Madman’s Retirement

Grant had finally introduced his bear as Honey Ursa and the fact that he was teaching it alchemy. The biggest surprise about all of this was… that Grant was alchemist?

“Really?” Asked Grant flabbergasted. “Not the fact that I’m teaching a honey bear alchemy, or the mildly stupid name? How about the fact he’s wearing pants?”

Grant did, in fact give Honey Ursa pants. He was going to give the bear a robe to go with it, but considering the bear constantly had a honey hive being underslung from his arm, he decided to put it off. For now. Alchemist honey bear was still what Grant was aiming for.

“Well,” said Leon as he polished his sword, trying to extend some tension. The same group of adventurers who’d gathered for honey gathered for this story, as Grant did tend to be a one man show. “No offense, but we knew about the honey bear alright? Giving him a funny name and dressing him funny isn’t out of norm for beast tamers, rare as they may be. But you being an alchemist? It’s kind of left field. You’re a good swordsman you know? We’ve been betting monk for a while, especially with all that meditating you do.”

Grant had to concede that, he hadn’t done much alchemy recently. He made the shrooms using his comprehension of the laws of life and creation, but the only real alchemic creations he’d made were the clothes he’d been wearing, and the incense Dain and Natalie had been using, neither of which the adventurers had been present for.

So he decided to put on a little show.

“Alright, you have a point. All of you. So how about I prove my alchemic skill? Any volunteers?” People tensed, and no one raised their hand. Of course they wouldn’t! They still hadn’t seen him do alchemy. They had no proof he was any good, he could just be a bad alchemist. What if they ended up with a third arm? A third leg perhaps? In the end though, he still got the victims volunteers he needed eventually. He coerced one male D-rank adventurer, and poor Leon, who eventually got egged on by everyone else. He spoke for them, so he was going to endure for them. Leon would be grateful when all was said and done.

The first thing Grant did was create an old favorite. A rather funnily shaped plant, which came in a variety of shapes. What makes it funny? Each plant looks like a piece of science equipment. Flasks, centrifuge, boilers, each plant with a eerily similar shape, and a similar purpose to the actual equipment. Controlling the plants, Grant took a select mix of cheap herbs, planning to make one of his bestselling products. Once he poured the mix of materials into the plant, he willed it to shred, which it happily obliged, as it revealed sharp teeth, and closed its flower head.

The plants were in fact monster plants. One of his later creations. Cheap and easy to produce as long as you were aware of the template. They were his favorite to use when conducting experiments on the go. Their later evolutions were great for alchemists too.

A loud grinding noise occurred, and the adventurers could only look on in abject horror and amazement, as Grant commanded the plant to tear the materials to shreds, and the loud noises greatly assured them his will was being done. Soon the noises died down and the plant tipped over, a weird glowing green goo slowly dribbled out of the plant, filling 40 vials.

“Well?” Asked Grant as he shook the very ominous bottle. The other adventurer looked very nervous and Leon was starting to wish he hadn’t brought this topic up at all. Nonetheless, the poor adventurer drank up while Leon and the other adventurers watched on.

At first the adventurer didn’t seem to feel anything. And for a brief moment, they wondered if Grant had made a dud. Not every potion an alchemist makes is a guaranteed success. However, Grant hasn’t made a dud in centuries.

The potion finally kicked in.

Adventurer 1 crossed his legs, as his face blushed a deep crimson red. And a rather noticeable tent had appeared in his pants.

Grant giggled as he shook a line of the very same vials, all bound together by a vine grown from the flaskerplants. “My bestselling potion.” Grant wiggled the potion around as everyone giggled at the poor guy’s misfortune. “An aphrodisiac that depending on the dosage can keep you active from as short as ten hours up to a year, depending on concentration” he cooed as the eyes bulged out of every adventurer’s face. “What’s more” he boasted, “after 30 usages your penis will grow an inch. Ladies can look forward to a loss of five pounds after every vial.” Grant dropped the other 39 vials in the adventurer’s hands. “For your own personal time, as a reward for volunteering in my presentation.” While certainly embarrassed, the man certainly took Grant’s offering. If it really worked for 10 hours, he could get a lot of “work” done. The man walked happily over to the crowd, while people were of conflicting stands.

