Summus Proelium

Okay, so I wasn’t quite on vacation just yet, despite my words to the contrary. I still had finals to get through, and with my parents awake there was even more pressure to make sure I didn’t flunk out. Sure, the fear of disappointing them while they were affected by Sleeptalk had been impressive all on its own, but now that they were conscious the idea of telling them face to face that I had failed and would have to repeat all those classes again was almost enough to give me hives.

I needed to chill out. I knew that. I wasn’t going to fail. I knew all this--okay I was at least passingly familiar with most of this stuff. I could get by. Sure, I hadn’t studied as much as I maybe should have throughout the past few months, and I’d done the bare minimum on more than a few assignments just to get them over with so I could go back to doing Paintball stuff. But still, I wasn’t completely screwed or anything. Ryder was a good tutor, and Maki had understood the subjects too. They’d both helped me catch up on stuff I’d fallen behind on. I just had to trust that, stop stressing out so much, and take it one question at a time. My parents were awake and safe now, how did that somehow manage to turn into more stress? What the hell was wrong with me?

Clearly it would take entirely too long to go through that particular list. But I did manage to convince myself to breathe before taking my first final on Wednesday morning. My brain kept trying to go off on panicked tangents about all the terrible things that could happen, and boy did my brain have a bit of an imagination. Fortunately, Paige was there--and goddamn was that still ever a strange thought to have. But yes, she was there since she had finals to deal with too, and that helped me feel better. Irelyn was going to take her and Sierra on that vacation after today. Yeah, she was taking all of her finals on a single day. Normally they would’ve said that was a bad idea, but Irelyn had apparently given special permission for it. And why wouldn’t she? Paige would be fine taking even more finals than that, since she had all the answers. There wasn’t really any stress there.

Though, to be fair, she had plenty of other things to worry about. Like how that whole trip with Irelyn and Sierra was going to go. Sure, the older girl had accepted them and understood--well, most of that whole situation anyway. But still, she was a little concerned about what would happen on a long road trip together. There was still a lot of uncertainty with that situation.

But honestly, just sitting on the roof of the building across from the school that morning listening to Paige play worrywart about the trip made me feel better about my own stuff. Was that weird? I hadn’t stopped stressing about how my tests would go, but when I sat there looking at the building in the distance with all the students heading inside (it was their last day of finals despite being my first) while listening to Paige talk, I felt oddly at peace. All the panicked thoughts I hadn’t been able to push out of my head for the past few hours drifted away, and I just smiled absently as her voice went on.

“And what if both of them start arguing over what sort of music they want to listen to?” Paige continued while pacing back and forth behind me on the roof. “It’s Irelyn’s car, but Sierra can be so stubborn. And tricky. She likes to make bets she already knows the answers to so she can cheat to get her way. That’s how she managed to get control of the music back at the shop, because she convinced Murphy and Roald to make a bet with her about who would score the next basket on a game, and they didn’t realize there the TV was about thirty seconds behind the online broadcast she was connected to. That’s what she does, just to win. If she wants to take control of Irelyn’s music, what sort of bet could she cheat on and how can--did you just giggle?”

Covering my mouth, I shook my head quickly before giving up. “Sorry.” With that, I laid down on my back so I could look up at her as she stared at me. “It’s just funny that we’re freaking out about this ordinary shit, that’s all. You’re afraid your new sisters won’t get along on a road trip. And I’m afraid I’m gonna screw up these finals and end up disappointing my parents right after they just woke up. It’s just--that’s kind of a shift from the things we’ve been worried about lately. And I guess thinking about it like that just made me stop stressing so much in the first place. Listening to you get so worked up was--sorry, I didn’t mean that stuff isn’t important. Just--”

“No, it’s okay.” Paige sat down behind my head and gave me a lingering look. “I get it, really. But you’re right, you shouldn’t worry so much about the tests. You’ll do fine on them, Cassidy. You’re much smarter than you think you are. You just overthink the questions too much sometimes. Or you get bored and just write the first thing that comes into your head so you can be done with it.”

