Maniac’s Mayhem: A guide to being a corporate slave

"The worst thing they can say is no."

--Words given to a recruiter before asking Liquid Catalyst if she would do lingerie modelling. Afterwards, several crystal shards needed to be removed from his body, The Purple Truth 2051

I wake up with a start from an annoying beeping in my ears. I check myself over quickly, and I am mostly fine. Just a bit sore. And I can breathe again the stale air of the Badlands has never tasted better. But why it tastes like spring lemonade remains a mystery.

“What is that stupid beeping?” I say when it does not stop

That indicates that your shield is almost out of energy and that you should recharge.

“Wait, my shield,” I say while looking at the panels flicker ominously.

Suddenly, my footing disappears, and I fall about 3 meters down to the ground. I somehow managed to land and turn it into a roll to bleed off my momentum. Well, that at least tells me that my parkour knowledge purchase was worth it. I stand up to see that Bubbles is spraying well bubbles at; how to say this? Let's just say a Model 3's bigger, angrier cousin. Magenta, for her part, still has her crystals out.

‘Lyssa, what is going on?’

Model 21 can be completely camouflaged. They usually hunt in groups, so be careful.

‘Ooh, great, so where are the other ones? Any way to spot them?’

With your limited eyesight, it is going to be hard. Lyssa recommends the purchase of sensory drones.

‘Yes, please’

New Purchase: Class I Cyberoptic Relative Automated Zunyite Yellowjacket x10

Points reduced to... 90

Before I can wonder where my points have gone to, a swarm of insects the size of my finger appeared. They all have yellow and black stripes and three-segmented bodies. They all fly up and spread out. Suddenly, the outline of two Dahlia appear in my vision. I activated the bubbles on my sword and charged at the closest one, trailing bright blue bubbles behind me.

As I come up to the first one, I dodge to the left and under its massive jaws as it tries to bite at me. I turn my sword in a large vertical overhead arc, landing it on the back of the neck, only to bounce off its shell. Well, fuck me. I guess that is not going to work. Then, the remnant bubbles hit the shell and pop burning holes into its metal wood-like armour. Or maybe this can work. I just need to fight differently. I back off several steps to create more space for the incoming engagement.

I try to observe the oversized murder bush. But it is kind of weird the wasps are only able to give me a weird outline. This means that I know where it is but, at the same time, can look straight through it. Also, I can now somewhat look behind me, which makes this entire experience even more of a headache than it already was. It does, however, make me aware that one of the strangely vine is coming up behind me. I jump to the side at just the right moment to let it fly past my right side; I stretch out my arm, running the flat of my blade all along its side and back, basically petting the thing with my blade. And leaving a stream of baby blue doom bubbles all over it.

The acid eats into the creature, leaving it a mess that can't properly move anymore because its left side limbs are falling off. I take a quick look around so we have the heavily wounded, the one I hit before, and a completely healthy one that is curtly coming out of what looks to be the remains of a box truck. It almost feels like Demeter is taking it easy on me. I run at the one with the small wound and slide underneath it, leaving a streak of acid on its underbelly. Removing any chance of it making any meaningful contribution to the fight, I get up only to be sent flying again by the remaining weed.

But since I saw it coming this time, I had already made myself small and turned my back on it, which meant that I landed several meters away with only minimal harm. Okay, I am pretty sure my left arm is not supposed to bend that way, so correction with only a medium amount of harm.

“Well, you oversized watermelon. Is that all you got.” I taunt the creature.

It reacts and comes at me. Or is it the smell of blood that I am leaving behind that makes it go into a frenzy? Who knows? Not me, and because I don’t, I am going to say it is angry because of what I said. As the thing comes bounding at me, I decide to do something a bit fancier than normal. I jump up, putting one foot on its face and dropping my blade on its back; with the resulting momentum, I jump on my blade, using it as some improvised snowboard to slide all along its back.

I want to say I stuck the landing and got the sword back in my hand. Sadly, I am not that cool, so to make up for it, I take a pen out of my inside pocket and throw it at the bundle of ivy with a hole burning in its side, creating a larger hole in it, dooming it to the compost pile. I then turn around quickly, grabbing one of my javelins and throwing it at point blank into my improvised ski slope. That only leaves the one whose belly I acidulated. Its leg joint has come off, leaving it just a torso and head. I pick up my sword and walk up to it. You have to admit that these things are something else. Even with most of its limbs removed, it still tries to bite at me. I give it a good few whacks with my sword, and the pumpkin goes under as well. I turn around to see both Bubbles and Glowstick staring at me.

Targets Eliminated!

Reward... 6600 Points

“What? Is there something on my face?” I say when they just keep staring.

“I don’t know because you are still wearing a mask”, Bubbles says with mouth agape. Guess my performance was really that cool.

