The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer

There were the things which crawled in the dark. 

And then there were the things which thrived in it.

Devils.

Beholden to laws only they understood, they were both the monster in the dark and the saviour who would keep it at bay. Offering bread in one hand while setting fire to the almshouse in the other, their deceit was as much in the words they spoke as those they did not.

But what they didn’t do was overstate their power.

Enigmatic. Powerful. Cunning. 

They were the rulers of a land partitioned by malignance. 

Wielding their own brand of infernal magic, they were a force so great that when they approached the surface, the very world squinted to push them back down.

Yet here one was. 

A devil in the flesh. 

One powerful enough to brush aside the weight of providence’s ire. He’d broken through the soil, worms and all, drawn by the allure of a soul so pure that chapels barred the door at my passing presence, each fearing themselves too unclean to welcome me.

And he was now motioning like a head jester waiting for applause.

“... Is this a formal offer?” I asked, studying the hat merchant’s candid smile.

He inclined his head.

“Naturally, Your Highness. It is an offer made in good faith. You shall want to know the details, of course. But rest assured, I do not write in small prints, but words as large as a dragon’s handwriting. My offer is exceptional. And all for a cost measurable not in crowns, but in seconds.”

“Very well, then I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it. Now, try again. This time with wings and horns.”

“Excuse me?”

I waved vaguely in the hat merchant’s direction. One whose appearance would barely earn him a wrinkled nose, much less an infernal contract.

“Come now, an offer and not even a hint of what lies beneath? I don’t know what to be more unimpressed by. Your proposition or your presentation.”

The devil wasn’t perturbed. 

Far from it, he was already in the midst of a good-natured chuckle.

“I fear it would be poor manners to alarm the locals with horns and wings, to speak nothing of the terrible rumours that would surround you like a flock of crows. So as tactless as it is to approach a princess with anything less than my most flaming doublet, I try to dress appropriately as a guest.”

“A wasted effort. You are no guest of mine. No more than any goddess is.”

He raised his hands almost apologetically.

“Yet you only have one sword. And it will avail you against neither. Fortunately, I dare say that between Lady Umbra and myself, I am far more accommodating.”

I did a random rolling motion with my pinky. 

The devil betrayed a blink of confusion. What it meant, I had no idea. I was just copying Tristan.

“Not accommodating enough to approach me without a suitable backdrop in mind, either. Is this truly it? My first unsolicited approach by a devil … no horns, no wings … not even a pipe organ ominously playing the same 5 notes in the background?” 

I twisted around, hands lightly flinging my disappointment in all directions. 

“Where is the chorus of singing imps? The lounging succubuses in scandalous attire? You bargain with me in a field of rubble. It can be much worse. And by that I mean better. Where is the table laden with blood and cheese? The spiked citadel engulfed in hellfire and lava? The barred windows lit by a storm of scarlet? I must say, I am deeply unimpressed.”

The hat merchant stared for a moment.

And then—he laughed.

Not a chuckle born of appropriateness, but a laugh so raucous he had to catch himself. And so for a moment as passing as a shrew between my freesias, I saw a devil uninhibited.

He gave a small cough, expelling a tiny whiff of flame like a dragon’s wheeze.

“Ahem … my apologies for that. But I regret I’ve neither a spiked citadel nor barred windows, for ramparts and obstacles make for a poor customer experience. What I do have, however, is a comfortable palace. And to mine, you are cordially invited.”

I waited for the snapping fingers. 

To my surprise, it never arrived.

“... Goodness, is this restraint I feel? Or perhaps a law where you cannot steal away princesses as the fae so enjoy doing?”

“The fae operate by their own rules, Your Highness. Which is to say, however they feel. They are the incarnation of chaos. I, however, prefer a more civil approach to things.”

“Luring innocents under the guise of a merchant, then?”

The devil puffed out his chest. 

“This is no guise. I am an excellent merchant. I can trace all my wares to their source, and thus can guarantee the quality. When I offer my additional services, I do so under no veil of deception. To all I speak, just as I do now, I present myself as what I am. A devil of the hells. And that means only those who wish to enter my abode may do so.”

He gave a wave of his hand. 

Fwooosh.

Flames engulfed it for less than a second. But it was enough.

Beside us, an open doorway appeared, the gushing light from within bright enough to usher away the darkness, joined by a hanging signboard swinging like a lantern overhead.

 

The Emporium Of Crowns.

 

I read it and raised an eyebrow.

“Your palace appears to be a shop,” I pointed out.

“The finest shop,” replied the hat merchant with pride. “A house of wares, yes–but not like those you see manned by freckled sons or my drooling competitors down the infernal road. No, mine is no stuffy cellar with a window thoughtlessly hammered in. It is the Emporium Of Crowns. And it is my abode.”

He motioned towards the doorway and smiled.

