Weeaboo's Unfortunate Isekai: The Necromancer's Gacha

The long pool went misty, as a muted, but somewhat upbeat, celestial choir sang. A sad step down from when I pulled Versai. Still, it looked nice. Always something special about the first pull in a game. Watching that animation as you wait to see what the slot machine was serving up.

“Don’t get too excited.” Versai looked cooly into the mists. “One Stars seem to count for more than half of the total possible summons. I haven’t worked out the rates for others, but… sharply less. Don’t be surprised if they are all One Stars.”

Well. That’s not ideal. Usually games have to post their pull rates for different rarities. Or they do in the U.S. anyway. Maybe there was a tablet etched on a wall somewhere? And, wait a sec, the One Stars are the most common? What kind of moron thought that made sense?

Terrifying thought- what if the developers were Korean wizards? I’d be screwed! Please no PVP. Please no PVP. Please no PVP…

“Best I would hope for is a decent mix of types and alignments. Maybe, just maybe, a set. Though a One Star set is pretty- oh here they are.”

“Mika’s here! You have nothing to fear!”

“Mika’s here! You have nothing to fear!”

“Mika’s here! You have nothing to fear!”

“Mika’s here! You have nothing to fear!”

“Mika’s here! You have nothing to fear!”

I took a moment to think through which swear would be most piquant. There was apparently no dupe system. And what were the odds of drawing five of the exact same character at once?

Mika was an awkward-looking, though beautiful, young lady carrying a shield nearly as tall as she was, as well as a crossbow. White jacket with useless straps and dangly bits, soft white turtleneck underneath and a short skirt over thigh high boots.

I could only give the art director a thumbs up. They got it. The look of slightly helpless determination, the contrast between the smart-casual clothes and the giant shield- Moe. It was Moe. I had seen better, but this was good. Healing, even, after Versai.

“Just another rodeo. Rache is ready to ride.” This from a rather rangy looking young lady who seemed to have been dressed by someone who had heard of both cowboys and motorcycle gangs, but had seen neither and got them confused.

A saber hung at Rache’s hip. There were leather, fingerless gloves on her hands, and a cowboy hat perched on her head. Tasseled leather jacket and pants too, but… not really sure what the designer was thinking there. Less Moe. Someone would be into that look, but it wasn’t for me.

“HEEEY! So, I’m, like, Becky!” Becky opted for combat wedge sandals, combat black tights, a combat powder pink mini-skirt with a matching cashmere crop top sweater, amply displaying her toned tummy and other… assets. Which were generous. More stacked than a deli sandwich, in fact.

The bubblegum pink hair matched, perfectly, the bubbles of gum she was blowing every thirty seconds. There was an eye catching charm in the shape of tumbling blue roses hanging from the waist of her skin tight skirt. She had no visible weapons or armor.

I have read this hentai. And liked it.

That being said, she must be a wizard because she looked like she had zero combat potential otherwise.

“Oh no! Where’s the ouchie?”

Wait, really? I didn’t even need to look to know what I was about to see. I looked. Yup. Called it.

From the white beret to black mary janes to the knee high white socks under a knee length white pinny parody nurse uniform, it was the “medic.” Better still, the Clumsy Medic, with a big square bandage stuck over one eye. This? This was a top notch Moe-blob. Ten out of ten. I hated it.

“I am not okay with this.” I gave Versai a hard look. She arched a perfectly formed eyebrow and shrugged.

“Do something about it, then. I have yet to meet a Tower Master who was happy about drawing a One Star, and yes, Pammy is high on their do-not-want list. So far, nobody has been able to keep her from getting pulled.

“She’s twelve!” Even a bone deep degenerate has a line. I don’t do loli. I really, REALLY, don’t do death-game loli.

“‘She,’” Versai’s elegant fingers made aesthetic quote marks in the air, “Is only a minute old. ‘She’ is not even a ‘she,’ or any gender. Watch.” She looked over at the worried looking grade schooler. “Pammy, please take off your hat.”