“I think that’s the first time anyone has ever accused me of overthinking,” I retorted with a tiny blush before shaking that off. “I just know how complicated things could get if I mess this up.”

“Trust me,” the other girl insisted, “you know all this stuff. If you can deal with the stress of being Paintball, you can definitely deal with the stress of sitting in a classroom taking a few tests.”

“Being Paintball is--” I caught myself just in time. “Okay, it’s not easy, but it’s a different kind of hard. I can handle that, usually. Sitting still, staying in my seat, filling out a test on a piece of paper? That’s really hard, Paige. Making myself focus on one thing like that, not getting up and moving around? They tend to frown on that, you know? They get pretty antsy about stretching and turning around in your seat and talking to people. And they really don’t like it when you start jumping up and down.That’s all the stuff I do without thinking!”

Putting one finger against my forehead and poking me like that while I was still lying there, Paige offered a faint smile while curiously asking. “First of all, have you ever been checked for ADHD?”

“Oh please,” I shot back, “I’m pretty sure I don’t just have it, I’ve won it. I’m the champion of ADHD. If there was a mountain called ADHD, I would’ve started to climb it, then gotten distracted and wandered off. Which is basically conquering it as far as that goes. I’m very, very good at it.”

She chuckled softly, glancing away to look back out across the other rooftops as my stomach shifted awkwardly. “Yeah, well, I suppose you’re right, you do have a tendency to overachieve.”

That made me snort, twisting around to sit up while my face turned pink. “Look who’s talking. You’re the perfectionist. There’s, like, nothing you can’t do. And before you say it, that’s not because of the Biolem thing, it’s because of the Paige thing. It’s because you push yourself to be better and better.” Biting my lip, I hesitated before turning to meet her gaze. “It’s like you think you have to prove something to someone, but you really don’t. You don’t have to prove anything to your father--or his ghost, to me, to Irelyn, or anyone. Not even to yourself. You’re good just the way you are.” Something occurred to me then, and I added in a voice that was only barely audible, cracking partway through, “You don’t have to prove anything to Anthony’s ghost either.”

From the way Paige flinched, I had a feeling I’d gotten somewhere with that. She dropped her gaze, shivering visibly before looking back up. “I wasn’t there, Cassidy. I wasn’t there, and if I was--if I could’ve helped him and his family, I could’ve… things wouldn’t have changed so much.”

My eyes closed, and I felt a bit of dampness fighting to escape while I tried to keep it under control. Remembering Anthony now, remembering what it had been like to walk in on that massacre, it was painful. But I welcomed the pain. Not in a stupid, unhealthy way. I wasn’t obsessing over it or wallowing. I welcomed it because it was real. It was my real pain, my real memories, my real feelings. They weren’t hidden or erased or anything anymore. I could accept that Anthony was gone, that I would never see him alive again. It hurt, and I wished it was different, but that was reality. It was something I needed to take in as part of my life, something I would have accepted a long time ago if my parents hadn’t erased that. Which--yeah, I couldn’t get into all that right now. Not if I was actually going to have any chance at surviving these finals.

With effort, I found my voice. “Or maybe you being there would’ve made me lose you too. I know, I know, you’re very strong and fast and all that. But it could’ve happened. We can’t ‘what if’ only the best possible outcomes. Things happened the way they happened. Maybe they could’ve turned out better, maybe they could’ve turned out worse. But in the end, they just turned out the way they actually did, and we have to live with that. It’s not about what could have been, or what should have been. It’s about what is. I miss Anthony. I wish he was here. But you don’t have anything to make up for. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s okay to not be perfect one hundred percent of the time. Just be Paige.”

Hah, it was her turn to blush, as she gave me a lingering stare. “Yeah, well, maybe I’d still like to give it the old college try, just for fun. And for the record, I’m glad you have your memories back.”

“Oh believe me, so am I.” With that bit of assurance, I picked myself up and bounced up and down on my heels a couple times while shaking my hands out. “I feel like I need to go for a run before they chain me to the desk for a few hours and force me to stare at dumb pieces of paper.”

