Rifles and Rapiers: An expansion of America Stranded

Me and Aris were walking down the hall. We had been searching for the pipe room for so long that I had needed another translator ring. Aris hadn’t even complained when she passed me it, which showed just how bored we both were. I didn’t even have any of my cool toys to play with, seeing as I had stashed all my gear along with my discarded uniform in a closet somewhere.

After I had ‘commandeered’ that green bean’s belongings, we had begun our search. However, the question of how a bitch with cat ears would blend in amongst all these humans arose, and I suggested to Aris that she find her own uniform. She reacted poorly, but after some convincing that may or may not have involved threatening to blow up the catalyst, she relented. We had then proceeded to locate a wardrobe with a uniform that was… about her size.

“Why is this damn thing so tight?” She whined, tugging at her collar uncomfortably. Looking over, I noticed that it was very… uh… tight.

“It was the only one that wasn’t baggy.” I paused. “Bitch.”

“Whatever. How long have we been looking for this pipe management room?” She brushed off my insult and absentmindedly traced a line on the wall as we walked.

I checked my watch, which was amazingly still intact. “About uh, 30 minutes.”

“Are we even sure that the green boy told us the truth?” She said with a skeptical tone.

“I’m sure. After all, I threatened to make his beloved piece of bread go on an extra long vacation in my stomach if he lied!” I waved the bland hunk of bread that I had confiscated from the fresh meat. 30 minutes ago.

Aris stared at me blankly, opened her mouth, then closed it. “Whatever.”

We abruptly came to a dead end. It was a nice change of pace, especially considering that the signs stopped here and wait was that the door?

“Woohoo!” I made a gleeful, childish noise, and rushed to peek through the crack. I looked inside, and there was nothing there except an armored door with a slot at eye level.

“What do you see?” Aris shoved me aside and took a look for herself. She pulled away and swung it open before storming inside.

“Hey! I’m fragile!” I rushed after her.

The room was dimly lit. The weird lights that weren’t electrical but instead appeared to be fueled by, you guessed it, MAGIC, that had illuminated the hallway had been swapped out with normal torches that cast dancing shadows on the wall. The room itself was about 20 feet all around, which meant that my good friend Jamal, who was also the second tallest person I knew back at base was just a little too tall to lay down flat in this room.

Being an upstanding citizen with manners, I waltzed up to the door and gave it a good rap. Then another. Then another rap. Then, I remembered that reciting rap songs weren’t the polite way to let the person on the other side of the door know that you’re here, and I instead knocked.

The slot jerked open, and a pair of bloodshot and watery eyes appeared.

“No entry!” It hissed.

“Hey now,” I began. “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s-”

“No entry!” it hissed furiously again, then the slot slammed shut.

“Damn.” I took a step back from the door. “Looks like I’m gonna have to call the IRS.”

“I don’t know what that is.” Aris said. “Plus, he probably just didn’t like you.” She knocked on the door. “Hey, open up.”

The slot opened again, and Aris started speaking. “Listen, we are here on special instruction from-”

“No entry!” It hissed, then closed again. Aris wordlessly stepped back with a blank expression.

“Oh boy, looks like nothing short of a miracle will get us in.” I threw up my hands in exasperation. “And we all know-”

Suddenly, the door that we used to get inside of this room BANGED open, and guess who was standing there in the threshold, the glow of the hallway behind him illuminating him like Jesus reborn?

Fucking. Ryan.

“WHAT!?” Me and Aris both cried out. Ryan chuckled, and stepped inside. On his chest, countless medals gleamed like they were brand new, and his shoulders were adorned with numerous colors and symbols that signified his high rank. A trio of men carrying trumpets came out of nowhere behind him and sounded out loud, clear notes in a crescendo. Another one, carrying a scroll this time, walked out in front of Ryan, and spoke.

“Announcing, His Grand Admiralness, Defender of Democracy, Shield of the Southwest, The Man Who Stood Alone, Third Grand Admiral Ryan Excelsior Gartholomew The First!”

The trumpets sounded out again, a single, continuous triumphant note this time. I really had to praise them, they were damn good at being buncha bootlickers.

“Alright guys, that’s enough. Get the fuck out of here.” Ryan waved his small entourage off, and they scurried away. Ryan turned towards me and Aris, and he gave us a moment to pick our jaws up off of the floor before he began to speak in a loud, commanding voice.

“Hello, citizens. It is I, Ryan Gartholomew, AKA His Grand Admiralness. Blah blah blah, I’m better than you, uh, what’s poppin’ fellas?” Ryan grinned a smile so wide I shuddered in discomfort.

“How the fuck did you convince THESE idiots that you’re an admiral?” Aris demanded.

Ryan harrumphed. “What makes you think I’m not an admiral, hmm?” He straightened his collar, which also had what I suspected to be real gold plating on it.

“Alright, listen.” I stepped between the two. “No time for this… tomfoolery. Ryan, do you think you can convince that guy on the other side of the door to open up? He’s being difficult.”

Ryan grinned. “Just like Algiers, huh?” He stepped past me and cracked his knuckles. “Alrighty, let Papa Ryan handle this one.”

Aris looked at me. “What’s Algiers?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Never even been there.”

