The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer

It wasn’t often my worst expectations were met.

It was rarer they were exceeded.

Here upon the topmost floor of the Royal Institute of Mages, I bore witness to a scene of devastation beyond what even I imagined mages or liches were capable of. 

Amidst the remains of armoured knights once bound with magic, and golems arrayed as pebbles ready to jump into the back of my heels, I saw the scars upon the walls where swords and fists had valiantly sought to defend my kingdom’s dignity. 

They’d failed. For as I peered down a corridor littered with the remnants of their loyalty, I saw what they sought to destroy instead, still waiting with contemptuous ease.

Lime upholstery.

Lime.

Not olive green. Not pastel green. But fruit slime green, bright and zesty.

“The situation is even worse than I imagined,” I whispered, raising a quivering hand to my mouth. “Why, a lich lost to power and undeath seeking to paint the world in darkness was one thing … but this?”

I cared not for the sofas protruding from the walls, the chairs stuck to the ceiling and the chandeliers entirely replacing doors … much! 

… But to sign off on corduroy the shade of vomit?!

As far as first impressions went, this was as dire as a swaggering nobleman joining the soirée with wine already running down their chin before the first of our loyal servants had even accidentally tripped over them! 

The absolute disrespect!

Nobody was this senseless! This … This could be nothing but a challenge!

“It appears I’ve taken this too lightly,” I said, frowning as I stared down the corridor of fallen defenders and murdered dignity. “Why, I’d merely thought this headmaster to be mad with power. Instead I see he’s just mad. We’ve no idea how far this man is willing to go. We must stop this lunatic at once!”

I waited for the chorus of agreement to sound behind me.

I heard weird breathing instead.

“Haah … haaaahhh … haahhhhh …”

Behind me, the Marina Express doubled over, hands to her knees.

Sweat exited her every pore, while her cheeks were flushed with every shade of exhaustion. And no wonder. Even looking at the state of the cushions dangling upon the sofas was enough to test the limits of one’s sanity.

“Heh … I did it …”

Despite her exhaustion, Marina wore an expression of undiluted pride.

I expected nothing less.

Having ferried me all the way up the many flights of stairs, her quivering smile was filled with the joy of someone whose back was touched by a delicate princess. 

Indeed, the fact that she managed to lift me all the way here despite the stuttering nature of her magic was a testament to my soothing aura, barely noticeable weight and the constant, never-ending feedback as I audibly tutted to every tiny bump!

“Wow~” said Coppelia, as she kneeled down to observe the joyful face of our mage. “I can’t believe you carried her up all those steps!”

Marina snorted, the movement sending droplets of sweat down past her legs.

“Heh … that was … trivial … haaah … woe to all … who underestimate my … magical acumen … aahh.”

“I mean, it feels like your magical acumen sort of died at the end there and you were just carrying her normally.”

“Hah? … That is a lie … I simply failed to properly … calibrate for the final 2000 steps …”

Coppelia turned to me with a wide smile.

“I think you should make her your official mule!”

I was inclined to agree, just as much as I knew the profusely sweaty mage would.

… However!

“I offer a provisional 6.5/10.”

“Eeehh, if that wasn’t at least a 7/10, I don’t know what is.” 

“I’m afraid such a score would require at least 5000% fewer bumps.”

“Hmmmm~ I’m not too sure if that’s possible. I mean, you’re going into negatives at that rate.”

“Exactly. When I’m being hoisted upon a back, I expect to feel like I’m floating upon the clouds. Especially when carried by a mage capable of wielding the elements.”

“I mean, she carried you while talking constantly about setting you on fire and despite gasping for every breath. That’s seriously impressive!”

“Entertainment is only a bonus, Coppelia. The basics cannot be ignored. A clown is no good if they can juggle balls but not stare silently all day and night at the Granholtz Embassy from a darkened window directly opposite the ambassador’s office, all the while our guards are instructed to pretend only he could see it.”

I shook my head.

