Self Insert as Spider-Man MCU

I had known I was in trouble when I had been sequestered into an interrogation room that they said was an interview room. I held in my laugh at that description and had waited patiently for someone to visit and talk to me. I had been shocked at the time that it was Nick Fury himself and Maria was right behind him. I couldn't stop my warm smile at seeing her.

Maria's comment about no one ever giving her a smile like that before had actually made me feel bad. I did my best to sincerely compliment her and her skills as both she and Fury asked me about what happened. I provided staged cell phone footage for how I entered the base and then gave them the rest of the things I had filmed.

The surprised looks on their faces as I wrecked the place was well worth being in trouble. Before they could berate me for doing what I did while fully knowing it was a training scenario, I asked about his pet cat that was really a voracious alien. That had shut them both up for several minutes.

I had been reluctant to tell them some of what I knew about things, just because they might not be perfectly aligned with the events that had actually happened. Most of the details had been classified, even if the general public knew about the overall event. I also didn't want to dig myself into a hole that I couldn't get out of.

Instead, I had simply stated I found an old file on the mainframe that referenced the redacted files and memorized some of the details before I deleted it. When they asked why I didn't save it, I had laughed and said that it wasn't worth my life to keep something like that in play.

I didn't say anything about wanting to root out all of the backdoors and things from the computers, either. That would have been giving the game up too soon. I had already pushed things and I didn't want to be erased or made to disappear. Aunt May needed me and I wanted to be around for a very long time.

They left me alone for about two hours and then both Fury and Maria entered the room again.

I gave them both a smile. “Are you sure I can't have one of Goose's kittens?”

“I'm sorry, Agent Parker. They are all spoken for by the workers at the facility.” Fury said. “Can you tell me anything else about what was in that file you deleted?”

I sat back in the uncomfortable chair and thought about it. “Does General Ross still have a mad-on for Bruce Banner to make more hulks?”

Fury and Maria exchanged looks and then Fury nodded.

“You need to tell him it won't work. Once the super soldier formula is absorbed by the body and exposed to any kind of radiation, the infusion is permanent and non-transferable, unless you want to create more monsters like Blonsky.”

Something beeped inside Fury's coat. He took out something like a cell phone. “Would you care to repeat that?”

I gave him and Maria a sad look.

“Agent Parker... Ben.” Maria said in a classic bid to endear herself to me. “Can you clarify what you said? Please.”

“Only because it's you.” I said and Maria looked surprised for a moment. “This has nothing to do with the information I found. This is more of a personal observation and possibility that could happen in the future.”

Fury nodded and put the thing back in his coat.

“I know Bruce doesn't have any real family left... except for a cousin. Jennifer Walters.”

Fury perked up at that and Maria's surprise stayed on her face.

“I'm sure that if you check, their blood types match. They are also closely related.” I said and looked into Maria's eyes. “Imagine what would happen if you gave her a direct blood transfer from Bruce in his human form to Jennifer in her human form, say through a modified dialysis machine.”

“Oh, fuck.” Maria softly cursed.

“Exactly.” I said and looked at Fury. “Before you check, you should know that she's a lawyer at a firm downtown. She might not be interested in working for SHIELD.”

Fury had several emotions pass through his face before he grunted. “You're distracting us.”

“Yes.” I admitted and he chuckled.

“What else do you know?” Maria asked.

“Captain America was retrieved from the arctic ice and is being sequestered somewhere within New York. I don't know where or why.” I said and Fury's pocket didn't beep. “Thor hasn't been back to visit in years, despite having a woman here that he supposedly loves.”

Fury nodded.

“Bruce Banner is in some middle eastern country working as a Peace Corps medic, Hank Pym is a recluse that refuses to let his capable daughter take over for him in his retirement, Tony Stark is as arrogant and dismissive as always, Jessica Jones or code name Jewel, is still under Kilgrave's control somewhere in the world, and Captain Marvel hasn't contacted you since she left.”

Both Fury and Maria stared at me.

“What? She easily could have. The Kree have advanced tech that they obviously don't want to share, even with Project Pegasus.” I said Fury squinted his eye at me. “No, I don't know what you've managed to recover from the wreckage of the Kree warships. I'd love to play with the tech, though.”

“We can't get it to work.” Fury admitted. “Their power sources are not producible by humanity.”

I nodded. “That tells me there wasn't enough left intact to use them. Without power, it's all just physical dismantling and pretty useless if you can't access the programming.”

“That's... surprisingly accurate.” Maria said.

“I doubt you'll give me access to Mar-Vell's private notes to try and decipher the Kree language, even though the temptation is so high.”

“You have information that could make you a very dangerous person in the wrong hands.” Maria said.

I gave her another warm smile. “Is this where I make the joke about you keeping your hands on me?”

Maria's lips twitched into a smile before going back to her stoic face.

“Is there anything you don't know?” Fury asked.

“I don't know what color Maria's underwear is, even if I have an educated guess.”

Fury glanced at her. “Don't take this as harassment.”

“Noted, sir.” Maria said.

“Go ahead.” Fury said to me.