Ryan knocked on the armored door, and the slot opened again. The eyes narrowed upon sight of Ryan’s uniform.

“Hello, citizen! It is I, Ryan Gartholomew-” Ryan began to make his speech again, but was cut off. Again.

“No entry!” The voice hissed again, and the slot closed with an unforgiving clang.

Ryan stared blankly at the slot for a second, then turned back towards me and Aris and shrugged. “Sorry guys, looks like you’re gonna have to call the IRS.”

“What’s the IRS?” Aris asked.

“I Really don’t give a Shit.” I answered, and lowered my voice. “Alright listen. We can’t just give up. We’re better than that, right team?”

Ryan scratched his head, and Aris crossed her arms.

I nodded. “Right. So, we gotta make a plan.” I looked around the room for something, maybe an alternate way into the room beyond the immovable object that was the armored door. My eyes caught on the flickering torches. Torches had fire. Fire generated smoke. But, if they generated smoke, then why wasn’t this room filled with it? That meant there had to be a…

Vent. Right in the middle of the ceiling. That was our way in. I turned back towards Aris and Ryan, who were in the middle of an argument determining whether pineapples should be on pizza.

“I don’t even know what pineapples are!” Aris cried in exasperation

“Oh really? So you’re one of those pineapple eaters, huh? Well, your kind ain’t WELCOME round’ these parts, fella. So, how about you skedaddle back to your home country of, uh, Mexico or somethin’ fore’ I call ICE on ya?” Ryan retorted with a Texan accent.

“Hey, listen up. I’ve got a plan, Ryan, Aris.” I grabbed both of them by the shoulders and turned them to face me.

“Dutch, you’ve always got a plan.”

“We just need more money- wait, I mean, all we have to do is go through a vent!” I pointed up at the vent in the ceiling.

“No.” Aris shook her head. Ryan and I looked at her in surprise. She then clarified a second later.

“I mean, neither of you will fit through that. Me though? I’m small enough.”

Ryan chuckled. “I don’t know if that’s that much of a flex.”

I clapped my hands together. “Great, so the plan is simple. Aris will get in the vent, and we distract the doorkeeper. Easy as pie.”

Aris raised her eyebrows. “How is pie easy to make?”

I gave her a shooing motion. “Away with you! The real men have a job to do.” I turned away from her, and I heard a small scoff and some mutterings (as usual), but then I heard the vent swing open, and when I turned back, she was gone. I wasn’t even exactly sure how she had reached the ceiling. She got them hops I guess.

Ryan stepped up to the armored door again and knocked. When the slot opened, this time Ryan wouldn’t let it close. He reached out, lightning fast, and grabbed the edge of the plate of metal. The voice started screeching various obscenities and how he would notify Ryan’s superiors, to which Ryan started talking about how he would notify the voice’s superiors, and their rank-measuring contest began.

As I looked through the slot behind Ryan, I saw Aris silently drop down from the ceiling and slowly creep up to the door. Then, when she was right behind Mr. Watery Eyes, there was a flash of metal, and the pair of eyes widened and fell away, gurgling. A moment later, the armored door opened, and we saw Aris standing over the diminutive, hunchbacked form of the doorkeeper.

“Great job! Now, time to finally do what we came here for.” I clapped my hands together, then stepped over the body on the floor. Aris rolled her eyes. Fucking bitch.

I scanned the room for some sort of large pipe with an entry hatch or something, and I found one! Minus the entry hatch though. Well, that would have to do. I would have to make a hole in it to do anything, so I withdrew my pistol from within my shirt and lit up the pipe. Unfortunately, it ricocheted off of the copper pipe.

“Shit!” I reacted quickly and crouched, and Ryan and Aris followed me lead, but it was over before I knew it. I looked around and spotted the crumpled bullet lying 3 feet away from a desk, which was… filled with tools. Hammers, some weird glass stuff, and an oversized version of those things that you use to pick up food without using your hands. Tongs, I think they were called.

Aris followed my gaze and picked up a hammer and chisel. “Now, instead of almost killing us both, we can be smart about it!”

“No, no, no!” Ryan stepped forward, grinning. “Who said anything about being smart? I say fuck that! Let’s LIGHT this candle!” He pulled out a… bundle of plastic explosives!? I blanched while Aris looked confused.

“Uh, what is that?” She pointed at the C4.

“A whole lotta trouble, that’s what!” I jumped in front of Ryan and snatched the explosives. “Where did you even get this, Ryan?” I hastily shoved it inside of my shirt, where even though it didn’t fit very well, it was safe from Ryan’s childlike curiosity. He looked thoroughly disappointed, but went along with it.

“So, Aris, crack open the pipe. Me and Ryan will keep watch outside while you do you.” I tugged on Ryan’s arm, jolting him out of… whatever trance he was in.

“Right. You got it boss!” Ryan made a mock salute and spoke with a heavy New Yawk accent, and trooped out of the room. I followed.

We took up positions on either side of the door. It was a moment before either of us spoke.

“Mind explaining how and why you got that uniform?” I waved a hand at Ryan’s clothing, the light of the hallway glinting on the rows of medals.

“Lil’ bit of a long story, really. It all started when…”