Resequencing DNA

Ashleigh watched nervously from the window as Elijah helped her mother into the unfamiliar car that had pulled up outside their home. With the light outside now beginning to fade, Ashleigh was unable to make out the driver, yet she could only assume that it was Wesley’s former colleague, Dr Cooper.

“I hope this works,” she muttered to herself as she nervously bit her lip, her eyes fixed on the stranger's car as it began to pull out of the gravelled driveway, disappearing out of sight. “I wonder how Elijah convinced Dr Cooper to help…What if something goes wrong? How is he to avoid getting into any trouble for doing this.”

However, Ashleigh had been so transfixed on the events unfolding outside of the window, that she hadn’t noticed Sofia, who was now silently standing behind her.

“Mummy,” uttered Sofia, snapping Ashleigh from her reverie with a jolt.

Ashleigh turned sharply, her heart racing, to see Sofia gazing up at her with wide, innocent eyes.

“Is Grandma okay?” asked Sofia, her voice laced with concern.

“Y…yes sweetie, Grandma is fine,” replied Ashleigh, forcing a smile that felt like a mask. The truth was heavy in her chest; she wasn’t sure if she believed her own reassurances. “Grandma was a little poorly, but Elijah is taking her to get the help she needs.”

“Grandma’s poorly?” Sofia echoed, not yet comprehending the weight of her words.

“Yes, sweetheart,” Ashleigh affirmed, casting one last anxious glance out the window before gently taking her daughter’s small hand. “But hopefully not for much longer,” she added as the pair made their way to the sofa by the crackling fireplace.

As they settled in, Sofia nestled under Ashleigh’s arm, her small form curling into her mother’s warmth like a delicate flower seeking sunlight. The world outside faded into an indistinct blur, the evening’s shadows stretching and elongating in the soft, flickering glow of the living room. The comforting crackle of the fire provided a soothing backdrop, contrasting with the tumultuous thoughts racing through Ashleigh's mind.

Together, they sat in silence, gazing into the embers of the fire, each flickering spark reflecting their quiet hopes and fears in a dance of light and shadow. The warmth enveloped them, a fragile cocoon against the uncertainty that hovered beyond the walls of their home. As they sat in silence, Ashleigh felt her daughter’s soft hand touch her stomach.

“Mommy…” uttered Sofia softly, her voice carrying a note of curiosity that danced through the air.

“Yes, sweetheart?” Ashleigh responded, looking down at her daughter with a blend of affection and apprehension.

“Will the babies be here soon?” asked Sofia.

A wave of tenderness washed over Ashleigh as she looked down at her daughter.

“Yes, sweetheart, but not yet. They need time to grow so that they’re big enough.” She replied,  holding up her hands to show the approximate size. “Right now, they’re only this big,” she explained, thinking of Dr. Reid’s words and the image of strawberries, small and fragile.

“Oh…that’s tinyyyyy,” replied Sofia with a giggle, her eyes wide with imagination.

“Exactly, they aren’t ready yet,” said Ashleigh with a smile, “they need to get a bit bigger.”

Sofia fell silent once more, but Ashleigh could tell that more questions were coming her way.

“Mommy,” Sofia piped up again, “What are the babies called?”

Ashleigh’s smile faltered. She hadn’t even thought of names yet. Everything had shifted in her life—her identity, her family, and now this unexpected pregnancy—but names felt too permanent, like chains binding her to another reality.

“I… I don’t know yet,” she replied gently, feeling the weight of uncertainty as it settled around them like a cloud.

“Will one be a boy?” Sofia pressed, curiosity lighting her features.

“I…we don’t know yet,” Ashleigh answered with a tremor in her voice, “What do you hope for?”

Sofia giggled again, bouncing in her seat. “I hope I have a brother and a sister,” she replied excitedly. “I can’t wait to meet them!”

Ashleigh once more felt a surge of anxiety growing within her, how was she to be a good mother to two more children, when the prospect of even naming them filled her with dread. With Sofia, she didn’t even get the option, but now, with that choice resting on her, it felt like a lead weight on her shoulders when added to everything else.

“Mommy!” Sofia’s voice broke through her spiralling thoughts as the wave of questions continued. “When the babies come, can I help take care of them?”

Ashleigh once more forced a smile,

“Of course, my love. You’ll be the best big sister ever,” she answered, straining under the weight of the constant bombardment.

