The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer

A lich in the flesh. 

Or the bones, as it were.

Rising with all the grace of a furious drunkard in the corner of a bar, the headmaster’s skeletal figure appeared less like an undead spellcaster of legend and more a carcass freshly abandoned by the rats.

Soil and debris leaked from the sockets of his eyes and onto the tattered green robes. In his hand, a lime green light glowed as the worst shade of death on offer. In his other, he gripped his still unmarred book, the sheer dullness of its cover extinguishing even the flames from a [Meteor].

There was much to be said about the horrors that liches entailed. 

An amalgamation of blood sacrifices and dark ambition. They were the uncrowned rulers of the undead, with malice as their sceptre and pestilence as their cloak. 

“Gwaaaaaaaaaaah!”

This one was no different.

Kicking aside the flaming rubble with a cry of anguish, the headmaster in his true form turned his eyeless gaze towards where Coppelia and I stood. And then he raised the hand aglow with the only colour to match the vomit of his robes.

“I have had enough! I am officially erasing your souls from existence! This impertinence ends now!”

He readied to hurl his spell.

Coppelia and I returned the gesture in kind.

As she readied her scythe for a leaping strike, I held up Starlight Grace. Its light shone into the crevasses of the lich’s bones, revealing the ribbons of darkness squirming within. The magic flared in the lich’s palm, his only choice which of us he wished to strike first.

And then–

Pwoooosh.

He collapsed.

Surpassing all the undead incarnations of terror to come before him, this particular spellcaster of legendary evil became several hundred spellcasters of legendary evil as his bones promptly separated. 

Seemingly having used all the magic available to him, the various pieces of him scattered over the rubble.

At once, the ribbons of darkness swept amidst the fallen pile. Bones rattled together as they immediately sought to rebind once again. In mere moments, a silhouette of darkness was formed, and like paint upon a canvas, so too did the bones, joints reattaching as the lich swiftly began to regenerate.

I gasped.

“C-Coppelia! … Now is our chance!”

“Mmh~ I got it!”

My loyal handmaiden’s brows furrowed in a rare show of seriousness.

Then, with our weapons raised, we leapt forwards at once.

Unwilling to allow this lich’s moment of vulnerability to pass, both my sword and Coppelia’s scythe met the forming silhouette, our weapons a haze of starlight and moonlight. Again and again, we sent the tips of our blades against every bone as they sought to join together. 

In mere moments, I could feel the beads of sweat threatening to fall from my brow. Such was my desperation, a heaviness I’d never known before weighed upon my arm as I forced myself to strike as fiercely I could against each individual bone. Coppelia’s scythe moved swifter than I’d ever seen, all thoughts of lackadaisicalness gone as she swept her weapon with furious abandon.

Until eventually–

“My unholy gods.”

A skull’s socketless eyes calmly gazed at us.

From his elbow.

Coppelia and I stepped back, peering at the work of art we’d created.

Feet, shoulders, hands, legs, knees … all randomly attached in a perfect representation of modern art, the chaotic construction of pokes and prods symbolising the inherent struggle in maintaining physical appearances against the backdrop of our inner discord. A thought provoking piece questioning the purpose of reconstructing ourselves ad infinitum.

But the true centrepiece was the skull. 

We’d attached the tiny bones of the fingers to it, forming impromptu spectacles and a passable goatee.

There was no reason for that.

The title of this work:

A Remade Façade.

Coppelia and I silently observed our masterpiece.

And then–

“Ohhohoh… ohohoho… ohohho!!”

“Ahhaha  … ahahah … ahahaahaa~”

Our laughter rang in harmony, drowning out the sound of the nearby flames.

For a moment, the lich did nothing but stoically remain silent, accepting the humiliation with more grace than he’d shown himself capable of thus far. As our laughter continued to ring out, he optimistically attempted to move. 

Instead, he almost rolled down the mound of rubble.

