Rising Shards

“It was you,” I said. “I don’t remember that at all. Did I really do that?”

I had a form I could recognize again. I was me again, and I was standing next to Oka. She nodded. Kalei wasn’t there, but maybe it was to give Oka and I a moment together. Not out of keeping secrets from her, just from us needing to have this moment apart from everyone.

“How did I not notice?” I asked.

“To be fair, the music was really loud, my voice was all raspy, we were in masks, you didn’t know me yet. And you had something else weighing on your mind.”

“Did you know when you met me?”

“Not right away, but I figured after a bit with you…”

We both watched our past selves dance with each other. We were really awkward, but we were so happy. I became aware of how close Oka and I were standing watching ourselves dance. Especially when we took the slow dance pose for a bit. I thought it was just a second, but we held it until people were staring.

“Aren’t you mad at me? I did like lie about this,” Oka said. “And after this Jeans got so mad at you. I felt so guilty when I realized.”

I thought back to the night after, and how horrible it was when Jeans really went in on me and made me hate myself. I felt a mix of conflicting emotions about Oka now being involved with that night. If I had learned this a few weeks earlier, I might've gotten more upset. She looked at me intently, waiting for my reaction. I almost wanted to cry just from her look alone, she genuinely looked more devastated than a puppy that got in trouble. It wasn't a matter of me supressing emotions or anything, but after I took a deep breath, it was clear how I felt, thinking about everything we'd both been through in our own journeys.

“Jeans got mad at everything I did.” I said. “Even with this, you had nothing to do with Jeans being how she is.”

Oka looked like I just told her she wasn’t guilty during a murder trial.

“It’s…not bad?”

“I don’t think it’s bad,” I said. “It’s like opening a present I didn’t know I had.”

“So yeah, not sure why that one was so bad,” Kalei said, now beside us. “You that uncomfortable about having long hair back then? It looked good on you. Unless it was Diast driving you to a dance, that's pretty dorky to have a teacher do that.”

"Dr. Diast helped me a lot with the transition from Tesata to...normalcy," Oka said. "It's not dorky to get help from a teacher, shut up!"

"If you say so," Kalei said. They were teasing, but I could still see the glimmers of happy relief in their eyes.

The way out door appeared behind us, bordered with flowers. The sun was setting when we got back to Rising Shards from the void. I assumed Dr. Diast was gonna tell us to head back to our room and rest.

“Now, as your advisor I’d probably not want you out past curfew,” Diast said. “But I won’t tell if you don’t.”

“Wait, really?” I asked.

“As long as you stay completely within the school grounds,” Diast said. “I think you could use some Rising Shards night air after two of those in a row. Ew, wait, that makes it sound like the night air is Rising Shards branded. This isn't a commercial for Rising Shards branded night air, alright?"

"We got it, Dr. Diast," I said.

"Just stay away from that one night guard, with the purple hair. He’s a stickler.”

We walked around in front of Rising Shards’ main entrance for a bit. There were plenty of lights on, so I didn’t feel too scared. Kalei spotted a path to the fire pits and decided we had to go to them.

“That night air, mmmm,” Kalei said. “Diast was spot on there.”

I took a big breath of it. Even the air felt more welcoming at Rising Shards than at Tesata.

“That purple haired guy really does suck,” Kalei said. “He busted me for a ‘suspicious walking style.’”

“Oh, he reminds me of like that one guy in Tower of Hate and Love…” Oka said.

“Who?” I asked.

“The mailman who kills Secret President,” Oka said. “The one who kept describing his cow farm and how detailed his milk was for like a whole episode.”

“That weird bald guy?!” I said.

“Yeah, him but like with purple hair.” Oka said.

That made Kalei and I burst out laughing. It took us all the way to the open fire pit we found before we could catch our breath while Oka blushed from how much we were giggling.

“That must have been really weird for you, Oka,” Kalei said. “I can see why you didn’t want to talk about any of that.”

“None taken,” Oka said. “I’m happy you two came with.”

“And I’m happy I don’t have to explain Risa to you guys again,” Kalei said. “How many people even went to that crappy school you went to?”

“About twenty.” Oka said.

“Shut up, twenty?” Kalei said, casually breaking up some sticks and throwing them into the pit. “How did everyone fit?”

“Well, it wasn’t easy,” Oka said.

Oka talked for a bit about her school, but we backed off when we could tell it was getting a bit much. Kalei talked about her home life more and her past with Risa, but the good times. They both had been through rough times in their past, and it was motivational for me to see how well they'd worked to move on from the dark times already.

Oka and Kalei showcased skills I definitely didn't have when they got the fire going with a easily ignited plant Oka conjured.

"Well, at least Tesata taught me that, I guess." Oka said.

Something struck me as I sat there with my best friends. A nagging chain in my heart suddenly loosened, and it gave me a burst of energy.

"I have to go get something," I said.

"No, staaaay," Oka whined. "We just got the fire going!"

“I’ll be right back, I promise!” I said, taking off for our room.

By the time I got back, the fire was burning way bigger, and I could hear Kalei and Oka giggling loudly as I approached.

“Aw, I was hoping you were gonna bring marshmallows.” Kalei said.

I took a deep breath.

"You good, dude?" Kalei asked.