Just as Sofia was about to continue, Mrs Henry entered the room and approached where they were sitting, much to Ashleigh’s relief.

“Is everything okay Mrs Henry?” asked Ashleigh as she went to get up from her seat.

“Yes, yes everything is fine,” replied Mrs Henry, gesturing for Ashleigh to remain seated. “I just came to let you know, our guests will be here within the next hour,” she explained, “Is there anything I can get you?”

“I’m alright, thank you,” she replied, offering a smile that drowned in uncertainty.

Mrs. Henry surveyed her with kind eyes, her expression shifting from concern to warmth.

“Oh, Miss Ashleigh, you look exhausted,” she said softly. The concern in her voice was palpable.

“I guess I do feel a little tired,” Ashleigh admitted with a faint smile. However, she was feeling more mentally drained, rather than physically.

“Bless you, my dear, perhaps a little tea would help?” Mrs Henry suggested kindly, her eyes twinkling with warmth. Ashleigh felt a sense of appreciation wash over her. Just the thought of a simple cup of tea seemed like a small sanctuary amidst the chaos her life had become.

Ashleigh nodded gratefully, welcoming the idea of a moment to ground herself away from the whirlwind of questions and thoughts that threatened to overwhelm her. Mrs Henry then turned her attention to Sofia,

“Sofia, how about we give your Mummy a moment to herself,” she said softly, “I could really use a hand finishing up before our guests arrive…what do you think? Is that something you could help me with?”

Sofia’s curiosity turned to excitement at the prospect of helping, her earlier line of questioning temporarily forgotten. With the promise of being a big helper, she sprung from her seat with renewed energy and dashed to the living room door, ready to assist Mrs Henry in the preparations, her imagination already ignited by the possibilities of what she could do.

“Thank you, Mrs Henry,” Ashleigh said, her words infused with genuine relief. Watching Sofia bound off, she felt a moment of calm wash over her. The whirlwind of questions had momentarily subsided, granting her a few precious minutes to collect her thoughts.

“No problem at all, my dear,” replied the sweet older lady with a comforting smile. “You aren’t alone in all of this, and nor should you be,” she continued. “All you have to do is say the word.”

Ashleigh took a deep breath, reminding herself of the support surrounding her.

“I know, and for that, I truly thank you. Honestly, you’re too kind,” Ashleigh responded, her voice filled with gratitude. Knowing that she had someone like Mrs Henry in her corner gave her a sense of solace, a shred of reassurance that even amidst the storm.

“Nonsense, my dear,” responded Mrs Henry, a soft chuckle escaping her lips. “I know you and Mr Elijah are my employers, but I also like to see you both as friends.”

Her words wrapped around Ashleigh like a warm blanket, and the sincerity behind them made Ashleigh smile.

Ashleigh looked towards the door, where Sofia was patiently waiting for Mrs Henry,

“She’s just so excited to be a big sister,” stated Ashleigh, “But her questions are just relentless and a little…”

“Tiring I imagine,” said Mrs Henry with a chuckle.

“Overwhelming,” replied Ashleigh with a soft sigh, resting a hand on her round belly, as if to cradle the life she carried within. It was a feeling both exhilarating and daunting, somehow more complicated than she ever thought possible.

“Oh, she is indeed excited, as one can imagine she would be,” said Mrs Henry with a smile. “She’s talked about them nonstop to me also. But being a big sister is a big deal,” Mrs Henry continued, tapping Ashleigh gently on the arm. “Sofia will come into her own, just wait and see. It might just be her heart’s greatest adventure.”

“I hope so,” stated Ashleigh as she looked on fondly, “I just hope I’m good at all this,” she added with a sigh.

Mrs Henry placed her hand, softly on Ashleigh’s shoulder,

“I am sure you’ll be fine,” she said warmly.

Just then the pair were interrupted,

“Come onnnnn, people we need to hurry,” Sofia cried from one end of the room, sounding rather impatient that she’d be left waiting.

“Oh, I had best hurry along; someone’s getting a little impatient,” Mrs Henry laughed, her amusement evident as she glanced toward Sofia, who was now gesturing animatedly for her to come over. “I’ll be right back with that cup of tea for you, my dear,” she promised, her voice softening as she made her way toward the impatient child.