The medic blinked a couple of times, then slowly grabbed her beret. She yanked on it a few times. It didn’t budge. She looked back at Versai, eyes watering. “It’s stuuuuuuuuck!”

Versai shook her head. “They are all like that. Like I said, Tower Master, it’s a mistake to think of them as people. Her clothes are literally part of her- you can eyeball damage by seeing how shredded their clothes are. Golems dressed up to look like girls and given human mannerisms is more like it.”

Deep breath. Until you can fix it, endure it. Remember when they ran out of limited edition Beach Adventure Rei figurines with the removable bikini? You endured then, and you can endure now.

It… actually kind of helped me accept the whole situation. They weren’t real people. They weren’t really 3-D. They were poseable figurines and talking robots. 2-D souls shoved into 3-D shells. Alright. That’s familiar. I know how to exist in that space.

Yeah. I could feel the stress reducing, falling off my shoulders. You don’t have to worry about what they are thinking, how they feel, any of that. Just… figurines. Dollies. And I like to play with doll… POSEABLE FIGURINES.

I looked over at the last two. “I’ll get the job done!”

They were a brown haired lady in overalls, a knockoff Carhartt t-shirt and a yellow hardhat. Approximate age, forty. Normally I would hate it. Zero Kawaii factor, not even MILF-y. After Pammy, she was like a breath of reassuringly stale air.

They were wearing off-brand Timbs with a safety toe. Full, sensible, toolbelt loaded with gear. She had eye protection and work gloves. A consummate professional of the building trades.

“And what’s your name?” I asked.

“Judith. If it needs tearing down or putting up, leave it to us.” They tilted their heads back and laughed with synchronized good humor. I squinted. She seemed more… lively than the others.

“Say, Tower Master, do you win a lot of money at cards?” Versai asked.

“Funny you should ask, I did fund my business initially through winning online poker tournaments. Why?”

“Because out of ten summons, you pulled two Two-Stars and one of the best One-Stars. Other than Becky, the rest of them are ok for what they are. With this, we can pretty much dominate the first wave, and the second wave is going to be reasonably survivable.”

“And the third wave?”

“Let's… just focus on the positive, shall we?” Her smile was both healing, and yet, somehow, damaging.

“Alright, can you tell me how to use the troops here?”

“No, that is your job.”

There was a pause.

“Could you… explain what each of these… golems…. do?”

“Certainly, Tower Master. Starting with Mika- do you know what Pavise Crossbowmen are?”

I shook my head. Bye bye, faint shred of alpha energy. But this was life and death. I would make it up later. Versai pointed, her perfectly trimmed and polished nail caught in a sunbeam made just to glint upon its perfection.

“What you are seeing, basically. There is a spike that pops out of her shield when she slams the bottom into the ground, instantly turning her into a crossbow firing strong point. She is almost completely covered from the front. The trade-off is that her mobility is nil. You have to pick your spot to use her, because if you want her to reposition, it takes a while.”

Hmm. Very… Arknights.

“Got it. Can’t people aim for her head, or arc their shots over her shield or something? Come around the side?”

“It’s never come up so far. The monsters just rush up, reach around or over the shield, and shred her. Or get her from the side. Or, if the Tower Master is particularly incompetent, take her from behind.”

“Seems like armor and a good helmet are needed,” I said, not wanting to touch any part of that setup. Sometimes, you just know you will dunk on yourself.

Versai nodded. “You can craft or loot them, if you are lucky. Not that I have ever seen armor crafted, but the Tower Masters keep saying it’s possible. The monsters seem to be carrying the necessary materials. Still, she’s a very common summons as you can see, so it doesn’t make too much sense to invest a lot in any particular Mika.”

Yep. Gotta zero out the ‘ole emotional investment. That’s what moe does to you, definitionally. Makes you give a damn. Can’t have that. Not in a gacha game.

“And Rider Rache there?”

“Funny you should call her that- she is a scout, and to my way of thinking, one of the best One Star scouts. Which is a bit like saying one of the smartest mushrooms. Still. Lucky. Put her out in the forest… we are in a forest, right?”

“Yes.”

