Ch. 26 - Tongue

"Lots of people ask what humor is about. Is it to make interaction easier? To make everyone get along a bit better? To give meanies safer outlets? Lots and lots of ideas people have.

I think it makes sharing pain less painful. If I'm having a really bad time, I can share that with you. If I can make it funny, too, you can appreciate that pain without feeling guilted into doing anything, and I get to not be alone with it."

– Volunteer (83, male) at an orphanage, doing his best to pass on at least a little philosophical thought to those nobody else will teach.

 

***

 

I patiently waited the hour it took for Leah's tongue to be repaired, slowly feeding her and smoothing my hands down her spine as she occasionally tested her ability to form words, until finally, we were rewarded when she looked up at me, smiled, and said, "Hi."

That made me grin hard, and of course I had to return the greeting. "Hi. Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile."

Leah broke and laughed her ass off. I loved the sound of it, all happy and loud and free. "Fucking hell, Tinea, you can't do terrible pick up lines at me while I don't have hands to hold my stomach with!"

I giggled, wondering at how different that sounded as a girl, and found myself hugging Leah tight before I knew it. "But seriously, I'm glad you can finally talk. I've been waiting for it."

She stilled, studied me from between my boobs, and with a softer voice, said, "Yeah. So have I. You're amazing, you know that? I wouldn't have held together that much longer, and even if I managed to escape, I don't know where I'd be without you."

"Mmm. I'm glad I found you then," I sighed. Relaxing back into the curve of the cocoon, I considered her. "I guess I have some understanding of what you're going through? My life was pretty shit for a long time. Helplessness…is an old companion."

Leah tilted her head at that, first one way, and then the other. "Earlier you said that I wouldn't be able to appreciate how new all this is for you. What does that mean?"

"Right into the meat of things, huh?" I mumbled, shifting with the small spike of unease in my heart. I wasn't sure about what things to reveal. Which things I wanted to say and which ones I shouldn't.

Leah was studying me carefully. I found myself distracted, wondering what she could see with that cat's eye of hers. Wondering what she thought of me.

But she was otherwise quiet, all attention, and I realized that…she didn't exactly have a choice about that either. She was still stuck without arms and legs, reliant on me to give her the care she needed. Maybe…it was only fair to return that vulnerability…and maybe I'd kind of become addicted already to having this much skin contact.

It did surprise me a little that she hadn't already asked for Dr. Stabkinson, but maybe she cared more about getting to know me? Turns out I really don't know her yet, huh?

"Okay, well. So, this is kinda complicated and there's so much to say that I don't really know how to get it all out. Or if I should, even. But, yeah. Bear with me?"

That seemed to surprise Leah a little. I couldn't really tell what she was thinking, and an uncomfortable, creeping anxiety gripped my guts. The warnings it threw up almost felt like puke. I was battling some old insecurities, and they were making it hard to really see her. 

There was a large part of me that had kept me isolated my entire life, preoccupied with finding the threat in the eyes of everyone else. It'd been quiet since I awoke, due to the strange circumstances I'd found Leah in. But…words. That's always been when it was strongest. And Leah… Well. She already mattered more than any other person I'd met in the last twenty years.

I breathed in and out, closed my eyes and focused. I wasn't the helpless child anymore. I'd had decades to learn to moderate my reactions. I'd made decisions as I grew up, and again when I became a samurai. I'd decided that I wasn't going to shy away from that journey.

So I opened my eyes, looked at Leah, who'd seen some of the turmoil in me and given me the room to think, and began talking.

"I'll start from the back, since the recent events are the important parts anyway. Until a few days ago, until I became a samurai, that is, I was male." 

Leah blinked and said, "Huh." And nothing else. I guessed she was going to take some time to process that, so I continued as she rested her chin on my sternum.

"My old name's Aden, actually. Tinea is the name I chose for who I am today. Or well, my AI buddy chose it, and I accepted it," I said and smiled.

The corners of Leah's mouth lifted at my pleasure and asked the obvious question, "Why'd you choose to become a woman? And, actually, how did that work?"

"The how's pretty easy, and it would've been pretty cheap without the extra upgrades," I said, throwing a glance at my antennae and wagging my tail. "I used specialized viruses to edit my DNA and nanobots to rebuild my body based on the new blueprint. You can do it fast, which puts you under for a few days, or slow, which means you can stay awake, but that takes several weeks or months.