Ashleigh sat back in her chair, quietly observing the interaction between her daughter and Mrs Henry before the pair left the room quietly.

Once alone, Ashleigh returned her gaze to the fire, watching as the flames silently danced before her. She picked up her mobile phone, anxiously checking for any word from Elijah, yet there was none. After putting her phone down beside her, Her thoughts turned back to the twins nestled inside her, as she gently rested her hand on her stomach.

“I promise…I will always do right by you,” she whispered softly, barely audible even to herself. The words felt like a vow, a sacred promise made to the little ones who had yet to fully manifest in this world, yet already consumed her thoughts and dreams.

As she sat in the stillness of her surroundings, the crackling of the fire serving as her only companion, Ashleigh found herself lost in a cascade of memories and reflections. One thought led to another, each more poignant than the last. She recalled the myriad of questions Sofia had bombarded her with regarding her pregnancy, a mix of excitement and curiosity that mirrored her own emotions. Was she carrying twin boys, could they be girls, or perhaps one of each? The possibilities swirled in her mind, each scenario sparking a new dream.

But with those possibilities came another realisation— As Sofia had mentioned, she had yet to pick names for either gender, a task that suddenly felt monumental. In the quiet moments that followed, Ashleigh pondered over her options, a world of names flitting through her mind.

Just then, her contemplation was interrupted as Mrs. Henry returned, bringing with her the promised cup of tea.

“Here you go, dear,” Mrs Henry said with a warm smile, setting the cup down in front of Ashleigh.

Ashleigh smiled gratefully, allowing a soft sigh of relief to escape her lips,

“Thank you, Mrs Henry,” she replied softly.

“It’s the very least I can do, my dear,” said Mrs Henry her eyes twinkling with genuine affection.

Before taking her leave, Mrs Henry paused and turned back to Ashleigh, her expression tinged with concern.

“Is something bothering you, sweetheart?” she asked, her brow slightly furrowed with empathy, aware that the silence of the room often concealed deeper feelings. Mrs Henry had developed quite the talent for noticing when something weighed on Ashleigh's mind, and a gentle conversation could often help lift the burden.

“I…I don’t know, really,” replied Ashleigh, slightly stumbling over her words. “Just…just something Sofia asked me earlier…she asked what I was going to name the twins,” she explained.

Mrs Henry smiled once more,

“Oh bless your heart,” she said softly, “There’s plenty of time to think about that, Miss Ashleigh, no point in letting it stress you. That is something you and Mr Elijah need to discuss in due time. But just know this, in my opinion, every child comes with their own kind of magic, at one point you don’t know what to name them, but at some point, it will just click, mark my words,” she explained before making her way out of the room.

Once more silence enveloped the room, leaving Ashleigh alone with her thoughts. She picked up the cup of tea, Mrs Henry had brought her, wrapping her hands around the warm porcelain, relishing the heat that seeped into her fingers, and took a moment to breathe deeply, allowing the soothing aroma of tea to wash over her like a comforting tide. Maybe…maybe Mrs Henry was right, it was still too early to be thinking about names, yet she still couldn’t help herself. It was like Mrs Henry had brought a slight clarity to her mind and names began to dance like fireflies in her thoughts: Michael, Emma, George, Lara, she pondered. Each name she conjured held its own weight. Would Michael be a shy, introverted child, cloaked in quietude yet harbouring a depth of emotion? Or would Lara burst forth as a confident, outspoken leader, unafraid to take on the world? What would these names mean to her children, growing up in a world infused with the complex tapestry of their mother’s past? The questions buzzed around her like bees in a field of wildflowers, each one laden with implications and dreams yet unrealized, each guess feeling like a puzzle with missing pieces, awaiting the final touch to bring it into clarity.

Ashleigh sat quietly, sipping her tea and gazing into the fire as she contemplated the array of names that went through her mind. What felt like mere minutes, however, turned into hours and she was quickly snapped out of her thoughts as guests started to arrive, the first of which being Vivian and Alistair, whom Mrs Henry directed into the living room.

“Ashleigh, my dear,” exclaimed Vivian, her voice vibrant and full of warmth as she stepped into the room, making her way across the wooden floor of the living room, toward Ashleigh. Alistair, with his easy smile and relaxed demeanour, followed closely behind, his presence a steady anchor amidst Vivian’s lively energy.

