Born of Silicon

Vince and I stay up there watching the city for an hour before he excuses himself, leaving me with just my thoughts. This is real, isn’t it? It has to be. As much as I’ve tried to stay safe, my hope just keeps growing. I like these people, well most of them anyway. I still have to deal with Hummingbird one day, but that’s a problem for later. 

If this isn’t real? If it’s all just a hallucination in my head? Screw it, I’m dead anyway. I might as well enjoy myself while they let me. It’ll already break me if they pull me back now, it can’t get any worse than that. That doesn't mean I’m about to tempt fate and blink. I’m not that confident in reality yet.

I’m not looking forward to going out on a mission, but what option do I have? Hiding in the city? Risking the sands? Neither of them are real options. I’ll just have to do my best to keep it together. 

Which means I need to become more comfortable with the sounds of gunfire. Maybe Jade will let me stand in the range? Probably not, but maybe I can sit behind her table just out of sight. That’ll also let me test a few ideas to deal with the panic, assuming it’s possible to in the first place. That sounds like a plan.

I make my way into the range. The lanes are back in place and the warehouse is already full of people practicing. The sound of gunfire assaults my senses, but I was prepared for this. I’m ok. For the first time in a long time I tap my fingers in repetitions of 11. Androids don’t do that, but I just don’t care. It’s better than risking a meltdown. 

Jade opens the door to the backroom only a second after I walk in the door. I quickly make my way through. Only after she closes the door and steps away from the window where nobody can hear or see us does she talk.

“Range is open for you.” She says, gesturing me along.

“I’m actually here for a different reason. I need to get more comfortable with the sound of gunfire. Can I just sit near the door and listen? Nobody has to see me.”

“Knock yourself out.” She says, returning to her desk. I sit just beside it, entirely out of view but still within earshot. 

I sit there, listening to and feeling every make believe bullet. I begin to experiment. First up, simply turning off my ears. Sure it’s not a permanent solution, but it’s worth a try. 

The sounds of gunfire is replaced by the memory of gunshots, muffled by walls. The sound of every bullet tearing into someone, ending their lives. The sounds of their screams, yelling at and for me in equal measure. 

Fuck, that’s so much worse. I pull my knees to my chest and turn my ears back on. The memory of gunfire doesn’t immediately leave though. For minutes I’m assaulted by the combination of the two while the memories slowly fade. This is infinitely worse. I’m not ok, but I can hold myself together, just for the moment.

Finally the memories fully leave me. The sound of pretend gunshots are much easier to handle than the memories. I’m never doing that again. At least I’ve learned I guess. I was really hoping that would work.

“Do you have a quiet room where I can recover real quick? I really could use one.”

“Bathroom’s right through that door. Feel free.”

“Thank you.” I sprint through the door on the back wall. The room is thankfully soundproof. I’m ok in here, I’m safe. I should have thought to bring a book. It’s fine though, I won’t have access to a book when we’re fighting. I can’t rely on something I’m not going to have in the field. 

I call it fighting, but murdering is more accurate. Can I do this? I hack, not shoot. I don’t have to kill. I just have to figure out how to be ok with the fact that my friends are murderers. I guess I can figure that out later. 

For now, I just need to figure out how not to panic. Repetitions help, but certainly won’t fix anything. What about something a little different? If the sound is the problem, why not focus entirely on my vision? Don’t turn my ears off, just don’t acknowledge the sound. Sure there’s no functional difference to turning them off, but perhaps my mind can be tricked?

I open the door and head out, focusing entirely on what I’m seeing. I let the sound wash over me without acknowledging it or processing it at all. This is working far better than I would have expected.

Jade looks up from a tablet she was messing with and looks over to say something, although I have no idea what. I acknowledge the sound once again and it hits me like a wall. Repetitions, I’m ok. Just get through this conversation and I can run back to the bathroom.

“Sorry, what did you say?” I ask. My voice is so shaky that I can barely understand it.

“I asked if you were feeling better.” Apparently Jade can understand me at least.

“I think I have a method that works. I just can’t hear while I’m doing it.”

“Alright.” She shrugs, returning to messing with her tablet.

I attempt to once again focus solely on my vision, my touch, anything other than sound. The impact of every fake bullet disrupts every attempt at focusing. Even worse is that every attempt makes me feel worse. I try to turn off my ears for just a moment. Just long enough for me to center myself.

“You really think I’m going to let that work?” Mary’s voice immediately fills my ears, only to fade when I turn my ears back on.

