The Objectively Most Rational Decision

-- Day 181 --

"Do you wanna watch another one?" my mom asked, stroking Ari, who was curled up next to her.

I yawned, "Uh... nah. I'm tired..."

In the efforts of spending more time together, as she said, my mother and I had started watching TV shows together every once in a while. Right now, we were watching some obscure show about an evil bald man who cooks meth (I kid; I was familiar with the memes).

She smiled, "Alright, Eris. You have that therapy appointment tomorrow, remember?"

"Yeah..." I paused, wondering if I should bring up what was on my mind, what I'd been mulling over for weeks now. I didn't even know if it had any merit, if there was any validity to the idea, or if I was just considering it for lack of any better explanation.

"Mom, do you think I'm autistic?"

She seemed taken aback. A moment passed as she searched for the words to say, "I- I never really... do you?"

I shrugged, "I dunno. Uh... well, I didn't think so, but someone told me I might be, and I started thinking about it. I did research, and I read about all the signs, and I even took a- a stupid internet test. I think I maybe possibly might be... um, autistic."

My mom started crying a few seconds after I said that. Slowly, at first, and then a rising torrent. She pulled me tightly into a hug which I had no chance to resist, and Ari evacuated the couch for less emotional pastures.

"What's wrong...?" I asked. Her crying was kinda getting to me, and I was worried I would start doing so too. She began stroking my hair.

"I just... I never thought- I didn't... oh, Eris, I'm so sorry. I... I'm such a terrible mother."

"Huh? It's- it's not like I have a diagnosis or anything, it was just a possibility. Besides, um..." God, this was difficult, I wasn't used to being so... open, "At least you never decided to abandon me and start a new family on the other side of the country, right?"

Her crying got worse. Fuck. Fuck, did I say the wrong thing?

"You shouldn't- you should never have had to go through that. I- what your father did shouldn't be your standard for the minimum of parenting. It was... you deserve better, Eris. So much better."

It was contagious, apparently. I sniffled. This moment was so... well, not exactly awkward. It was moreso. well...

"I love you, mom," I mumbled.

"I love you, Eris, so much..."

Wiping my eyes, I said, "I, um... should go to bed."

"Right, yes. Goodnight, Eris."

"Goodnight."

***
-- Day 182 --

The couch at the therapist's office - her name was Emily, by the way - was made of that scratchy, awful fabric that people seemed intent on using for couches. I never understood it; I'd always preferred the smooth, cool, leathery texture of actually good couches. The kind you could lie down on and feel good about yourself.

Looking up, my hands no longer pressing down into the fabric to confirm I disliked the texture, I finally continued speaking, "I guess I just... I've never had anyone like me before. I... there's a reason for that, obviously. I'm standoffish and weird and I get angry too easily. I don't get why he... somehow refuses to see all that."

"Never? Not even your parents?"

"Well my mom's kinda obligated to love me, she's my mom. Dad, well, dad definitely didn't like me... Anyway, I just mean, like, nobody has ever liked me on my own merits. I don't really... have those."

"Is there anything you like about yourself?"

The side of her office opposite to me was occupied by a bookshelf, densely filled with books too far away to make out the titles of, and a framed painting of a landscape. I intently studied the grain of its wooden frame.

"Uh... I guess I'm intelligent. Maybe. I... guess I feel like a fraud for saying that. I've never even finished high school, and I was failing my classes even before I was expelled."

"You were expelled?"

"Long story. Um. I just- it's like, so what, you know? I can recite some pointless trivia. Woohoo. I don't have any skills. I can't talk to people, I doubt I could handle a job, I'm terrified of going back to school and confirming I'm nowhere near as smart as I think, I- I-" I started hyperventilating, thinking about all the multitudinous ways I utterly failed as a human being.

Her desk was cluttered with the typical odds and ends one would associate with desks - laptop, pen holder, framed family photograph, Rubik's cube solved in a checkerboard pattern like some kind of show-off. I could do that. My left leg was shaking. I tried to stop it, but my right leg started shaking instead.

Fuck. She was gonna think I was so pathetic.

"Do you have a favourite dinosaur, Eris?"

...Huh? I was entirely caught off guard, but I couldn't help but consider the question, "Well, uh, it depends. Tyrannosaurus is a classic, I'm partial to just about any corvid, but if I had to pick anything it'd probably be... Hylaeosaurus."

"And why's that?"