I gave Kalei the ad I folded into a bird then crumpled.

"I kept it hidden because it was a Jeans thing, I'm sorry." I said. "Jeans taught me how to fold them like this and I wanted to, I dunno, save the memory of that or something. But Jeans sucks and I don't need to cherish those memories."

"Oh," Kalei said. "Dang, was Jeans that bad? Your hands are shaking."

"Y-yeah." I said.

With Kalei's concerned look and Oka's supportive one, out of nowhere I just babbled everything about Jeans. I showed them the box I had that held so many memories of Jeans and me. The moment it finished, I felt like the chain in my heart had finally gave way. I chucked the box into the fire pit.

“Whoa, I just wanted the booklet!" Kalei said. "I don’t need you to burn your like time capsule box."

“Nah, Zeta needed this." Oka said, smiling to me.

"You know, after that story, agreed." Kalei said. "Also it is just hitting me that Zeta has dated more people than me. Is Zeta a secret player?" 

"I'm really not." I said.

"This shatters my image of you. I had you pegged as a ‘too much of a prude to do much of anything’ type of girl.”

"Well, that isn't true," I said.

"Still, I'm sorry you had to go through all that," Kalei said. "I'm glad we at least have each other for all that crap the three of us went through."

"Me too." I said as I watched the box's last bits burn.

For the rest of the night, we ended up hanging out like we always did, like we had never even had a big blow up. By the time we finally went back to our rooms, I had almost forgotten about all that. We didn’t need to touch the stars at Rising Shards. For us, paradise was being around each other.

I did remember that I still had a paper to write. Armed with a sort of energy drink and a bunch of books Diast gave me, I sat down at my desk and got ready for an all-nighter. But I finished the paper in a few hours and was able to get a pretty normal amount of sleep, even with the energy drink. I think I was so exhausted, emotionally and physically, from everything that week I was able to sleep soundly.

* * *

I had never been so proud to print and staple an essay before. Dr. Diast gave me a ton of material to write on, and they explained the material in a much more interesting way than Soleri. I had to give up on some social time, but it was worth it to get the work done. And even better to see Soleri’s shock that I actually finished it.

I returned to the dorm room proudly, where only Oka was present, sitting at the dinky table in the front of our room reading the first Raina Starlight book that I loaned her. I took my headphones out, as I was listening to my “things going good” playlist on the way back as it always got me pumped up and in an even better mood.

“Kalei’s at practice, if you’re wondering,” Oka said. “Then she’s gonna play games with the Matora sisters. Said she’d be back in a while though.”

“Alright,” I said, then stood in front of her awkwardly. “Hey Oka, can I be cheesy for a sec?”

“We had salads for lunch, but sure,” Oka said, holding back laughing at her joke.

“You can put cheese on salads!” I said. “And I’m serious!”

I sat down by her and handed a pile of papers at her.

“I printed an extra copy of my paper for you,” I said. “Can you read it quick?”

“I mean, it is eight pages,” Oka said. “I’m kidding.”

“Actually, let me explain and then you can read it later,” I said, feeling my face get a little warmer.

“Sure!” Oka said.

“Dr. Diast told me about one of the ways the peacemaker principle can be described,” I said. “There was this one Calestian focused Cani, I forget what they did, and they talked about how the kind of peacemaker we meet the most is called the compass. I don’t know if he said it all with emphasis like that, but I like to think he did.”

“I think I remember that,” Oka said.

“The compass is like a person who brings you peace by like…just by being with them they calm people down,” I said. “They’re peacemakers just by being. Just having them in your life is a greater peace than trying to be peaceful.”

I think Oka started to tell where I was going with it. I started twisting my hair in my hand, like winding it up gave me enough strength for what I wanted to say.

“And all I could think about while I read about this compass thing was you,” I said.

The quietness of the room felt really pressing.

“About someone brave, and kind, like someone who you can always rely on to guide you right.”

Oka started to say something, but her voice quivered.

“If you read that, I basically wrote about you,” I said. “But maybe don’t read it now because now I feel really embarrassed.”

“Zeta…” Oka said, covering her smile.

“Thank you for being my compass, Oka,” I said. “I just gotta remember to follow you.”

While I did make Oka cry there, I at least made it better tears than the last time she cried with me.

“Hey, what is that?” Oka asked.

“What’s what?”

“The music,” Oka said, pointing at my bag. I must’ve forgot to pause my music, it was still pretty loud just through the headphones.

“Oh, sorry,” I said, pulling it out to shut it off.

“No, no,” Oka said. “Were you listening to the song again? The one from the dance?”

I nodded. “Your void thing reminded me how much I liked it. And…it has a good memory associated with it now.”

My brain wouldn’t let me see Oka’s reaction to that; my eyes froze away from whatever expression she was making. But my brain did let me shakily take the headphones out of the phone and set it down on the table. I started the song over, then stood up and held my hand out to Oka. “We didn’t get to finish last time.”

Oka didn’t hesitate, and I pulled her up to her feet. There was a moment of frantic, terrible adjustment as I didn’t know where to hold my hands, and she didn’t know what to do with her hands. We laughed through that until my hands were on her shoulders and her hands were on my hips. We didn’t dance much better than we did that night at the masquerade, but we did so far more joyously.