you better not try to throw her anywhere,”

“Gavak doesn’t believe things until he puts them to the test,” Andrei said, unperturbed.

“No, nope, not allowed. You cannot throw another player’s character without their permission,” Kevin intervened, looking like a tired elementary school teacher.

From the little experience I had playing D&D that sort of expression usually took at least a couple of sessions to emerge.

I didn’t know if I should feel proud or guilty.

Kevin composed himself again, slipping into the character of the village elder and giving us details about a bounty we were going after.

He seemed to navigate the role of DM with ease, only breaking character when one of us decided to ask a random NPC what their name was.

Watching him fumble over his words as he desperately searched for an appropriate name was too entertaining to be a one-time thing. He always landed on a distinctly non-fantasy-sounding name too.

So far we ran into a blacksmith called Mark, a barkeep named Steve, and my personal favorite - a goblin called Jimmy.

By the end of the night, it felt like we had all known each other for years. D&D was truly a magical game when played in correct company.

I felt a jolt of shock go through me at the realization that I now considered Andrei to be a part of that company. Not that I was planning on ever letting him know.

“Ok, I think we’ll stop here for today,” Kevin announced, scrunching up the last bag of chips in his hands.

“Same time next week?”

Xxx

The sort of awkwardness I felt when I locked eyes with Andrei the following Monday morning was the kind I always thought was strictly reserved for accidentally telling the person taking your pizza order ‘I love you’. Or calling your homeroom teacher ‘mom’.

I was jolted out of my thoughts when Jessica bumped into me on her way into the studio, eyes glued to her phone as usual.

“Sorry,” she said. “Didn’t have my morning coffee yet.”

I watched her make her way over to the coffee machine, using it as an excuse to avoid Andrei’s gaze.

All I could think about was that when he role plays he sounds like an exaggerated version of Batman.

That and the horrifying realization that I found it kind of adorable.

I hurriedly made my way to my desk, figuring that walking past him without acknowledging his existence wasn’t out of character for either of us.

It felt wrong this time, though.

“Good morning!” Mr Miller greeted me with his usual cheer as I hung my bag over my chair.

I never understood how he managed to be so full of energy first thing in the morning - I knew he had three toddlers at home.

“I thought we could go over the changes you made to the Catalyst screens when you’re done with them?”

“Of course,” I said, turning my computer on and falling into my chair.

I was never a morning person myself, and neither was Andrei, by the looks of things.

I watched him fumble with the lid of his takeout cup. A few drops of hot coffee accidentally hit his fingers, and he almost dropped it all over his pants. He cursed under his breath and then turned to look in my direction on instinct.

Usually that would be my cue to say something condescending. Then he would say something equally dickish back, and we’d both wait until the next opportunity came along.

It was our favorite pastime. I don’t know why. Stress relief maybe.

“Well?” he asked, looking torn between annoyance and confusion.

I didn’t know what to say for once.

“Well, what?” I asked, trying to buy myself time.

“Nothing mean to say?

I wrecked my brain for creative insults, but when none manifested themselves I decided to go another route.

“Why would I say anything mean? I’m a joy to be around. Jessica, back me up here”

“Yeah, sure. Stop being an asshole, Nikita. No wonder you’re still single.” Came her disinterested reply.

Nikita gasped indignantly from the other side of the studio, and Andrei gave me a suspicious look.

Xxx

By lunchtime I was done with the revisions that Andrei had asked me to make the previous week. I was not, however, looking forward to sharing them.

Programmers were bad at explaining things that they felt were obvious, and Andrei was no different. He once told me -

“That won’t work. It’s using an API and I have no access to the HTML. I would have to find a workaround, but even then it updates periodically and every time it does it takes it back to the previous version.”

The sentence that spawned that flawless explanation was “Maybe we can move the ‘select’ button to the bottom.”

I procrastinated for another minute, scraping a lone rice grain off the sides of my empty lunchbox, before calling Mr Miller and Andrei over.

Andrei grabbed an empty office chair and rolled himself next to me. Then he craned his neck to get a better look at my computer screen.

“Well, what do you say? Ready for development?” Mr Miller asked from my right, sounding hopeful. Almost desperate, actually.

A tense silence filled the air. I wasn’t the only one who was dying to move on, we had deadlines to keep to.

“No, this won’t do,”

I let out a sigh of frustration. Then I noticed Andrei's amused grin and his very clear attempt at stopping himself from laughing.

“Oh you absolute - one of these days I’m going to kill you!” I said, shoving at his chair with my foot.

“Roll for intimidation,” He said as his chair carried him to the other end of the room. “With disadvantage,” He added after a moment of looking me up and down.