“... No, should she desire repeat customers, she’ll need to properly account for comfort, speed and something else I’ve yet to decide but am still harshly judging her on. While it’s true she successfully bore me up more steps than I’ve ever looked upon in my life, there’s only so much leeway I can offer for this being a trial service.”

To my mild grief, Marina wasn’t even listening. 

Here I was, offering impartial advice for this new business venture, and she was instead smiling zanily into the abyss! If she wished to earn payment for her services, then she needed to take in my princess feedback!

“Haaahh … my improvements … to my [Cloud Step] … were a success … to think I could … carry someone with a weight of–”

“O-Ohhohooho?! M-My, what’s this, my crowns are spilling from my bottomless bag! Goodness, what a conundrum that they should find their way into your pockets and–Coppelia, no!”

“Wooo~ free money!”

Marina raised herself and sucked in a deep breath. She wiped the sweat from her forehead. It reappeared almost instantly.

Ignoring the crowns as they began randomly falling to the floor and then into Coppelia’s pouch, she made it clear from the zealous glint in her eyes that no matter her fatigue, she had clearly not forgotten the reason she was here … which as far as I understood was a single-minded pursuit to rid the tower of someone who’d imprisoned her into the shape of a caterpillar.

A noble goal.

“The headmaster’s chamber is ahead. I’ve proven my will. Now it’s time for you to prove yours.”

“Excellent. I gather from the way you’re making no more attempts at movement that you don’t intend to follow?”

“There won’t be any issue even if I don’t. You’re at full stamina, no? You can throw ducks or insult that imbecile as you please. However, since I have little faith in your ability to improvise a solution out of this encounter, I’ll see to the headmaster in my own way. You might be able to watch, provided you don’t turn to a gelatinous goo within two seconds.”

I raised a hand to my lips, ensuring she caught every bit of my smile.

“Ohohoho … a gelatinous goo? I look forward to it. To thoroughly relax is a reward I deserve. But only after I’ve returned to my actual bed.”

A look of complete non-understanding met me as I turned towards the corridor. I had nothing but pity for her. She only knew commoner beds. And none of them were comfortable enough to turn me into a fruit slime.

Thus, I made my way forwards, skipping past bits of furniture riddled with the holes of whatever magical moths resided in this tower. As I ducked beneath a chair and stepped through a chandelier, I was accompanied by the humming of my loyal handmaiden, her pouch now jingling with extra crowns I’d soon be requesting back.

“Soooooooo … what do you think? Will Miss Racy Corset still be there later?”

“I’d be astounded if she wasn’t. She may be a poor schemer, but she’s an adamant one. Until a duck is thrown in her face, she’ll see through her endeavours even at her own expense.”

“Great! Because I’m definitely meant to extort money from her. And since she probably doesn’t have 576,747 gold crowns, that means tossing her into the mysterious black window I’ve never once officially shown you.”

“If I query what that mysterious black window is, will you answer or laugh dismissively?”

“Ahahahha~ I sure love not having my head bonked by revealing secrets someone with super strong scrying powers can instantly see!”

My response was to pirouette, sending my frown in every direction.

“Whoever this curator of yours is, he has no right to even prod your cheeks, much less … bonk you. As my handmaiden, you’re afforded much the same respect as myself, if not the comforts or the limitless wealth.”

Coppelia joined me in swivelling around for the sake of it.

“Oh, it’s okay. I was warned about the bonks.”

“That’s appalling. Threats should be alluded to, not spoken of beforehand.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure mine’s in the job description. As in, actually written down. I’m not sure where I left mine, but it’s the same threat of bonks for all the assistant librarians.”

I paused for a moment.

Hmm. How odd. Despite how I chose not to think about her role as an assistant librarian, that didn’t magically make the fact go away. Usually, that’s all I needed to do as a princess.

“Indeed, the matter of your job description is clearly a persisting issue. And one I’ll need to see to in due course.”

“Oh boy, I can’t wait to see that conversation. From a distance. Like, really, really far.”

