Well at Least I’m a Magic Pirate Now

Erastus 1

The sun crept out over the horizon, bathing the world in an orange glow. I popped my shade lenses on and stretched, scanning the island with a borrowed spyglass for the thousandth time. The gorgeous sunset, golden sands, and clear blue ocean water were positively idyllic, only barely marred by the light drizzle falling from the sparse clouds.

Two months ago, I’d have taken a picture of this view and thought it’d be a great vacation spot. Add in hot locals and I’d be trying to convince the boys to pool our money for a graduation trip. 

Of course, the illusion of tropical paradise began to fall apart the further one ventured inland. The sands gave way to overgrown marsh a few feet from the ship’s bow, which could have been nice in their own way if they weren’t dotted with collapsed houses on stilts. There were only about a dozen of them I could see, but the weathered wooden frames told me everything I needed to know.

It’s a fantasy setting. Abandoned ghost towns are always bad news. No exceptions. The first time I get near one of those houses, 5 ghouls are popping out to eat my face. Sure it could be snakes instead, or treasure, but I don’t have time to waste on treasure hunting. 

Owlbear had the Fatigued and Shaken status when I checked his character sheet; he was scared and probably hadn’t gotten any sleep. If Rowe was right, he was probably being kept in a larder for some giant monster that preferred live meals, or as fodder for some kind of ritual sacrifice. Nothing else Rowe could think of explained why the prisoners weren’t already dead. Autopilot didn’t know enough about monster husbandry or tribal rituals to guess how much time that gave him, but it sure as hell wasn’t enough for detours.

I gathered my party on the beach after a hasty breakfast of rice, and explained our mission.

“I did a bit of divination last night, and I’ve got good and bad news.” I said. “The bad news is that the name of this island is Bonewrack, and it has a ghoul infestation.”

“By the Boneyard…” Cog muttered, “those things are fast, smart, determined, infectious, and perpetually in a state of starvation. They’ll be hounding us the whole time we’re here, unless we can scare them off.”

Huh. Not a knowledge check. So he just knows about undead on his own. Neat. 

“Yeah, and unfortunately we need to find the grindylows quickly if we want any chance of saving Owlbear and the others.” I continued. “The good news is that we might be able to enlist the help of some locals. I checked for portents and there are at least two people, probably castaways, that are trapped here and want to leave the island. We obviously have quite a bargaining chip there, and the ship is understaffed anyway.”

“So we find them and they help us find Owlbear?” Rosie asked, “we should definitely pick them up, but is that really a priority? Wouldn’t it be easier to find a whole community of those squid guys than two people we know nothing about?”

“I’m not sure if it would be.” Sandara cut in, “aquatic creatures need different things than we do on the surface. If we see signs of fire, or cultivated plants, or freshwater? That’ll probably lead us straight towards castaways. Assuming they are castaways.”

“Find both.” Rowe said with a shrug. “Find people first, get help. Find fish goblins first, we kill then look more. Ship repair takes time.”

“It’s fine, we can just keep an eye out.” Syl said. “It’s the grindylows that have me worried. We repelled a strike force, yeah, but how are we planning on getting prisoners out of their colony? We’ll be outnumbered at least three to one, and they have the home field advantage. Hostages too, if they decide to work that angle.”

“We will need to see their camp before we can plan anything concrete, but I think I can summon a distraction.” I explained, "I haven't really summoned anything too destructive so far, but I don’t feel too upset about releasing a demon on these assholes.”

“Are you sure you can control it?” Cog asked, glaring at me with folded arms.

“If I’m sending it to rampage through a camp full of creatures that can barely hurt it?” I countered, “yeah, I’m pretty sure a Dretch would enjoy the power trip. I’m not planning on running around the forest with it, though. We can toss it into the fray, and hopefully sneak in while the grindylows are distracted.”

Rosie looked at her feet, taking a few moments to compose herself. The plan to unleash a demon among civilians seemed to upset her, which was understandable even if they were monstrous civilians. Unfortunately, we didn’t have a better plan. Nobody else seemed particularly disturbed by the plan; after all, they attacked us first.