Some were jealous. A penis growth potion and increased endurance? Of course, he could be lying, but that could be obviously proven as long as they kept an eye on the adventurer. Women were chomping at the bit, 5 pounds for just one vial? Forget the sex, that’s an easy 5 pounds dropped!

Others were in disbelief, as such a miraculous potion seemed impossible. Potions that could permanently change the body like that were rare and hard to find. The ones found on the black market were often known to have side effects. This random new adventurer was an alchemist who’d managed such a thing? Ridiculous!

And then there were those wondering whether creating aphrodisiac was really a prime example of alchemy. Grant however, truly believed so. As an alchemist who aimed to create life and improve preexisting life, the knowledge on how to modify bodies was an important step. Even if you have to settle for aiming at the philosopher’s stone, is it not necessary to understand how a potion alters the body? How else could you understand the creation of a stone that makes you immortal? The ability to “make your monster grow!” was a side effect of those experiments.

Not done yet, Grant walked over to the centrifugal plant which had been working hard as it swung itself around in wide circles as its head spun like a child who had spun themselves one time too many. Thanking the centrifugal flaskerplant for its hard work, Grant squeezed out about 20 doses of a amber golden liquid, before taking one and handing it to Leon.

Leon took a look at the ominous bottle. His brother-in-law sat nearby and watched, while Leon fretted, worrying about what this potion would do. No matter what it does, he was sure Elaine will hear, and he will not hear the end of it. “Bottoms up” The adventurers leaned in, curious to see what would happen this time. Alchemists do make for fun companions in times like this.

At first Leon didn’t feel anything. And then, a weird twitch. Nothing major, though his body felt funny, as weird sensations went through his body, and he even heard cracks and twitches. Didn’t hurt though. Actually, he felt great.

Everyone else was horrified though.

At first, nothing had happened until something seemed to have slithered under Leon’s skin, with bumps moving around under his skin. Bones cracked, and skin flaked, as his skin warped.

Some people were horrified, backing away slowly, others confused, and some even seemed calm. The merchant looked like he was about to lunge at Grant, were it not for Grant’s self-assured visage. “Don’t worry,” he said, “this is all part of the potion.” The merchant was anxious but chose to watch. He was a merchant after all. The first potion already had seemingly great effects (that would require observation) and if this turned out to be beneficial, it might be worth selling. And if it failed, well, there were c class adventurers who could arrest this man for malpractice.

Luckily for the merchant, nothing bad happened to Leon.

Leon felt better than he had in years. Getting into his 40s, Leon had already begun planning for retirement. He was a d rank adventurer and was already getting old in a dangerous occupation His wife was a merchant, and he could drop his job in support of her. Work as a trainer for adventurers or even train the private military for his wife’s company.

Right now, though, he was feeling great. His arms when bent felt more resistant. His body was far firmer than before. Leon examined his body, feeling more energetic than before. Leon’s back no longer hurt!

Everyone else was watching Leon touch himself with amazement. The man looked 10 years younger! Everyone knew old Leon, but only now they saw youngish Leon and youngish Leon was hot in that mature man that way! No wonder he managed to snare a merchant’s daughter. Oh what kind of story was that? Grant was half tempted to give the man’s mind a quick scrounge but ultimately decided it’d be more fun to sneak more of the story out of him with some honey beer. Oh, and it’d be rude for him to do so to a friend. Acquittances were up for grabs.

Deciding to present now that the main course was present, Grant began presenting. “So, Leon how are you feeling” asked Grant as he walked around Leon, inspecting him. “Feeling better than ever? Feeling like you can bench orcs all day? Perhaps in fact you’re feeling 10 years younger?” Leon looked at him in amazement. “You mean…” “indeed” confirmed Grant, “I just made you ten years younger, all for the only drawback of your dick growing an inch with each dose. Ladies should expect breast and ass growth of 1 ounce.”

