Denial is the Way

Break from the main story.

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Yan felt someone shaking him awake as he heard the words, "Daddy, daddy, daddy." 

 

Slowly opening his eyes as he blinked a few times, Yan caught the sight of Nan in front of him. The boy's hair was messy as his clothes did not look any better. Yan sat up, rubbing his face as Nan smiled at him. 

 

"Good mowning, daddy!" Nan greeted, moving closer to Yan as he wanted to stay next to his dad. 

 

Yan glanced at the clock on his nightstand, seeing that it said 6:15 a.m. He sighed. "Nan, why are you in here so early?" 

 

He spent most of the night setting up a room for Nan, putting his things away before getting back to looking through his students' works. Yan even ended up ignoring Kori's calls and texts. 

 

"NanNan stayed hewe all night," Nan responded. 

 

Stayed here all night? Yan thought to himself with a confused expression. He put Nan to bed in the room he made for him, so how did he stay here? 

 

Leaning forward, Yan could see a pillow and blanket on the ground, which was not there before. Sighing, Yan closed his eyes to take a deep breath before saying, "You cannot sleep on the floor or sneak into another's room." 

 

Nan's face fell as he looked at his fingers, playing with them. "NanNan wanted to stay with daddy. NanNan is scawed of daddy not coming back." 

 

Yan felt his heart tightening. 

 

He knew that Nan had mental issues because of him and Kim. Yan wanted nothing to do with his son and abandoned him before he was born, only to appear in his life because Kim forced him. And even then, he only came to see Nan on certain days, staying for only an hour or so. 

 

Kim may have kept Nan even though she never wanted to be a mother, but at times, she was not a good mother. 

 

Some days, when she got tired of being around Nan, she would leave the boy at home alone for hours before returning. So, at times, she would take care of him, and other times, she would neglect him. 

 

And Yan would say it is wrong, and she should send him to an adoption home if she did not want to be a caring mother. 

 

But she told him that he had no say because he abandoned Nan, so he was no better than her. 

 

From the fighting to the neglecting, Nan ended up having problems. He is mature for his age when it comes to taking care of himself, but other than that, Nan started to refer to himself in the third person point of view while having abandonment issues. 

 

Yan did not know how to deal with this; he did not know how to be a good parent or parent in general. 

 

"That is fine. You can sleep with me tonight, no more resting on the floor." Yan tried to lift Nan's mood. 

 

Nan looked up with a broad smile on his face as his eyes glistened. Yan could see that Nan was close to bouncing up and down. "NanNan can? NanNan will be a good boy so that NanNan can stay." 

 

Yan's lip twitched, but he did not smile. He honestly did not know how to respond. When it came to giving his best to someone, he always did it for Ender because he was the baby and youngest of the house. 

 

But when it came to his child? Yan's mind went blank on what he should say or do. 

 

The sound of someone's stomach growling resonated in the room, causing Yan to break from his thoughts. He looked at Nan, who was blushing due to his stomach. 

 

When he noticed his dad looking, he lowered his head while muttering, "NanNan is sowwy. NanNan will be quiet." 

 

Yan swallowed as his fingers shook. He wanted to comfort the boy and say it is okay. But did Yan have the right to? Instead, he asked, "Are you hungry? I can make you something." 

 

Tossing his blanket away, Yan quickly got out of bed, not waiting for Nan to respond. He felt like he was suffocating in this atmosphere. 

 

Nan quickly looked up again, reaching out his hand as he saw his dad getting up. He heard the words leaving Yan's mouth, but seeing his dad getting ready to walk out made Nan feel like he would never see him again. 

 

His hands trembled as he dropped them while his eyes began to water, but no tears fell. He did not know what to do to make any of his parents stay. Maybe he was not as good as he thought he was. 

 

"Awe you coming back fow NanNan?" Nan spoke in a low tone. 

 

Yan heard the words in the quiet room before he stepped out the door. He stopped, almost flinching as he slowly turned around. Yan could see his son's trembling body and watery eyes that looked ready to spill out. 

 

His stomach dropped due to the scene in front of him. Kim and I did this. I told her that being parents never fitted us. 

 

Yan walked back over, grabbing Nan as he picked the boy up. Nan was surprised by the movement, but he quickly wrapped his arms around Yan, not letting go because he was scared. 

 

Patting his back, Yan whispered, "I am staying. I promise, Nan." 

 

"Okay," Nan responded. He did not believe his dad, but he will do anything to keep his dad from leaving. 

 

Yan walked out of the room with Nan in his hold as he made his way towards the kitchen. But he did not get far when there was a knock at the door. 

 

He walked towards his front door, hoping it wasn't another surprise as he opened it. But when he did, Yan felt like he should stop answering his door because on the other side was Kori. 

 

"Yan, is something wrong? You haven't been-" Kori looked up, cutting himself off when he saw a little boy in Yan's hold. 

 

And the little boy looked like a copy of Yan, minus the blue eyes and light brown hair. 

 

"U-Uh, hi?" For the first time, Kori felt confused. 

 

Yan felt his blood draining from his face as Nan added the cherry to the cake. 

 

"Hi, awe you daddy's fwiend?" Nan shyly asked. 

 

Kori could only stare without response. 

 

And Yan felt like crawling into a deep hole. How is he going to explain something like this?