“Ohhohohohoho!” I pointed unnecessarily at the lich’s skull, incapable as he was of looking away. “My, what do we have here, Headmaster? I can’t tell if I need to fetch a chiropractor or an exorcist! Why, your posture is as poor as a gargoyle! You of all people should know the importance of sitting up straight! Goodness me, if this was a bad day to interrupt your scheming, you should have told me! I had utterly no idea how utterly disjointed you were feeling!”

Two eyeless sockets stared at me in response, bereft of amusement. 

“... Are you done?”

“No … ohhohohohohohoho!”

The lich said nothing, patiently waiting as my laughter fluttered all around him.

After several moments passed, I sucked in a deep breath, then offered a polite smile.

“Headmaster. You appear paler than before. Do you suffer from anaemia, by any chance?”

Another moment passed.

And then–a sigh.

“An astute observation. But you needn’t worry. I’ve always had poor circulation.” 

“A symptom of stress, no doubt. You appear to have lost your hair.”

“An occupational hazard.”

“My, that’s terrible … have you considered breathing exercises?”

Despite the face being absent, the deep look of fatigue could still be seen.

“Once, actually,” he eventually answered, his tone as relaxed as he could manage. “Academia is nothing if not a test chamber for ways to induce anxiety. Sadly, breathing exercises were wasted on me. Much better instead to do away with the need entirely. I was able to focus my mind in ways that merely setting fire to my distractions failed to do. The tower had a natural echo, you see. Once it’s rebuilt, I intend for more windows.”

I nodded, more than happy to agree where it was due.

“An excellent suggestion. Windows will not only allow us to see who’s attempting to overstep their role, but also offer an exit when they do.”

“I’m aware that was meant as a jab, but I believe it’s important to note that nothing I’ve done is beyond my job description. As headmaster, it is my responsibility to nurture magic in all its forms.”

I duly pointed to somewhere over the distance.

“There is a circus of mages currently squeezing copper crowns from mothers and their infants. The only thing you’ve nurtured is the next generation of hoodlums as they realise that fraud is more profitable than any role the kingdom will offer. How will you take responsibility once you’ve turned to ash?”

“Mostly by not becoming ash. Something I thought I was very glad to have avoided.”

The lich wriggled his skull and elbow slightly, eventually moving enough to peer all around him … likely because that’s where his chamber now was. 

“A [Meteor],” he said, his voice filled with all the begrudging respect his face now failed to convey. “The velocity, the heat, the magical output–and the technique. Miss Lainsfont cast a spell that would normally require the sort of build up which gets half my apprentices killed. How fortunate that I could witness, no … experience the flames of the Witch of Calamity in person.”

The lich paused. 

“Thus, despite my unfortunate state, I offer my gratitude. I won’t deny I’m relieved to find she has a time limit on her powers. For someone merely born with the correct blood to supersede my decade long effort at lichdom would have been too galling. I feel satisfied in my evaluation that as excellent as blood and flesh is, in the end, there’s a reason why bones stand the test of time.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“Yours appears to have failed the test of a single evening.”

“Failed?” The lich scoffed, his head jiggling from the effort. “Please. I withstood a [Meteor].Something I’m normally not inclined to suffer through.” 

“To the gall of us all. That was your exit cue. And I’m afraid your next one will be far less impressive.”

The headmaster let out a low chuckle. 

Without his face, it sounded marginally more authentic. 

“And why should I seek to exit … when the show has only just begun?”

I rolled my eyes as much as that statement deserved.

“You’ve no flesh, no wits and no ticket. This performance is very much over.”

“Yours, perhaps. But not mine.” He turned vaguely towards my sword. “Go ahead, girl. Use that stick to thoroughly render me down to my individual phalanges. I dare say this is your only chance. My defences have been stripped, courtesy of Miss Lainsfont’s singular effort. Not only do I have no wards active, but I’m required to use all my magic simply to prevent collapsing just to be ridiculed again.”

He leaned slightly forwards, as much as he could while stuck to an elbow.

Somewhere, the faint outline of a smile could be seen.

“After all, I have already won.”