"Well, it's kind of a silly reason, but when Richard Owen first named the clade Dinosauria, he defined it with three genera: Iguanodon, Megalosaurus, and Hylaeosaurus. Everyone knows the first two, but Hylaeosaurus is always forgotten about. I guess it's an underdog thing."

"That's very interesting, Eris. Thank you for sharing," she smiled, "It seems you're plenty smart to me, and you've been perfectly able to talk to me. I think you're giving yourself too hard of a time."

I considered a counter-argument, "But... you don't know me. You can't say that for sure."

"I don't know you yet, but what I see right now is an intelligent young woman who's too hard on herself. May I ask, how often do you experience panic attacks?"

"Panic attacks?" was she implying I had some kind of anxiety disorder?

"Something like what happened when you tried to describe what you liked about yourself. Do you feel it as something like a spiral of negative thoughts that's hard to pull yourself out of?

I shrugged, then thought about it. I supposed it was like that, in a way. I replied, "I dunno, maybe. It's like... I can never stop thinking. My internal monologue just keeps going at it, constantly, and it just gets stuck in loops. Then I freak out 'cause my brain is jammed and I ruin everything."

My glass of water, which I had been infrequently sipping from for the past half hour or so, was now empty. I looked through the warped glass down at the carpeted floor, picking out tiny pieces of lint with my eyes.

"I see. Eris, are you familiar with cognitive behavioural therapy?"

"Uh... sort of? Not really," I replied. I didn't think memes about silly acronyms really counted.

"Well, essentially, a goal here is to counteract those unhelpful, negative thoughts that get you stuck in loops, and replace them with positive thoughts."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, "What, like, 'sunshine and rainbows'?"

"Not exactly. Tell me: when you think something negative, like 'I can't talk to people', what do you think that belief is based on?"

"I dunno, 'cause I always fail at social interactions?"

"Always?"

"Well," I recognized my hyperbole, "Maybe not always, but I mess it up really often and weird people out and ruin the interaction."

"So, despite the fact you can successfully talk to people - you're doing so right now - you claim you can't talk to people. Do you see how it's an erroneous thing to tell yourself? Generalizing all your past experiences into a single net negative washes out the successful experiences, and something you need to keep in mind is that past failures are not proof that you're incapable of success in the future."

I watched the cars whizzing by on the street outside the second-story window of Emily's office. It was a major road, so it was twice as thick and a new car went by every second. I couldn't identify the models or whatever, but I noted the colour of each one that passed.

"Um..." I mused. I had to admit that some of what she said made sense, but these thoughts were just so... ingrained in my psyche. I had been self-loathing for literally as long as I could remember. It came as easily as breathing.

"Yeah, well, what do you think I can do about it?" I asked.

"You're not going to wipe out all of these cognitive distortions - those irrational things you tell yourself - in one day, but I'd like you to try something. The next time you think something like that, try to analyze the rationality of that thought. If you realize it's irrational, discard it and replace it with a more useful idea. For example, you can replace 'I can't' with 'I can try'."

Would that work? I had no clue. I could forget everything she said by tomorrow.

"Uh, okay. I'll try that."

***
-- Day 186 --

My phone dinged with a message from Quinn, informing me of my impending meeting with Sean fucking Murphy.

I groaned and rolled over in my bed. God, I'd only managed to fall asleep at four in the morning, and now it was the afternoon and I was fucking tired and I had to talk to Sean in an hour.

I wanted to call it off, so badly, but I couldn't. I'd just keep putting it off indefinitely unless I bit the bullet now.

What was he going to think? What would he say? How would he act? I completely fucking blew up at him. My mind was still boggled by the fact he even wanted to talk to me.

What was I supposed to do? Tell him I was sorry? Hell yeah, I was sorry, but somehow I didn't think that was gonna cut it. I called him slurs! I had a complete fucking meltdown! Ugh. I was such a disaster.

There were probably bags under my eyes. I'd bet I looked disgusting right now. I hadn't been taking care of myself, again. Depression sucked. For the past few months I had just wanted to hide myself in my blankets and waste away. Why did I agree to this?

I imagined Sean waiting there for me, realizing I hadn't showed up. Realizing that I'd never talk to him again.

Well, that made me wanna cry. So I couldn't do that. I needed to stop being pathetic. I needed to stop calling myself pathetic. I needed to be nicer to myself so I'd stop doing shit like this!

Why couldn't my brain stop running for a single fucking millisecond? No, I didn't get to be one of those people who don't think with words, I had to be one of those poor fools who had to deal with some new paralyzing thought every moment of every day!

