Well at Least I’m a Magic Pirate Now

Erastus 21

As I opened the heavy wooden door, I let a shaft of afternoon sunlight into the small, squalid cell. The floor was mostly mud, though I could see jagged bits of gravel sticking out at irregular intervals. I swept my eyes over the three prisoners, who returned my gaze with varied emotions. Caulky’s betrayed pout drew my attention first, accented as it was by a patina of bruises across the side of her face.

Her red jacket was spattered with mud from being dragged across the ground and chained to the back wall by her wrists. I suspected that she had resisted arrest, as the more stoic Plugg and Scourge were both free and in much better shape physically.

I need to be more careful with my prisoners. I’m lucky the goblins don’t strip prisoners naked and beat them unconscious as a matter of course. 

“I didn’t realize you’d be treated this poorly.” I said sheepishly. “This is a bad start for our last meeting.”

“Indeed, Mister M’Dair.” Plugg said coldly. “Why change the tenor of our relationship now, I suppose?”

I held out a hand and the goblin guarding the door handed me a key. I stepped in and released them each in turn. I stopped at Caulky and infused her with the vital essence of a devil, allowing her to regenerate from her minor injuries over the course of a minute (Cast Infernal Healing). She winced at the touch, and grimaced as she felt the Law-infused magic flow through her, but mumbled a thank you.

“For what it’s worth I do regret things going as they did.” I said conversationally. “I’d have wanted a ship of my own at some point regardless, but if I’d been treated a bit better I doubt I’d have gone as far as mutiny. Conchobar was pretty reliably pushing for us to just desert at the next port.”

“That’s what we offered you!” Caulky flared up. “It’s what we agreed on!”

“If you’d actually been the one making choices, I’d agree with you.” I told her. “Plugg is right about one thing. You’re desperately naive. I’ll admit that I played you like a fiddle, but I wouldn’t have needed to if Plugg wasn’t trying so hard to set you against me.”

“M’Dair!” Plugg barked at me, “How dare you! I was only looking after her interests!”

“Oh shut up.” I sighed. “If you give a damn about her ability to take care of herself, you’ll let her grow up soon.”

Caulky’s mouth desperately tried to form a response. She was beet red by the time she managed speech, and I genuinely couldn’t tell if anger or embarrassment was responsible. Probably both.

“You’re a liar, Emrys M’Dair.” She accused, “why would I trust you?”

“Because we are parting ways and I have no real reason to poison your relationship?” I said with a roll of my eyes. “Anyway, there’s one last issue. The matter of your pay.”

Scourge laughed, leaning against the wall and massaging his wrist.

“Yer going to pay us?” He asked, slipping into a low class Chelish accent, “really? After all that we get a pat on the head and spending money?”

“I’m not tossing you out on your ears, no.” I said with a shrug. “I let the crew pick over your rooms, and set aside anything nobody wanted in a box. You’ll also find three shares of the gold from the grindylows, same as I gave the swabs. It should be able to pay your way long enough to get back to Harrigan if you’re frugal. Hell, if you’re really frugal I imagine you could buy a fishing boat and retire as landsmen or something. I don’t really care.”

I waved Owlbear, a huge mountain of a man, to place the trunk in front of them. As promised, it contained a tangled mismatch of nicknacks and clothes that didn’t fit anyone on the ship. The most expensive thing there was a baked clay medallion: the Idol of Vishgurv.

Best to get that away from Sosima anyway. She’s been harassing Aaron to unbind Cave Mother in favor of Vishgurv for weeks. Better if she doesn’t have a way to expedite the ritual, and I don’t feel like selling it. 

“Can I have my gun back?” Caulky asked. “My sword?”

Shit, I don’t want something bad to happen to her wandering around unarmed. 

“No, but I’ll give each of you daggers.” I said, turning to the milling crowd of men, “Narwhal! Get three daggers from storage and bring them here!”

“How generous.” Plugg said dryly. “With prompting, he will give a girl the tools to defend her virtue.”

“Ok, you can shut up Sebastien.” I said, pinching the bridge of my nose. “I don’t like you, and don’t pretend that you’d have been half this merciful to me. My officers have repeatedly told me to kill you and I don’t have very compelling reasons not to. With any luck we will never see each other again. If we do, stay civil and we can politely ignore each other. If you make me regret sparing you, I’ll fix the mistake.”

“Surely.” Plugg responded, “Was there anything else, or are we free to leave once we are properly armed?”

“Go for it.” I saluted them casually. “Get lost in the woods if you’d like, but the men are planning on going in a group soon. If I never hear another word about you I’ll consider it good news.”

••••••••••

“I want you to pretend you’re sticking with him. Caulky might keep her word but I don’t trust the other two at all.”

Rattline Rattsberger, sometimes called Rats by the other swabs, was nobody special. He was a halfling, not even coming up to my waist, with a pinched face covered in chapped skin and acne. His greasy chestnut hair was tied back in a long tail I’d seen him shorten with a knife. He had a short, wispy beard spreading from cheek to neck, created through neglect rather than any kind of intent.

