The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer

I led the way through the darkened corridors, Starlight Grace in hand, yet although there were neither beasts nor monsters to hinder our path, that didn’t mean we saw no signs of them. 

The bars of the dungeon cells were bent and wrought, as though what they once held boasted more than magic at their fingertips. Here and there, darkened puddles which offered no reflection pooled in the gaps between the stonework, too thick and visceral to dribble through. 

An ominous warning. But one utterly wasted.

After all–

Pwam. Pwam. Pwam.

The sound of that relentless banging was far more menacing. 

We paused as a door like any other shook before us, slotted into the wall like a forgotten closet.

Unremarkable was an apt description. Had this door existed in the Royal Villa, it’d be precisely for the inconspicuousness, allowing a princess to sneak into the kitchens in the late hours of the night to examine the edibility of the next day’s shortcakes. 

Sadly, there was no confectionery waiting for me on the other side of this door. 

Only whatever ghastly fiend existed instead, its attempts to break through as loud as Coppelia’s excited smile as she turned to me. 

Frankly, I didn’t know what was more frightening. 

Whatever monster was attempting to escape. Or the fact Coppelia hadn’t yet had her fill of entertainment after dousing a death knight in the eternal darkness of a bucket.

“Sooooooooooooooo … whose turn is it?”

“Excuse me?”

“You know, to break down the door.”

I met Coppelia’s wishful mischief with an appropriate look of exasperation.

For one thing, I didn’t know we were taking turns! … If so, this wasn’t a matter of whose it was, but how many of mine had been blatantly skipped!

“Coppelia! We’re most certainly not breaking down this door! Quite aside from the fact we should aim to preserve our image in at least one new place we go to, neither of us have any idea what manner of horror lies beyond. So long as it doesn’t bar our path, I see no reason why we should assist in its quest for freedom.”

“It’s exactly because we shouldn’t that we should.”

The door shook again, gesturing on my behalf.

“Really now! I’ve the imagination of an artist and the free time of a princess. Yet even that combination isn’t enough to conjure up how that could possibly make sense.”

“Then imagine this–you’re a groaning horror with stitched up limbs and wonky eyebrows. Nobody says hi to you. Nobody shakes any of your multiple hands. Nobody even asks how you are. It’s all screaming and receptionists blasting your face and sweeping up your ashes. I bet the first person to be nice to it will earn unlimited free brownie points.”

“Are you saying we should befriend whatever monstrous aberration saunters forth from that door?”

“Why not? Friendship is magic!”

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously at Coppelia. She blinked innocently.

“I have never once heard you use such a disgustingly meadowy phrase. By any chance, rather than befriending, are you hoping to turn whatever comes out into some kind of terrifying cosmic hireling?”

“... Yes?”

Hmm. That changed things. 

Naturally, as my loyal handmaiden, Coppelia deserved her own minions to see out her tasks more efficiently. But for her first hireling, it was highly ambitious.  

“In that case, I fully understand your wish. But a shambling horror is unlikely to possess the flexibility required to stomp louder than necessary whenever they walked past the guest quarters and quieter everywhere else. That’d be terrible for all.”

“Oh, that’s okay~ I’d probably just ask it to do something else. I only need help against the horse.”

I was aghast.

Why, it was only normal for my retainers to fight over me, but if one started hiring goons to commit sabotage, then so would the other! … And I had no idea who would win!

“Against Apple? What for?”

“Daisy spotting. Everytime I see one I like, it's already being chewed. I cry shenanigans.”

I nodded.

“Quite a problem. And one you’ll need to handle without expanding your workforce thoughtlessly.”

“Boooooo~”

“R-Really now! You can direct your dissatisfaction at your future hirelings instead. The ones you shall pick with due care and a thorough assessment before firing them on a whim, or else they may return not as a pleading servant, but as a grievance.”

Pwam. Pwam. Pwam.

Indeed … just like whatever creature sought to escape its confines.

I knew not how many eyes it had, but I knew how many complaints it had to offer.

In fact, I’d scarcely felt anything so filled with dissatisfaction. Enough that for a moment, I wondered if a kindred spirit existed behind that door.

Bwam!

And then I stopped wondering as the door wobbled before bursting open.

Its hinges defeated, the door came crashing down–and so did a woman shaped like a caterpillar, her arms, legs and mouth bound with rags. 

For a moment, she gave a low groan as she lay upon the hard cushion that was her own fallen door, the plume of dust still billowing around her.

It wasn’t until several seconds had passed that the woman craned her neck and peeked up, her eyes wincing through the illumination directed from my sword.