“Go for a run, or run away?” Paige teased with a raised eyebrow. “You are going to come back and actually go into school to take the tests in eleven minutes, right? Because that’s important.”

“Yeah, yeah, very important, I know.” Making a big show of rolling my eyes, I stepped over to embrace the other girl quickly. “I’ll be there, I swear. I just have to… um--” Coughing, I stepped away, releasing her. “I just have to clear my head a bit so I can focus. So yeah, I’ll be there for the test. And if I’m not, it’s just because the Earth opened up and swallowed me whole, no big deal!”

Before I could head out, Paige quickly spoke up. “Cassie, wait. I was just going to say, um…” She looked awkward then while I looked back at her. “When you’re taking your test, try reading through all the instruction parts first. Skim the questions so you’re familiar with them. Find out how many questions there are and divide the exam into equal sections. If there are fifty questions, divide it into five sections of ten questions each. Make a tiny mark after every ten questions. Then you can feel like you’ve completed something every time you finish a section. It divides the test up into easier chunks. So you’re not trying to make your brain focus on getting from question one to question fifty, you’re just making it focus from question one to question ten. Then eleven to twenty, and so on. I know, I know, it sounds stupid, but they say it can really help.”

While I processed that, she tossed something to me. "And take this.” It was a small blue fish-shaped eraser. “Put that at the top of your desk and leave it there. Every time your attention starts to wander, just look at the fish for a second to recenter yourself. That’s supposed to help too. I um-I’ve been researching this stuff, I guess.” She squirmed awkwardly before adding, “Maybe it’s nonsense, but it doesn’t seem like it could hurt. If you don’t want to do anything with--”

“It’s cool,” I quickly interrupted. “I’ll give it a shot. I mean, what the hell, right? I um, I--” Boy there was a lot I wanted to say. But all that came out was, “I’m gonna go now.” Eugh, awkward. “I--time--minutes, only a few minutes to run and clear my head. Only--it’s just--I’ll see you soon!”

With that, I climbed down the ladder. Or started to, as soon as I was partway down and certain no one could see me in that narrow alley between buildings, I let go and dropped. With a mighty, impressive sploosh, my body shifted into its liquid form just as I hit the ground and splattered all over the dumpster and wall. Maybe it was weird--okay it was definitely weird, but I loved doing that. Letting my body freaking explode into droplets, seeing the whole world from each of those droplets individually for a moment before pulling myself back together and reforming was just… okay, it was freaky as hell and probably terrifying for anyone seeing it, but still. It was fun. And definitely a good way to escape a confusing conversation. Even if I was still muttering, “Stupid, stupid, ‘see you soon?’ Who says that? What kind of stupid, awkward dork says see you soon? God, I’m such a moron.”

Yeah, it was just slightly possible that I might’ve been overthinking that whole situation. But seriously, why had I suddenly felt so awkward about just telling Paige I was going to go for a run and would meet her in class? What was wrong with me? It was just--okay things were different between us, and that was taking a bit of time to get used to. Especially since we couldn’t act that differently in school. Yeah, that wasn’t helping. I felt weird about continuing to pretend we couldn’t stand each other. There had to be a way to get out of that, especially before the summer was over. I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to stand going through an entire school year like that.

Of course, before I even had to think about what I was going to do over the summer, let alone once school started, I was going to have to actually get through these finals. And that meant going for a short, five minute run. It wasn't the best case scenario, but even a quick jog would help clear my head. Even if I had to do it on the ground without any powers. I didn't have time to change in and out of my costume. So, I was just gonna have to do this the Prev way. That was still better than sitting still. Fuck sitting still. Bane of my existence, that was.

Unfortunately, before I could head out, a guy came around the mouth of the alley. He was walking quickly and almost ran right into me before I cleared my throat pointedly to get his attention.

“Wh--whoa!” The guy stumbled backward a step and almost fell over his own feet after glancing up distractedly from the phone he had been staring at. Only then did I realize who I was really looking at.