“Really now, there’s no need to fear for your curator’s behalf. Yes, I might smuggle my books for only 250 gold crowns apiece, but just because I’m a cutthroat negotiator doesn’t mean I lack an understanding heart. I’m certain something can be arranged, providing you yourself are in agreement.”

Coppelia merely smiled, just as she always did. Yet as she skipped beside me, she also held out her hand and admired the Spring Queen’s jade ring.

“Hmmmmm … I’d like to eat more apple strudels~” she said, seemingly to herself.

I simply nodded.

If it was apple strudels she wanted, I could bribe … offer them by the crate. All it took was a wave of my hand and any notion of holiday allowance for my kitchen’s patissiers.

Eventually, we came to a stop.

Amidst the greatest wreckage of broken armour and shattered golems, the most demure thing to stand before us was a simple wooden door with a plaque. The lettering was faded, as though scribbled enough decades ago that time was now wearing it thin. 

But more than that, it was the many dents that made it hardest to read. 

 

Headmaster’s Office

Alberic Terschel

 

I leaned in and squinted, before clapping my hands in delight.

How wonderful! Even if the letters were illegible, the palpable aura of malevolence seeping from beneath the door was all the words I needed. It was enough to send knights reverting back into quivering squires. But I was a princess. And this was nothing against the shadow which permanently darkened the faces of my tutors.

Just like then as it was now, brawn would not see this day won, but intelligence, patience and the judgement to know when to make the unsubtle escape through the window.

And so– 

I smiled at my loyal handmaiden, ignoring as she began stretching her leg.

“Now, watch closely, Coppelia.”

“I’m watching, I’m watching~”

“Here’s an important lesson. When treating with an opponent who’s either wealthy or powerful, see not what they are now, but what they were before, for those vulnerabilities still remain hidden beneath the façade like sneezing allergies to be exploited.”

“What if an undead lich doesn’t have any allergies?”

“Ohohoho … why, then he’ll learn the importance of having one, just so he can excuse himself from the next princess to cross his path. Despite what Mari …”

“Marihulahoop.”

“Despite what Marihulahoop says, we shall defeat him using nothing more than guile, charm and diplomacy, instilling in him the folly of his ways.”

“Okie~” Coppelia gave a bright smile. “Want me to break the door?”

I gasped.

“Coppelia! We’ve done exceptionally well so far! Nothing has exploded and the only door which has been destroyed wasn’t even by our own hands. This is an unprecedented streak. We cannot willfully shatter it for no reason … but we can remove this door as part of the upcoming renovation.”

The clockwork interior decorator nodded cheerfully.

Her swing was already in motion.

“[Coppelia Kick]!”

Bwam.

Contrary to other doors, this one didn’t shatter.

Instead, it broke cleanly from its hinges, smashing into the opposing wall to a cacophony of noise and dust. Whatever existed on a mantlepiece now existed everywhere at the same time. Bits and pieces to match the fallen golems instantly rolled in every direction. 

Amidst the proportional destruction, I searched for my opponent in the coming war of wits, ready to display a dragon’s acumen and a princess’s virtue.

A moment later–

I covered my widening mouth.

It was a sight more horrific than any undead monstrosity.

“C-Coppelia! … Why is there a man naked down to his loincloths?!”

My loyal handmaiden gave no answer other than to immediately retreat several steps. A wise choice born out of terror for what this public exhibitionist might do next.

He had more than a dozen robes strewn upon the floor as though in the midst of doing away with all the different garments he was unsatisfied with.

For a moment, he only blinked at the door now partially lodged into a wall … before breaking into a jovial smile towards us, arms raised in welcome as he abandoned any thought of clothing himself.

“Ah, my compulsory intruders! And just on time. Welcome to–” 

“[Spring Breeze]!!!!!”

Pooomph.

Coppelia returned to my side, hand raised to her brows. 

She hummed while studying the newly appeared hole in the wall.

“... Say, do you want me to keep a record on how far you punt naked humans?”

“No.”