I saved his life and he’s one of my followers. I don’t think I’ll get much more trustworthy than that, but it’s still plausible he’d go with Plugg. 

“And what if I did want to stay with Harrigan, eh?” He said in a gruff tenor voice. “Plugg’s an ass, but I haven’t chosen yet.”

Oh right. 

“Easy. If you want to get back to Harrigan, you’d probably rather do it with Plugg.” I said, “if he tries to come after me and I can’t dissuade him, he’s not surviving round two. If that happens and you didn’t tell me, you’re up shit creek without a paddle.”

He stared at me, frowning slightly. At least half of his silence was born of confusion over my deranged choice of metaphor. (Sense Motive 7+2=9) 

“Alright, but if you want me to spy you’ll pay me.” Rats agreed, “something good, even if I don’t stay on with you. I’m risking my neck out here.”

“Deal.” We shook on it, his tiny hand in my slender onyx one. “I’ll send someone to talk to you, so you don’t have to slip away. With any luck, it’ll be someone you recognize. Get going, I think the first group is heading out soon.”

I watched him leave, and shuffled off to an unused corner of the warehouse. It was easy to find one, since the vaulted room was terribly lit. I had darkvision, but most of my crew preferred to stay in the small pools of light while they napped. We’d been working hard to keep the ship afloat for the last few days and the only thing keeping some of the men awake was the opportunity to stuff their faces and get blitzed at one tavern or another. Salyar, our cook, had set up a camp stove and made rice. It wasn’t fancy, nor was it particularly nutritious, but it filled the belly enough to allow sleep.

I pulled out a small bowl, placing a dollop of rice inside. I’d have my own meal later; I had absolutely no intention of going another day on rice alone this close to a town. However, I had a standing agreement. I nudged Conchobar with one toe, waking him. 

“Come. I need an accompaniment.” I ordered, “there is work to be done and you need only take part in the first step.” 

He called me a son of a bitch with some accuracy, a phrase I always found charmingly irreverent. Had someone called me that in front of my mother, I’d have been obliged to kill them. I left him to gather himself, trusting that Conchobar would be able to start playing long before I finished my spell. 

I traced out a circle in the dirt floor, humming a peaceful tune as I did. Mih’Tzi had loved this song, often chanting it while she worked in the gardens. A shaft of hatefully bright sunlight appeared at the center of the circle, prompting me to don my shade lenses. The light slowly coalesced into a diminutive figure with outstretched wings, before fading and revealing exactly the woman I’d been hoping to see. 

Dame Dierdre was an atomie, a type of minor fey, and one of my first really successful summoned outsiders. She was around a foot tall, with pale green skin and hair offset by a dress made of autumn leaves and a glittering gold pendant around her neck. She had a long needle-like sword at her hip that I’d seen her use to fight off a demonic lion. She hadn’t been alone in that fight, but participating in a fight like that at all is impressive for someone only a foot tall.

“Good afternoon, milord.” She said, nodding her head graciously. “I see you have found yourself on land again. The ship is well, I hope?”

“Very much so.” I answered with a smile. “No one has died since the last time I summoned you, but it was touch and go for a few days. The ship is getting some proper repairs right now.”

“Wonderful.” She said, taking a grain of rice and eating it like a strawberry. “You have plied me with food and music; do you have need of my services?”

“As a messenger, yes.” I answered. “I’ve let Plugg and his supporters loose, but I’m keeping an eye on them. If you check in with Rattline once per day, without being noticed, I would really appreciate it.”

“The halfling?” She asked. “He is to be your spy?”

“Undecided, but still loyal enough to me that I think he’ll warn me if anything is going to happen.” I said. “That’ll be much easier if you give him an easy way to get messages back to me.”

“Agreed.” She said happily, binding herself to my service for the next four days. The magic circle holding her in place flared for a moment before vanishing. “Is there anything else you would have me do? I cannot imagine this task will take but an hour or so each day.”

“Do whatever you want, within reason.” I said with a shrug. “Goatshead is a dangerous town, but I doubt there will be much that could harm you.”

She can fly faster than the average falcon and can turn invisible a few times a day. If anything hurts her it’s because she let it. 

“How exciting.” She said, her tiny face splitting into a grin. “It shall be quite a holiday, methinks.”

“You’ve already been paid, but if you need pocket money go to Sosima.” I ordered. “I trust her judgment, and I trust you not to be extortionate.”

“Of course, milord.” Dierdre said, flickering her wings to rise into the air. “I would not dream of it. Especially not when I might be able to trade upon the crew’s generosity instead. Now then, if it pleases you I would like to see the island you have brought me to.”

She flitted out of the room, stopping only long enough to wake Jaundiced Jape up to open the door for her.

Please Dierdre, be a classy lady and do not make me regret letting you loose during your free time. 

••••••••••

I’d taken long enough with Dame Dierdre that the first group headed to Goatshead was already gone. The guide wouldn’t lead another batch of people for a few hours according to a bored looking guard, so I was stuck at the secret dock unless I wanted to wander through the woods alone. I didn’t.

The chance that these woods are infested with ghouls is low. The chance that something out there would love to nibble on a shrimpy little drow boy walking alone is very, very high. 

