Summus Proelium

The rooftops went flying by underneath me as I sent myself rocketing over them. I was using every trick I had learned over these months to increase my speed to truly dangerous degrees. I didn't care how dangerous it was, not right then. I needed to clear my head, and this was the best way to do it. The world around me was a blur, and it wasn't just because of how fast I was going. It all seemed distant, like it wasn't really there. I was lost in my thoughts, in the thoughts that had been rampaging through my head ever since I realized what that list was about.

I had spent the rest of the time we were supposed to be studying going through the motions. As had Ryder after I told him what I had found out. Both of us were clearly reeling and doing our best to seem normal, but I wasn't sure how well we pulled it off. Part of me had wanted to leave immediately, but I knew that wouldn't play out well. Besides, I really did need to study.

So, I went through those motions and tried to focus on my upcoming tests. I pushed all those confusing thoughts out of my mind for as long as possible.

But now they were all back. Now I was dressed up as Paintball and practically flying through the city. I had promised Ryder that I would talk to him later once I had a chance to clear my head. He had insisted that the very idea was stupid and that there was absolutely no way I was actually an Abyssal. It had to be one of the others on the list. I had agreed with him because I knew that's what he wanted to hear, and then I left. I changed and started running. Now it had been twenty minutes and I still hadn't stopped. My brain was racing uncontrollably and my body followed suit. I just wanted to run away from every confusing thought, every bit of fear, every feeling I had. I wanted to run away from all of it and not stop running until it was over.

I had turned off my phones so I could clear my head without being bothered. Part of me knew that was a bad idea with the city in the state it was. But then again, for those few minutes, I wouldn't have been any use to anyone even if they needed me. There was no way I could have pulled myself together enough to help. Not right then.

Yes, it was stupid. It was idiotic. There was no way I was actually an Abyssal. I knew what I was. I was a Touched. I had Touched twice, and I knew what my powers were. I knew exactly when I had Touched and it was long after the moments that had been recorded in that notebook as a possible indication that I could be one of those creatures. I knew what I was capable of. I knew I one hundred percent was not an Abyssal.

And yet, despite all of that, traitorous voices kept whispering in the back of my mind. What if I hadn't Touched twice, but three times? What if I had Touched before and didn't remember it, because the first time had made me into one of those monsters? What if I really was one of the Hidden? They didn't remember being Abyssals, and they only manifested when they physically encountered another one of their kind. I had been in the right general area when one of the Abyssal attacks happened, and my official whereabouts during that time weren't accounted for.

I wasn't sure where Maki was getting all of their information, but I had no real reason to think it was completely made up. Besides, it wasn't like I remembered everything I had done years ago. Especially considering my memory had already been fucked with at least once. For all I knew, I really had been an Abyssal and somehow found out about it despite the general memory loss associated with Hidden Abyssals, but my parents had erased that memory too. Would that really have been a stretch considering what they had already done in the name of protecting me?

I had no idea. I honestly didn't know anymore. I didn't know anything anymore. All I could do was run and jump and skate. Nothing else mattered right then. I had to clear my head, had to shove all those thoughts away and just exist in the moment. I had to take this time to just exist and find a way to breathe without hyperventilating. Skating and running gave me the chance to forget everything. It had always been my favorite way of clearing my head. But this time it took a lot more before I was even close to making myself somewhat functional.

Could it even be possible? Was there the slightest, most remote chance that I might actually be one of those people and not even know it? It couldn't be, right? There was no chance, not really. I would know deep down, if there was something inside me that turned me into a monster that could kill everyone in my path. There was no way I could be one of those things and not realize it.

That was the way my brain kept working the entire time I was trying to push those thoughts out of it. I would come to the conclusion that it was all completely impossible, that I would have known the truth. Then those whispers would start up, pointing out that my memory could've been erased, that Hidden Abyssals didn't know what they were even without extra memory fuckery, and everything else. If I had Touched two times, I could have Touched a third and not even known it. And if I had, if I was already one of the Abyssals, would I be an even worse one now that I had Touched twice more? Did that even matter? I didn't know. There was so much I didn't know. I needed to research it. I needed to find out for certain if there was any possible chance that I could be one of those things. Now that the suggestion had been made, I couldn't think about anything else. I had to figure out everything I could about how that all worked. And as soon as I could think the word Abyssal without wanting to scream until my throat was hoarse, I'd get right on that. One thing at a time.