“Maniac, your arm is broken. Doesn’t it hurt?” Glowstick says, pulling me out of that string of thought.

“Uhm, not really, but probably should get it fixed, Lyssa?” I say

New Purchase: Class I Nano-Regenerative Suite

Points reduced to... 6670

New Purchase: Calcium Supplements

Points reduced to... 6665

You should hold your arm in a good position while the nanites heal it. To make the process go quicker.

‘Don’t you have a sling or something?’

Lyssa does, but having you take care of your injuries might teach you that you can’t be using it as an improvised shield. It will only take a few minutes anyway.

‘Fuck, fine if it makes you happy.’

With that, I somewhat try to keep my arm in place while the miracle bots do their things. In the meantime, I try to control my new service drones a bit. They are pretty advanced, really mobile, and have a full spectrum of wavelengths they can look into. Honestly, ultraviolet is really cool and makes everything look funky. And when I am sure that I know at least the basics of this thing, my left arm is back to normal again. So we continue our walk. I try to improve my aim by trying to nail the tulips at an increasingly further range.

“Can I ask you something? ” Glowstick asks after not seeing anything for a while.

“Sure, go for it. We have nothing better to do,” I say, still looking around the area with the drones. I should have bought these things sooner.

“Why pens?” she asks

“What do you mean why pens?”

“Why carry so many? There is probably more convenient ammunition.”

“I mean, sure, but people always like to say that the pen is mightier than the sword, so I thought I finally put that theory to the test. I got to admit it’s not holding much water or, I guess, ink.”

“Wait, really, you know that is just corporate bullshit made to tell the people that standing up and fighting is pointless, And that you should talk stuff out, right?“

“Not sure that is where it comes from, but I guess. But it is kind of fun to flick them at mach 2.”

“Where do you even get all the pens from?”

“Ooh, I steal them mostly. When I was just starting out, I had nothing, and most people don’t miss a pen or two. So, I kind of just started collecting them over the year. Hey, I still have one of the pens I nicked from the guy I flung out of the window as a reminder.”

“Wait a moment so your hobby is stealing and collecting pens?”

“Yes, everyone needs a hobby. This was just one of the less destructive ones available.”

“What is a destructive hobby?”

“Mostly drugs and alcohol.”

“Ahh, well, collecting pens is a lot better then. Just thought you be into street art or something with your whole vibe.”

“I mean, I like street art, never been able to try it before, but I guess I can do it now. Slapping some giant M onto the side of New Hope headquarters can be fun as long as I stay away from the colour yellow. Don’t need them to think I am advertising something.

“Yeah, art is always fun.” Glowstick says, “If I am free, I can come with you. We can do some tagging together.”

“Huh, I thought you would be all right; no vandalism and such.”

“Nah, no love of me is lost on the corpos. Ever since my parents kicked me out for wanting to be a girl, I have stopped caring about the corporate life.”

“I see; wait, you mean to say that you were not always a girl?” I ask in confusion, looking at her.

“Correct, samurai tech is amazing, don’t you think.” She says with a shy smile

“Fuck I might need to consider looking into it. Your skin is amazing.”

“Well, I can give you some advice when you become a boy.”

“Wait, no, that's not what I meant; using it to look better. I have no interest in an attack stick.”

“Don’t you have like three attack sticks strapped to your back at the moment.” Bubbles says with a giggle.

“Well, I never said anything about using substitutes.” I say with a shrug.

We spent the rest of our day without getting jumped by any number higher than 10, so it became something more like a pleasant hike. One where we have to occasionally swat some flies. We spent most of the time talking about make up and skin care of all things. Well, at least now I know how to keep myself mortised in the vacuum of space.

When we finally reach the cars, Bubbles and Glowstick start to set up their vehicles and turn them into some kind of campers.

“Wait, hold up, no, not like this,” I say out loud. “we were supposed to be camping. Campfire, marshmallows and tents and stuff.”

“Wait, you want to sleep in a tent? I thought you and Claire would bunk it up for the night,” Glowstick says.

“Yeah, we are out here. Why not use it as an opportunity Lyssa get the tent.” I say

New Purchase: Four-Person Coffy Survival Tent And Amenities

Points reduced to... 7382

A decent-sized tent appears already set up the stakes already in the ground, and some other things appear as well, including some kind of mat with blankets and pillows in front of a pile of wood that can be turned into a campfire.

“See,” I say while indicating the campsite. “Is this not way better.”

Glowstick looks at her car, then at the pile of softness. “Fuck it, you win. Did you get some food as well?” Glowstick says while grabbing a blanket and sitting down in front of the pile of wood, and starts to attempt to light it.

“No, but I can probably get some bratwurst.”