A moment later– 

“Ugggghhhhh.”

Her mouth widened irrespective of the gag around her mouth.

A groan of deep seated suffering, doubtless from the hurt her body had just endured.

Indeed, she was practically rolling in pain … all the way back into the room she’d escaped from. 

“Ah!” said Coppelia, pointing excitedly at the fallen mess. “It’s Miss Racy Corset!”

I gasped, all the while shining a light on her rolled up form even as she pitiably snagged herself against the door handle and failed to escape.

It … It truly was her!

Mary … Marin … Marinara! 

And in a far more dishevelled state than we’d last seen her. A notable feat, considering how she usually ended up when faced with Coppelia’s scythe.

Clap.

One which now returned with a vengeance, summoned from the darkness yet again. 

The shadows swirled around its silvery form, undiminished despite the battle it’d fought only moments ago. With a twirl as needless as it was beautiful, Coppelia allowed the blade to sing as it windmilled through the air.

Madeleine’s eyes widened.

But only for a moment.

Her brows suddenly furrowed as magic formed in her hands, but the spark which appeared was no more than the panic of a new servant desperately lighting a hearth I’d purposefully doused beforehand just to assess how well they handled unbearable stress.

Coppelia hummed, taking her time skipping towards her. 

Like a maiden taking in every blade of grass in a meadow, she circled around Maria’s fallen figure with her scythe swishing around her, its tune only less merry than the humming she was making. 

After a moment, she settled on a spot to the side, gazing down at the prone, defenceless mage with a weapon as capable of severing bindings as they were limbs. 

Coppelia decided on something worse.

She kneeled beside the stricken woman. Her scythe hung overhead like a lantern shrouded in a dark fog. Margaret paused her squirming and warily eyed it, but Coppelia was nothing if not flexible. 

And she possessed far more ways to induce regret than with a scythe.

Shorn of any inkling of mercy, the clockwork doll struck with the cruellest weapon she possessed.

“Tickle, tickle, tickle~”

“Mmgh!! Mmghh!! Mmmnnffhhhumhumhuhmum!!”

Fear turned to defiance, and then defiance to horror as Coppelia reached with her free hand and began tickling the side of her torso, her underarms, her midriff and the back of her knee. 

“Mhhumhumhummhuhmhum!!”

Stripped of her last layer of dignity, Marmalade could scarcely hold back her unwitting laughter as Coppelia happily tickled away. A cruel moment of reverie, far harsher than any sentence to be imposed.

After a moment, Coppelia hopped before the mage and her increasingly horrified expression. She sweetly leaned down until their noses almost met. The scythe lowered with her as she offered a smile as bright as the gleam from the silvery blade.

“5,087 gold crowns as an initial fine, followed by 15,476 gold crowns per day to a maximum accruement 546,747 gold crowns over 35 days. How would you like to pay?”

“Mmmngh!! Mnnngghghhh!!”

“Nope, you know how this works~”

“Mnnghhhghhh?! Mnngh!! Mmmnghhnh!!”

“Eh? What’s that? You’ve already returned it? I don’t remember you giving it to me. But even then, it wouldn’t be enough. You need to pay the fine as well. My time is important, you know? Because I was looking for you, I couldn’t do other important things. And let me tell you, I didn’t find a single crêpe stall anywhere in the places you led me.”

Suddenly, Coppelia’s smile took on an altogether scarier hue as she straightened her posture again. The scythe lifted from the ground.

“But no worries! If you can’t pay the full sum in one go, we have a wide range of odd jobs available by which payment in lieu can be agreed. Like swabbing the deck of a ship in a bottle. Inspecting the moss on a carnivorous treant. Teaching Odo the dodo how to fly. And also washing dishes.”

I was mortified.

To think that an available method of restitution was to clean tableware … like a commoner! 

How … How cruel! 

True, this woman very much was a commoner already … but that only meant her life was already hard enough! She hardly needed to be reminded of her poverty and low status!

“Coppelia, wait.”

I shook my head at the proceedings.

In truth, endless queries raced through my mind at the sight of Matilda’s reappearance.

But right now … all I saw most was the dishevelled and rolled up state of her.

As a princess, I could not remain silent.

“There is an order to things,” I said as two pairs of contrasting eyes looked at me. “Just because this mage has gone from making embarrassing speeches of ultimate power to instead perfectly mimic a hibernating caterpillar does not forego our responsibilities to decorum.” 

Maisie flinched. 

Clearly, she’d been through quite the ordeal.

Yes, indeed. There was time for questions. But other matters of importance came first. And so as the defenceless woman desperately tugged at the door handle now stuck against her bindings, I sheathed my sword and adopted a kindly expression as I approached. 