Balancing without issue despite the lack of adjoining walls, it was a window to another world … or in this case, the hells.

A realm of frozen flames and smouldering ice, of vivid darkness and sombre light. 

Few ever saw that corner of the abyss. Even fewer survived to recount it. Those that did painted an image lifted from maddened nightmares, choked out between ceaseless sobs and night sweats.

I duly leaned forwards and peeked through.

A vast chamber of fashionable walnut greeted me, lit by golden lanterns and furnished with comfortable boutique chairs, tea tables and mirrors. A spiral staircase carpeted in violet and gold silk captured the eye. All around the walls, display shelves greater than wardrobes waited to be perused.

And upon all of them–

“Hats,” said the hat merchant simply. “Hats for all occasions and all parties. Hats for farmers. Hats for devils. Hats for princesses. By all means, enter and enjoy. I’m certain something can be found to suit your tastes.”

Whatever horrors I expected, I didn’t quite expect it to be this.

Straw hats sat beside tiaras inlaid with emeralds, each sharing the same distance and respect. As I leaned to the side, all I saw were the endless rows of shelves climbing ever higher, with hats, headpieces, helmets and crowns glimmering with a mirror polish.

I studied the chamber before me, then turned away, my moment of curiosity sated. 

“Thank you, but I decline.”

“Without even a cursory browse?”

“As much as it’s amusing to think of the damage my angelic nature could do by stepping into your abode, it’s not a hat I wish for. It’s the absence of numerous unwelcome guests. Yourself included.”

A chuckle answered me, then a casual wave that swept both the door and sign away. 

The darkness returned, led by the smile of a devil with far more optimism than someone who resided so deep beneath the soil should possess. 

“Your wish is my wish. I’ve as much desire to take up your time as you do to entertain me. So allow me to state this. I am an ardent admirer of your work. You are nothing if not a beacon of unorthodox solutions to unorthodox problems. But this–”

The hat merchant flicked towards the dark silhouette above. For just a moment, it almost seemed to move, shuddering like a boulder against its own weight.

“–is not a problem. It is the end. Know that you’ve nothing on your person that can destroy either the spell the lich has cast or the shade of Lady Umbra. I will do what you cannot. And in return, I request your assistance in matters concerning my shop for a mere few minutes.”

I rolled my eyes.

“An even more devilish ploy than I expected. To recruit a princess as a shop assistant for even a few seconds will doubtless be all that’s needed to see my soul naturally depart. That is your goal, I take it?” 

The hat merchant leaned back, a look of feigned shock upon his face.

“Good hells, no. Why would I wish for such a thing? Yours seems to fit quite snuggly where it is. I’d never dream of parting an unwilling soul from its body. Which is why I make my offer with only your best intentions in mind.”

Snap.

He clicked his fingers. And this time came flames.

Infernal flames, burning so bright that it not only forced the darkness away, but compelled it. 

They gathered in the air, bordering a scroll of parchment unfurling like a canvas. But not one that was blank. Already, the lines of searing letters were sweeping across, each stroke illuminated like fresh branding upon cattle.

“I wish to preserve your family’s longevity,” said the devil, his fingertip directing an invisible quill. “Furthermore, I wish to preserve your kingdom. And most of all, I wish to preserve … Your Highness?”

The scribbling came to a pause. A note of puzzlement flickered across the hat merchant’s expression as he eyed my finger held up.

“Pipe organ,” I said simply.

“Excuse me?”

“Truly now, do you mean to leave things half-hearted? Your first speculative offer was one thing. But you cannot possibly summon an infernal contract dribbling in flames without at least something mildly ominous playing in the background.”

“... Your Highness, I should state that despite stereotypes, it is not customary to summon background music when negotiating the minute details of a contract, particularly in regards to pipe organs. They are very loud. It is seen as unprofessional. And also gaudy.”

I leaned forwards.

“Pipe. Organ.”

The smile of the hat merchant became very fixed.

And then–

Poof.

With all the subtlety of a sneezing elephant, a majestic pipe organ appeared.

Equipped with several layers of silver tubes and brimming with scarlet and gold embellishment, it was less a musical instrument and more a thief’s retirement. 

As the first pipes began to move, a long note of sombre melancholy played in the air, before it was joined by a chorus of notes as poignant as they were indeed very loud. 

“Will this suffice, Your Highness?”

“No. I want flames.”

Fwooooosh.

At once, newly lit braziers appeared atop the instrument, enveloping it in a mantle of flames.

“And bats.”

Fwupfwupfwupfwup.

A flock of bats swept out from behind, disappearing amidst the blackened sky.

“Now increase the echo.”

Immediately, the depth of the notes were raised, enveloping my ears from all directions.

At last–I nodded.

“Very well. Please continue with the offer I have no intention of agreeing to.”