“Indeed, Headmaster. You have won a meeting with me. A grand prize unworthy of the worst anatomy student in the kingdom. I hope you savour this moment while reflecting on the nobbly shape of your knee.”

A veritable hiss came from the skull.

“Do you think this is over? Peer up at your doom, girl. You have done nothing. You have achieved nothing. My spell remains unbroken, my plans undelayed. Your struggle is futile. For me, this is only the beginning. But for you, this is the end. So raise your sword and destroy me. I am a lich. I’ll return in short order. And when I do, I will happily step over your ashes forgetting you ever existed. You cannot survive the dark horizon. Only I can.”

I leaned slightly forwards. The lich did his best to turn away.

“... Is that so? And yet as terrifying as unspecified doom is, I intend to approach it as I always have. By punting it over my wall.”

“There is nothing to punt.”

“And yet I see something indistinguishable to me from the caterpillars that plague my bellflowers. I can afford to be indiscriminate. Especially if doing so means fixing that stain in my sky.”

Suddenly, the lich laughed.

A hoarse, choking laugh filled with all the malice of a creature of his low-standing and oddly shaped toes. 

“Ah, the bliss of ignorance,” he said, the amusement filling his voice. “One I’ve no desire to humour. So listen closely to this lesson in your barbarism. Despite what you may think, this is no giant fireball ready to fall upon this kingdom. No, it is the culmination of nigh on a century of magical research. The most progressive theories of multiple schools all perfected and rolled into one. A spell which once cast, cannot be stopped … for it is the [Eulogy Of The End]. And it is a door.”

The skull nudged his chin upwards, gesturing high overhead.

It wasn’t needed. 

Whatever that blot was, it was more than sunlight it consumed. Already, the last flames were fading from the tower, even as the thing which absorbed it remained as dark as this lich’s absent soul.

I cared for none of that. Only that it was scrubbed away. And this lich still had hands. Somewhere.

“... Is that it, then? All this just to summon a black poodle?”

The sound of a tongue clicking met my ears.

“This is not a poodle I am summoning, girl. I do not wag a finger to call forth a lost toad. This is an invitation, for the one being called can only be requested. As I said, I’ve an important meeting. And I do believe this tower and all the secrets I’ve gathered will make a fine first offering.”

My mouth widened in disbelief.

“H-How dare you! Everything in this tower has been officially requisitioned by the kingdom! You do not have the authority to offer a spoon! Especially to whatever stray cat you hope to lure!”

Once again, the laughter resounded, harsher and more bold.

“You are not too far away there. For the statues of her often depict a panther wandering in the shadows.”

Ugh. Commoners.

He spoke with a note of finality. As though that was supposed to be the curtain raiser on his scheme.

Far from it. There was endless symbolism in the world. On heraldry and banners. On cups and napkins. Every animal had been seized for use by some noble house and shop merchant’s sign. None but my roses and the flag of my kingdom held any meaning.

“I’m afraid there are strict controls regarding what cats may be brought into the kingdom. We currently have an epidemic, and far from causing rodents to scatter, they only seem to breed.”

The lich’s skull swayed. A hint of joy amidst the blank expression.

“Then I’ve little but poor news,” he said, the laughter still tinged in his voice. “For with her comes all that scurries in the shadows. It is no scorching calamity I bring to this kingdom like you brought to my office. For in fire, there is light. What I bring … who I bring encompasses darkness. The darkness.”

Prwoooooosh.

The sound of a sweeping gale fell across our field of burning rubble.

All at once, the flames were extinguished. The night engulfing my kingdom deepened. 

As though the world was eclipsed a second time, only the light from my sword, Coppelia’s scythe, Coppelia’s excited smile, and Coppelia’s lack of concern lit where we stood. 

And then–

The last of the infernal was snuffed from the tower. 

At once, that black abyss pulsed in the sky, writhing and thrashing like a creature bound. A creature whose vast silhouette was even blacker than the cage which held it.

