The Objectively Most Rational Decision

-- Day 79 --

Did my face look different?

It wasn't like I had taken any pictures before I started taking estrogen - why would I ever do that? - so there was nothing for me to compare the image reflected in the mirror with except for my own foggy memory.

It looked different, but I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out how. Was my skin softer, my jawline narrower, my cheekbones more pronounced? I couldn't tell, and it bothered me. I knew I had to make sure not to have this uncertainty in future.

I ran to retrieve my phone from my desk, and then returned to the overbright white lighting of the bathroom. First, I attempted a picture facing straight forwards, with a flat expression. That made the most sense - a consistent, direct photograph would reduce any variables affecting my facial appearance, like how they take ID photos.

Upon review, however, I didn't really like how I looked. That wasn't anything new, but maybe a different angle would look better? I tried a three-quarter profile instead, and the results looked much nicer.

Still, something was missing.

While it would reduce the scientific veracity, I just wanted to see how I'd look. This would just be for fun. Exchanging my shirt for something cuter, I returned once again to the bathroom with a tube of mascara and a tube of pinkish-reddish lipstick. The lipstick wasn't so hard: just apply it and rub your lips together until it's all even. The mascara was more difficult - I had to make sure not to blink or I'd mess it all up, and it had a habit of clumping. I did succeed, however. Naturally.

This time, I looked really nice! Sure, I still had a couple pimples. And my hair was a mess. And my eyes seemed kinda tired. But... once I found the right angle to emphasize the feminine features of my face, I was almost pretty! An odd sense of giddiness welled up inside me at seeing myself look so much like a female. I never actually looked at my reflection when all dressed up before, too fearful that I would look terrible and have my confidence ruined. I didn't, though!

On impulse, and before I could think better, I sent my favourite photo from this impromptu shoot to Sean.

As I began to freak out over what I just did, I noticed something in my peripheral vision - or rather, someone. Apparently, all my cluttering around in the apartment had woken my mother, and she had been watching me through the wide-open bathroom door for who knows how long.

"Um... yes?" I awkwardly side-eyed her.

"Whatcha doin'?" she asked, eyebrow raised.

"...Taking pictures?" I replied. Fuck, this was so embarrassing. I should've closed the door - rather, I shouldn't have decided to take a bunch of selfies like some vapid teenage girl. I blamed the hormones.

"Hm. Okay."

What was with that smirk? Could she not just accept my words at face value? It was annoying. I didn't want to explain myself. I rolled my eyes and marched to my bedroom.

Before I could close my door, she had to throw in one last remark, "Ah... young love."

Slam!

I checked my phone: Sean had responded to what I sent. I grinned.

***
-- Day 84 --

This was a terrible idea. I didn't know why he even suggested it.

"This is a terrible idea. I don't know why you even suggested it."

Sean placed a hand on my shoulder - presumably in an attempt at reassurance. I needed no such thing. God, I should never have told him that my family didn't do Thanksgiving. There was really no reason to, considering my family was composed only of my mother and myself - I had a cousin who lived in Alberta, but I hadn't seen her since I was a kid.

Besides, it was a stupid holiday. Hello, yes, let's put you in a building filled with people you don't give a shit about and force you to eat bland bird-meat with them. What a fun occasion. I would never understand the minds of normal people.

"Do I really have to do this?" I whined. Asked.

Looming before me was a two story building that allegedly housed the parents of the guy standing close behind me. Yeah, imagine owning an actual house - how bougie. It even had a lawn.

Apparently, Sean found it inconceivable that I could go so long without celebrating some dumb holiday, and seemed to think I simply ought to go along with him to his own family's celebration. I probably could've said no. I definitely should've said no... but I didn't.

Because I'm an idiot, or something.

"Nah," he replied - I was nearly relieved, but he ruined it by continuing, "But I really think it'll be good for you to do something, y'know, social. Besides, my family's really cool! I think you'll have fun."

Clearly he didn't know me well enough. There Sean fucking Murphy goes again: with his perfect body that he probably never gets insecure about, his perfect school record with no detentions, suspensions, or expulsions, and his perfect family who likes him, complete with a dad that wants to have anything to do with him.

Some people had all the freaking luck.