Fuck! This fucking sucked!

I was getting pissed, and I wasn't sure at what. At myself? At my brain? At the fucking universe for making me exist? All of the above, probably.

Was I actually gonna do this, or was I just gonna wallow here forever?

Ares jumped on my bed with an accompanying 'mrrp'. I couldn't help but smile at him. Every single time he showed his little head, I was left in awe of how small he was. How could such a tiny, adorable creature like that even exist?

I was glad he was in my life, at least. I didn't think I could've handled the past few months on my own; he gave me something to care about.

"What do you think, Ari?" I mumbled.

He trotted up to my face. I kissed him on the forehead. He craned his neck up and bit me on the nose.

"Ow!"

The little bastard. I blocked access to my poor, sore nose with my hand, and he started licking that. I sat up. I could interpret that nose bite whatever way I wanted to, but I figured it'd be most useful if I took it as a push to get this over with already. No more self-defeating angst. Simple.

I hopped out of bed, as ready to meet Sean as I'd ever be. I just had to leave the apartment and there'd be no going back until it was done.

Well... first, I had to get dressed.

***

Quinn's directions led me pretty far away from home; I had to take the SkyTrain to get there. It was only when I actually did get there that I realized what it was.

Fricking Science World? I hadn't been here since I was twelve. It was this big science museum place to get kids interested in science and shit. There was a big, shiny dome on top.

There were people around. Shit. Whose idea was this?! Quinn had said Sean was near the water, but that didn't narrow it down much. It was literally built at the end of an inlet, and it was surrounded by a boardwalk, or whatever you call it.

I was expecting, like... well, I had no idea, but not this.

Cautiously, I meandered around the edge, one hand gripped tightly to the railing while the other shaded my eyes in search of Sean.

...There! I spotted him off in the back, staring into False Creek. I could recognize his not-so-ugly mug anywhere. I ran over as fast as I could - really, it was more of a speedwalk. I was not prepared to wear clothes like this - a nice lavender sundress - so publicly. I felt exposed.

"Uh, hi," I all but whispered.

He turned to face me at the sound of my voice, "Oh, um... hey. Sorry, I'm just... it's not where I expected to do this, y'know?"

Fidgeting with the hem of my dress - it was too short, what was I thinking?! - I chuckled awkwardly, "Yeah, I mean, what was Quinn thinking?"

"Do you, ah, wanna go and talk somewhere else?" Sean did the thing. You know what I mean. God damn it, it was cute.

I looked around. Back here was fine enough for me; there were only a scattered few people in this area. I was still anxious about it. I flatly replied, "Where?"

"Um," he also looked around, "Into the shade there?" he pointed.

"Okay," I mumbled, and followed him along.

Fuck! This conversation was so stiff, and not in a good way! Every muscle in my body was tense, because I had no idea how it was going to go. How was I supposed to say I was sorry?

"So... um..." he trailed off.

"Uh! How have you... been?" I asked. Shit. that was a terrible line. Obviously he hadn't been good. Quinn had said as much.

"I... look, Eris, I just... I wanna say that I'm not mad at you for what happened. I know you didn't mean it. It's okay."

That was so... wrong! He wasn't supposed to be the one acting all... all conciliatory! It was my mortifying fuck up. Allowing my mouth to run before my brain. If that was what I said without thinking, didn't that say something about what kind of person I really was?

"I'm... I'm sorry, Sean," I couldn't hold back the tears that threatened the corners of my eyes, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I don't know why I'm fucking like this. I... I'm an asshole to everyone, all the time. I tricked you into liking me, and then you had to see... well, my true colours. I'm sorry."

That fucking sucked. It hurt every time I had to admit to myself that I was so fucking mean and rude all the time, for no reason.

Out of nowhere, Sean pulled me into a hug. I almost let out an eep.

I didn't deserve a hug. I didn't. I didn't! Nevertheless, I leaned into it; I couldn't resist the simple joy of being held. God, I didn't deserve him. I doubted anyone did.

"Eris," Sean said. His voice was stern.

I hardly even heard him. Instead, I simply, insolently, enjoyed the warmth of his chest and the tightness of his arms around me.

"Eris. Please. Look at me."

I weakly turned my head up to face him.

"While there's... obviously things I missed, I'd like to think I'd gotten to know you a bit over the months we dated. You're smart, and you really care about things you're passionate about, and you're willing to try stuff, even if you don't end up liking it, and sometimes you act fucking ador-"

"Shut up, Sean," I couldn't stop a smile from making its way onto my face, but I had to put an end to this. I had to... I...