The hat merchant inclined his head, as politely as a steward returned from fetching something I didn’t even care about that I’d accidentally punted into the lake of blood piranhas.

“As I was alluding to, I wish to preserve all the souls who reside within this fine kingdom … and that includes yours as well. Thus, I write as clear as hellfire that I, the devil, shall commit no harm to the client during the allotted time promised to me … as declared in subsection 1.02(a).”

Fwump.

Suddenly, the scroll became longer. 

Much longer, falling into a heap upon the grass, flames and all.

“... Furthermore, in matters explicitly pertaining to the soul, please see 1.72(b)(vii) stating that I will not extract, chisel or otherwise attempt separation of the soul without the client’s written permission. As per 2.21(d), I can call upon the client’s assistance at a time and manner of my choice, but of note is that in 3.04(c) I also declare I shall reserve no right to compel the client to act against her will when I do so. You may, should you choose, sit and insult my wares for the duration of the 11 minutes and 6 seconds.”

His fingertip stopped. And then he looked at me, as though waiting for my approval. 

Or perhaps my understanding.

“These are the most prudent points concerning your state of wholeness. I cannot harm you, not compel you. It is an offer where only I stand to lose, trusting in your famed charity and sense of benevolence instead for assistance. Regardless, as declared in 4.1(a)(iii) I shall prevent Lady Umbra from imminently laying waste to your home with all the added benefits I previously mentioned. If this is not to your liking, we can make amendments regarding your personal wellbeing or any point which draws your concern. The devil is in the details, after all.”

I studied the litany of digits, numerals and text.

Then, I nodded.

“You appear to have missed something.”

The hat merchant smiled amicably, professionally ignoring the fact I didn’t look at all.

“Of course. What would you like added?”

“Soap.”

“... Soap, Your Highness?”

“There is nothing about the provision of soap.”

“I see … do you wish for me to provide soap? In addition to thwarting the doom of your kingdom, dismantling the schemes of a lich and soothing the temperamentality of the seasons, then?”

“No, not an addition. It is my only request.”

The devil paused. 

All of a sudden, the centuries of intelligence derived from a life of machinations in the scheming hells swirled behind his eyes as he contended with a foe whose mastery of wit and the subtleties of wordplay was beyond his comprehension.

“I don’t understand.”

“I want soap. And not only provided, but crafted. You will make it with your own hands. 100,000,000,000² should do. In return, I shall offer the feeling of productivity. A rare and rewarding sensation beyond the fulfilment of any overtly devious scheme you hope to achieve.”

The hat merchant’s smile never faded.

“Your Highness. In case you believe me to be anything less than fair, know that this is a genuine proposition I present. I would not dare waste your time with anything less.”

“Yet it is my very time you desire, for that is beyond the value of any gilded straw hat you sell. And I do believe you’re already in arrears.”

“Then allow me to make amends. You have several problems. And I am your all-in-one solution.”

“… Several problems?”

In response, I gently raised a hand to my lips and smiled. 

But I didn’t laugh. Not yet.

A lich, a goddess and a devil all walk into my kingdom. 

There was a punchline there. And when it was ready, I would ensure they all heard.

“… Please do not insult me. I am a princess. And I have an infinite number of problems. They scurry, crawl, burrow and breed, nibbling on the very bark of my apple trees. And I’m rather afraid I lack the ability to distinguish between one pest and the next. For all rodents are equal in my eyes.”

The hat merchant’s smile curled ever higher. 

A bout of amusement as he too saw the humour in any suggestion that I would trade a second of my time to dispel even a handful of innumerable dangers my orchard faced.

“Yet I dare say that of all the terrible problems, not all threaten the same degree of permanent destruction. Lady Umbra is a being of divinity. Do you truly believe you can defeat a goddess?”

I leaned forwards and smiled. The devil leaned away.

“The question you should be asking, hat merchant … is can a lady defeat a princess?”

All I received was silence.

For a moment, the devil joined the blades of grass he had stilled, his figure unmoving.

And then–

The darkness falling as the curtains closed, the contract vanishing alongside that flaming pipe organ. 

The hat merchant took a step back, signalling the end of the conversation as clearly as his ensuing bow.

“... Another day, another offer,” he said with only a tinge of regret. “But know that should you find yourself at the end of all things, my humble shop will always be open to your custom, Your Highness.”

“Thank you. But your attempts at wrangling a signature from me are wholly unnecessary. When the end comes, my kingdom will exist as the last garden of sanctuary.”

I sensed the smile beneath the bow.

The next moment, I felt the brush of wind playing at my hair and the side of my face. 

I heard the clapping by an excited clockwork doll, the cackling of a lich filling the air … and the sight of a silhouette without an end as it filled the widening chasm overhead. 

The Goddess of Darkness was approaching.

Yet as I craned my neck up and blinked, it was not eternal night which filled my sky.

It was light.