"Ugh. Fine." I sighed. Feeling suddenly cheeky, I leaned back into his arms, forcing him to catch me. Heh. I got him hook, line, and sinker.

Sean chuckled, "Legs not working?"

"Nope." I mumbled. This was really nice. Why couldn't we do more of this instead of forcing me to interact with other people? Society.

I turned around to face him, and stood up on my toes to quickly peck him on the lips. We had done this a few times since that disaster in the park, and I had learned my lesson - I made sure to pop a mint while in the car. I think I was better at it now. I didn't have much to compare it to, but every kiss gave me some sort of... adrenaline rush. It didn't mean anything, by the way. I was just doing it to make him like me more.

His hands gripped onto both of my shoulders, "You can do this."

The closeness of our bodies was starting to get to me - a treacherous warmth was invading my face - so I extricated myself from his arms and affected an attempt at a smirk, "Of course I can."

I whipped myself back around and began marching towards the house with my head held high. I adjusted my thin coat - it was called a cardigan, or something - and took a deep breath. Confidence, damn it! I wasn't gonna be some boring loser anymore. I was gonna get out there and do things.

Things like meeting the family of Sean F. Murphy.

...This was a terrible idea.

***

It was going fine.

Sean had so far introduced me to his parents, who seemed nice, but his mother hugged me; one extant set of grandparents, who greeted me warmly; his kid cousins, who completely ignored me; the parents of said cousins, whom I had already forgotten the names of; and his older sister, who glared at me for no reason.

There was also a dog.

I was, needless to say, getting overwhelmed. I sunk deep into the corner seat of the living room's soft, fuzzy couch, on the opposite end from Sean. Rather than acknowledge the overwhelming amount of people around, I just stared at the family dog - big and black and hairy, laying down and slobbering onto the carpet. I'd always preferred cats: they were a lot less messy... and quieter... and cuter. Objectively better.

"So," asked Uncle Something-or-other, "how did the two of you meet?"

Fuck. Here came the thing I dreaded most: small talk. The bane of my existence - or at least one of them. I was in no mood to answer the question, though I remembered the day quite well: I was easily winning an intellectual debate with two of my more moronic classmates when Sean fucking Murphy decided to play mediator and ruin my day. A slight I would not soon forget, for I-

"Yeah, uh, we knew each other in high school, actually. Bumped into each other a couple months ago and, uh, y'know, we've been reconnecting. It's been good," Sean interrupted my recollection, then tossed a little smile in my direction. I established tenuous eye contact and attempted a smile in reply.

"Ahh," the uncle sighed, leaning back into the loveseat situated across from the sofa, "Well, I wish you two the very best. D'you remember when we met, hun?" he asked Aunt No-clue, seated next to him.

Tuning out the conversation now that the spotlight had passed from me, I shifted my focus to staring at the nearest interesting object. It had stupid messy hair. And stupid little freckles. And stupid lips that I wanted to-

The stupid face turned to meet my eyes, and I reflexively cast my gaze away. An increasingly-familar warmth was heating my face again. I excused myself to the bathroom.

Roughly two minutes later, I was ambushed in the hallway as soon as I left the bathroom. Why did this keep happening?!

Sean's sister - Quinn, if I remembered correctly - was glaring daggers at me with her back against the wall across from me.

"Uh, hi-"

"What's your game here, 'Eris'?" she spat.

I didn't like the way she said my name. My fake name. Whatever: clearly, she was onto me. I needed to play dumb, "Game? What are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb," she scowled. Well, shit.

"No, seriously," I doubled down, effecting a neutral affect, "I don't know what you're-"

"You think I don't recognize you?" she scoffed, "You tried to stab my brother, so sorry if I'm a little suspicious that you show your face again acting all kissy-kissy with him."

What? I hadn't even kissed him once since we entered the building. Ugh, it didn't matter: I needed to get her off my ass, because she was too close to figuring out my plan. I calmly replied, "Look, I know I made a mistake-"

"'Mistake'?"

"Mistake," I continued, "I understand I fucked up, but I'm better now. High school actually really sucked for me, but I'm trying to improve. I started transitioning and Sean just happened to be there when I did. I have no game, no ulterior motives, he just happens to be forgiving over past blunders and I happen to," this next part was gonna be hard to say, since it was so far off from how I actually felt, "well, like him. That's it."