“Short term, I say we keep to the coast, following along the edge of the cliffs.” I said, shifting to a more pleasant topic. “That’ll give us a good view of the water, and we’ll be a lot less likely to get lost. Even better, I can send something ahead to scout for us. This should be easy.”

••••••••••

On paper, the Voidworm was an excellent scout for dangerous environments. They could fly very quickly, obscure their location, regenerate from any injury within a minute, and it was literally impossible to impede their movements with magical or mundane restraints. I’d grown sufficiently attached to Dierdre that I didn’t want to risk her on dangerous missions until I could grant her the mild plot armor of a follower, so I had instead summoned a voidworm. It was in fact an excellent scout, but I regretted my decision anyway.

“I found another sunken ship! Nobody sentient is in it anymore, since it’s mostly underwater, but the grindylows should totally move in! It had this cool statue of a naked lady on the front!” The flying snake chirped at me, “I was a fish at the time, so my depth perception was off, but the inside of the ship had all these cool brass things. I don’t think they’d work anymore, but I bet they were really cool and useful once. There was this one tube made up of a bunch of smaller tubes and glass, and I think it might have been a laser gun. The hold was full of boxes, and when I pried one open it had this gross goo in it that was probably some kind of rotted organic slurry. It didn’t turn undead, but that would have been cool if it had; I mean can you imagine, you open a barrel and out comes this ooze thing but it’s not an ooze because it’s actually undead?”

“Yes, thank you for your report.” I groaned, “did you see anything that would be a threat to us, other than the ocean itself being a drowning risk, or indicate the recent presence of sentient life, recent being defined as the last few weeks?”

“Nope!” It flitted away merrily to start sightseeing again.

Maybe I should have been a little bit more strict with its orders. I could have probably strong-armed it into staying on task at least a little more, but no, I wanted to make sure that it would comply by giving it a fun sounding job. 

“Alright guys,” I turned to my crew, “take five, drink up. Nothing exciting in the next mile or two. I’ll keep watch in case he missed something inland.”

I’m not too proud to admit that the break was as much for me as anyone. I’d made some progress with strength training, but I had neglected cardio. I wasn’t “fatigued” as a status, so while I was tired Autopilot was not. I figured that a nice long hike would be good for my fitness if done manually, and Autopilot’s new body control talent probably meant that I’d shrug off any fatigue or dehydration the moment I relinquished control.

The rest of my team, except Rosie, were all thankful for the short rest. Everyone was in fairly good shape, but two hours of hiking through marshland and forests was no joke to people used to moving around the limited confines of a ship. Rosie, in contrast, seemed to revel in the opportunity to stretch her legs. I respected the hell out of her vigor, but was fairly sure I’d hate her if I didn’t have the ability to swap into cruise control at any time.

Our search had, thus far, proven mostly fruitless. The eerily quiet forest had tons of very old campsites, which the voidworm was only too happy to tell me about at length. Some had rusted old sacks of tools that Rowe picked through, or piles of mold and fungus that had probably once been food. Rosie thought it was very strange that so much had been left to rot; scavenging animals should have taken most of it and scattered the rest, even if the owners died suddenly.

“Ghouls only eat meat; preferably fresh.” Cog said ominously. “I haven’t heard any animals except insects since we got here. The ghouls have probably been active on the island for years, maybe decades, to destroy the ecosystem this badly. The birds would have lasted longest, ghouls usually can’t focus enough to use ranged weapons, but if there was nowhere safe for them to roost…”

He trailed off, letting us all stew on the implications as we continued walking. The voidworm, despite its eccentric nature, had already helped us circle around two packs of ghouls. Both had been headed towards the ship. I had sent word back via the voidworm, but messenger duty wasn’t technically in the little protean’s contract so I had no way of knowing if Caulky received the information in a comprehensible form.

There are enough ghouls here that they wiped out every native animal species on the island; what does that say about the survivors that are supposedly here? Hopefully that they are some of the hardest motherfuckers around, able to go full Rambo on these grindylows if it means a ticket off this island. That’d be nice. 