“... I’m afraid, my girl, that no adventurer’s grease can help you slip through this noose. You cannot destroy me, or else I’ll return. You cannot not destroy me, or else once I’ve untangled myself I’ll disintegrate you, as I’ve tried to do 3 times in the past second alone. You also need me in the chance I may save you. Something I’m very disinclined to do. This is quite the riddle. And one you cannot solve. You have no answers. And as of now, you also have no time.”

An elbow gestured towards the inky canvas, painted with the first outline of a colossal figure.

“Tremble, foolish child! And behold your folly in these last moments … for I have invited an aspect of divinity! A shard of a goddess! A glance from the deepest below! I have created a door wide enough for a sliver of the celestial! And the one who awaits my appeasement is none other than Lady Umbra, Goddess of Darkness, Mistress of Shadows and Sovereign of the Night!”

I covered my mouth at once. It did little to hide the widening of my eyes.

I … I could scarcely believe it.

And yet as I took in the sight of that blossoming shadow high overhead, there was no denying the overwhelming feeling of power, of majesty dribbling through that hole in my sky.

This was horrifying.

… Now peasants were inviting deities into my kingdom?! 

The … The absolute chagrin! 

There was a process! One so long and convoluted that no bored divine goddess would ever receive the letter lost amidst the mire of inefficiency and bureaucracy! 

My kingdom’s ailing postal service was good for one thing and one thing only, and that was ensuring I had a credible excuse for when the marriage proposals I never replied to continuously went astray! If we wanted to invite a divine being, we’d use that!

“The Goddess of Darkness!” I threw up my arms in exasperation. “Truly? Who’s next? Her sister? Her cousin? … Her commoner cousin? Why not invite the entire pantheon? If I’m suddenly setting the table for one immortal aspect of divinity, I may as well see to them all! Why be inefficient with my courtesies? If nothing else, it’d be an excellent reason to bring out the good plates for a change!”

I waited for a reply.

It never came.

I glanced to my side, puzzled at the lack of agreement … or joyful clapping from Coppelia at the prospect of insulting a goddess with as many faux pas as she could speak. 

However–

While I found her bright turquoise eyes and beaming smile, it lacked the usual animated quality which came when she spotted an opportunity for mischief.

Indeed … her smile never budged.

She was as still as a servant after accidentally making eye contact with me. 

“Coppelia … ?”

I waved my hand before her.

I was stunned she didn’t voluntarily smack her face into it.

Fearing her cogs had jammed, I instantly did what any learned princess would do–and poked her.

Poke, poke … poke, poke.

There was nothing.

As I offered her the poke of life, the only response I received was silence. 

And not only from her.

As I turned my attention to the jigsaw lich, I found that he had opted to offer me the gift of quiet at last. But not through suddenly realising our gulf in status.

No … he’d been silenced for the same reason as Coppelia.

For the same reason as the wind and all that it touched.

Turning around, I took in the sight of the grass, motionless as the fallen rubble. I saw the rising smoke as a still cloud. I saw the last vestiges of flames smouldering in the rubble locked in their last moments, like wisps of a candle waiting to be extinguished.

Time had turned to a standstill. 

And the only hand which moved was me.

I took a few steps in a small circle, Starlight Grace raised. My eyes naturally went towards the great silhouette forming against the blackened sky. But if this was a prelude to entering a reception no goddess was invited to, then it was a debut I was yet to see. 

Even the darkness was frozen, its tendrils calmed at last.

The world stood still. 

… All except for a single motion in the corner of my eye.

I turned, Starlight Grace held at arm’s length. And what its light revealed was the sight of a commoner sitting upon the tip of the fallen tower spire, as casually as a sailor upon the bowsprit of a ship.

He offered an unassuming smile as he met my gaze.

I narrowed my eyes.

A face I did not recognise … but his wares I did, bundled in a crate precariously beside him. 

For how many merchants had I seen selling unseasonal hats upon the roads I travelled across my kingdom?

“Hats,” said the hat merchant, gesturing almost apologetically. “I’m selling hats.”