Moral Degeneration

I had worried it was going to be hard to find them. Once I was outside of the building I heard the yelling. It was Willow and Ava. They were a little down the sidewalk, but still close. Kylie wasn’t there. I guessed she stayed inside the hall to listen. 

 

I moved over to them slowly. Allowing the lovers to have a fight. I found a nice spot in the shadows and waited. Listening in to make sure Ava didn’t try to run again. 

 

“Just leave me alone,” Ava said. “I told you we are done.”

 

“But why? What is wrong? What aren’t you telling me?” Willow asked. “Everything was great a few weeks ago. We were talking about getting a place. We were talking about the future.”

 

“It’s because of him!” Ava spat. It wasn’t a big surprise to figure out who she was talking about.  “He’s got me all crazy. I don’t know what to do. I’m just not myself anymore. My thoughts are all over the place. One second I’m fine. Then I -I -I don’t know I start thinking. And hating myself. And I keep…” she cried. “I keep pushing you and everyone away.”

 

“Why?” Willow asked. “Just talk to me. Why do you hate yourself? What is going on with you?”

 

“I don’t know. I keep making all these mistakes. Doing things I shouldn’t. I,” she hesitated for a long time. Crying now as she stared at Willow. “I messed up. I cheated on you.”

 

Willow stepped back as if struck. “Who?” She asked. 

 

“Me,” I said. Walking over to them it was best to take responsibility for my actions. The girls turned to me. Willow had a betrayed look on her face still. Ava was ashamed. 

 

“It was me,” I said. “I pushed Ava.” I moved closer to them. Admitting that I was in the middle of these 2 that’s what I did. I moved between them. “I don’t have an excuse. I approached Ava and did something I shouldn’t have. I took advantage of her when she was drunk on New Years.”

 

Willow was weeping as I told her. Slowly she turned to Ava. Ava still cried. “You didn’t tell him we were dating.” Ava moved back. Trying to create distance from her and the situation. 

 

“No she did I-“ I tried to say. 

 

“You didn’t know we were dating,” Willow said. “Remember? And you-you didn’t tell him.” She pointed at Ava. “You said you were going to tell your family eventually. But what happened? You kissed? But you still didn’t tell him? How far did you go?”

 

Ava didn’t answer. I looked around. The venue was letting out. I felt like this wasn’t the best spot to have this conversation. Ava was shutting down and if I left things the way they were. It would only get worse. 

 

“I’ll tell you,” I said. “But let’s go somewhere else.” I walked closer to Willow. “And since Ava is having such trouble forming words I will do my best to answer for her too.”

 

“Fine,” she said. 

 

I began to walk toward Luna’s car. It was rather close. Closer than the dorm at least. I needed to be driving. All this crying was making me uncomfortable. Somehow looped into the drama I had to fix it. Or at least do damage control.

 

We made it a few paces. I turned to see Ava hadn’t taken a step with us. “Ava, get your ass in gear and follow!” I ordered. She gave me an angry glare. Her eyes still wet with tears. I thought she might run. “You run. I’ll just chase after you,” I warned. 

 

That helped convince her. She started walking after us. 

 

“Ok,” I said. “You and I are going to talk. Ava isn’t very good at it, for obvious reasons.” I turned back to make sure Ava was following. She stared daggers at me but followed. 

 

“Would you mind walking me through your relationship?” I asked. “I know some things. But I think you can fill in some blanks.”

 

Willow was silent walking next to me. Tears still flowed down her cheeks. The shorter girl was lost to the world. “What?” She asked, waking up a little. 

 

“How did you and Ava meet?” I asked. 

 

“Junior High,” she answered numbly. “We sat next to each other in Math.”

 

“How long until you became best friends?” I was trying to keep her talking as I thought about what needed to happen. 

 

“High school,” she said. “Why am I talking to you?” 

 

“Because you care about her,” I said. “She’s not going to talk herself. So we will have to get her to. You’ll never have closure unless she does.”

 

She let out a long sigh. “Do you think it’s worth it?” Willow whispered. Ava still heard. I heard her whimper behind us. She was still crying hard. I fought rolling my eyes. 

 

“That’s up to you. Let’s get all the facts and go from there. Get in,” I said. We were at Luna’s car. I started it up and the girls hesitantly got in. Willow in the front. Ava in the back. I drove. It was what I was good at. 

 

“When did you and Ava start dating?” I asked. 

 

“Last year,” Willow answered. 

 

“How far have you gone? You guys have sex a lot?” 

 

Willow eyed me. “What does that matter?”

 

“I’m curious. It’s not for my own personal spank bank. I assure you,” I said. “I swear I won’t tell anyone anything that you tell me.”

 

Willow sighed. I looked in the rear view mirror. Ava was staring out the window. “We do it enough,” Willow eventually said. That wasn’t an answer. I left it. 

 

“Alrighty. I will do my best to talk for Ava,” I said. “Since she refuses to. This is what we are left with. Ask your questions.”

 

Willow eyed me. “What the hell are you doing?” She asked. 

