Teach Me How to Fly

I tap my foot nervously as the bus closes in on the next bus stop.

It’s the first day of school. Already I’ve had the virus for two weeks. I asked Henry whether he could tell that I was changing. He’d stared at me for a few seconds, then shook his head.

Doesn’t make me feel much better, though.

I keep glancing around nervously and it feels like every set of eyes in the bus flickers away just as I’m about to make contact with them.

I know what they’re really staring at, of course. Who they’re really staring at.

Sadie’s sitting next to me. She’s a new girl. Doesn’t happen often in these parts. She’s pretty. And already she’s sitting next to somebody they know.

Henry enters the bus and sits in the row behind us. He’s grinning. He’s always way too energetic at this time.

“Motivated?” he asks, leaning in.

I pull a face. Sadie gives him a small smile. She knows that he knows about the virus and he knows that she does.

“C’mon, you’re gonna do great,” he whispers, leaning in even closer. “It’s impossible to tell.”

“And you,” he says to Sadie, “Just wait until Frau Stanzel hears you speak German.”

Now she pulls a face, too. She’s told me that she’s not particularly scared of being ostracised for her previous life. What she is scared of, though, is coming across as condescending because of her wide range of exotic experiences. She’s going to sit next to me in class, try to keep a low profile for the first few days until she’s figured out the class dynamic.

It surprised me at first how strategic she is about this but really, it shouldn’t have. If you change schools as often as she does you probably learn to follow an exact strategy.

Nobody approaches us on the bus ride to school. There’s nobody else from our year, a lot of us live rather far apart.

And then we arrive. The mass of students walking across the yard to the main entrance makes my stomach knot. Like it is the first day at a new school for me, too.

Henry gives me a light slap on the back as he gets up. Sadie and I follow him out of the bus.

I’m so fucking glad there are no uniforms at this school. Obviously, they’d never force me to come to school in skirt and blouse, but even so. Teenagers can be cruel. Even though they really shouldn’t be anymore.

I briefly close my eyes and take a few deep, controlled breaths. My hands have tightened around the straps of my school bag and I make a conscious effort to relax them, stretch them and let the blood return to my knuckles.

The classroom is mostly full by the time we enter. Twenty-five familiar faces turn and stare as I walk in with the others. Feels like they’re all staring right at me, assessing my face, seeing the minimal changes that I’m not even sure myself are there. Seeing what I am. What I’m going to become.

Nobody says anything. Not to us anyway. Eyes watch us as we walk to our seats and sit, Henry on my left side, Sadie on the right.

“Wellsie!” somebody calls and I flinch. I hate that name. It makes me feel small. And weird. Lesser than them.

I turn and find Leon standing behind me. “You really shouldn’t be wearing that,” he says, gloating.

“Wear what?” I ask, even though I know that’s exactly what he wants to hear. I don’t know why I keep playing along.

“Pants,” he says and some of the other boys laugh. “You’re a girl, Wellsie, and you really need to start dressing the part. You won’t be able to hide the truth forever.”

I cringe at the memory.

Fuck, I really thought I was over this.

Leon is sitting in the very back now, two rows behind me. He’s not even looking at me, doesn’t see my discomfort. Doesn’t see how wrong I feel, how wrong I am.

Felix is sitting next to him and he catches my eyes and quirks an eyebrow. And for a moment, I think he’s on to me and my stomach drops, but then he cocks his head in direction of Sadie and gives me a congratulatory nod.

I manage to wrestle a thin smile onto my lips and shake my head. He shrugs as though he were saying, don’t worry, you’ll get her.

He used to laugh at Leon’s teasing.

I turn away from him and look around. We used to be divided into groups. Now we’re all one group, really. We mingle a lot and everybody at least sort of gets along with everybody else. Still, the outlines of these past alliances are faintly visible even now in the way everybody’s seated.

There are the Pretty Girls, sitting centred around Kim Elizabeth Schneider. Contrary to what her position in the class hierarchy might suggest, she was never a bully. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone who’s ever heard her say something remotely rude or unfriendly. She’s only joined us five years ago so she’s one of the more recent additions to the class roster and still, she’s had a huge impact on the community. I think she’s probably the main reason all of us get along so well. Maybe because around her it would feel weird to gossip and bully?

