I Am A Carnivorous Plant

Ding ding ding, I am the reigning champion!!!

That stupid crab didn’t stand a chance against me!

 

I think I have a new dream added onto my list! Or maybe I guess it’s one that I’ve had this entire time? I think I want to make it one of my goals in life to keep growing bigger and fighting giant monsters! That big-ass crab was a little tough for now, but in the future, ya know, once I’m big enough, I wanna wrestle at least one of every giant monster I meet! I’ll wrestle an ogre, and a cyclops, and a dragon, and a… Uh… A, um… Well, what other giant monsters are there? All I can think of is Godzilla, and I guess a dragon is pretty close to that already anyways. I guess the giant snake counts? But they’re the Water Spirit’s avatar, so I probably shouldn't. Don’t think it’s a good idea risking our status as allies just because I wanna test my strength. Oh yeah, there’s totally that ‘Avatar of the Wind’ thing that Til and I saw, too! That thing was definitely big, although I’m thinking wrestling it’s gonna be a bit difficult for me with all those sharp teeth it looks like it had.

 

I guess maybe the Ice Guardians will be big? I’m imagining some frost giant type things in my mind. …I wonder if I’m big enough to fight those things right now if that’s the case. Idunno, maybe the giant snake was right to doubt me on this one…

 

Welp, there’s no use worrying when I haven’t even seen the darn things yet! Best I can do is eat plenty of crab, get lots of photosynthesizing in, and do some proper reconnaissance before I go in! I promise promise promise not to rush in blindly like an idiot! How awful would it be if I came all this way just to die to the Ice Guardians and prove the giant snake’s doubts about me right? Yeah no, I’m definitely not gonna die here!

 

Oh yeah, and before I forget to mention, the crab was indeed pretty darn tasty! Surprise surprise, the crab tasted just like, you guessed it, crab. I had to bring back out my lil’ bush-dog to help me saw through some sections of its carapace, and it actually managed to break its teeth a few times going through it, but it totally helped me break into the shell in the end! Honestly, if this bush-dog’s teeth are this crazy effective, then it’s totally possible that the original bush-dog could have just chainsawed its way through that tree that kid and I were in instead of trying to gas us out. I guess the gas was just an easier alternative than burning through its nutrients healing itself while its teeth broke from boring through the tree? I know it was certainly costly for me to repair the miniature bush-dog’s teeth so many times. If the darn crab wasn’t so big and likely to refill my used up nutrients, then I might not have even freaking bothered. You better believe I ate that thing shell and all! There was no way I was gonna waste a single part of it after all it cost for me to get!

 

I considered catching and eating more of the crabs, but in the end I decided to just not. The one I fought was a fun little experience, and I guess it gave me a nice little appreciation for my bush-dog, but uh… No, I don’t think it was really very worth it in the end. Its richness was a wonderful treat to my nonexistent taste buds, but I gotta say, it just didn’t really give me enough pay out for how much work it was. Maybe I’ll try it again once I’ve finished ransacking this mountain for aqua cores, but for now I’m thinking I just let sleeping crabs lie.

 

Maybe one day, crabs.

Maybe one day.

 

~~~

 

Alright, it’s time! No more procrastinating with crabs! I’m climbing the mountain now! I repeat, we have landed on the mountain!

 

As of now, these root-feet of mine are on mountain soil! It happened, it really happened! I have absolutely no clue how far up this thing I need to go before the ice guardians start showing up, but I’m definitely on the lookout, you know? I’d hate to get ambushed by these supposedly strong things and like, immediately die, so I’ve been paying extra super special attention to make sure nothing’s gonna sneak up on me! I’m a little slower here, because of how steep things are, and if I wanna go faster, I have to use the trees to help me climb up. But, like, if I use the trees, then it cuts off a very important part of my senses, via my roots, so I’ve been going very slowly so far.

 

Also… Uh… Well I don’t wanna lift my feet up from the soil here!

I’m not kidding when I say my roots might be in love~!

This soil is practically made of magic!

 

Do you remember when I found that one cave? The cave with the bear and the bones and all those amazing, wonderful minerals packed inside of it? The one that felt like a spa-day for my roots? Well if that felt like a hot steam bath, then this one feels like jacuzzi jets or something! It’s like millions of little bubbles are sweetly tickling my roots every time I root myself, in a good way! Sure, it makes me wanna wiggle and squirm a bit, but I’m not complaining even a little bit! I hate to admit it, but in the four hours that I’ve been on this mountain, I’ve already stopped to just enjoy the soil and photosynthesize for about two and a half of those hours, give or take. The amount of magic that steadily flows into my seed through my roots every time I do it is insane! Okay, let’s be real, it’s not as good as me eating something; Maybe it’s only as good as if I ate the ‘shrooms off of a few small animals. Still, the fact that it’s giving me anything at all is still amazing compared to every other soil I’ve found so far, including that bear cave. It gives me stuff for free, how could I ever pass that up?

 

Yeah, it’s really looking like my progress up this mountain is gonna be slow because of this, but can you blame me? It’s a super great opportunity! Also it feels good. It feels really good! If this weren’t the Water Spirit’s Territory, I’d take up living here immediately, no questions asked! This would be my territory in a heartbeat, promise. The Forest Spirit is lucky this land still makes me mildly uncomfortable, or it’d have to say goodbye to me for sure!

 

So yeah, you can see why I haven’t really made a ton of progress. But it’s good going slow, you know? I really don’t know very much about these Ice Guardians and how they’re gonna come at me, and it gives me some time to appreciate the terrain. If I had one regret, though, it’d be that I haven’t had any snacks to accompany my photosynthesizing so far. Maybe I’ve spoiled myself lately, but the past while since I left the elves, I’ve always had a snack or two by my side to keep me full and preoccupied while I sunbathed. Somehow it just kinda feels wrong to not have something to keep me topped up while I’m doing it, you know? I mean, I am trying to grow, so I’m burning through resources while I photosynthesize, which means it’s only right to have it, right? Besides, I’m being constantly refilled with magic, so I’m sitting really pretty on that, but my nutrients are actually starting to dip. I can cover that up with all the magic I’m getting, to an extent, but soon this low constant trickling in of magic isn’t gonna be enough to keep that up. And honestly, it’s making me a little worried that I won’t be properly prepared once I do find the Ice Guardians, you know? I would hate it if the amazingness of this soil ended up being my downfall in the end… Or really, if we’re telling the truth, the fact that I don’t know how to do things in moderation.

 

Man, won’t anyone send something edible my way?

Water Spirit? Anyone? Please, won’t you have pity on a poor, hungry, overindulgent plant?

 

