The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer

A stream gently fell down a cascade of stones like miniature waterfalls.

It was a picturesque sight. As night lowered like a curtain, a twilight canvas began to mix. Although the last streaks of sunlight had dipped across the horizon, the warm hue of dusk still remained, peeking between the oaks of a charming stretch of forest.

Having failed to ferry me away at any speed whatsoever, Apple was now attempting to make amends by draining the region’s water supply. 

A noble goal. Because while I wasn’t certain if the receptionists left behind at the tower needed sustenance, it would at least prove an inconvenience when they were forced to explain as everyone else searched far and wide for a well why they alone didn’t need water to survive.

Only souls.

And mine was the most delectable they had ever nibbled on.

A-rank.

Despite the quaint surroundings, all I saw was darkness.

Using nothing but the use of limbs nobody else seemed to possess, I now found myself in the greatest crisis of my young life. And all because I had forgotten one important thing.

The Adventurer’s Guild was, at its heart, a glorified tavern.

Of course, it was a given that anybody who occasionally wandered outside instead of massaging their chin in the bottom of a keg would through sheer accident rise through the ranks. Given enough time, even a fruit slime would eventually sound the entire second movement of Herschel’s Violin Concerto, No. 2 in D major, Op. 7.

And I did more than merely wander outside. 

I travelled the length and breadth of my kingdom.

Even so, I could not have predicted the sheer contempt they displayed to their own bureaucracy. At every turn, the mire of rules and regulations which should have allowed me to rob the guild blind without earning their gratitude in the process worked only against me. 

The result–

A precipice as bleak as the smiles of those who haunted my shadows.

Thus, drastic measures needed to be taken.

It wasn’t enough to merely fix myself upon the ladder. I had to go backwards.

That’s why … !

“Cats,” I suddenly said, even as I stared down at a comatose mage.

Beside me, Coppelia blinked in puzzlement.

Having stilled her ceaseless laughter for just enough time to frighten all the forest critters away, only a ladybird now disturbed the drooling figure of our resident alchemist as she lay propped against a tree. 

Coppelia leaned forwards and removed it from her cheek … popping it on her nose instead.

“What’s this about cats?” she asked enthusiastically. “Ahh~ let me guess! You’re not happy with only being A-rank. You’re hoping a few cats will be enough to help you climb over the edge, huh?”

“Please, Coppelia. The edge is not above me. It is below. A chasm as wide as my grandmother’s forehead after she headbutts a knight in full armour because he said the paintings of her did her a disservice.” 

“What’s wrong with that?”

“She was the one who painted them.”

“Oh.”

“Regardless, I cannot be allowed to fall any further. I shall be frank–this is a dire situation.”

“Got it! What’s the plan?”

“Cats.” I nodded in seriousness. “It is their greatest weakness. I intend to exploit it.”

Coppelia hummed in thought, a finger pressed against her cheek.

“... Do you mean you want to kidnap cats?”

“What? No, of course not.”

“Oh, okay. Because that’s the only thing I’m getting here.”

“That’s just silly. I’m not going to kidnap cats. At least not permanently.”

“So we’re kidnapping cats.”

“As I said, not permanently.” I pointed to the gently swaying branches overhead. “I need to find as many cats as I can. A few will do if their colours are sufficiently different. We can cycle between them. Once enough are assembled, I will gather them before the nearest receptionist, and then slowly, deliberately and purposefully start tossing them into trees.”

“... You want to find cats, just to throw them into trees?”

I increased the pace of my nodding, all the while a hint of my smile to come appeared.

Truthfully, I didn’t know how many cats it would take before I’d sufficiently dropped down the ranks enough … but given their penchant for the animals, I was certain it wouldn’t take long.

“Ohoho … indeed, in order to maintain my dignity, I shall do what is anathema to the guild! Far from rescuing cats, I will be an accomplice to their escape! A marvellous plan, no?”

I waited for the vow of assistance … and also just a tiny gasp of acknowledgement.

Instead, Coppelia only tilted her head at me, her response lost to the sudden pursing of her lips.

At least for a moment.

“Ahahahaah~”

“C-Coppelia! This is not a laughing matter!”

“Ahaha … sorry … I mean … you’re right …  finding cats from trees just to toss them back into trees … mmh … it’s no laughing matter …”

I waited, rolling my eyes in advance.

“Ppfffft~”

“Coppelia! … Yes, I admit this is a somewhat unorthodox solution … but it is an elegant one as well!” 