She exaggeratedly sighed, "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, I guess. Don't make me regret it."

"Uh, yep, got it."

That was... vaguely terrifying. Relieved to be freed from her scrutiny, I retreated to the living room. The television was on, now, and playing something I did not care about in the slightest. I ignored it. Unfortunately,as I realized after staring dumbly at the couch for too-many seconds, Sean was nowhere to be found.

Maybe he was in the kitchen, or something?

I marched across the room to another hallway, where I bumped into Sean's dad. I hated him immensely. No reason.

"Ah, Eris, right? Interesting name. You know, it's been ages since my son brought a..."

I pretended to listen as he kept fucking talking, waiting for the monologue to end. I already knew what he was gonna say: blah blah blah, he was so proud of his son, blah blah blah. Lucky Sean. He gets to be someone worth being proud of. Ugh. Anger was boiling underneath my skin, threatening to burst at any moment.

Why did I agree to this? Was I fucking stupid? I'd get mad like I always did when I had to see people better at doing the life thing than me.

"I need air," I interrupted, to shut the man up as quickly as possible. To punctuate my point, I turned on my heel and strode out the front door.

I needed to be alone.

The weather on an early October evening in the Lower Mainland ranged from a bit chilly to utterly gloomy, and this one was far on the gloomy end. Fitting for my mood: dark gray clouds oppressively enshrouded suburbia while freezing winds pelted my light attire. Dress for the weather, moron.

Something loudly crashed from one of the other houses, but I ignored it. My eyes remained focused on the rhythmic motion of my feet hitting the sidewalk, one after the other. The cold air, taken in heavy breaths, was sharp in my lungs.

Trying to interact with people sucked. It always did. I was always left two steps behind, struggling to catch up to things everybody else could easily do.

There was something obviously wrong with me, down to my core.

I heard a cat yowl somewhere in the distance, followed by the sound of something metal falling over. Why were there so many noises around here? Couldn't I get some peace and quiet?!

"Holy shit. Eric?" a voice called from behind me.

I turned around. A guy was standing there who looked both familiar and decidedly out of breath. Did I know him from school? I couldn't imagine where else.

"Do I know you?" I deadpanned.

After pausing to take a breath, he continued, "Eddie? Remember?"

"Oh," now that he mentioned it, I did recognize him. Wait, wasn't he- I furrowed my brows and looked in the direction of Sean's parent's house, "why are you here?"

He ignored my question by addressing the elephant in the room - or street, rather - "Why are you wearing gi-"

"Why are you wearing girl's clothes?" I mumbled petulantly.

"I'm not."

I glared in the direction of a nearby hedge, "It's none of your business."

"Okay, probably something gross. Why were you at Sean's house? Didn't you... try to stab him?"

"Yeah. We're 'cool' now, though," I shrugged.

He squinted at me as though I had said something really stupid, "What, you show up in a dress and it's like nothing happened? Jeez," he paused, "Hm. I always knew there was something up with you. Guess you were really just a little sissy after all, huh?"

That fucking word burned itself into my brain, inflicting psychic damage. I didn't have a comeback for it, really, because it hit too close to reality for my liking. God, now I remembered how insufferable this guy was. I wanted to smack that smug little smirk off of his stupid face.

"Fuck you. At least I'm not some creep stalking my ex's house."

He scoffed in a really annoying, punchable way, "How do you- ugh, nevermind. My parents live across the street. I am visiting them. I am not stalking Sean."

"Why are you out here, then?"

"Because I saw you here in drag from the window, moron."

"Yeah, 'cause you were looking out the window for-" I cut myself off, finally noticing Sean approaching from behind the shithead. Great. I wanted to be alone and so far I was decidedly not fucking alone.

"Eris!" he called, then noticed who I was 'talking' to, "Eddie?"

"Hello, Sean," he smiled at him like he did nothing wrong. Snake.

"Hey," he did the head-rub thing, and I glared daggers, "Uh, how've you been?"

"Fine. What's with the, ah," Eddie waved in my general direction, as if I was some thing. My loathing seemed to rise exponentially.

"Eris? She's my- um..." he trailed off, clearly unsure how to describe our relationship.

"Girlfriend!" I finished for him, latching onto his arm to punctuate the claim. I shot an evil smirk at Eddie - that'll show him. Fucker.