“Hi Vivian, how lovely to see you,” replied Ashleigh with a smile as she went to get up to greet her guests.

“Oh, no, no, no, you stay right there, no need to get up,” Vivian instructed gently, an understanding in her eyes that made Ashleigh suddenly self-conscious about her condition.

“Oh…okay,” replied Ashleigh as she nodded slowly, settling back into the plush sofa, still not quite used to being treated with such care.

Vivian leaned in and gave Ashleigh a hug, followed by a kiss on the cheek before sitting down beside her.

“Ashleigh,” stated Alistair, as he too greeted her before taking a seat.

“Lovely to see you, Alistair, you’re looking well,” replied Ashleigh with a smile.

“Erm…thank you,” replied Alistair with an awkward smile as he sat in the armchair.

“Oh Ashleigh, you’re positively glowing my darling,” stated Vivian as she took Ashleigh’s hands in hers, a look of genuine admiration etched across her face.

“Thank you,” replied Ashleigh, feeling her cheeks become slightly flushed.

Just then there was a bang as the door to the living room burst open,

“UNCLE ALSTAR,” shrieked Sofia, her voice a joyful explosion of energy as she darted into the room like a whirlwind, her red hair bouncing energetically with her every step, as she bounded towards Alistair.

“Oh here comes trouble,” joked Alistair before letting out a huge groan as the energetic child leapt onto him like a playful rabbit, wrapping her small arms around his neck in a fierce embrace.

“Sofia, be careful!” exclaimed Ashleigh, her concern evident in her voice as she watched her daughter’s exuberance with a mixture of amusement and a hint of worry. It was hard not to be anxious when her little one was so boisterous, especially in such close proximity to Alistair.

“Oh, she’s fine. Aren’t you, kiddo?” groaned Alistair in response before letting out a chuckle, effortlessly adjusting to the little whirlwind that had suddenly overtaken him.

“Uncle Alstar, can we go and play?” begged Sofia, her wide, puppy-dog eyes gleaming with excitement and anticipation as she clung to Alistair like a small koala. The innocence and sheer exuberance of youth radiated from her, filling the room with an infectious energy that put a smile on everyone’s face.

“Sofia, they’ve just got here,” said Ashleigh sternly, contorting between a hint of worry and a smile, which only intensified Sofia's determination.

“Please, Mommy!” Sofia pleaded, the desperation in her voice hard to deny.

Ashleigh glanced at Vivian, who was watching the exchange with a knowing grin.

“Come on, you little scamp, show me what you have been up to,” said Alistair with a chuckle as he pulled himself up to his feet as if the weight of all grown-up worries melted away when faced with the innocence of his niece.

 “YAAAAYYYY!” Sofia exclaimed exuberantly, bouncing to his side and taking him by the hand, practically dragging him toward the door, her heart overflowing with excitement.

“Alistair…” began Ashleigh, only to be cut off by Vivian,

“leave them be,” laughed Vivian, “The old fool never learns, I thought you’d have figured that out by now,” she added, shaking her head.

“Just be careful,” said Ashleigh as the pair made their way towards the door, leading out into the hall.

“Oh, she’ll be fine,” replied Alistair, waving his hand dismissively.

“I meant both of you,” added Ashleigh as the door closed behind them.

“So Ashleigh, how have you been?” asked Vivian, her voice light and curious, eager to catch up and share a moment of warmth amid the playful distraction that had just filled the room. 

“Tired, constantly tired,” replied Ashleigh without a moment of hesitation.

“Oh, bless you my darling,” stated Vivian, “I hope Elijah has been taking good care of you. Speaking of, how are things between the two of you?”

Ashleigh explained how things had been rather frosty between the pair for the past few weeks and how she had still struggled to forgive him and the part he played in Wesley becoming Sofia, her daughter. The turmoil she felt was palpable, and as she spoke, Vivian listened intently, nodding in understanding.

Ashleigh then went on to explain how as somewhat of an icebreaker, she had invited Elijah to accompany her to her doctor's appointment and how she was convinced to do so by both Mrs Henry and her Mother, seeing as though Elijah was to be a father after all.

Vivian nodded thoughtfully, considering the weight that such an invitation carried. It seemed to be a step—albeit a tentative one—toward reconciliation, a necessary gesture to perhaps start mending the rift that had formed between them. The tension was still thick, but maybe, just maybe, there was a flicker of hope amidst the turbulence.