My partially loyal handmaiden giggled in response. It was better than the cackle that had followed me here. But also worse than the snort made by Apple as he lifted his head from the stream. 

I was indignant. He certainly had no right to be amused.

“Well, there’s good news!” said a beaming Coppelia. “It’s not like you need to chuck cats into trees straight away, right? That means you should take advantage of things as well!”

“Advantage? Of what? New ways to feel persecuted?”

“Hey, I bet there are loads of perks … like an A-rank only restaurant with a secret door to enter!”

“That is not a restaurant. It is an alleyway bar with a window. And every moment I’m allowed to enter harms my image.” I rapidly shook my head. “No, I cannot allow this to be. A-rank is the same grade as the Snow Dancer. And any comparison between myself and that insane woman threatens to shave off literal infinity amounts of princess points. Do you know how many that entails?”

“Weeeell, if it’s a literal infinity–”

“Exactly. I’d lose as much as 0.001% from my current total. This is unconscionable.”

Coppelia suddenly stilled, all her cogs seemingly grinding to a halt. My eyes blinked at her in concern for a moment. Then, she shook her head and clapped her hands together.

“Alrighty! Where are we going to find a whole bunch of cats, then?~”

I took a short breath, gathering myself before nodding.

“Why, that’s simple … we delegate.” 

I kneeled down beside the drooling mage. Coppelia joined me at once, moving a second ladybird to join the existing one atop her nose.

“Hmm, it’s not quite running away from Henry the Crab as a newt, but I suppose it’s a start.”

“Rest assured, your claims to her debt are secured. Helping me fetch tabbies is merely the first part of her rehabilitation for crimes against the kingdom.”

“Great! Because I’m still hoping she has something stashed away, too. Any stuff is better than no stuff.”

“I’m certain you’ll find something. And once she has finished paying her debt to you, she can fully pay hers to mine. I have no doubt that her skill with a cauldron will come in handy for the days ahead.”

Coppelia nodded with enthusiasm.

There was just one issue. Despite being carried under her arm as she more or less skipped her way here, the woman had yet to wake from her stupor. 

Fortunately, there was nothing my finger of life couldn’t fix!

Snap.

… But it could cause me to pause mid-poke instead.

As the sound of a twig suddenly broke, I looked past my shoulder and narrowed my eyes at the dimming treeline. Coppelia did the same, having far less difficulty as she scanned the direction of the noise.

Crack.

And then came another.

Louder, harsher. Less like a twig being disturbed and more a branch being torn from its trunk. 

The both of us stood up at once and gazed into the forest. I was puzzled. We’d not entered deeply. And yet clearly, something took offence at either Miss Lainsfont’s drooling or Apple’s snorting. 

“Hmm,” said Coppelia.

I raised an eyebrow. 

I wasn’t concerned before, knowing that of all the things which treaded these woods before night had truly fallen, a large elk was the most likely of them. But that was a hum worthy of my attention.

“Did you see something?” I asked curiously.

“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”

And now I was truly concerned. Especially as the smile faded from Coppelia’s face.

“What is it? Is some ghastly horror now approaching?”

“I dunno. It feels like there’s something. And it feels like there’s not. I’m getting super tingly.”

“Do you mean to say some apparition has appeared?”

“Nope, it’s something even weirder than that. This is a new one. And probably not in a good way.”

I was horrified.

Why, I hadn’t even finished complaining about this morning’s flattened almond croissant! And since then, the queue for my voiced grievances has only increased! The gall to add to it was nothing short of crass!

Thus, I clicked my fingers towards the trees.

“You!” I called out at once. “I do not care if you are a hoodlum or a diseased horror! And by that, I mean I’m unable to distinguish between the two! Whatever drooling creature you are, make yourself known so I can give you a time and a number to return when I’m accepting new nuisances!”

I received no reply.

At least until the underbrush began to violently shake. 

Suddenly, a snap of frigid wind cut across where we stood, sending our hair to the side. A creaking sounded to match the ceiling of any inn. The curtain of night fell as if tugged by a hidden hand. And Apple … didn’t react in the slightest. 

Yet even so, I knew we were not alone.

For a moment, I waited and watched as the disturbance only increased, like a great creature pawing through the trees.

And then–

Clap.

Out came a flash of darkness, drowning out the night as Coppelia drew her scythe from between her releasing palms. But it wasn’t towards the shuddering treeline that she sent the weapon wrenched from the abyss.

It was behind us.

With a graceful turn of her heel, she sent that moonlit blade arcing so swiftly that it parted the wind.  