“I’m back!” The voidworm trilled as he flitted in from beyond the treeline, probably to tell me about another abandoned campsite. “Well I found a really cool cave that had a really homey vibe to it, with a mirror and a little whittling studio and a bunch of old boring books but nobody was there. I think someone might still live there but there weren’t any food stores; isn’t that weird? Anyway I was coming back to tell you but then I saw a bunch of people but I don’t think they were really people. You see, they had really long gangly limbs and were kinda ugly and pale and skinny so I think they might have been more of those ghoul things you were talking about and anyway they were coming this way. One of them had a neat scarf wrapped around his head like your muscle guy and it seemed to be the leader. But also I sensed someone with a gross aura of law. Not like a strong one, just a person who was really lawful, which isn’t particularly cool, except that none of the ghouls I’ve seen so far had auras I could notice so I thought it might be worth telling you about. She was some kind of partially fiendish lady who was following them…”

“Incoming, get ready.” I called, tuning out the word vomit once I processed the most important part, “ghouls are coming towards us.”

Everyone moved into a vague wedge with me and Sandara at the center and Cog at the front. Syl downed three bottles of stimulants, weakening her mental stats in favor of her physical ones. Sandara blessed us and called up an illusory doppelgänger. Rowe rushed to stick a small contraption into the ground in front of us, which flashed as magical under my detect magic vision. I didn’t have enough time to identify it before the ghouls were upon us, and time stood still.

The ghouls swarmed out of the forest in a seemingly uncoordinated mass of pale flesh. They were hairless creatures, with a strangely uniform appearance. Each of them were some shade of sickly green or white, with milky eyes. Their arms had grown an extra foot, allowing them to scramble forward on all fours, their foot long tongues flicking through the air past multiple rows of razor sharp teeth. Their bodies were brawny, yet emaciated, paper thin skin stretched tightly over a frame of unhealthily bulging muscle.

Not just zombies. Holy shit I was expecting fast running zombies. Not whatever the fuck this is. Ghouls, I guess. 

I was able to parse out their rudimentary strategy, thanks to the pause at the start of my turn. Each member of my team was jumped by a group of one to three ghouls that focused on them entirely. It wasn’t going in the history books, but it allowed them to avoid getting in one another’s way and didn’t leave any of us free to think.

The first five surged ahead, aiming for Sandara even if it meant rushing straight through our lines. Either they had identified her as a cleric somehow, or they were picking their targets based on who in the party had the most padding.

Rowe’s trap has been triggered, damaging ghoul 1. 

Rowe’s contraption launched a rusted hammer at the frontmost ghoul, which made an ugly crunching sound as it made contact with the thing’s side. As crazed undead, the ghoul only stumbled briefly before resuming its charge. As the five ghouls rushed past our front line, our weapons flashed out to make opportunity attacks on the fools who dared to ignore us.

My fist of fury glanced off of cold, clammy flesh to no effect. Given my total attack roll including Sandara’s blessing was a +1 and the damage was pathetic, I was neither surprised nor disappointed. Indeed, I barely noticed my own attack next to the carnage my friends were dishing out. Rosie caught one on the end of her spear, which Cog finished with a knife in the spine. Syl’s shoved her dagger into the heart of the ghoul still reeling from Rowe’s trap. Of course, this left Sandara to deal with three feral, hairless men all alone. She took a few steps back, leaving her doppelgänger to be torn apart by rancid claws before dissolving into a puff of fog. Sandara landed a parting shot on one of the confused ghouls, the point of her blade coming back covered in black blood. All the while, she clutched the Jolly Roger in her off hand, waiting for the perfect moment.

The assault on Sandara was far from over, but the rest of the ghoul pack demanded our immediate attention. While the rest of us made opportunity attacks, Rowe lobbed a small jar into the teeth of the ghoul horde, cackling with glee. It shattered on contact with the ground, releasing a spray of glowing orange liquid that ignited the moment it made contact with the air. The spray splashed nearly every ghoul in passing, but their rotting flesh wasn’t particularly flammable and few of them were wearing clothes. The decades of accumulated deadwood and undergrowth, on the other hand, lit up like a candle. The lightly toasted ghouls swarmed out of the growing inferno unscathed.