"And for the why… Well, events during my childhood left me always wanting to be a woman, and now I finally had the chance. So I grabbed it by the balls, and yanked. Almost literally." I chuckled and Leah smirked at my choice of words.

"Wanna guess how old I am?" I grinned at Leah, but the question seemed to surprise her and she grew still while pondering it.

"Uh, that's weirdly difficult. Sometimes I get the feeling that you're half my age, and then in the next moment I'd swear you were twice my age. Like, physically? Probably around twenty. But that doesn't mean much with samurai, does it? I have no fucking clue." Then she stopped for a moment to think before continuing, "Or actually, maybe I do? People tend to become samurai quite young. The average is what, nineteen? Seventeen? From what I know, the youngest samurai was nine years old. I think you might be on the other extreme. From your calm behavior most of the time, I'd guess you're a little older than me? Maybe twenty-six?"

I smiled. "That's actually a fair guess, I don't feel quite as adult as I probably should. But I'm statistically way more extreme than that, just barely past my thirty-fourth birthday."

Leah smirked at me, "You creaky old man, you." I pinched her nose shut until she snorted giggles and shook me off.

Studying me again as she tilted her head—she really did that a lot, and it was quite endearing—she continued, "You really don't seem quite that mature though, to be honest. At times, I even get the impression of an untouched sixteen year old virgin."

I had to look away with my face going red, scratching the back of my neck. "Well yeah. That's where my childhood and stuff matters." Looking down, I got more serious. "I grew up in a religious cult. One of those old ones, where they still pray to a god. There, I didn't have anybody to watch my back, nobody to teach me anything. Surrounded by uncaring adults and vicious children, I was left to my own devices. Anything I did just pretty much led to everybody saying…nothing much at all. Just empty, fanatical bullshit. Loads and loads of judgments. How everything was my fault and I had to be punished. Devil's child, that kind of thing.

"Unfortunately, I didn't have the right kind of temperament to…not soak that in. I dragged those chains around with me for years while I slowly grew up. Or at least grew older. I've since discovered new ways of thinking, figured out not just that I was abused, but also specifically how. But…the old insecurities that I grew up with, grew into, many of them are still there. And you know. Insecurity and helplessness mostly exclude maturity. Hence why I sometimes seem so much younger, I guess.

"But not being a girl is one of my oldest hangups. It started when I was a child and saw every girl be loved and happy, and every boy bully me. I learned that I should've been a girl if I wanted to be liked and if I wanted to play with others. I might be old enough to know otherwise, but…too late, too little."

"Hmm." Leah kept looking at me, studying me, letting my words percolate through her head. Trying to find an answer to a question she didn't know the words to ask, maybe? Eventually she gave me a quizzical stare and asked, "Say, why are you telling me all this?"

I had to smile at that sharp and bright question.

"Eh, many reasons. Because you're absolutely reliant on me right now and it's only fair. Because I've come to love being so close to you and don't want it to stop. Because I don't know how to not ramble. Because I want to make you feel like you want to stay around me, so I don't have to be alone again. Stuff like that."

Leah gave me a wry look and said, "Yeah, there's that strange mix of adult and child again. You don't manipulate half-assed, do you?"

"No, I don't. Frankly, I sometimes have a hard time telling the difference between manipulation and honesty. That's the rambly bit, too. Trying too hard. Desperate. Although I got past the worst of that once I figured out how important communication is. Still, part of me is hoping that if I spill, you'll be willing to trust me and, again, want to stick around. But," I pause, looking up and putting my next words together. "I don't lie to manipulate. I don't invent things that aren't, just to look better. I just…if I can't be honest around somebody, I just say nothing and go away."

Once again, Leah laid her head at my shoulder and thought about things. Intentionally or not, she soothed my heart by snuggling tight.

"You know, I work with children. Lots and lots of them, orphans all," she said.

"Hmm?"

"Yeah. It's like I'm getting a window into their future selves, with you."

"Huh." I had no idea how to take that.