“She's a practical woman. As deputy director, she doesn't have time to worry about anything like looks. It's pure comfort and versatility, so a basic black sports bra for a fit that doesn't compromise her chest or causes underwire marks or discomfort with straps. I'll guess either white or black basic panties, just because there's no point in her showing off when she chooses to not have anyone to show off to.”

Fury glanced at her and Maria nodded.

“I like women that are confident in themselves.” I said and they both looked back at me. “Just for your information, there are... ahem... prettier options that are also quite comfortable and still versatile.” I nodded at the folder she held in her hand and she handed over a piece of paper and a pen. I wrote out the address for the lingerie shop and handed it and the pen back to her. “I would be more than happy to accompany you to be an appropriate audience.”

Maria took the paper and gave me a pointed look. “Are you asking me out on a date to go shopping at a lingerie store?”

I let a huge smile show on my face. “What a wonderful idea, Deputy Director Hill! I accept.”

Maria's eyes widened and Fury's face went blank immediately.

He probably expects her to blow up at me, so I'll give her an out, just in case. I thought. “I don't want to inconvenience you by dictating a set date and time, since you are a very busy woman. Please call or text me whenever you want and let me know when you're free.”

Maria nodded without speaking and Fury visibly relaxed.

I almost laughed at their reactions and managed to keep a straight face. “Depending on the time of day, we can stop at the park and have a picnic or I can arrange to cook dinner for you. I'm fine with anything you choose.”

“You're leaving it up to me.” Maria said.

“Of course. Like I said, your time is much more valuable than mine. I can easily rearrange my schedule to accommodate you.” I said and looked back at Fury. “Have you figured out why I was the only one with real bullets?”

“The Quinjets had to be swapped.” Fury said.

“Ah, I see.” I said and nodded. “Who do I complain to about how this whole thing was handled?”

“Excuse me?” Maria asked.

“The entire mission was set up as a training exercise and only the team sent in didn't know, correct?” I asked and she nodded. “Then why were there no water and food provisions on the jet for an extended stay? Why were there no tripwires, extra grenades, long range scouting binoculars, medical supplies, tool kits for lockpicking and electric fence dismantling, and half a dozen other things I can't think of right now that I thought of as I was gearing up on the transport?”

Neither Maria nor Fury said anything in response.

“At the time I thought that the mission planners had a severe lack of preparedness. Was that it? Or was it supposed to be bare bones like my tactical assessment turned out to be?” I asked.

Maria actually let out a soft sigh. “You were supposed to remain with the group, specifically because you lacked a partner, and you were supposed to be ushered through the mission to see the various procedures and options available as you and the team assaulted the base. None of the other equipment should have been necessary, nor was it required.”

“Ohhh, I get it. Since everyone else knew what was supposed to happen, only the team's reactions would have been real.” I said and nodded. “What about the base personnel cheating?”

“I dealt with the base commander by shipping him somewhere appropriate.” Fury said.

“Please tell me it was Siberia or something. His dark skin and heat accustomed body is just going to love the climate change.” I said and Fury smiled. “HA! Excellent, excellent.”

“You seem to enjoy being vindictive.” Maria said.

I shook my head. “I prefer to think it's justice for wronging me and mine. Be my friend and I'm the best friend in the world. Cross me and you better hope that when you pay for it, it's not with your life.”

Maria's face went blank and she looked at Fury.

“Black Widow.” Fury said. “Can you tell me what happened between you?”

I handed over one of the untraceable cell phones. I already had it cued to the conversation Natasha and I had in the private room she had arranged. Both Maria and Fury listened to the recording. When it was done, they looked at me with raised eyebrows.

“I had hoped letting her know I knew all about everything... well, the important highlights anyway... would shock her enough to actually think about opening up. She's been a great asset to SHIELD and I was sure that she believed she has been compromising herself by allowing me into her life. I literally told her that she wasn't because I already knew who she was.”

“She did not take it that way.” Maria said.

I chuckled. “I kind of figured that out when she decided to kill me, rather than talk to me.”

“What are you going to do with her?” Maria asked.

I gave her a crooked smile. “Like I told her, nothing.” I looked at Fury. “How did Clint's and Natasha's asses taste after you chewed them out over this cluster-fuck?”

Fury chuckled. “Bitter and regretful.”

I barked a laugh. “I knew they wouldn't like it.”

“I am seriously thinking of suspending them.” Fury said and his eye seemed to bore into me.

“That's just delaying the problem and not solving it.” I said and shook my head. “They are your best agents. If I wasn't here, they would be... wait, didn't they have a mission assigned just before Christmas? Is that still a go?”

Fury looked at Maria. “Hill?”

“You said to remove her if she seemed compromised. Attempting to kill a teammate on a mission would count as compromised.” Maria said.

“I might be able to fix that if you let me.” I said and they both looked at me with questions on their faces. “I'll need an actual clean room, five padded leather straps about six feet long, and a bed.”

They both looked surprised for a moment and then Fury smiled a little.

“Oh.” Maria whispered.

“Don't worry, Maria. It's just a corrective measure. I told Natasha a while ago that she's not ready for any kind of commitment, either professionally or personally.”