“And how did it go?” asked Vivian, her eyes widening with anticipation, hanging on every word as if waiting for a revelation.

“I…I do still love him, Vivian,” replied Ashleigh, “I love him with all my heart. And hopefully one day, I can learn to put it all behind me,” she added softly. Her words were a soft prayer, a wish cast into the air, her eyes once again fixed on the fire. The flickering flames danced and crackled, mirroring the complex feelings that swirled within her.

“I meant the appointment, my dear, but okay,” replied Vivian with a soft chuckle. “Are Mother and Baby doing well?”

 “Oh…Yes,” Ashleigh said, a smile breaking through her veneer of worry, the tension easing just a little. “We’re both doing well.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” said Vivian, “I must admit,” she said lowering her voice to just above a whisper, “I was slightly worried…you know…given your past…biology.”

Vivian’s words caught Ashleigh off guard as she stared into the flickering flames, feeling the weight of the past settle around her like a heavy blanket.                                                                                              

“Past biology…” murmured Ashleigh, Memories of Aaron, the man she had once been—caught in a tempest of confusion and fear—flooded back. The echo of that life felt heavy, like a blanket she couldn’t shake off, even as she embraced this new existence as Ashleigh. Here she was, a woman nurturing her five-year-old daughter, Sofia, while not just one new life but two, grew within her.

“Yes, my dear,” Vivian said softly, “I just meant... we all carry our histories with us, don’t we? And I was just unsure whether someone who never used to be…equipped, for this type of thing, may run into any unforeseen problems.”

“Oh...you mean the woman who is perfectly fine and fit to give your miscreant offspring a fresh start in life!” Ashleigh snapped, the fire's glow replaced by the intensity in her voice, “...without the child having any prior knowledge of its past existence…I ask you this…does your own husband know the truth?” The warmth of her peaceful living room was immediately chilled by her indignation.

“Ashleigh, I didn’t…” began Vivian.

“Oh but no, she may have problems creating her own fucking children, given her past life,” Ashleigh continued, “And I tell you what we’ll do, how about we keep giving her constant reminders about someone that she isn’t anymore, how about that? Let’s just keep digging up the graves of who I used to be, shall we?”

The tension in the grand living room crackled like the flames in the fireplace, casting elongated shadows against the elegant decor. Ashleigh's cheeks flushed, a mixture of anger and an aching vulnerability boiling beneath the surface.

Vivian, taken aback, raised her hands defensively. “I’m sorry, Ashleigh. I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just...”

Ashleigh turned her gaze back to the fire, its flickering flames reminiscent of her internal struggle. “Just what? Make me feel like I’m an alien? A mistake? I didn’t choose this path, Vivian. This is who I am now.” As her voice softened, a hint of anguish lingered there. “I love Elijah. I love Sofia. I’m excited about the twins... but I can’t help but feel the weight of my past like some sort of spectre haunting me.”

The room fell silent, the only sounds were that of the fire crackling in the fireplace and Ashleigh who was now breathing rather heavily in her fit of rage.

“IF you don’t want me as part of this family, Vivian, if I am not WOMAN enough for your nephew, just say the word and I will be out of here, children and all,” snarled Ashleigh, “If that’s not the case…stop bringing up my fucking past, like I’m some kind of fucking freakshow.”

Vivian sat there, dumbfounded, her mouth hung open, the words Ashleigh hurled at her hanging heavy in the air like smoke from the fire. The grand living room, decorated with plush couches and rich tapestries, felt suffocatingly oppressive, the walls echoing Ashleigh’s angry declarations as if amplifying the turmoil inside her.

“T…Twins?” Vivian stammered, breaking the thick tension suffocating the air as her expression shifted from shock to bewilderment. “You…you’re having twins?”

The admission hung in the atmosphere like a delicate thread, the words fragile compared to the storm that raged within Ashleigh. Her heartbeat quickened at the realization that she had let the news slip prematurely, a bittersweet truth crashing against the storm of misunderstanding that encircled her.

Ashleigh forced a smile, though it felt foreign.

“Yes,” she said, the weight lifting slightly as the truth hung in the air. “Yes, I’m having twins.”