“Damarko?” The name came even as I reached out to catch his arm so he wouldn't hit the ground.

His mouth opened and shut while he stared at me, obviously trying to get his heart to slow down after being taken by surprise like that. Which, honestly, it was his own fault. He’d been seriously engrossed in his phone. Finally, the boy managed, “Cassidy Evans? What’re you doing in--I mean why are you--I mean, what's going on?” Yeah, so smooth.

My head bobbed. “That's my name, last time I checked. And speaking of checking, I think I go to that school right over there. But don't you go to a different school?” As soon as I asked that, my face twisted. “Err, not that you're not allowed to walk down any alley you feel like. I'm just saying, it kind of makes more sense for me to be standing here than someone who doesn't go to--I mean someone who isn't--I mean--uh, yeah, I'm just gonna shut up now.” This was going very well on both our parts.

Apparently the boy agreed, because he chuckled and offered me a shrug. “How about we start over? Heya Cassidy Evans, fancy meeting you in this random alley a few minutes before you have to run inside the school that you attend and I don't.” He winked before adding, “And to answer the question, I just walked Jae to school since we had some stuff to talk about. My school ended last week. I was, uh, taking a shortcut through this place to find some breakfast. I'd invite you, but, you know, you have classes. Which may not sound like much of a loss since you barely know my name, but believe me, I make for a straight-fire meal companion. I can ‘hmm’ and ‘uh huh’ while staring at my phone with the best of ‘em.”

Snapping my fingers as though disappointed, I lamented, “Guess we'll have to take a raincheck. Which is too bad since I really want to see your skill with the ‘uh huh.’ It sounds positively inspiring.”

Right, he had been dropping Jae off. That was basically confirmation that I had been right about those two dating, right? Did Amber know yet? No, I wasn't going to ask. That just felt like a really good way to make everything uncomfortable. When they were ready to talk about it with her, that was their business. I had enough to think about as it was. In absolutely no reality did I need to start getting involved with that sort of thing.

Instead, I apologized for needing to run off so quickly, but that I really had a test to get to soon. He assured me that it was fine and he had breakfast to go find. So we split up and I headed back out to the street. Fortunately, I still had a few minutes to at least do a run around the school itself. I had to do something to clear my head.

And boy did my head apparently need clearing. Because I had gone halfway around the school grounds, reaching the rear part of the school, when I glanced to the left, in the direction of the buildings across the street, and thought I saw Damarko again. He was standing on the roof of a building there, looking out at the street below. It felt like our eyes met, then I blinked and he wasn't there anymore. If he had even been there to begin with. His form wasn't very clear. From a distance and with the sun partially in my eyes, he was only barely visible.

Or, just maybe, I was seeing things. I really needed to stop letting my brain go off like that. I had just seen the boy back the other way. He didn't have time to go all the way around and end up on that roof. Not everything was some sort of ridiculous Touched absurdity. I had talked to the boy a few seconds earlier, and saw a vague blob or smudge on the roof thanks to the sun glare, and my brain made it look like him. That was all.

What wasn't a smear was Dani, who stepped into view after I had done my full circuit and was back around at the front. “You know, if you're trying to escape your tests, I think you need to pick a straight line and go with it.”

“Damn,” I lamented, “I knew there had to be a flaw with this plan.” With that, I started walking toward the school itself. “Are you ready for this whole school year to be over?”

“Well, I guess the time I've spent here hasn't been too bad,” she allowed. “I still say you all are super-fucking spoiled, but you could be worse. And some of you are pretty cool.” She winked then before asking, “I'll just have to find some way to entertain myself over the summer. Which will be hard, but I'm sure I can manage something. How about you? You ready to get out of here?”

I shrugged a little. “Unlike you guys, this is just my first day of tests. I'm gonna be coming back here until Friday. But after that, yeah, I think I'll be glad to be done with it.

“And to be honest, a vacation sounds like a pretty good idea right now.”