However, it was no monster which lay where the wreath of trailing shadows passed.

It was … playing cards.

No different to those used by professional gamblers and bored soldiers alike, a literal cascade of playing cards drifted like a burst of confetti where her scythe had struck. A deluge of colours and numbers floating before my eyes. Yet that was not where my attention was drawn.

Beyond the downpour, a shallow incision was made against an oak tree. One now missing a scandalously dressed mage lying against it.

Indeed, she’d been replaced by something else.

The playing cards rained upon a large sack now propped against the same tree.

“... Hah, I knew it!” said Coppelia, her smile returning to wipe away the early veil of night. “You can’t beat my Coppelia senses! If something sounds like it’s coming from the front, it’s definitely about to stab you from behind!”

I let out a long sigh.

Not one of frustration or disappointment. 

But rather, simple fatigue that I had to wait until the 11th hour for our perpetual disappearing act to make good on her defining character trait. Even if this time, she required a helping hand.

And what a quaint display this was.

“... My, isn’t this something,” I mused as I eyed the cascade of playing cards. “I never took Miss Lainsfont to have gambling friends. Given her track record, I would have expected even the riskiest of high rollers to hedge their bets instead.”

Coppelia stabbed a playing card with the tip of her scythe. She examined it closely, one eye closed, before blowing it away.

“You’d be surprised. It doesn’t seem like it, but she definitely has friends in high places. You don’t get a book loan from the library unless you do.”

I plucked a playing card from the ground. 

All new and glossy, never once stuck to a table. I studied it less than Coppelia did, but my reaction was still the same. I tossed it away and focused on the parting token instead. 

“Friends in high places … or perhaps very low, depending on what dead thing or magical vomit has been left behind.”

An ordinary burlap sack. 

Frayed and inexpensive, it was no different to those used by optimistic burglars hoping to steal a princess in the night–just before they made the mistake of trying to steal one of Clarise’s teapots as well. But while inside held nothing so valuable, it was no bundle of potatoes which spilled from it.

A clink sounded as it fell over, followed by the glitter of gold crowns spilling from the top.

Mreow.

And also a single, very confused looking tabby cat. 

It slinked out, looked back at the sack, hissed, then darted away.

I was in disbelief at the sight. 

After all, if this was an attempt to fool me, then their optimism was better spent on hoping I became blind to my own wits first! 

This … This was nothing short of insulting! 

A highly suspicious bag seemingly bristling with gold crowns in place of a vanished mage clearly left for our curiosity! And only a single cat?! What was I supposed to do with that?! If I tossed it a hundred times into a tree, I’d need to fetch it a hundred times! 

All the receptionists would think is that I was teaching others how to rescue it!

Indeed … this was clearly a ploy! Here was a sack of gold so dubious that not even the dumbest of adventurers would fall for it!

“Heheheh~ free money, free money~ ♫” 

“Coppelia?!”

Encouraged by the whispers of avarice, my loyal handmaiden kneeled beside the sack. She then looked up at me with the playful smile of a young maiden having found a barn to disparage.

“... What do you think? Rock, paper, scissors for the mysterious sack of gold?”

I raised my arms in exasperation.

“Coppelia! Mysterious is not the right description! It is clearly suspicious! I have no idea what this is, but it cannot be just a sack of gold! Why, even assuming this isn’t some illusioned monster, it’s certain that every coin is cursed! Why would whoever ferried Miss Lainsfont away decide to donate a literal sack of gold crowns in her place? To take her off our hands? If so, we should be the ones paying them!”

There was something hidden in Coppelia’s smile. 

What it was, I forced my highly discerning eyes not to discover.

“Hm? Does that mean you don’t want it?”

I pursed my lips as I looked between her and the obviously cursed sack of gold.

And then–

“Rock, paper, scissors, go!!”

I peered down at her clenched fist. And then at my crossed fingers.

A moment later, it belatedly became an open palm as the comfort of darkness found my face. It did little against the whistling from a very laissez-faire clockwork doll as she easily scooped up a cursed sack of gold in her arms.

“Coppelia, this seems like an appalling idea. What if that gold explodes in your arms? What if it spawns a demon in your arms? What if each coin morphs into a plagued locust and devastates an entire–”

“I’ll pay for our next crêpes~”

“I am blessed by your valour,” I said as light found my eyes. “It is a truly diligent thing to leave no treasure behind. Now come. That gold needs an exorcism. And maybe you as well now.”

“Yay~ free gold and free holy water!”