“I’ll be right back!” I practically yell while running into the bathroom once again. 

It takes a few minutes of focusing on my fingers tapping to calm down. Eventually I manage to calm myself down.

I guess I just have to try this again. I turn my focus to everything except sound. I’m ok. I can handle this. I step out of the bathroom once again. It’s not blissful silence, but that’s ok. It feels just as good.

Jade looks over, and instead of talking just points to her ear. I shake my head and she goes back to her tablet once again. I don’t know how useful this will be during combat, but it’ll almost certainly help if our car gets caught in another storm.

Next I head over to the private range. I start with normal targets just pointing and shooting. I don’t let myself process what I’m doing. I’m no more than a machine designed to shoot targets.

Just like not processing sound, not processing what I’m doing works. I’ll just have to see if it keeps working with other targets. I hit the pad on the wall, turning my targets into silhouettes of people. Just point and shoot. Don’t think about what I’m doing. Just focus exclusively on my actions. I fire, again and again all the while feeling nothing. 

Eventually I take a step back, looking at the dots signaling where my bullets would have landed. The people I would have killed. I really don’t like this. It’s dangerous. I’m dangerous. 

My concentration breaks and the sound of gunfire fills my ears. The knowledge of what I did, what I’m capable of, weighs heavily on me. I once again sprint into the bathroom and collapse to the floor. I don’t want to be a monster. I won’t let it happen. 

I don’t spend long on the ground before standing up, It’s not helping me feel better. I need to get out of here. Focus on my vision. I can make it. 

Jade raises an eyebrow at me on the way out, but says nothing. I don’t let myself acknowledge the endless stares as I walk through the courtyard. I keep my eyes glued to my goal, the front door.

Oscar tries to say something as I walk past his desk, but I can’t respond. I can’t let myself do anything but focus on my goal. 

I grab the borrowed book from my room and head up to the roof to read. Only then do I let my focus drop, the sounds of talking from the courtyard and the sparking of the dome reach my ears. It’s overwhelming. I’m ok though, I made it. 

I open the book and descend back into a cute world of romance and zero worries. The conversations from the courtyard begin to grow steadily quieter as the hours pass. Eventually night properly arrives and the sounds of the city almost entirely fade. It’s just me, my book, and the crackling dome that’s keeping me safe. 

A little later Cassie comes through the door to the roof with a book in her hand. She sees me right away, but doesn’t turn around.

“Great.” She whispers to herself, quiet enough that I don’t think I was intended to hear it.

She heads to the opposite end of the roof from me and begins reading her own book.

I don’t want to disturb her, but a question burns inside me. The burning desire to ask grows inside me, and almost an hour later I’m forced to ask.

“Why did you decide you’re ok with me coming along?” I ask quietly from across the roof, trusting her ears are sensitive enough to hear me. 

“I’m not heartless, you know.” She responds quietly without looking up from her book.

“Thank you by the way. I don’t even want to think what would have happened to me if you said no.”

“Just don’t make me regret it.” She turns the page of her book.

“I won’t.” We return to our books for a few minutes before she speaks up again.

“You can’t lie to save your life.” She says on her own.

“What?”

“That’s why I said ok.”

“Oh. I guess that’s a good thing? My mom told me that people lie to make their own lives easier in the short term even if it makes it harder in the long run. I have enough long term problems, so I try not to lie. Even if it hurts I still try to listen to what she taught me. At least, before she started haunting me.” My voice comes out full of sadness and I let a few tears roll down my face.

“What was she like?” Cassie asks. She sounds like she genuinely cares.

“I don’t think I can talk about it right now.” I say. “It still feels too soon.”

“Time doesn’t make it easier.” Cassie says sadly.

“Your mom is gone too?”

“My whole family. 15 years ago.” 

Oh fuck, I make the connection instantly.

“During the AI war?” I’m certain I already know the answer, but I have to ask anyway.

She gives a slow nod, but says nothing.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t pity me.” she says seriously, finally looking up from her book. Her emerald eyes drill into me, daring me to try it again.

“Sorry.” Why am I so dumb? “I assume you don’t want to share?”

“Nope.”

We go back to reading our own books in silence. At least I know why Cassie hates me, I just don’t know what I can do about it. Should I even have to do anything about it? I mean no, of course not. I have just as much involvement with her family's death as she does with mine. I don’t blame her for hating me though, I could have very easily turned out just like her. At least she’s trying. 

