Reroll

Bambi is quiet for a while, and then whispers, “I've been dead.”

But… “So have I; the burning place is strange, but it's not…”

She interrupts, “If you can speak of it like that, it's not the same place. While I am dead, I am in the fire. Have you ever been burned?  Imagine getting burned, constantly, everywhere, and it never stops. When you're alive fire kills your nerves after a bit, or your brain shuts down and you go unconscious, or you get used to it and your brain starts ignoring the sensation… in any event, the pain is limited. There… it's not. I don't go crazy, but sometimes I want to.  The ‘Guardians’ threat to bury me scares me less than that place.  I would prefer being buried alive to staying in the flame forever.  What little time I spend dead is bad enough.”

“I'm sorry I asked,” I am sure I look horrified. That's how I've been feeling for a while now.

“Well…” Bambi pauses, “As I said: I don't seem capable of going properly insane… which, given what I've survived, may be a different kind of insanity. But… it's good to share, for once.”

Right, “Well… if you think of anything else… or just want to chat…” I write my information down on her consignment form, but don't sign it, then hand it to her, “Here… can't say I’ll be of much help, but I can be a listening ear most of the time.”

“Thanks… anyway…” Bambi is interrupted by the door opening, “Thank you for your business,” she switches seamlessly to paranoia mode, “I'll give you a call when your item sells.”

I can take a hint… “Thank you. I hope to hear back soon.  Take care.”

I walk out without further ado as Bambi starts talking to her next visitor.

Betty greets me as I exit, “How'd it go?”

“Yes,” Ed adds, “How does our bank account look now?”

I smile, "better than I expected on a few fronts… let's head to the bank to deposit the check…” I fill them in as we go, stopping whenever we're near someone, and couching my phrasing as though we're discussing a recent game session when I am speaking, mentioning that I had good die rolls, making comments about the DM, and such: It's not paranoia when you are being hunted, after all.

We pass a gas station on the way to the bank, and I stop, “Ah… I need to buy some feminine supplies….”

Ed nods knowingly, “Yeah… might help with our trail,” and licks his lips, “Speaking of…” he looks at Betty, “How about you join me in the alley for a bit….”

“Oh, I thought you'd…” I avoid the rest of Betty’s reply by letting the convenience mart’s door close behind me.  I mean, I know what they're going to do well enough, but I don't need to think about it too much.

The shop is small, but clean.  They have milk, soda, beer, snacks, windshield fluid, oil, brake fluid, steering fluid, transmission fluid… and no pads.  Tampons, yes, but no pads.  Well… I know the plumbing works, and I have my phone….

My face is burning as I pay the bored teenager who rings me up wordlessly. What? Sure, I look old enough that I have to have done this hundreds of times, but it's my first time, okay? I'm used to being a guy.

“Ah… bathroom?” I ask when I'm done.

He just hands me a key tied to a giant foam hand and points… ah, I see the door.

“Thanks…” I run off to the indicated door with my purchase.

The key fits, so I go inside… self locking door, handy… and open up the package.

Umm… how to…?

I grab my phone and look up the instructions online.  Okay, so… my gear down there is already bare because I didn't want to soak panties… wash hands… dry… get a foot up… unwrap… I check to make sure I'm holding it like the picture says… watch the angle… slide it in… oooh, that feels nice… this body is ridiculously responsive… press the plunger… pull out the applicator… mmm… and then just let the string hang there to pull it out by later.

And… TADA! The flow is blocked… for now. Yay. It'll fill up, of course… I might be able to empty it in place with the cleaning option of the Cantrips feat… I'll have to try that once it's full.

For now, though, a quick off and on of my Sleeves of Many Garments, and I'm properly dressed in jeans, a polo shirt, a leather jacket, and a fanny pack… which is where I store the rest of the tampons.

Yes, that works.  Despite being based on Disguise Self, an illusion, and having an aura of illusion (when it's not suppressed like I'm doing with all my gear and everyone else's) the Sleeves of Many Garments produce real changes to clothing until they're removed. The game doesn't always make sense, and as a result of the contract, neither does reality.

I do find a very pleasant problem as I leave the restroom: I can feel the tampon whenever I take a step, and my body reacts to that.  It's not much… I can probably deal… yes….

I return the key to the guy at the desk, a smile on my face, and he frowns slightly… oh, right; I changed my clothes… “Thank you,” I wave at him as I leave.  I don't feel the need to explain anything.

I walk back out… where did they go….

“Alley over there,” my ‘Al’ that has Perception tells me, “Ed just went off.”

It's weird… the Conjuration Companions that I never summon are using my senses, but can see and hear things I can't. How crazy is that?

I walk over and wait next to the alley entrance… okay, I can hear them now… Ed and Betty seem to be done… ah, now they're getting back up… and here they come.

“You two have a good time?” Yeah… I'm definitely feeling the stimulation. It's controllable, though. A nice buzz….

“Yes… you got your leak plugged, I see,” Ed clearly noticed my pants are NOT wet.

“Does that mean you won't be wanting to take as many stress breaks?” Betty is looking at Ed.

Heh.

“Hopefully we'll be able to get things done, yes, come on,” Wait… Ed's blushing? Huh.

We head to the bank and I deposit the check with a teller - ID doesn't mean much for a shapeshifter - without incident.

On the way home, our way is blocked by a bunch of idiots dressed in biker leathers… with no bikes.  Seriously, guys, those things are supposed to serve an actual purpose, not just look cool… although the spikes and stuff really are just there to…

“They're planning on mugging and raping you all,” my ‘Al’ with Sense Motive informs me.

“Most have knives, the one with the Mohawk is hiding a pistol in his pants, as is the guy with the blue bandanna” adds the Perception ‘Al’.

I switch to Shae, “Who's up for a fight? They plan to start something.”

“Odd for them to pick us,” Ed frowns as he replies in kind, “We're in a group, with dogs… oh. That's why.  Nevermind.”

Betty giggles and keeps to the same language, “Not used to being the belle of the ball yet, huh?  I'm good to go.”

I glance around, and an ‘Al’ tells me what I wanted to know, “No witnesses or cameras here.”

“We're clear if they don't or can't talk,” Ed beats me to it… I suppose he is running a Wisdom-based build.

“Just to have all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed, let's wait for them to actually make a move, eh?” Betty smiles, “Don't want to accidentally break an oath or anything.”

“Okay,” I ready myself to act, setting my pet on “Defend”, which will cause my riding dog Cuddles to attack anyone that attacks me, and I hear Betty and Ed do the same with their pets.  The gang outnumbers us three to one, even counting the animals.

Should be fine….

They surround us as we pass, of course… but we have enough bodies that we're not flanked in game terms.

It's over very quickly. They bunch up in a line, half ahead of us, half behind.  The two gunmen pop shots off, which hit me; as soon as we start to move… they hurt, but I don't know what tipped them off to fire. That’s actually not too much of an issue, so I blast with rocks, Ed's spell causes a large ice stalagmite to burst from the ground under one of our foes (the spell is called Ice Spears), and Betty let's loose with an Energy Burst (it basically triggers an explosion of energy around the manifestor in a range of forty feet… which hits almost all the bad guys, but also us and our pets).  

As the light fades from my eyes, all I can think is “I need to have a chat with Betty about friendly fire.”

The last thing I hear before the burning world fades in is Betty screaming in horror: “Oh Pelor, I killed Kenny!”