I had to... what? Tell him how awful I was? I'd already done that. Several times. What was the point of that? It clearly wasn't to change his mind, because that wasn't going to happen. It was just to... reaffirm my own terribleness to myself.

I thought back to what Emily had said. I was pretty sure this was an example of one of those thoughts, what she called 'cognitive distortions'. What was the point of continuing with this line of thought? I was just putting myself, ruining everyone else's mood, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

"Just... I'm sorry. Please accept the apology?"

He smiled down at me. I winced. He replied, "Alright then, Eris. I accept your apology. What do you wanna do from here?"

Several seconds passed as I calmed down, taking in the salty air of the ocean and the muffled noise from the city around us. I finally responded, "Um... you know, back when I was in middle school, I went here for a speedcubing tournament."

"Yeah? What's speedcubing?"

"Like, solving Rubik's Cubes really fast. Except nobody serious uses that brand, 'cause- nevermind, irrelevant."

He laughed, "It's okay, Eris. I like when you explain stuff like that. It's interesting. Really! How'd you do?"

My face flushed, but I continued, "Oh, I did awful. I only knew the beginner method, since I couldn't memorize all the algorithms for the final layer, and I never wrapped my head around F2L. Still, I didn't come in last, and it was really fun! That was enough for me. I knew I wasn't gonna win."

The conversation trailed off. I felt overwhelmingly self aware.

Sean spoke up, "Hm... how about we go inside? Look around, get more comfortable talking, see how we feel."

"But not like a date," I clarified.

"Yeah, but not like a date," he confirmed.

"Sure," I replied, "Lead the way."

Fuck. I still hadn't told him what I'd really come here to say - what I knew I'd have to beg for him to accept. I'd have to do it at some point... but it wouldn't hurt to put it off a little longer. I could tell him after.

***

"Why do children exist?" I asked Sean, as we exited the building.

He was clearly caught off guard, and laughed before responding, "Well, when two people lo-"

"No," I interrupted, "I mean, like... why are they like that?"

He looked over at me, "Like what?"

"...Like, they don't know anything. They're loud and obnoxious. Kinda smelly."

"You know, you were a kid once too."

"I wasn't like that. I already knew everything there. Then again, I was always kind of a genius," I smirked.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness," Sean bowed for me, "I didn't realize the depth of your intelligence."

"Shut up," I blushed.

"So you don't like kids?" he asked.

"Ah... not particularly. They're kind of annoying. Actually, I adopted a kitten recently," I smirked smugly, thinking about my dumb little cat.

"Oh?" Sean raised an eyebrow, "I guess it's just human kids you don't like, then. Can I meet your cat?"

He'd probably have to visit my apartment to visit my cat, and I doubted he'd visit my apartment if we were estranged from each other. I had to actually start this conversation, now. I took a deep breath.

"Right. Um. About that," I started, my speech stilted by words I was scared to say, "I think we need to figure out... us. What our relationship is, going forward. Do you ever... wanna talk to me again?"

"Yeah," he immediately replied.

"Hey! Think about it a little! It might be really awkward, 'cause of what happened, and I need to clarify that I'm... definitely not ready for a relationship right now. Mental health stuff. Y'know..."

"I did think about it," he said with a self-assuredness I sorely lacked, "and I want to be your friend. I like you as a person, Eris. I'm not gonna cut off any connection we had because you had a bad reaction to something. You live and you grow, yeah?"

Meanwhile, I was going to cut off any connection we had. After that disaster in his apartment, I was sure that I would never speak to him again. I was completely and utterly terrified of the idea. How could I say anything to him after I had said those things?

I had no reason to worry. He was Sean fucking Murphy. Gah! He was acting all cool and nice and sweet and cute, yet here I was, having assumed the worst of him. That he'd hate me.

"I'm sorry, again. Really," I sniffled, "I won't say anything like that again."

"It's okay, Eris. You're fine," he smiled, "I'm really glad we're talking again. Just friends?"

"Just friends, yes," I nodded.

"Well," said Sean, stopping to look me in the eyes. He held out his right hand and continued, "Wanna shake on it?"

I took another deep breath, and shook his hand. I couldn't help but notice how big it was compared to mine. Bad Eris! He's just a friend, that was literally what the handshake was about! I had no room in my life for romance right now.

Friends.

...I had no idea if I could just keep it at that.