Dragon God’s System

The moment I stepped outside, Hyggiandi’s voice echoed in my mind, “Hey, genius. Aren’t you forgetting something?” I stopped, confused, not sure what she was talking about. Perhaps because of this, she continued, “Supplies. Do you know how long you will be gone? At the very least, take a water pouch with you.”

“Oh, good idea,” I replied. I immediately nodded to one of the maids and ducked back inside. While looking through the “magic” items, I had found a few non-magical belts. I decided to wear the belts and tie the bags of dried food to them. After all, I was a growing “boy” kobold and needed food to grow up all manly. Just to make sure I had enough, I used another belt to tie bandoliers around my chest full of more food. Unfortunately, I couldn’t carry them all. I already felt as if I was carrying my weight in dried food and water.

“Uh, are you packing for an entire kobold expeditionary party?” Hyggiandi sounded confused, as if the thought of one tiny kobold needing that much food had to be a joke.

“Of course not,” I said. “They can bring their own food. This is for me.”

“You do know that if you fall down, by the time you try to get up, you will have rocked yourself to sleep,” she said. “I mean, seriously. You’re not a Bag of Devouring.”

I had a response, but unfortunately, it wasn’t appropriate to our situation. It was that studies showed that men who point out a woman’s weight don’t live as long as the man who makes those comments. Since I was definitely not female, this really didn’t apply in my situation. Instead, I stoically took it like a man and ignored her.

Once I was ready, I stepped outside again and waddled my way toward Chuck Norris Bridge. With all the weight of the supplies, there was no way I was going to be able to fly. All in the interest of lightening the weight, I decided to nibble on some dried “jerky” as I teetered through the tunnels.

It actually took a lot longer than I expected. With my pitiful strength and low constitution, I felt like one of those role playing computer games I used to play. I would have thousands of items stored on me, far exceeding the weight capacity, and move as slow as a snail. Frequent breaks were to lighten the load by eating the supplies and not because I was exhausted.

Actually, snails didn’t sound all that bad to me at the moment. They probably tasted better than whatever it was that I was eating. Shuddering, I made a vow to only eat the best foods once I take over the world. Of course, until then, I would do what I had to do. 

Eventually, I made it to Chuck Norris Bridge where I realized I had a problem. I couldn’t fly across with all the weight. Sighing, I took off the supplies and started ferrying them across one by one before putting them back on. By then, Alsvartr had sent me a mental image of where I could find a colony of bats. She had even eaten a few and discovered that they did give experience points.

Quite pleased, I hurried as fast as my overburdened body could move. Eventually, I reached her location and looked up at the colony of bats that were hanging on the ceiling ahead of me. Unfortunately for me, I knew I was getting closer before I could even see them. Unlike in my last life, my ability to smell was more than sufficient to detect the smell from the massive mounds of bat guano.

While I knew it was a great plant fertilizer, I also knew that the guano could lead to some serious lung diseases. Because of this, I decided not to waste time and take care of them as quickly as possible. I wasn’t sure whether I was lucky or unlucky, but the colony Alsvartr discovered was a small group of a giant bat species. Despite this, there were enough bats that I was seriously worried about attacking the group of bats. 

However, it was at this point that I realized I didn’t have a plan on how to kill them. What I had thought about doing was something I really, really, really didn’t want to do any longer. My plan had been to cast the Sleep spell and then sneak up and kill them one by one. However, since the bats are hanging from the ceiling, they would probably fall if they fell asleep with a spell. 

Even if they didn’t, I would have to fly up and would lose the advantage of stealth. If they did fall, they would end up falling into the bat guano, which I had no desire to climb into to kill the bats. Not sure what to do, I just stood there, staring at them as I tried to formulate a plan.

“Really? You came all this way without a plan?” Hyggiandi’s voice echoed with disappointment. “And here I thought you would be smarter than the other kobolds. Are you planning on having a staring contest with the bats? No, I know. You are waiting for them to die of old age? Is that right?” 

The more she talked, the shriller and more nagging her voice became. Dang, instead of being a necklace, they should have forged her into a wedding ring. Only wives who were totally disappointed with their husbands could ooze such contempt and disappointment. Struggling to ignore her, I tried to come up with an alternative plan while she droned on.

“Did you come for the view or for the smell? Then again, you already have one bat. Are you planning on cheating on her, or are you going to invite her to join? Aren’t you a little young for such ideas? Then again, maybe you just like to watch. That’s really sick, you know. You should be ashamed. 

“I can’t believe I ever agreed to help you out. How do you live with yourself? Have you ever considered talking to someone about these types of issues? I hear there are some priests who specialize in dealing with people with your type of problem.”

I didn’t even realize that my teeth were grinding until I tried to figure out what was making such a noise. When I realized it was me, I couldn’t help but scream inside my head, “Shut up! I swear, one more word out of you and I will rip the magic right out of you just the way I did the other magic items.”

The sudden silence was gratifying. Taking a deep breath, I was about to start planning my new attack strategy when she said, “You wouldn’t dare. How dare you threaten a female. What type of man are you? Then again, looking at you, I guess you aren't a man. You have quite a large temper for a little…well, let’s just say boy, although that is debatable. Are you mad because you can’t…”

My primal scream or rage and frustration abruptly cut her off, which also startled the bats who then flew away. Seeing them disappear into the distance, I started screaming and shouting even louder at Hyggiandi. 

THE FOLLOWING HOUR OF SCREAMING AND THREATS WERE REDACTED DUE TO THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF THE INSULTS AND INNUENDO. THE SYSTEM AGAIN APOLOGIZES FOR THE REPEATED CENSORSHIP OF CONTENT. 

After an hour of spirited verbal dialogue with Hyggiandi, we finally came to an agreement. I wouldn’t threaten to destroy her as long as she shut up and let me think. Unfortunately, I somehow knew that she would not keep her part of the bargain. I was starting to understand why the note said that she nagged, a lot. She was actually starting to make me miss my ex-wife, the evil troll herself. At least she needed to take a breath between insults.

Still shaking in the aftermath of emotions, I took one mournful look at the empty nest of the bat colony. A single tear of frustration rolled down my cheek. I had walked so far and carried so many supplies with no result. It wasn’t like I needed the exercise. Heartbroken at the wasted effort, I dug into my supplies and ate away my disappointment. 

Luckily, Hyggiandi was wise enough not to say anything. If she said one more thing, I would go all Frodo on her and toss her into the nearest lava I could locate. Now I was certain that Dróttinn had something against me. First, he put me in a “safe” place next to Chuck Norris Bridge. Then he gave me the necklace with Hyggiandi in it. There was no other explanation. The chieftain must hate me.

Consoling myself with the thought of a necklace slowly submerging into lava and the myriads of possible ways I could get revenge on Dróttinn, I started walking back the way I had come. As for Alsvartr, I could almost swear that I could hear her eyes rolling in her head when I asked her to locate another bat colony. Despite this, she screeched once at me and then flew away.