Mr Miller gave me a confused look. I felt my cheeks heating up.

I did not want him knowing that we were hanging out after work. I also didn’t want to explain the D&D reference to him, I already looked like enough of a nerd.

“No clue,” I said when he hadn’t looked away.

“I’m not that old, you know. I might know what you guys were referencing if you gave me some clues,”

I couldn’t help finding that a bit ironic. D&D was older than both of us.

“Uh, forget it. It’s a stupid Tiktok thing.”

Xxx

Gavak awoke on a wheelbarrow with a throbbing headache. It felt like his brain had rolled around in his skull the entire night, knocked about by the bumps in the road.

He was surrounded by his new companions on every side. Nelle’s boots poked at his back, Daisy’s lute shoved uncomfortably into his stomach, and Sassa’s staff hovered suspiciously close to his head.

Or at least he would’ve found it suspicious if he was at all capable of complex thought.

Instead the only thing that was currently occupying his thick head was food - followed closely by bloody images of Kobolds falling at his feet.

Maybe he could switch the order and get his hands on some fried Kobold. He heard they tasted like chicken, though if he were being honest - and Gavak didn’t know how to be anything but honest - he wasn’t particularly picky.

He sat up, rubbing his eyes.

In front of him a gaunt, underfed horse was pulling them along a winding mountain path. The farmer they had chanced upon the night prior was sitting atop his back, close to dozing off.

Gavak nudged Daisy with his elbow.

The elf woke up with a panicked scream, a stream of indistinguishable words spewing out of her mouth. He could only make out a few.

‘Please, ‘help’ and ‘they’re killing me’. Also something about some guy called Kevin.

“Good morning,” Gavak said cheerfully.

He watched Daisy blink the sleep from her eyes. She was still holding her lute tightly to her chest when she returned his smile with a shaky one of her own.

“Morning, yes. Good morning, I mean. Very good indeed.”

She spoke the words as if someone was holding a dagger to her throat. It confused Gavak, so he ignored it and continued talking.

“Where are we?” He asked.

“Middle of nowhere, and about a day’s ride from Castlespot,” Nelle piped up from behind him. “And I disagree, it isn’t a very good morning. You nearly screamed my ear off just now. Bad enough that I had to sleep with your smelly feet in my face,”

She aimed the last sentence at Daisy, but one puppy-dog eyed look later and the fighter already looked nullified.

“Where’s Castlespot?” Gavak asked, absentmindedly rubbing his empty stomach.

“About a day’s ride ahead, I would imagine,” Came Sassa’s sarcastic answer.

The gnome was the last to rise.

Out of everyone in their little group, she was the one who intrigued him the most.

He just couldn’t figure out how she came out of the womb so short.

Once, he’d seen a lemon grow between twin branches that squeezed around its center, which led him to his current running theory-

Maybe her mother only slept on her stomach during the pregnancy?

Either way, he was determined not to bring it up. It was probably a touchy subject for her, and for gnomekind as a whole.

Honestly, if his theory was correct, it was baffling that not a single one of them had noticed the correlation.

“I think it’s time for breakfast. How soon to the nearest tavern?” He asked.

Sassa glared at him from beneath her pointy hat.

“The closest town,” she started, talking slowly “Is Castlespot.”

“Uh,” The half-orc started, feeling slightly embarrassed for his new companion. Maybe her defect didn’t only affect her height.

“I asked where the closest tavern is, not the closest town,”

When her face turned red from what must have been shame, Gavak figured he should end this line of questioning. He didn’t want to make her look bad in front of the rest of the party.

“Maybe we can hunt something instead.” He said.

He was glad he changed the subject. He noticed that her little hands were bunched into fists, poor thing.

The party exchanged stories of past adventures as they continued on their way, watching the road curve and twist around the mountain. ‘Like a belt around my belly after a good meal’ Gavak thought to himself.

He was pretty sure what he just did was known as a ‘Metalfloor’.

He didn’t really know why it was metal as opposed to wood or cobblestone, but that didn’t bother him much.

He was once told by his grandfather that the truly wise had more questions than they did answers.

“Gavak, look, a goat! Can you take it down? I’m also getting a bit peckish” Asked Daisy, drawing the barbarian’s attention away from his philosophical thoughts.

His sausage-like fingers wrapped around his javelin in a tight grip.

So far the road has been entirely bereft of wildlife. Even the bighorn sheep that were so common to the area hadn’t made an appearance, and no birds flew overhead.

To say Gavak was excited would be an understatement.

