Rifles and Rapiers: An expansion of America Stranded

Aris made her merry-fucking way down the motherfucking side of the barely visible stupid fucking trail in this fucking forest.

FUCK! Aris thought to herself.

Why couldn’t she get the normal jobs? Why did Makian always have to send her on the missions farthest away from her nice, cozy home? And why here of all places? She fucking hated this place! FUCK!

She took a couple deep breaths. Maybe she was overreacting. She put herself in Makian’s shoes for a moment.

Then immediately got out of them. Fuck, being Makian is fucking horrible. Who thought that people’s members could even bend that far? She certainly hadn’t. And now she wished she hadn’t. FUCK!

Then, her extra-sensitive ears perked up. She heard talking voices, speaking in an unknown language. The crunching of boots on a path, then a loud exclamation and the sound of a weight being dropped on the ground.

Fuck.

Aris vividly remembered the encounter with her current neighbors in the forest. She thought back to before that, when life had been a normal, if slightly frustrating experience.

. . .

She had been hiking through the forest with her two guides, Unk and Bog. They were stupid even for wolfpeople, and she needed an expensive translation ring just to convey her words enough to the barely sentient beastkin. She fucking hated those guys. FUCK!

They were taking her to their village, which was populated by ‘people’ even dumber than they were. They were both supposedly the second smartest in their village, and the first smartest was their father, the village elder. He was also a ‘medicine man’ as they called him. Fuckers.

Anyway, they had been walking when a flash of light came from deep in the forest, just barely visible through the trees. Unk and Bog, being the stupid creatures they were, raced towards it making heathen noises. Motherfuckers.

She was forced to follow them due to the fact she would get lost very quickly without them, and after a solid 30 minutes of sprinting (even Aris had trouble keeping up with them) the trio finally reached a small clearing where two oddly dressed humans stood talking. Unk and Bog crept up with surprising silence, or at least they thought they were silent, because one of the humans turned towards their direction. FUCK!

Then, Unk and Bog made the decision that would change their lives forever. They jumped out, brandished their shitty FUCKING knives, and demanded, “You will not take what is most valuable to us, demons!”

The humans, aiming their strange, metal non-crossbows at all three of them, began conversing amongst themselves. One of them, surprisingly, seemed to understand what Unk and Bog said, which Aris thought to be strange, due to the fact she didn’t sense any sort of translation ring on them with her weak FUCKING magic affinity, and she DEFINITELY needed translation rings to understand the barely civilized language. How were these fuckers even descended from mainlanders?

Unk, in his infinite FUCKNG wisdom, rushed the human pair, but Bog, showing a rare moment of clarity, seemed apprehensive to follow suit. However, once Aris saw that the human, who had been talking to the other one, had his crossbow variant pointed right at her, she panicked, shoved Bog at the human, then dashed.

What followed were some of the loudest things she had ever heard in her life, which was surprising, seeing as the loudest thing she had ever heard in her entire life was actually herself yelling FUCK at the top of her lungs. The noises came from behind her, and guessing by the voices that followed, Unk and Bog hadn’t made it.

FUCK!

Now she was stuck in the forest with no guide, and she had to get to a somewhat civilized location so that she could contact Makian by scrying and tell him the mission was a bust, and that there were no riches to be found here, unless you counted practically braindead locals as riches, in which case there was a fucking goldmine.

Aris stopped thinking back to that horrible fucking moment when she heard the voices in the distance start speaking again. Slowly, silently, she slowly made her way to the source of the voices, where the two rangers (she was guessing they were rangers due to the lack of soldier uniform, and all the camouflage they were adorned in) sat around a small fire (just the right size too!) talking. Curiously, her translation ring worked now. It hadn't worked earlier for some FUCKING reason.

They were talking about Nicaragua, which seemed to be what they called this place. So, did that mean they were locals? Aris didn’t fucking know. FUCK!

They continued to ramble on for a short moment about a man called Einstein, whoever the FUCK that was, and how nothing could stop them. Goddamn, these two must’ve had shit for brains.

Then, coincidentally right after the slightly smarter one stood up and proclaimed themselves unstoppable, with the sole exception being that if a magical event were to happen right at that moment, a portal opened up and a mage stepped out.

That is, he would’ve looked like a mage, if he had actually known what the fuck he was doing with a mage’s staff. Aris could tell with his fumbling and muttering that he had zero magical knowledge whatsoever and was simply a fucking dumbass.

Anyway, the two rangers aimed their boom-sticks at the poor wolfboy who clearly didn’t know what was going on and made a series of contradicting orders that further confused the wolfboy. FUCK!

The wolfboy surrendered the staff, which immediately turned out to be a huge mistake, because the slightly smarter one still was a fucking dumbass, and somehow accidentally managed to operate staff, and what looked to be a is that an elven catalyst?

From that moment on, Aris realized that catalyst was her ticket out of her shitty FUCKING life. Elven catalysts sold for a fuckton on the market, and just one would catch her enough money to afford a decent home and enough savings to last her decades.

Sadly, the reopening of the portal wasn’t without casualties, as the slightly stupider one accidentally activated his weapon and blew the defenseless wolfperson away. Fly high, unnamed fucker.

The two idiots looked at the body, said, “Damn,” then walked into the portal without giving a shit.

Aris followed them silently.

She was gonna get that catalyst.