Her parents are rich and she throws regular parties at her house. And even outside of that, she’s involved in the organisation of most parties and social events. She’s also the class president, drags us on demos and starts fundraisers. She’s kind of our resident saint. All the boys used to be in love with her.

The Boys sit in the very back of the classroom, Leon and Felix in their midst. They define themselves by a mixture of sportiveness and pointed lack of interest in the class content. There are the Gamers, who kind of converge with the Boys but not completely – it’s hard to tell these days, really, the Smart Ones, a few Introverts. But really, there are no outsiders around here. I’m sure I could open several more categories, but with these, everybody has already a place.

I’m not even sure where I would place Henry and myself. We’re kind of part of the Boys, but also sit further up front and participate regularly in class so we’re also part of the Smart Ones?

The school bell rings and the teacher enters, introduces Sadie to the class. She doesn’t force her to come to the front or to say stuff about herself and as soon as she’s done, I see Sadie relax visibly.

I wish it were that easy for me.

But nobody says anything. Not during English, not during History, not during French, not during Maths. I keep mostly to myself in the breaks, watch as people come over to talk to Sadie and ask her questions and participate whenever addressed.

Sadie only leaves my side after Lunch, when we make our way over to the gymnasium to change for PE.

I’m well aware that I should be looking forward to this. Since a few days ago, I’m officially allowed to use my foot again so I can do all the stunts I’d been scheming about doing all summer long.

The fact that I barely care now only makes matters worse.

The moment the door to the changing room is closed, the others are all over me, asking questions about Sadie.

“How did you meet her?”

“Yo, when’re you gonna marry?”

“Never took you for such a playboy, Wells.”

None of the comments are exactly serious. But to each of them, it feels like there’s a grain of recognition, like they’re happy for me.

I force a smile and turn toward the wall to change. This is gonna be fun over the next months, changing with the boys. I’ll have to start changing in the bathroom stalls at some point. But right now nobody’s suspecting anything. At least, nobody’s saying anything.

I leave the locker room as soon as I’m done changing. It feels weird being in that room. Because of what I’m slowly but inevitably turning into. It makes me uncomfortable. Well, not that I ever liked being in that room. But that’s normal.

Our coach is waiting for us in the gymnasium. She rounds us up at the centre, tells us to sit in a circle.

Sadie emerges from the women’s locker room and sits down next to me, her shoulder briefly brushing mine as she does. Felix quirks his eyebrow suggestively. I give him the finger.

As soon as everybody’s sitting, our coach starts going over the curriculum with us. We’re going to start with gymnastics.

Exactly what I’d been wishing for.

Now, it’s not Olympic-style gymnastics, obviously. Both because we don’t have the equipment and because we’re not good enough. But it’s going to be… similar? Think balance beam, parallel bars, single bars and a box and a mini-trampoline for all sorts of vaults. The last one, as you can probably imagine, is the reason why I’d been looking forward to it.

Once she’s gone through the whole long list with us, Coach claps her hands and tells us to set everything up and start putting together routines. It’s not the first time we’re doing this, after all.

Henry and I warm up together with Sadie and a few others. Henry decides the order in which we do different stretches. As per usual, he’s quite thorough with it. Much more thorough than I would be on my own.

Sadie, it turns out, is incredibly flexible. She tells me that she wanted to be a ballerina as a really young child and started stretching in preparation. And then she just never stopped, even though her dream was shattered rather quickly by the reality of how much she had to move with her parents.

And then it’s time to start the actual gymnastics.

I keep off the vault box at the beginning. The boys are usually pretty adamant about keeping the trampoline where it’s supposed to be, at least at the beginning. Everybody always crowds around the trampoline. So instead I go to the parallel bars and turn them uneven. There’s a lot of fun stuff I can train on uneven bars. They’re quite similar to railings, after all. Henry comes along and together we put together a choreography that’s sure to get us a good grade once we’ve perfected it.

By the time we’re done, the crowd around the trampoline has thinned. The jumps have started to become more experimental. They’ve just changed away from a box they built up to be twice the normal size.

Once there’s an opening, I tell Henry, “Let’s try double kong,” and he nods. This is the only safe environment to train the vault after all.

There are a few curious glances as I drag the trampoline to the side.

Ben comes over as I’m pulling a second box in position.

“Are we gonna see something crazy from you today?” he asks with a grin.