The goat in question - standing smack-dab in the middle of the path - looked very, very fat. He assumed the tasty-looking morsel got to be that size because it had no companions it was forced to share food with. He glanced bitterly over his shoulder.

“Of course I can,” He said with forced cheer.

After signaling the farmer to halt, Gavak walked a few steps forward and lowered himself down behind a bramble bush. The goat seemed blissfully unaware of the situation, which was good because that was usually the part he screwed up.

He raised his hand high and aimed the javelin.

‘One, two, three, FIVE!’  He counted in his head, then flung his weapon towards their awaiting future breakfast.

It connected with a satisfying thwack, and the goat fell down to the ground, facing away from him.

He turned to grin smugly at the bard.

“It’s as easy as that. At least if you know what you’re doing," he announced.

He pulled a carving knife from his pack and was nearly to his target when Sassa’s urgent voice reached his ear.

“Are none of you paying attention? There’s clearly something wrong with -”

The goat turned its head 360 degrees, its dead, beady eyes now fixed upon him.

The rest of the wizard’s sentence was drowned out by Gavak’s embarrassing shriek of surprise.

The creature’s mouth opened sideways, revealing rows of tiny, pointy teeth.

Luckily, he managed to jump back just as the thing closed its terrifying mouth around the spot where his head had just been.

“Careful! That thing looks hungrier than you Gavak,” Nelle slid into position at his side.

“Man, I wish I knew how to cast fireball, that thing needs to die in a fire,”

Xxx

“You arrive at Castlespot’s upper city as the sun sets, tired from your recent adventures. What do you want to do?”

Kevin reached his hand over his DM screen to grab a handful of popcorn from a bowl at the center or the table.

We were about three hours into this week's session, huddled around the small table again.

“Gavak feeds the horse some fried Kobold,” Andrei announced.

“The horse refuses to eat it.”

“Can I roll for animal handling?”

“Andrei, the horse is not going to eat your fried Kobold, he's a horse.”

Andrei looked disappointed, his lips drawn together in a pout.

“I think it’s time for a break guys, I need a smoke.” Kevin announced, standing up and rummaging for a lighter in his pocket.

“I’ll join you,” George said.

As soon as the two men left the room I threw a Cheeto in Andrei’s direction. “You’re a menace, you know that?”

Andrei didn’t look bothered. “I don’t see how Gavak was being anything but considerate. The horse was hungry - so I fed him,”

“Uh huh,” I said.

“I’m sure he would’ve needed a smoking break sooner or later,” he justified.

“I feel like I need a smoking break - and I have a hard time being on hotdog-flipping duty at a BBQ."

“You’re exaggerating.”

“You kicked down all the doors instead of letting us figure out the puzzle! I was this close too!”

Nataly stretched in her chair, gave me a knowing look, and stood up.

“I need to use the restroom,” She said.

I gave her a look that meant to convey “Bitch don’t leave me” but must’ve somehow conveyed “Thank you, you’re the best”, because she winked at me as she turned away.

Andrei crossed his arms.

“Why waste time when you have a party member who can settle things in seconds? If you wanted to go the puzzle route you should’ve solved it quicker,”

His lips twitched up into a smug smile.

“Aren’t you the one with high intelligence? I guess it’s one thing for your character to be smart,” he trailed off meaningfully.

I threw another Cheeto at him.

He looked at me with the same sort of expression that Nataly has when she beats me in Smash Brothers. It wasn’t nearly as cute on him. He didn’t stock the fridge with my favorite brand of ice cream to make up for his excessive gloating.

“Typical,” I said, trying to distill every ounce of sarcasm that my body was capable of producing into my voice.

“You’re not a team player at work - why would you be a team player here?”

I didn’t actually mean to hit any nerves, but he looked taken aback just the same.

“Do you really think I went too far?” He asked, eyebrows furrowed.

“It’s not like I was the only one being,” He paused, searching for the right word. “Chaotic.”

“When was I chaotic?”

He scoffed.

“You wasted half of your spell slots on Speak with Animals to talk to stray cats!”

“Yes but wasn’t it hilarious to watch Kevin try to come up with a different voice for every cat?” I countered.

Andrei looked like he was going to keep arguing for a moment, but his lips kept twitching up without his permission.

“Ok, yeah. That was funny.” He admitted.

“I think he needs a cup of tea more than a cigarette right now. He really abused his vocal cords, the fat one sounded like Louis Armstrong.”

“Oh my god yes, that’s who I was thinking of!” I exclaimed.

Then I found myself looking into his eyes longer than either of us were comfortable with.

He cleared his throat, but before he could say anything Kevin and George walked into the room.

“Ok, everybody ready to keep going?”