Damn it, Rowe!

When my turn arrived, I spent more time than I care to admit considering my options. Summoning or color spray were the obvious plays with a bunch of assailants all clustered together, but I was reluctant to spend the resources. I intended to summon a Dretch to rampage through the grindylows, but that left me with only two spell slots in the budget.

Darkness wouldn’t do anything, they don’t actually see with their eyes. Faerie Fire isn’t useful in broad daylight. Undead are immune to Charm Person, since it only works on living humanoid creatures from this plane. Curse? Who though? It’s not like any of them really stand out as high priority targets. Uh. Best to get myself into a safe position. I can figure the rest out from there. 

I levitated myself thirty feet into the air, then oriented my body so that I had a clear view of the battlefield. Looking down, I could support my cohorts from safely out of the ghouls reach. Even if my allies were overwhelmed, I would be able to drive them off with Rays of Frost or stronger spells as necessary. 

I watched the battle unfold beneath me. Two ghouls launched themselves at cog, claws outstretched, and as they struck him his body began to seize. As soon as the shuddering started, Cog dropped to the ground in a defensive curl, guarding his vitals in a clearly practiced motion. Though the ghouls clawed at his back, blows shockingly failed to pierce his skin, doing only nonlethal damage. The ghouls’ paralytic touch was one of their most deadly weapons, though it was of course ineffective on elves. (Knowledge: Religion 17+2=19) 

Seriously? You’re only bringing this up now? 

Syl’s daggers flashed in the sunlight, irritating to my sensitive eyes but devastating to the sole ghoul menacing her. She dueled with the creature, sidestepping it’s initial lunge and swiping at it in passing. She held her daggers defensively as it whipped around to face her, ignoring the long slashes weeping black ichor from its side.

I was shocked by the sudden appearance of another non-ghoul combatant on the field. A dark red skinned woman in a simple knee length black dress rushed to Cog’s side, black hair flowing in the wind, and pounced on one of his assailants. She rode the ghoul to the ground and ripped its throat out with a single sweeping strike, her manicured fingernails twisted into a claw. She bounced back to her feet, howling and flicking the black blood off of her hands. At the edge of my hearing, the unmistakable sound of clapping rose and faded in seconds.

The ghouls, now closely engaged with my team, were standing to fight. They reached out with their claws, grasping my friends and pulling them close to feast. This worked quite a lot better than relying on momentum and snapping jaws alone, and before my next turn Sandara was downed. Downed, paralyzed, about to be feasted upon, but conscious. Not finishing her off was a big mistake on the ghouls' part.

Sandara, as a cleric, could channel positive energy. I’d mostly seen her use this ability to heal the living, but it did have another setting: one meant to harm the undead. With a crack like distant cannon fire, a ripple of barely perceptible energy emanated from her Jolly Roger and crashed through the crowd of ghouls. Dozens of small bullet holes opened up across their bodies, causing her assailants to recoil in pain and interrupting their assault. The ghoul dueling with Syl fell silently onto its side, the phantom grapeshot opening a hole in its temple. The strange woman staggered and clutched her side for a moment, before pulling her hand away. (Sense motive 13+2=15) Few of the ghouls were destroyed by the positive energy blast, but they were all weakened.

Holy shit Sandara. Maybe you should have opened with that. Then again, on your first turn they mostly weren’t in range. 

Clean up didn’t take long. Syl, suddenly free, rushed to Sandara’s defense. Her daggers flashed, finishing one off with a slash to the spine and weakening the other enough to fall to my Ray of Frost. The last one attempted to finish Sandara off, biting a gobbet of meat out of her shoulder and dragging her into the negatives as she bled heavily. It’s final moment consisted of savoring the fresh meat before Rosie’s spear sprouted from its chest. Syl pressed some gauze against the wound to stabilize Sandara, but we needed to haul her and Cog away from the spreading flames, and fast.