“What about emotionally?” Maria asked.

“I think that's her problem.” I said and she raised her eyebrows. “She can't deal with her feelings and has to rely on her ingrained training to handle it. Aka, kill it until it's no longer a problem.”

Maria's eyebrows dropped and she nodded. “That would explain a few of her decisions.”

“I also spared her. She owes me, just like she owes Clint.” I said and they both nodded. “If I can change that into a similar friendship...”

“Do it.” Fury said and stood. “Hill, arrange it and inform Agent Parker of his new status.”

“Yes, sir.” Maria said and waited until Fury left.

“Please tell me we're going undercover as husband and wife to bust a honeymoon scam at Niagra Falls.” I joked and her eyebrows rose again. “I'm sorry for interrupting, Maria. Please continue and fulfill your orders.”

Maria nodded and handed me a new SHIELD identification card and it had a red number 8 on it.

“You're joking.” I whispered.

“I never joke.” Maria responded.

“You should do it while in a serious business meeting or negotiation. It'll throw everyone off when you crack a joke and give your side the perfect opportunity to get concessions that wouldn't otherwise be available.”

Maria gave me a pointed look.

“You're an intelligent woman. Use Natasha's first rule. If there's no advantage to exploit, make one.”

Maria looked thoughtful for a second and nodded.

“Excellent.” I said and tucked my new ID into my wallet. “Should I wait here while you make those arrangements or can I follow you around like an excited puppy?”

Maria gave me another pointed look.

“You have to admit that would look pretty funny.” I said and she raised her eyebrows once more. “You striding down the hallway with a serious look on your face and me hopping around you and begging you over and over if I can have your attention.”

Maria's lips twitched as she thought about it and a smile formed on her face.

I did not crow like a banshee in triumph at actually making her smile. I did not. Nope, it never happened. The footage on her body camera was faked.

Maria vehemently denied the single chuckle that had escaped her mouth, too.

*

Natasha wasn't sure why she had been ordered to go to one of the small training rooms. She didn't disobey the order, even though she somehow knew it was going to be bad for her, considering how Director Fury had verbally torn a strip off of her for her actions and her potential actions.

This is all your fault, Ben! Natasha thought as she entered the mostly dark room. I'm going to get you back for this, even if it's the last thing I...

“Welcome to my parlour, said the fly to the black widow spider.” A voice whispered. and something slapped against her ass with the sound of leather.

Natasha whipped around and had her taser bracelets charged and ready. No one was there, though.

“It's time I collect on some of the life debt you owe me.” The voice whispered from off to her right.

“What are you going to do? I won't react, even if you torture me!” Natasha spat and spun that way.

“Torture you?” The voice whispered as a light laugh seemed to fill the room. “No, my dear princess. I plan to collect in a much more satisfying way.”

“You're going to have to kill me to get me to do anything with you ever again!” Natasha exclaimed.

There was no response and she wasn't sure if her boast was going to do anything, then the leather strap wrapped around her neck and tightened.

“NO!” Natasha gasped and had to disengage her tasers to reach up to her neck. Suddenly, two hands grabbed hers and pulled them behind her back and they were secured with the leather strap. “S-stop... stop this!”

“You are mine.” The voice whispered in her left ear and she tried to jerk around. Her hands pulled on her neck and she stopped trying to move, because she could seriously hurt herself.

“No, I am myself! I belong to no one!” Natasha spat.

“What would your good friend Clint say to that?” The voice asked from above her. “He spared you, too.”

Natasha looked up and didn't see anything. “He would never do anything like this.”

The voice chuckled. “Only because he's already married and has kids.”

“How do you know that?!?” Natasha asked, surprised.

“The same way I know a lot of things.” Ben said as he turned on a single light over her and the bed before he walked out of the darkness. He wore black from head to foot and he pulled off the improvised mask. “Like how you can't stand that your body is desperately trying to betray you.”

Natasha wouldn't admit how true that was. She was about to curse at him and tell him to leave her alone, then he pulled off the black cloth covering him and he was completely naked underneath. He was also soft and not excited, which told her a lot of things about what Ben thought about what he was doing.

“Unlike you, your body is completely honest.” Ben said and approached her. “As is mine.”

Natasha looked down at his soft state again and back at his face. “Why are you doing this?”

“It's a corrective measure.” Ben said and unzipped her costume. His hands carefully pulled it off of her shoulders and his fingertips caressed her arms and not her breasts. “You can't face your feelings head on, so I'm going to help you face them from another direction.”

Natasha grew wet, because she knew exactly what he meant. “Wh-what d-direction?”

“From behind, of course. Like every agent worth their salt, you always take a target from behind.” Ben said and he used her own hidden knife to cut her costume off at the waist.

“You're going to pay for that.” Natasha whispered.

“My dear princess, I am going to do much better than that.” Ben whispered back and gave her a quick kiss.

Natasha tried to bite his lips off and he chuckled. “You're going to regret this.”

“The only thing I regret is not doing this before you tried to kill me.” Ben said and scooped her up into his arms and carried her over to the bed.