“Good. A couple of times I was summoned to different settings, which were not improvements. Anyway, she summons a ghost horse that turns into a ghost motorcycle that races through the trees, letting her find enemies, rare materials, treasures, that kind of thing. She is horrible in a head-on fight, but she can make good flanking attacks. You know. “Good” for a One Star.”

“Excellent! Wait, she rides a motorcycle through that dense, underbrush filled, forest? And can scout that way?”

“Yes. Magic ghost motorcycle. Obviously.” She gave me a look. It was hurtful. I pressed on.

“I can see why you like her. Becky?”

“Trash summons, you got screwed.”

“Can you… elaborate on that a bit?”

“She doesn’t do anything. At all. She can’t fight. Can’t craft. Can’t do magic, or heal, no control abilities, can’t even make quality of life improvements like cooking or art or music.”

Versai took a breath, then gave me a frank look.

“I had one Tower Master who thought her purpose was more carnal in nature. The results were, apparently, disappointing. “I’d have been better off with a log,” were his last words. Before I threw him out the window, into the monster horde below. Where he had what could be described as a fulfilling carnal experience.”

Message received! Jesus! Guess Versai was more protective of the “they’re not really people” lower-stars than she let on. No prohibition on regicide, too. That’s a key bit of information. All of a sudden that relationship system is sounding REALLY important.

“You have a nuanced take on your oath of service?” I asked, trying to keep it light and apparently failing.

“On the contrary, I am very strict about it. Which is why I take it very personally when the oath is broken by a Tower Master. Very. Personally. And since I cannot be bound by a broken oath-”

“Got it. Lets press right on, shall we?” I gave her my best smile and waved at Pammy. Not wanting to dwell on the fact that I had made no oaths. “I’m guessing she’s the healer?”

“Correct. Early on, she can heal a One Star on the verge of death to about half health per skill activation. It gets progressively less effective the more total health a summons has.”

“Ah. I can see why she’s unpopular.” Pammy’s eyes watered at that, and her lower lip wobbled terribly. Well that’s a familiar reaction. Ah, what am I supposed to say now? It was something like… “Oh, no, I’m sorry sweety, I’m sure you do your best!”

“Don’t bother.” Versai’s voice was bone dry. “She does that every five minutes.”

“What?” I kept an eye on Pammy. After a few seconds she calmed down and returned to fidgeting nervously.

“Ah. Creepy. I see what you mean about not humanizing them.” It was actually kind of unpleasant. We were getting into the uncanny valley here.

“Only leads to misery.” There was something in her voice. Not the time though. I had a feeling it was gated behind the relationship system.

“And Judith?”

“Your absolute biggest piece of luck. She’s a “worker” type, as opposed to a ranged type, or a healing type. Or a whatever type.”

I nodded. Straight forward enough.

“Very basic harvesting and construction jobs can be done by any Summons, Awakened Spirit, Dolly, whatever you want to call them. Workers do the jobs much, MUCH faster, and much, much better. Anything even slightly more advanced than the absolute basics, like “pick up those rocks and stack them over there” basics, and non-workers struggle. “Cut down this tree and don’t kill yourself or anyone else,” would be ambitious. Expect it to take thirty minutes for a normal tree.”

“Yikes. And Judith?”

“Will have it down and cut into usable logs in less than two. With the right tools, she can knock out planks of ordinary wood faster than the trees can be brought to her. Now, she’s really focused on framing, rough carpentry and demolitions, so you wouldn’t send her to harvest rare materials, do mining, or make more than really basic defenses. But still. For your first draw? She’s a huge win. Two of her is just…” Versai shook her head with a happy sigh.

“So, Judith, could you fix the doors here?”

“Sure, no problem!” The one on the left boomed.

“Easy as pie.” The one on the right agreed.

“Just need a saw mill for the planks, trees for the wood, iron nails, and scrap metal to shape into the door fittings.” The one on the left concluded.

Versai was giving me a very patient look. I pretended not to notice.

“Well, how about wooden barricades?”

“Logs.” They said in chorus.

“Well. Let’s go get us some logs! And. You know. I have a feeling we will get us some monsters too.”