Finally, after I had made my way through what had to be half the city like that, I came down on a roof and stopped there. I nearly pitched all the way over thanks to my momentum, but I managed to stop just in time. Then I simply crouched there, staring at the busy street in front of me. I was looking, but I wasn't processing what was there. Even though I had stopped moving, everything was still a blur. Only belatedly did I realize that there were tears in my eyes. This was so stupid. Why was I reacting this much to the suggestion that I could possibly be an Abyssal? it was just a hypothetical. I was one name on a list of many. And the evidence about me being one was pretty flimsy. Just because I happened to be within the general area where an Abyssal attack had happened, and not even that close. Was it really that big of a deal that I had been within a certain number of miles from where the attack took place? And just because there were no official accounts of my whereabouts at that time, no photographs, no videos, nothing to show exactly where I was while the attack was happening, that didn't mean much either. I was a kid. It had been years ago, even before the whole thing with Anthony. I was a child, of course they didn't have records of what I was doing every moment of every day.

It was just slightly possible that I was spinning out about this because I was so stressed about everything else. Something told me my reaction wasn't just because of the hypothetical suggestion that I maybe possibly might have a slight chance of being one of those people. It was more about this being yet another straw tossed onto the camel. I needed to go somewhere and scream for a while without worrying about disturbing anyone or about how anyone would react.

Sitting there on the edge of the roof for a few minutes, I collected myself, breathing in and out slowly while bringing myself under control. I was being an idiot. I knew that. Yes, there was a lot of stress. Yes, too much had been going on for too long. But I knew I wasn't an Abyssal. I had to believe that if I had been one, my parents would know, and they wouldn't just let me run around free where I could run into another one like me. They cared about this city. They wouldn't want to risk a Collision Point happening here. They had to know that if I was one of those things and they let me run around willy-nilly, very bad things could happen.

Yeah, that was it. That had to be it. I wasn't one of those creatures, because my parents would've known and they wouldn't have let me run around the city as much as I did. I would've been on a much shorter leash. They would've watched me a lot more closely. That had to prove I wasn't one of those things, right?

Once I let myself think about that, it was much easier to calm down. Yes, there was no way I could be an Abyssal. It was one of the others on that list. Which, of course, didn't exactly make me feel perfect. After all, even if I wasn't in danger of turning into a giant monster that could rampage through the city and kill hundreds or even thousands of people, that still meant there was someone else in the city who was. And that was just what we needed after everything else that had happened, to have a Collision Point. And maybe after that, a giant volcano could open up and spew lava and ash all over the city.

Yes, yes, there was no real reason to think it would happen all of a sudden just because I had heard that there was a possible Abyssal in the city. If they really thought I could be one of them, then it had been years since that happened. It could be years before any of this even mattered at all.

Or it could happen tomorrow, because that was just the way our luck seemed to be going, to be honest.

A pain in my throat told me that what I really needed right then was some water. And no wonder, after I had been sprinting across the rooftops of half the city. Fortunately, I kept a bottle of water in my special bag. So, slumping on the edge of the roof, I took the bottle out and sipped for a minute. My eyes closed, and I took a few deep breaths before sipping again. With that, I finally felt human again.

Taking out my two phones, I checked them for messages. I expected to have missed dozens of calls and texts warning me about some utter catastrophe that I had been selfishly ignoring with my personal freakout. But there was basically nothing. Ryder had left me a message assuring me yet again that I had nothing to worry about, basically saying the same things I had thought through myself about how impossible it would be for me to be one of those things. He also promised to look into that list if I could give it to him to see what he could find out about any of the other names, just in case.

There were also a couple messages from Wren and the others letting me know that they had finished sorting through the toys the Ministry had given over and made sure they were all safe. They had some ideas about beefing up defenses around the shop, since it seemed like people were starting to snoop around that area too much. We'd already had those Biolems and their companions skulking around the neighborhood before when they had tried to force us to give up Pittman. If anything else like that happened again, it’d be nice to have ways of dealing with them quickly and quietly.