~~~

 

It took me almost an entire day, but I finally found something!!!

 

Once night came, a pack of large white wolves, perfect for a snack, showed up! It’s amazing to me that it took so long to find a single thing to eat, but I guess that was just because most things on this mountain are nocturnal or something. And with the way the temperature absolutely plummeted once night hit, this awful cold temperature must be much more agreeable for them, considering how fuzzy they are.

 

You know, maybe one day I’ll find more of these or something similar and convince Til to make me a fur coat. I haven’t really been bothered by the changes in temperature during this time of mine as a plant, contrary to what I would have expected. But DAMN is it cold right now!!! It’s so freaking chilly, I feel like the petals that make up my skin are going to fall off! I’ve basically been wrapping myself in my tentacles to try and get any amount of protection, but it’s not really helping very much.

 

Really, how am I going to make it up to the top of the mountain if it’s already this cold down here…?

 

…Maybe I’m gonna have to give up on Til making it for me, and make a coat myself right now? I mean, that’s the only thing I can figure that would work, you know? I’m magic and all, and I wanna believe that I could just regrow anything that decided to fall off of me from the cold, but that’d end up being pretty darn expensive, and I’m already not really doing too great on nutrients right now (Which I admit is completely my own fault). So why not give it a try? Who knows, wearing something might just suit me. Yeah, these wolves are more of a godsend than I thought, if this is how it’s gonna be!

 

Fighting the things wasn’t all that difficult. Only 6 of them showed up to play with me, and I’ve had plenty enough experience with wolves to figure out how they were gonna attack me. A few carefully placed spring vines paired with my oh-so-powerful tentacles did the trick pretty handily, and any wounds and scratches I sustained completely didn’t matter in the face of imminent food! I’m glad it was actually still so easy, because the wolves were pretty big, and could move a lot better than me on this terrain due to their… Uh… Hooves? Didn’t notice it at first, but maybe these are actually just really vicious looking mountain goats? They don’t have horns at all, and their fur is definitely big and bushy fur, and not… whatever it is that regular goats have. Besides, this is totally a dog head! Oh, but I guess their tails are a bit goat-like, huh? Ah whatever, it doesn’t matter what stupid feet or tails they have, they’re getting eaten by me regardless! Show me whatever weird crap you like, fantasy world; It’ll all end up in my digestive sack!!!

 

Alright so let’s pick the nicest looking one and eat the rest, okay? I’m mighty damn hungry, and I need some nutrients in me right now! And then, uh… Oh, I guess I can use the bush-dog to help me out with this? This little guy is actually really turning out to be quite useful! It’s… gross, let me be perfectly honest about that, but the bush-dog can easily burrow in and hollow out the insides of this wolf so I can wear it! I just gotta not look at the spookily wiggling corpse while it does it…

 

Yup, by the time I finished dismantling and eating all the wolves, the bush-dog had already finished. Man this little dog is efficient! I leaned down and gave it a few pets for a job well done, and it kept making this odd little sound as its leaves and small branches ground against me in happiness. It did that yesterday, with the big ass crab, too. Kinda gives me an idea, you know?

 

=Guess I’ll name you Shui, after that sound you make.=

 

I needed to give my little baby corpse plants names anyways, and this is as good a name as any, right? It’s basically a combination of the sound its leaves were making and the SH from ‘bush’. Besides, doesn’t it just sound fast and dangerous somehow? It fits perfectly with what the bush-dog is gonna grow up to be! As far as me naming things goes, this was a stroke of genius if I do say so myself!

 

I continued petting Shui, proud of having named it finally, but for some reason it completely stopped acting affectionate with me, and instead just quietly turned away.

 

…What, do you not like your new name you little bastard?!

I chose that name especially for you, though!

It’s a great freaking name, and you’re gonna learn to LOVE it, dammit!

…Let me tell you, Shui makes very different sounds when it’s getting tossed around the place!

_____

AN: Heyyy, I'm gonna have to take a week off, but I promise I'll be back with a double post on Sunday the 30th to make up for it!