This led to some confusion. Why would this be bad, when the main selling point of his previous product was that it led to organ growth? While some wondered about this, the merchant and Leon, amongst the older adventurers, had already grasped the heart of the issue.

“Grant, if I understand correctly,” asked Leon cautiously “the aphrodisiac works by number of usages, rather than dosage?” Grant nodded, a grin coming onto his face. “Then the issue is that it’ll grow too fast in comparison to the aphrodisiac and it’s slow growth?”

“Ding, ding, ding!” Exclaimed Grant. “We have a winner. And your prize, 19 more doses!” Shoving the string of vials into the younger Leon’s hands, Grant ran to the center to begin a little lesson. These poor adventurers looked like they could use a hand in comprehension after all.

Using earth magic, Grant created a chalkboard before producing an equally important piece of chalk, a stick, and then finally a pair of glasses to go over his face, which looked rather weird given the funny mask he was wearing. “Attention” he called as he slapped the stick against the chalkboard, like he did in his time as teacher, catching the adventurer’s attention, getting them to silence, and wonder what the hell was going on. From aphrodisiacs to classroom lessons, a weird combination indeed.

“Today’s class is for those of you who skipped “Making Deals with Djinn or just merchants in general 101. First lesson: make sure to always analyze the wording of a deal or product description. If you’re not careful, you’ll end up scammed, or in the case of Djinn, with a 10-inch rooster!” Moving on, regardless of whether or not they got the joke, Grant wrote two words on the chalkboard.

Usage

Dosage

“In this case, notice the difference in terminology. “For the aphrodisiac, I said every 30 uses, whereas in the youth potion, I said every dose, What’s the difference? Yes Dain?” Asked Grant, as he called out Dain, who had been clearly trying to hid from Grant’s view. But, like any teacher in school, Grant saw, him, and by whatever god you hate, he was going to choose Dain.

Sighing, Dain responded. “Dosage refers to the number of bottles or a base unit, while Usage refers to the number of times you use a potion, and while they could be conflated, given the current situation, I’m going to assume you intended something else?”

Grant nodded. “Very good Dain, and for your effort, 5 doses of the aphrodisiac.” He walked over and handed Dain the vials, and leaned in, whispering loudly, “I’m sure you can find someone to use it with” as he elbowed Dain, in the direction of one giggling Natalie, who had been cuddled up to Dain during this little event. A collection of chuckles spread through the room, while Dain blushed.

Grant cleared his throat as he walked back to the center of the room, returning all the attention to him. “As Dain has pointed out, usage does not equal dosage. You could use 10 doses of it and go on a hundred-hour frenzy and that would still only count as 1 usage. In contrast- “Grant held up the youth potion. “One of these is 10 years and an inch. Using 10 of these in one go would take off 100 years and give 10 inches. The reason this is an unfortunate side effect is because realistically there is only so large your third leg can grow before it becomes, well, a third leg. And women get more back pains the larger their breasts get. There’s only so large they can get before a woman can no longer walk properly.”

Realization dawned on the adventurer’s faces as they thought about it. How hard would it be to fight or even walk if you always had to worry about the little head peeping? More vicious monsters could do terrible things… As the adventurers thought of something horrible, like hyenas and their ball strangling tactic, the adventurers clutched their legs together, as their faces paled.

The women imagined a life of eternal strife and back pains, though those flatter chested didn’t seem to mind as much. Grant nodded as he saw that his point had been made. “The most you could take realistically is 10 potions, so at the very least you could rewind the clock 100 years. But remember: wording” He drew that on the board and circled it thrice. “Any questions?”

One adventurer raised his hand, and when Grant picked that young adventurer, he asked.

“How much” The real money shot.

Thinking for a moment, Grant decided on: “1 silver for a vial of aphrodisiac, and 10 gold for 1 youth potion.”

Thus, Grant accidently started on the path that would lead to him becoming known as the alchemist of lust, whether he wanted to be called that or not.