Last year, I showed off with dash vaults; a jump where you jump over an obstacle with the feet first and only put your hands on the obstacle once most of your body has already passed over it. They know to expect something once Henry and I start setting up. I’d been betting on it.

At least one last time I can properly show what I can do before my body starts to change too much. Get respect for my achievements before they slip from my grasp again. It’s ironic. I started working out because of the hazing and now that I’ve reached my goal, the teasing becomes reality.

What a fucked-up reality.

Still, I give him a cryptic smile and say, “Depends on your definition of crazy.”

Not much later, a small crowd has gathered.

I’m going first. Henry always lets me go first. Guess he’s just not as much of a show-off as I am.

The boxes are really far apart and I realise that I should have started with a shorter distance. But that would reduce the effect. And once the people start to expect this jump to happen….

I rotate my arms in preparation for the jump. I’ve already done this in a much more dangerous environment. Just commit.

I take a few deep breaths, close my eyes, go through the motions in my mind.

I look at the boxes again. Then I nod.

I’m committed. I know I’m going to make it.

I walk away from the boxes until I have a run-up of about fifteen metres. The crowd hushes. Sadie’s among them. So are Leon, Ben, and Felix.

There’s a hushed rumble from their voices as I crouch slightly, preparing to take off. They’re trying to hype me up. They don’t know that it’s distracting, but it doesn’t break my concentration.

I’m locked in.

I stomp my left foot, then my right one.

“Three… two… one.” I say it in a relaxed voice, the others probably hear it only barely.

And then I take off. My left leg catapults me forward, my hands race through the air. My eyes lock onto the first box, I know I’m going to arrive with my strong leg in the right position.

The box comes closer, closer, closer still. My hands slam into the leather covering the top of the box, my left leg pushes off the ground as the other lightly kicks into the air and I take off.

I’m flying. For a brief moment, everything is alright again. I am fast. I am weightless. I am me.

Then the second box comes closer and I know that something is wrong. It is just slightly too far away. My stomach twists.

When my hands clap against the leather of the second box, my arms are just a little too far out. I push as hard as I can to carry my body forward, to be able to pull my legs past the box without catching my feet on the corner, but I know from the start that it’s a lost cause. My arms aren’t strong enough for a movement like that.

The momentum carries me onward and I tuck my legs in and then my left foot catches against the box and my form collapses. A split second later, I crash into the thick mat behind the box. It’s all I managed that the landing wasn’t face-first but sideways. It doesn’t hurt. Not physically, anyway.

Frustration makes my chest tight. I was going to make it. I’m supposed to be able to jump that kind of distance, my body knew that. But it couldn’t. Is that the virus already taking effect?

I clamp my mouth shut to keep from screaming.

They can’t know.

I sit up quickly.

Act casual.

Sadie’s the first at my side. “You alright?” she asks in a hushed voice and I nod.

“I’m fine.”

You’re a girl, Wellsie!

The problem isn’t just that I didn’t make the jump, though. It’s going to take a long fucking time before I can get myself to do a double kong again. Because now I’m in my head, now I expect it to go wrong.

Fucked-up.

“Bro,” Leon shouts, jogging over to give me a congratulatory slap on the back. “That was absolutely wicked!” He holds up his thumb and index fingers really close together. “Absolutely crazy that you almost made that. I’d so break every bone in my body.”

He’s obviously trying to cheer me up. Though I hope the respect, the first part, was genuine.

“I’m sure you’ll make it the next time.”

I get up and shake my head. “My wrist hurts a little,” I lie. “Maybe next week. Henry can do it, too.”

Henry really looks like he doesn’t want to do it. But when they start chanting, he gives in, takes position, and takes off. Without any preparation ritual. He takes off with a bang of his hands against the leather, rockets through the air, his body at a steep angle, easily makes it to the second box, easily turns himself upright again and lands casually on his feet. Then he quickly starts to take the first box away so the others can start jumping again, even as they cheer.

I spend the rest of class on the sidelines, nursing my ‘hurt’ wrist. Sadie offers to sit with me but I tell her it’s fine.

When the school bell rings, I’m the first in the locker room, the first to have changed, the first to have left.

Henry follows not much later. He’s in a good mood, he’s always like that after exercising. As he stops next to me so we can wait, he gets out his phone and reads something on it. Then he bumps me with his elbow to get my attention.

“Ben just announced a house party at his place the coming weekend. Are you in?”