We sit apart reading late into the night. Only a few hours before sunrise does Cassie get up and begin to head towards her room.

“Goodnight Cassie.” I say as she passes me.

“Night.” She responds reluctantly before disappearing down the stairwell.

I continue to read alone all night. I savor every single word as I read, enjoying this make believe world for as long as possible. I can’t enjoy myself forever though. Only a little bit after the sun would have risen, I’m brought out of it by the sound of Vince’s voice coming from the courtyard. 

“Mornin’ Jake.”

“Vince, Lucas. Two of you getting your car ready?” Responds the man I assume is Jake. I don’t think I’ve ever heard his voice before.

“Yep!” Lucas’ cheery voice drifts to the roof, followed by a heavy door opening and closing. I might as well see if I can help. I drop Cassie’s book off in my room and head down.

It’s still early enough that only a few people are making their way through the compound. Luckily none of them say anything as I walk past.

I head outside and walk towards the garage door. A gruff looking man with gray hair is relaxing beside it. He keeps his eyes locked on me as I approach and speaks before I get too close.

“What do you want, bot?” Both his voice and face make it clear that he’s unhappy with my presence.

I stop before I get too close to him, he already seems on edge. The last thing I want to do is make him more jumpy. I can’t just say that I want to go in, I have to be an android.

“I was told to come see if Vince needs help.” I lie to his face. I do my best to keep both my face and voice neutral, but I’m not sure how successful I am. He gives me a doubtful look before opening the door and yelling inside.

“Vince! Do you need the droid?”

“Yeah! Send her in!” He responds from deep in the building. The man nods towards the door and I head inside. The warehouse has a dozen vehicles parked inside, all of which have been heavily customized. The entire garage looks empty, other than Lucas and Vince.

Lucas pokes his head out of the window of the car we rode in last time. It’s parked right at the back of the garage.

“Blue! Perfect! Hand me that wrench.” He gestures to a wrench on the ground, just below the window he’s yelling through. He must have somehow dropped it out the window.

“Thanks!” Lucas says, louder than he needs to and takes the wrench.

“Hey Little Blue, what are you here for?” Vince walks around from the other side of the car, wiping gunk off his hands with a rag.

“I was on the roof and heard you go in. I thought I should try to help.”

“Well, I certainly won’t say no. Wanna learn how to check a battery?” He tucks his rag into his waistband and heads to the front of the car.

“I’d love to do literally anything.”

Working with the two of them goes quickly. Lucas wants to tell me absolutely everything about his car. Vince can only give me quick explanations about what he’s doing on the rare occasion that Lucas stops to breathe.

It turns out that nearly every car in the city is electric. Oil and gas is far too rare and far too expensive to use. Even a gallon of fuel would cost more than an entire car full of scrap.

Lucas also went into heavy detail about how cool it is that the tires aren’t made of rubber. Instead, they’re made mostly of silica that’s been pulled directly from the sand. According to him we have a ‘small surplus’ of sand, so tires are cheap to replace. When Lucas finally finishes his speech about tires, Vince jumps into the conversation before he can start on another topic.

“They’re saying the storm will probably pass in the next few hours. Are you feeling confident?” He asks.

I fill him in on the entirety of my experiments at the range. He listens intently as I speak, only responding once I finish my story.

“If not being able to hear will help you, we’ll make it work.” He reassures me. “Just keep me in the loop.”

“I will.”

There is an awful lot of work to be done, but the three of us make good time. I end up mostly just handing Lucas tools while Vince loads up the car with food and water. I would offer to help him if my servos could carry anything heavy at a reasonable speed, but it’d take minutes to load a single water jug into the car.

Lucas certainly isn’t complaining about me helping him, it just means I can’t get away from his endless teaching. Not that I’d want to, his every word only makes the car more fascinating.

As the three of us continue to work, several other groups begin to make their way into the garage. Some of them only have a single person doing the preparation, and a few have up to six people working together to get their car prepared for the coming journey.

Every single one of them constantly glances at me while they work. I’ve never been around so many people, never heard so many conversations. All their words blend together and Lucas has to repeat himself multiple times for me to understand him.

A few hours after we’ve started working, Vince taps me on my shoulder to get my attention. 

“Little Blue, why don’t you go get Ivy and Cassie. Tell them to get ready and get in here.” It takes him repeating himself six times before I finally understand him. 

“Ok.” I would love nothing more than to get away from all these people.