She paused, her ire stilled by the warming smile which filled her vision as I joined Coppelia in kneeling before her fallen figure.

Indeed, before we could question her, we first needed to ensure that etiquette was properly followed.

Thus, in keeping with royal protocol, I gently reached out, prodded her several times, then raised a hand to my lips.

“Ohhhohohohohoohohohohohohohohhhohoho!!!”

Here it was!

The most important part of a princess’s official duties!

Ensuring those who stood as my foes also grovelled as my foes!

“... My, what do we have here? I see your talents are in the wrong place. You should be an actress, not a mage. After all, for one able to manipulate fire to be bested by mere rags is a notion as unbelievable as it is scandalous. To instead lie in wait, offering such a convincing display as a carpet in the pivotal moment before it’s unfurled is an act of theatre beyond anything I’ve ever witnessed. Your powers of enchantment have truly risen. Why, I’ve never been as spellbound as I am now … ohhhohohohohooho!!”

My mocking laughter reverberated throughout the corridor, echoing more than the clashing of any weapons. A groan met me as the woman rolled her eyes, futilely attempting to remove the sight of me.

It didn’t matter.

She could no sooner escape my gloating than a croissant from Coppelia’s tummy.

“Hmph.”

A huff of indignation met me.

She made no attempt to speak, latching onto her dignity instead. The entirely wrong approach, of course. If she wished to claw back her pride, then she merely needed to pay her taxes.

A problem. She was significantly in arrears. But she could always start now. 

Beginning with all that she owed me and Coppelia.

I rested my cheek on the back of my hand.

“... I must say, of all the mages I expected to see awaiting rescue, a fugitive wasn’t one of them. Ah, could it be that you sought to consort with the troublemakers here? Were you cruelly betrayed by your own kind, I wonder? How odd that they deemed it appropriate to obey at least one law. Did you manage to irritate just the right person that the reward for your arrest appeared greater than assisting whatever middling scheme you planned to unveil?”

“Mnngmh!! Mmmgngh!!!”

Suddenly, she reacted with renewed protest. 

I didn’t hear the words, but I understood the sentiment enough. 

Marzipan had enamoured herself with the wrong person. 

I wasn’t the least bit surprised. The world was filled with unsavoury individuals. And they all gravitated towards each other like flotsam washed up on the same beach.

Coppelia turned to me with an enthusiastic smile.

“Oh boy, this is great. Can we keep her?”

“She’s not a pet, Coppelia. She’s a dangerous and wanted fugitive.”

“I mean, so is Henry the crab. We still like keeping him around.”

For a single moment, I almost considered inquiring about this wanted crab.

Almost.

Instead, I offered the woman who was doing her best to pretend we didn’t exist a final poke in the cheek, before settling on the important topic at hand. 

How many bars of soap she’d be crafting, and how in the next few moments I’d pretend she could reduce this number.

“Very well, Miss Marinara. It’s clear to me that it’s no coincidence we find you here at the same time and place that a magical calamity is seen overhead. I believe an explanation is in order.”

Thus, I leaned forwards and tugged at the knot tying the strip of fabric against Marigold’s mouth. 

It fell away. 

Still, no words met me as she looked up. 

All I saw was the burning indignation written upon her face as I waited to hear an explanation regarding the exact nature of this disaster, how she was related, how she intended to fix it, and which animal shapes she was particularly adept at carving.  

The quiet lasted only a moment.

“My name is Marina! Why … Why is this so hard for you?! Where does Marinara come from?! Do I look like something you can eat with pasta?! Twirled around a fork and sprinkled with cheese?!”

Coppelia and I looked at each other.

“Eh … sort of depends what type of cheese.”

“I agree. If it’s not a grana padano, I’d rather consume the pasta water.”

The door careened with the strength of the sudden wriggling against it.

“You … You will regret this! Pretending to not know my name is neither funny nor witty! It is petulant, childish and utterly devoid of humour! Marina! It is not complicated! Ma-ri-na!”

I gasped and covered my mouth.

“Truly? … In that case, I offer my unreserved apologies! I can be quite forgetful, you see.”

Eyes narrowed in suspicion looked towards me.

“Yes, well … if by chance you’ve actually forgotten, then I suppose I can let this be just one time … so long as you absolutely do not forget it again!” 

“Of course. I shall ensure I’ll remember from now until the future.”

“Good.”

“… Now, is that a Marena with an ‘E’ or a Maryina with a ‘Y’?”

Miss Racy Corset lowered her face onto the wooden door beneath her.