The Perfectionist

It worked! I was vibrating with excitement. It was just a few minutes after our first kiss, and my heart was still hammering in my chest. I was worried I'd push Isaac too far and undo all the work I'd done to get to this point, but I was quickly growing impatient. Tonight though….

I couldn't stop myself from giggling. I touched my lips and closed my eyes. I could still feel his lips. Just that memory had me feeling warm all over. I rubbed my thighs together. I already wanted more. 

At first I thought I'd lost my chance when I heard Isaac was moving away. That had been a big blow for me. Before that I always thought I would get what I wanted if I just waited long enough. Maybe he'd see the way I looked at him and come to me all on his own. 

I was being naive. If I kept waiting around he'd disappear, or god forbid get with another woman. It'd made him hate me more, but I couldn't help tattling a little when he brought other girls around. I remember listening through the door when he brought his first girlfriend home. There wasn't much to hear but quiet giggles and the occasional moan, but just that was enough to make me feel like someone had torn a hole in my stomach. It was at that point I realized the little crush I had on my big brother might be something more. 

From then on I did whatever I could to make sure he couldn't keep a girlfriend. Even though I know it's psychotic bitch behavior, it's a compulsion I'm borderline helpless to resist. I had other such compulsions as well, and they were developing quickly. 

I thought I could handle just hugging, but the torturously brief moments I had wrapped in Isaac's arms only made everything worse. Especially because I knew what it did to him. He'd admitted to it, and sometimes I could feel it for myself. Moments like those were a trial of self control, but I'd resisted. I didn't just want my brother's body. I wanted his heart too. 

What my parents did to him was unacceptable, I didn't know how he felt until that day I found out he was moving. I watched him all the time, but I didn't notice. When he pointed it out I realized how unfair it was. Mom and dad were hard on me too, pressure makes diamonds is what Mom said. But it was different for him. They treated him like a failure, I knew better than that. I knew how hard he worked to get the job he has now. I'd looked into it and saw he even had good career prospects, but he wasn't a doctor. He wasn't a lawyer. He wasn't making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year so he was a failure. 

After he left they badmouthed him constantly. All because he wasn't there to defend himself. It has culminated into a huge argument between the three of us. I wouldn't let anyone talk about him like that. That's why they hadn't come with me when I moved in. I'd spent the last few months constantly bickering with them. Especially after they told me I couldn't come and visit. Dad even had the bright idea to lock my car keys in his gun safe. If I had it my way I'd never go back. 

You might ask yourself how it got to this point. How do you fall in love with your own brother? It's because he's the only one who's ever treated me like an actual person. My parents doted on me to a degree, but I knew their love was conditional. I still remember telling them I wanted to be an artist when I was a little girl. The look of disgust on my mother's face is still etched firmly into my memory. 

“You have to get a real job honey” she'd told me. After that she took away all of my art supplies. I remember crying in my room after that. That's when Isaac came in. He held me and asked what was wrong. When I told him he just smiled and took me to his room. He didn't have the crayons or paints that I liked using, but he told me mom wouldn't take away pens and pencils. I needed those to study after all. After that we doodled on a piece of notebook paper until late in the night. 

He never treated me like a burden. Even when I'd barge into his room while he was playing games he'd get annoyed, but he let me stay. I always knew he didn't have it in him to tell me no when I looked upset. That's because he actually cared. 

He leered at me sometimes like the other boys, but every time I caught him I could see the guilt there. Even when I did so much to tempt him he did his best to make me feel comfortable. I found the way he averted his eyes cute. Thinking about it now made me smile. 

“You can look all you like Big Brother. I'm all yours” I whispered into the darkness. I hugged my pillow and gave it a soft kiss. I couldn't wait until tomorrow. I wonder how far I could get? Maybe I could get him to touch me. 

No no no. Elly that's too fast. You'll scare him. I groaned into the pillow impatiently. I needed to go to sleep. That'll make tomorrow come a little faster. I thought. I focused on my breathing and slowly relaxed. Eventually I fell asleep and dreamed of the day that Isaac would be all mine. After once you do something the first time it only gets easier from there.