I wasn’t tired enough to join the men napping, and the goblins didn’t seem particularly thrilled at me wandering around their operation and taking notes. I decided to find a shady spot and do my daily exercise routine instead. I hadn’t had much of an opportunity in the last few days, and I didn’t want to get completely out of the habit like I had on Bonewrack.

I started with some basic stretching as a warmup. Allowing Autopilot to complete the exercise for me would have made the whole thing pointless, but I’d stretched thousands of times. It didn’t take much focus, so I could check my menu. Text seemed to scroll across my vision, somehow not impeding my vision at all. Character Sheet, Party, Missions, Rules. Four submenus that contained enough information to be a huge edge even without the crazy magic bullshit.

I skipped over the Character Sheet. I knew what Autopilot was capable of; he was a strong sorcerer who was really damn good at summoning. Nothing had changed in the last few weeks, because I hadn’t earned any new perks.

The Party tab was why I felt so confident about needing to recruit. When I entered that submenu, I found a list of every member of the crew that was willingly my ally. It started with my inner circle, consisting of myself, Cog, Syl, Sosima, Sandara, and Rowe. Full party members, who were given a share of the power that my system bestowed upon me. In return, fate would nudge them towards staying by my side. After that came the Followers, who got a much smaller share of power and a much smaller dose of fate: Conchobar, Owlbear, Rattline, and several more.

Party members were nudged towards maintaining our relationship, but I knew from hard experience that being in my party didn’t mean that someone was permanently aligned with me. Caulky had been a party member when she watched me beaten nearly to death, and she didn’t even object. When it had come down to a choice between me and her family, there hadn’t been a question in her mind.

I don’t intend to set anyone else in my party against their own families, of course, but it’s important to remember that it would end poorly if I did. Kinda like how I wasn’t planning on using Charm Person to get laid, but knowing that a goddess might kick my ass if I did really helps keep me on the straight and narrow. 

I was pleasantly surprised to see Dierdre listed as a potential follower. It had never occurred to me that I could add her to my party, and I saw absolutely no reason to avoid doing so. I liked the little fairy, and she’d proven extremely useful in the past. Giving her a tiny power boost and some good fortune seemed like a reasonable reward for her good service.

Rules was a giant document, tens of thousands of pages long even after being heavily redacted. If I looked hard, I could find information on most subjects by hunting through it. Stat blocks for generic entities and various magic items, as well as intricately detailed explanations of how my system worked, were right there. I couldn’t bring myself to read more than a page or two without my eyes glazing over.

Things were different when I was looking for something specific. The relevant stat blocks for different types of outsider were a good example, as was the explanation of how achievements could give supercharged perks. So far it had never led me astray, though sometimes it was accidentally misleading through omission. Stat blocks for monsters only populated when I became aware of them, so I’d initially thought that elementals were restricted to the four classical elements. Finding out in passing that lightning and aether elementals were a thing had been a bit of a shock.

Finally, missions. I always left them for last. There was nothing worth seeing there for the last week, but I knew that could change at any time. I knew that if I found something there, it would deliver a spike of anxiety to totally derail my train of thought. The last time I’d had missions had ultimately led to me fighting off hundreds of ghouls in a days long siege, so I was more than a little bit wary.

New Mission Pack Available: The Tower of the Last Baron

The only major trading partner of the Shackles faces an insidious threat! Travel to Sargava and resolve a siege before the town of Piren’s Bluff becomes a devastated battleground. In the process, you will make potentially valuable allies abroad. 

Primary enemy types: humanoids, Outsiders

Suggested Level range: 5-8

Accept? Yes/No

Uh. No. I kinda have a lot of stuff I need to get done here in the Shackles. At least I know I have a choice in the matter. I was kinda worried I’d just get slapped with some epic quest and need to drop everything. I don’t like the idea of leaving some town to be devastated by war, but I have other shit to do in the exact opposite direction. Good luck, Piren’s Bluff. I hope things work out. 

Random Encounter: Artisanal Craftsmanship

The reclusive artificer Melku lives in Goatshead; you might as well check in with him while you’re here. Commission and recieve an item from him, whether by force, falsehood, or finance. 

Reward: 2 exp, Scroll of Inverted Reactions 

I paused and considered the mission. I didn’t really have the money to spend on buying magic items, and I didn’t terribly like the idea of coercing some guy. Then again, 2 experience and a scroll would be pretty juicy. I was only 2 exp away from level 5, and every level so far had been a huge step up in power for my party. My own personal growth was great and all, but everyone in my core party leveled with me.

Even if my spells end up being duds, there’s always a chance that Rowe or Syl or Sosima might get something cool. Either way, there doesn’t seem to be a rush on it. I’ll get to it if I have time. 

I had countless things I wanted to accomplish during my stay in Goatshead, but more than anything I wanted to relax. Experience and magic items were one thing, but I seriously needed to get smashed and forget about danger, plans, and experience points for a few hours. We assembled at the assigned meeting place, and while we were waiting for the guide I smiled. It was just like waiting for a bus with the boys on the way down town.