Sean blinked in surprise, but went with it, "Yeah! We've-"

Eddie scowled and sharply interjected, "Seriously? Trying to wean yourself off the gayness by dating a tranny?"

Sean's eyes flashed with a hint of anger I hadn't seen from him since the mistake, "Dude, I'm bi, and don't use that word, it's really offensive."

"Bro, it's literally a sex thing. He gets off on being treated like a girl, and it's actually really gross that he's trying to publicly flaunt his fetish and force everyone to play along with it, I..."

I hated him. I hated him so much that I couldn't hear the bullshit words he was saying. I couldn't invent any response, any counter-argument: all I felt was rage. It was a familiar emotion. My typical response would be to lash out, directing my anger into violence - probably at his face.

I didn't want to be like that anymore.

I whirled myself around to face Sean, arms wrapped around his neck. This dipshit was obviously jealous that Sean was dating me instead of him, so I was gonna rub it in his face. I leaned up and planted a wet kiss on Sean's lips, slipping in a bit of tongue for extra effect. Eventually, I withdrew with a triumphant grin on my face.

Glancing over my shoulder at Eddie, who was standing there malding, I remarked to Sean, "Come on, let's go back inside."

Once we were at the front door, I questioned him, "Why do you even associate with that guy? He sucks."

He gave a pained grimace, and sighed, "I just... he can be sweet, sometimes, and, like, I know he has the potential to be a really good person, but he refuses to accept when he's wrong about something and he's got some really bad opinions from his parents and-" he paused, "I... I don't want to talk about it. Let's get dinner?"

I frowned, "Yeah. Okay."

...

"Girlfriend, huh?"

"Shush."

***

Wine was served at dinner.

I had never consumed alcohol before. Well, besides accidental sips and subsequent spit-takes of what I thought was water or juice when I was a kid (it was a particularly stupid habit, drinking from random glasses laying around the house), but I had never actually drank any. It wasn't like I ever got invited to parties, or was ever adventurous enough to try to get some for myself.

Sean - who was seated next to me - had a glass of water with his meal, which looked like far too much food for any human to eat in one sitting.

I looked back at the wine. An undeniable curiosity was welling within me. The most altered my state of mind had ever been was during the infrequent times when I got delirious from sleep deprivation on particularly long gaming binges. How would I act? The idea scared me, but I was beginning to feel anxiety creeping in from the overwhelming amount of people present at this dinner table.

I poured myself a glass.

The food itself was decent enough. I personally had specific tastes in the food I liked to eat, but there was nothing I found too disagreeable. The turkey was bland and took forever to chew - it could use some hot sauce - and the broccoli and carrots were just okay. The mashed potatoes and gravy, however, I cleaned up quickly.

The wine tasted... well, I didn't like it. It was like grape juice that went bad and had a weird aftertaste. I wondered if the neurological effects would kick in soon. To expedite the process, I poured another glass with my second helping of mashed potatoes. That should do it; I was getting really curious, now, about what it would do.

There were other people at this table - far too many, in fact, and the table itself was far too large. I had never eaten a meal with so many others before, but I had managed to very nearly ignore their existence so far. Until, finally, I became the target of conversation.

"So, Eris," Sean's mother spoke, looking at me, "Tell us about yourself."

That was a terrible question to be asked. I didn't know the first thing about myself that I could say, not really. I didn't do anything. What was I supposed to do? Lie? I wasn't particularly good at spontaneously telling lies, not ones that were meant to be believed. Fuck.

"Um," I started, making sure to do my best girl voice, "I'm Eris, twenty years old, uh... Sean and I went- went to high school together."

She continued the uncalled for interrogation, "And are you attending school? Working?"

None of the above. I couldn't say that, though, because then they'd all pity the NEET loser. I wished I had the motivation to get a GED or a job, but it was a hell of a pain to build up the slightest amount of it! I just wanted to work on the girl thing, for now.

"I- I, um, I-" I stammered, trying and failing to evade the question.

"She's trying to figure out what she wants to do for her career, right now," Sean answered for me. I gratefully smiled at him. He grinned back. I really wanted to kiss him.

"Oh, I understand, dear," Sean's mother smiled welcomingly, "Take as long as you need."