After some more deliberation, she seemed to come to a decision and said, "Complicated personality or not, you didn't make me feel guilty or like I owed you for protecting me. Without making me feel…useless, for being helpless." She almost sobbed with that last word, and I squeezed her once more. Her breath was suddenly a lot warmer—I could tell she was silently crying through her open mouth. 

It took a lot of petting and quiet peace inside our cocoon, but eventually, her breathing evened out. I could still smell the salt on her cheeks, and hear the stuffy nose in her voice, when, minutes later, she spoke again. "I think not wanting to be alone is normal. I've never lacked for friends or companions, but some of the children I've taken care of over the years have been the ostracized sort, or just really isolated. They tend to latch on hard if you give them any attention and are devastated if you leave. Is that what you're experiencing?"

"Sort of, but not quite like that. That's how I used to be as a child and teenager. Once you get hurt often enough, you just automatically disengage before that can happen. That sounds sad, but it did give me time and distance to learn. Right now it's the extreme amount of physical closeness we've shared and…well, hormones I'm really not used to. Tynea warned me that I might experience a change there, and I definitely am. But the closeness is kinda addicting. I've always wanted this," I said as I squeezed Leah close and buried my nose in her hair.

"Yeah, I got that," Leah laughed. "Honestly, I wouldn't mind sticking around. Or rather, having you stick around, considering that I've got people who rely on me and whom I need to return to. But I also have my reservations about this. You know these kinda relationships, friendly or romantic, don't balance well. One side gets too attached, or smothers the other. It goes to shit so easily. I'm…worried that'll happen."

"I'm quite aware. Why do you think I learned that communication is important? I don't want that kind of shallow relationship, where people vegetate in parallel and issues get ignored until they become real problems. No, that won't satisfy me. It's all or nothing."

"I don't know what 'all or nothing' looks like with you, though."

"Right. Like those children I do get attached. I'm a very tactile person. I'd never not want a hug. If somebody is emotionally vital to me, I give easily. You're experiencing it right now, what with all the pouring out my heart. But unlike the kids, I get why I act the way I do, and I can manage it just fine. I haven't been erratic in my behavior for a long time, yeah?"

"Erratic?"

"I grew up with a weird mix of servility and judgmentalism. If somebody was kind to me, I'd get attached hard, and for fear of being thrown away, I had to prove myself to be perfect, beyond reproach, while also being whatever I thought they wanted me to be. It got…weird. A strange mix of lies, perfectionism, and anxious courtesy."

"That does not sound good."

Sting. Yeah. "I know." I breathe slowly and smile at Leah. "Believe me, I know. The social anxiety it's left me with was crippling."

"Was?" asked Leah.

"Yeah. I did eventually grow out of that twisted existence and I learned to understand my past and how it shaped me, how I escaped and became my own person. And that person I do actually have respect for. I want to have that same respect for whomever I'm close to. I don't think that's possible without talking things out, even if it still makes me anxious. So. 'All' means a lot of hugs and words."

Leah smiled at me and said, "You fall in love easily, huh?"

"Yeah. Well, if I let myself. I don't, usually. I'm…too isolated to give it much of a chance. That's the 'nothing' bit, I supposed. Part of this whole self-change," I say pointing at myself, "includes not isolating myself by default."

"You know, Tinea, my relationships, they're not just between myself and my partner. I'm responsible for others, for children. You were pretty open with me, so I'll return the favor.

"I can't just go for anyone because I happen to like them. And I do like you. You've very much shown me who you are around hurt people," she said, indicating herself with waving stumps, "but you're not really responsible for me. I might be hurt, but I'm also an adult and, in a way, just a patient. But children? They're malleable. Easy to mold. That's a power not a lot of people should be given. I need to see who you are around children. I can't afford to have somebody around who might harm them. I don't think you would. But I still don't know how…balanced you really are."

I smiled at Leah, booped her nose, and said, "Well, we've got plenty of time for you to discover, don't we?" 

After all my explanations of wanting a relationship where things got talked out, it struck me as funny that I was attempting to prove myself by not trying to sway her with words. But, I supposed, if I did, it'd just be manipulative.

When she grinned back, I knew I'd made the right decision. There'd be us, sticking together for at least a while. I was curious to find out however this relationship might evolve, platonic or not.

"Okay, Leah. Enough talking. Eye or Sleeve?"

 

***