Oh, and of course, on my regular phone I had a text from the school reminding me about the times and locations for my finals starting tomorrow. Finals that would, in no uncertain terms, decide whether I passed and made it to the next grade. Because I clearly didn't have enough on my mind as it was.

After straightening up and sending replies, I thought for a moment and sent a message to Izzy, inviting her to get some cheeseburgers and hang out somewhere. I wanted to talk to her about all this, and get her perspective, but not over the phone. And certainly not over text. I needed to talk.

Thankfully, she wasn't too busy and had just gotten sent away from the Minority after hitting her maximum official patrol hours for the weekend. So, we arranged to meet up at an old diner near a secluded park that I knew. We could hang out there and talk without worrying about having a bunch of people around. Especially these days, with so few people wanting to just sit around in public where they could be targeted.

Yeah, I really hoped they'd fix this Sleeptalk shit soon so we could get rid of the quarantine and get the city back on its feet.

In the meantime, I made my way to the diner, switching into my normal clothes in an alley nearby before heading across the street to meet Izzy. I didn't even say anything, but the moment she saw my face, the younger girl immediately knew something was wrong. She didn't bring it up right then, but I could tell she knew. She could read my expression, and I could read hers.

We went in to get food, coming out with a couple bags a minute later. Silently, the two of us went over into the park and followed a partially-overgrown trail to a secluded part of it. It was up on a small hill by a few big rocks that we could sit on, so we could see the trail below and know if anyone was coming.

Now that we had privacy, Izzy took a bite of her cheeseburger and looked at me. Her voice was soft. “Um, do you wanna talk about it, or just sit here for a little bit?” She had absolutely no idea what had upset me, but still wanted to let me talk about it at my own speed. What could I possibly have done to get a little sister who was this cool? I didn't deserve her. Especially if I really was-- dammit, no. I wasn't, and I had to stop even slightly entertaining the prospect.

Still, she needed to know what was going on. So, I took a deep breath before launching into the entire explanation. I told her about going over to that place to study, about Ryder being there, and how I had found out exactly what that list was for, including why I was on it.

Izzy took all that in, before turning and punching me in the shoulder. It wasn't hard, but still, the blow made me gasp. She was squinting at me. “Cassie, I know you take a lot on, but you're not an Abyssal. You know when you Touched, and what your powers are.”

Rubbing my shoulder, I nodded. “I know, but I'm pretty sure regular Touched can secretly be Abyssals too, and if I Touched twice, it could've happened three times.” I held my hands up when she started to retort. “I know, I know it's not likely. Trust me, I already had my huge freakout. I talked myself through all of this. The odds of me being one of those things are so… so…” I trailed off then, my face paling a bit.

“What?” Izzy blink at the change in my demeanor. “What's wrong? You just thought about something, didn't you?”

My head bobbed a little. “Earlier, I was telling myself that I couldn't have been an Abyssal without my parents knowing. But what if they do know? Remember, that genetic reset medicine thing they’ve been working on? We thought it was just to take someone's powers away, but what if it's more than that? What if they know there's an Abyssal around here, and they're trying to create a thing to make them not an Abyssal anymore? Who would they be more motivated to make that cure for besides me? Or Simon, and I'm not sure that's any better.”

Izzy set her food down and put both arms around me to hug tightly. Her voice was firm. “Yo--our parents would want to know how to fix any Abyssal who lives in the city, no matter who they were. So of course they'd have their people working on something like that if they knew it was a possibility. And you're forgetting something. Why would Maki be trying to figure out who the Abyssal was if it was you? They're connected to the Ministry, right? So they should know. Doesn't it make more sense if they aren't sure who it is and you've just been included on a list of possibilities to be thorough? But like you said, our parents would know if you had transformed back then. Even if there aren't records of where you were, they were there with you. So if they don't know that you’re an Abyssal, then you can't be, right?”

My mouth opened and shut before I moved my arms to return her hug tightly. “Thanks, Izz.” Sometimes you just needed someone else to logic you through a very emotional situation.

And speaking of emotional situations, the two of us both jumped as our phones buzzed simultaneously. Glancing at one another, we scrambled to take them out and look. The only thing going through my mind was that there was only one good reason for both of us to get a message at the same time. And I was right. The message was from Simon, telling us to get over to the hospital right now.

They were about to give the final stage of the cure to our parents to wake them up.