“Oh…Ashleigh darling, that is incredible news,” stated Vivian, her shock slowly transforming into a gleam of excitement.

“But Vivian, please, I must ask you to keep this news quiet for now,” insisted Ashleigh, her tone firm but layered with an urgency that came from a tumultuous heart. “The very reason we have invited you all here is to make that very announcement.”

Ashleigh watched as Vivian struggled to regain her composure, the initial bewilderment making way for a smile that felt genuine. It was a brief moment of triumph as the sound of happiness began to replace her prior fury. Yet, the shadows of her past lingered, festering in the corners of her mind.

“I won’t say a word and I shall act just as surprised when you make the announcement, don’t you worry,” said Vivian.

“Thank you,” Ashleigh replied, “not even Elijah must know I’ve let slip.”

“Twins,” Vivian murmured, as if trying to reclaim the words, “How wonderful! Think of the joy they’ll bring!” She reached over, squeezing Ashleigh's hand with warmth, an unspoken plea for understanding.

Ashleigh once more forced a smile, yet within her remained the anger she had towards Vivian’s words. Is that truly how she felt? Was Ashleigh some kind of freak show where Vivian was concerned? If not, why continually bring up her past? However, to explode like she had done was also not like Ashleigh, she would usually let things play over in her mind whilst putting on a brave face. Even as Aaron, she was never quick to anger, so why now? Was this due to pregnancy hormones? That was all Ashleigh could put it down to, knowing she had been feeling rather emotional lately.

“Ashleigh, my dear, I do have to apologise for what I said before,” said Vivian, “I honestly did not mean to offend you. And as for this family, you are more than welcome, we all love you and could not ask for anyone better for our darling Elijah. You’ve embraced your new life with such grace and if Elijah is happy,  which it is evident that he is, then we are all more than happy.”

Ashleigh's heart wavered at the kindness in Vivian’s voice, yet the shadows danced mockingly in her mind, as though they had ears to hear her doubts.

“Thank you, Vivian,” she managed to say, feeling the warmth of the woman’s hand seep into her. Still, the conflicting emotions swirled inside her—joy for the impending arrivals, resentment for the weight of her past, and the gnawing anxiety of being a mother.

“Speaking of my dearest nephew, where is he?” asked Vivian.

“He’s…he’s out with my mom. She’s finally agreed to get treatment,” Ashleigh replied slowly, the mention of Grace’s battle with cancer tugging at her heartstrings.

Vivian looked at Ashleigh, her expression told of both relief and bewilderment.

“Oh thank goodness, she’s seen sense,” she exclaimed, “But treatment…at this hour? Where in heavens offers appointments at this time?”

Ashleigh quickly checked her phone, but still no word from Elijah. Taking a deep breath she looked Vivian in the eyes, before proceeding to explain how Elijah had reached out to a former colleague of Wesley and how they intended on using the machine that had transformed both her and Sofia.

“Oh my,” exclaimed Vivian, “And the doctor performing this…procedure…Elijah convinced him…how, exactly?”

“That’s the worrying part…I don‘t know,” Ashleigh admitted, a shiver running down her spine. “But he can get into a lot of trouble by doing this because the machine is no longer allowed to be used, it’s apparently getting shut down, by government orders, due to ethical issues…I just hope… I hope it works.”

Vivian looked at Ashleigh, her eyes filled with empathy,

“Me too, darling,” she stated, squeezing Ashleigh’s hand once more, “I do like your mother, she’s like a breath of fresh air.”

Just then, Ashleigh heard the unmistakable sound of a car pulling up outside on the gravel, her heart leaping into her throat.

Ashleigh sprung up from her seat and rushed to the window and yet, her heart quickly sank as she realised it was not Elijah and her mother, instead it was the arrival of Pippa and Edward.

Ashleigh sighed, leaning heavily against the window as disappointment settled on her shoulders. With her heart still racing, she turned back to Vivian, who offered her a reassuring smile.

“What’s taking so long?” she asked, placing her hand protectively on her belly, What…what if something bad happened? What if they’ve been caught or it didn’t work?”

“I’m sure everything is just fine,” said Vivian her voice calm as she tried to soothe Ashleigh’s spiralling thoughts. But with each passing second, the worry settled deeper in Ashleigh's heart, the shadows of doubt creeping ever closer, refusing to let go.