As we fled, I saw the Voidworm toying with a single remaining ghoul, lashing it with its tail to induce brief bouts of madness. It wasn’t doing any damage directly, but any time the ghoul tried to escape the flames it found itself instead climbing a tree, flailing at the protean, or looking around in confusion. As the ghoul slowly burned to death, the Voidworm laughed playfully, its burns fading as quickly as they accumulated. The ghoul howled in incoherent rage until the voidworm’s demented game was over and it flew off to scout once more.

As we ran, I had Autopilot check the strange woman with detect sexuality, detect magic, and a good old fashioned perception check. She read as completely aesexual, shrouded in strong illusion and mild transmutation, and her hands were perfectly clean despite brutally clawing two ghouls to death. She carried Cog with no apparent difficulty for as long as he needed to recover from his paralysis and push her away. Her curved horns and maroon skin marked her as a tiefling, likely of the diabolic variety, and all signs pointed towards her being a disguised undead creature. (Perception 17+3=20) (Knowledge Planes 13+2=15)

Undead or not, she’s helping us for now. Why?

To lure us into a false sense of security? Her chosen appearance includes large breasts and a dress that shows off her legs. She might be intending to seduce one of us for an easy meal? (Sense motive 7+3=10) 

With a roll that low, you’re just guessing. Ok, best to proceed with caution. At least until Sandara is awake, we never let this lady out of our sight. 

We settled on a rocky cliffside beyond the reach of the forest fire, where Syl immediately began treating Sandara’s wounds, despite being a bit green from her stimulants’ aftereffects. I was hoping that the fires would go out on their own soon, since it had been raining all day. The forest was damp; surely it wouldn’t spread far. It was time to focus on the strange tiefling woman in the room, and that meant pretending to believe her con while warning my team.

“Thank you, My Lady.” I said, shaking her hand, “we weren’t expecting to find anyone so lovely or so helpful on an island like this.” Frankly, I don’t think we really did. There’s something unsettling about you and we shouldn’t trust you until I get a better grasp on your motives. (Bluff (innuendo) 5+10=15) 

Cog, bruised but largely uninjured, shifted as he parsed my meaning. His hand came off his dagger as he nodded at me imperceptibly. I clearly hadn’t been the only one to notice her strange behavior. Rosie tensed, gripping her pike, and turned away from the conversation to keep watch. Rowe bustled around, setting up small magical arrow traps around the camp and keeping her gun handy.

“I was glad to help,” the tiefling woman purred, smiling at the flattery, “it isn’t often I receive visitors to my island. I try to be a good host.”

“Oh? Well I certainly feel more welcome now.” I said, smiling warmly, “may I have your name, lady..?” (Diplomacy 12+7=19, you have improved target’s disposition by one step)

“Sosima Aulamaxa, of Kintargo.” She informed me, “most recently stationed on the Infernus as a petty morale officer. Unfortunately we ran aground here some time ago. I don’t suppose you have a ship that can take one more? I’ve grown terribly sick of this island.”

That seems like a terrible idea, but my quest log is bribing me to go for it. If she really wants to leave, I can use that. I’ll figure something out. 

“We do, but we have a mission to complete first. We’ve lost a few of our crewmates to grindylows.” I explained, “I’m sure someone with your obvious skills and knowledge of the land will make the job trivial.” (Diplomacy 18+7=25 success)

“Oh yes.” She nodded, her golden eyes bright. “It would be my pleasure.”

“We need to get Sandara in better shape before we get moving again.” I said, “do you think the fire will keep the ghouls away from us?”

“For a time, though it’s also likely to draw some attention.” She answered, eyeing each of us in turn. “We will want to move quickly once the flames die down. I do know of a healer on this island.”

Well she seems helpful enough, but how can I know if she’s sincere? Wait a second. I can. 

I nodded along with a thoughtful expression as I brought up my menu, trusting autopilot to keep her occupied while I checked the party menu. Under new recruits, I found a list with a single entry: Sosima Aulamaxa, level 2 ghoul, level 1 binder. 

So not only is she sincere, she’s the same level as me. Well, isn’t that interesting?