I only heard half the words she said, though, because I had gotten distracted staring at Sean fucking Murphy. God, I had never even kissed a girl, and now here I was kissing this guy all the time and, like, pretending to be his girlfriend. Was it even pretending? It didn't really feel like it, sometimes. A sudden thought popped into my brain: heh, I guess I ended up becoming the girl getting kissed. The thought was really funny to me, for some reason, and I even giggled a little bit.

I took another sip of wine.

***

"Okay," Sean laughed, glancing over at me before looking back at the road, "You've been staring at me for, like, five minutes. Is there something on my face?"

I giggled, again. "Bmeh?" I incoherently replied, before the words caught up to my brain, "Nah... I'm jus' lookin'."

I was pretty sure this was what being drunk felt like. I didn't really mind; it was kinda fun. And Sean was really hot. How could I ever possibly compare to him? I just wanted him to- I started bouncing slightly, up and down, in my seat, imitating the motion. I bit my lip and looked over at him again. I was his girlfriend. He was my boyfriend. The mere idea was intoxicating, even moreso than the alcohol.

"Oh my Godd," I mumbled, "I'm datin' Sean fuckin' Murphy."

He raised an eyebrow, "'Sean fuckin' Murphy'?"

"Yup!" I grinned.

He chuckled, but didn't respond. A few minutes later, the car had finally parked at its destination. I waited for him to open the passenger door, then fumbled with my seatbelt and stumbled onto ground, nearly falling on the pavement.

"Careful!" Sean said, grasping my wrist tightly. I felt my face get flush at the grip, and I stared into his eyes, "Let's get you home, yeah?"

I nodded, "Okie-dokie."

He laughed, again, "Drunk Eris sure is something else, huh?"

I blew a very eloquent raspberry. Latching tightly onto his arm to keep my balance, we eventually arrived at the front door to my apartment building. He fumbled with the keys I handed him, and I rolled my eyes, "The yellow one, dummy."

"How was I supposed to-" he sighed, and graciously unlocked the door for me. One staircase and windowless hallway later, we reached the door to my actual apartment. I frowned. That meant Sean time was over. Impulsively, I pulled him into another kiss - this one particularly long. I wanted to do it over and over, forever. It was awesome. How did I ever go twenty years without kissing?!

"Bye, Eris," he said as we pulled away, both grinning ear to ear.

"Bye, Sean. Love you!"

He blinked as if I had said something completely surprising, and he looked so stupid I had to kiss him one more time for good measure.

As I was doing that very important work, the apartment door swung open. My mother was standing on the other end, looking very tired and gawking at the both of us. An instant feeling of embarrassment swept over me, like I had been caught doing something I wasn't supposed to.

"Oh, hi Mom."

"Um. Hello. Who's this?" she asked, tilting her head at Sean.

"Sean. My boyfriend," I defiantly declared, nose upturned. I wasn't gonna feel ashamed about it, not tonight.

She squinted, like she just noticed something, "Eris, are you drunk?"

"No."

Sean betrayed me with the truth, "Yeah. I'm sorry, ma'am, I'd invited her to my family's Thanksgiving celebration and I didn't expect she would drink so much."

"I see. Well, thank you for bringing her home, but I think I need to talk with her alone, now. Have a nice night."

"You too."

The door closed with me on the mom-end, now separated from Sean by a door.

"So," she began, "Why is this the first I'm hearing about a boyfriend?"

I looked at the floor, "Sorry. I was embarrassed to tell you."

"Eris," she sighed softly, "You know I would never judge you. I love you just as you are."

I felt tears slipping from my eyes, "I know. I'm sorry I don't talk to you about stuff," for one last impulsive decision of the night, I pulled my mother into a really tight hug, "I love you and I apperci- apprecit- appreciate you!"

"I love you too, Eris. We're gonna need to have a talk tomorrow though, okay? You need to get some sleep. I mean, clearly you've had a big day."

"Yeah..." I mumbled, feeling the tiredness settle in. I could really use a nap right now. A really long one.

"Goodnight, Mom."

"Goodnight, sweetie. Remember to brush your teeth!"

I managed to fulfill the tooth-brushing obligation I had recently developed, then stumbled to my bedroom, and collapsed on my mattress with a great big sigh.

What a day, I thought, then immediately zonked out.