 

“I am answering any questions you have for Ava,” I said. “I don’t know if you know this about the Coopers. But they aren’t the best at talking about their feelings. So since her voice does not work I will do it for her. If she feels so inclined to use her voice. She can affirm or deny if what I am saying is true. But if she chooses to stay silent. Then I can say whatever I want. And it is her truth.”

 

“So ask away, Willow. Why don’t we start with the really hard to answer stuff? The more invasive the better.”

 

“This is dumb,” Willow said. Letting out a sigh she asked, “why did you cheat on me?”

 

“I don’t know,” I answered. I raised my hand stopping Willow from yelling at me. “I’ve never cheated on you with another girl. But recently a boy started living in my house. And I can’t help but be attracted to his rugged good looks and nice dick.”

 

I laughed loudly by both girls reaction to my statement. I continued. “Do you remember when I dated Micah last year?” I asked. 

 

Ava’s body jolted with the name. Willow nodded. “It lasted about a week. Not very long,” I said. “I got too into the relationship too quickly. A boy actually liked me. And I let my imagination run wild. What I didn’t know was he was just as repressed if not more repressed than I was. I made a move on him. Thinking that our relationship was ready too quickly. He called me a lot of nasty names. Just because I was interested in sex and kissing, where he was not.”

 

I looked back. Ava was staring at me. I was feeling weird talking like I was the one dating a dude. “What Ava didn’t realize is he was an immature little tool. He had even less experience doing stuff than she did. When Ava tried to do the simplest thing, he made her feel bad and dirty for wanting to try it.”

 

“Ava was very impressionable at this point. She must have thought he was a boy. He had all the right answers. He knew how people should act. And when he rejected and shamed her she shut down all those feelings.” I was kind of spitballing but it felt right with the little information I had. Ava didn’t stop me so I kept going. 

 

“I believe that Ava is a very sexual person,” I said to Willow. “Let me guess. You guys do vanilla stuff.”

 

“No,” Willow answered. “We…”

 

“You eat each other out. But no toys?” I asked. “She’s never asked you to do something interesting? Something exciting?” Willow frowned, but the truth was written on her face. 

 

“Ava is ashamed of that part of her that wants to try new things. All because a boy made her feel embarassed about that part of her.”

 

“What does this have to do with her cheating on me?” Willow whispered. 

 

“Everything,” I said. “Here she was. Repressing her desires. Letting it build up. But eventually the dam let loose. The first time we fooled around was when she was drunk. She was inebriated enough to let some of those hidden desires out. We didn’t have sex,” I assured Willow. 

 

“But she did something most people would not admit to wanting to try. She gave me a foot job,” I said. I felt weird saying it. But Ava still refused to talk. She held her face in her hands. 

 

“What the fuck is that?” Willow asked. 

 

“It’s where someone uses their feet instead of hands to jerk a guy off,” I said matter of factly. “I had never experienced one before. I have to admit it was quite good.”

 

“Then again she pushed me away. I was trying to get closer to her. But the more I did. The more she hated me. But as you now know. She is very repressed. Because I was a guy that wasn’t rejecting her urges. It built up much more quickly than before. Once again she accepted my advances.”

 

I stopped the car outside of the building. The girls had no idea where we were. They were in their own worlds as I talked. 

 

“I have condoms,” I said. “I offered to use one with Ava. She said no. I believe it was because she considered her pussy as sacred. It was only for you. In some twisted way she was trying not to cheat on you. But she is only human. She couldn’t fight her urges. That night I fucked her ass. Again, something not many women are up for trying. There was no prep work done, but another one of her desires had leaked out.”

 

“After that I thought that she would be mine. But no. She hated me even more. I’m sure she was ashamed of herself. In her own way she was still trying to not show that part of her that Micah rejected. But I was nothing to her. I didn’t make her feel shame. And she could keep that part of her away from you so you didn’t break up with her too.”

 

“Then a few nights ago. Her mother came home with a woman,” I said. I turned around to face Ava. She had her head in hands still. The strong older girl I had grown to like wasn’t there. She was a weak and messed up kid like the rest of us. 

 

“Stop me if I’m wrong here Ava. Or open your mouth at all. No one but yourself has stopped you from talking.” I paused a while. But she didn’t speak. She held her head in her hands. Unable to meet our eyes. 

 

“Her mother now had a girlfriend,” I said. “I seriously doubt you have a problem with that. Pretty much every kid has 2 moms. I think you were confronted with the reality of it. You had a girlfriend too. You were ashamed of yourself for hiding her. But here your mom was. Bringing one home. You weren’t angry at your mom, but yourself. Why couldn’t you be truthful to your girlfriend about what kind of weird fantasies you had? Why couldn’t you be truthful to your family that you had a girlfriend? Why couldn’t you be truthful to me? But most of all, why couldn’t you be truthful to yourself?”

 

I reached out. My hand went to her wrist. Pulling her hand away from her face she didn’t fight it. I ignored the stricken look on her face and pulled her hand to me. Simply giving her some human contact. 

 

“You know you have nothing to be ashamed of, right?” I asked. “Micah was in the wrong. It is completely natural to want to do things with the opposite sex at that age. Every urge you have us completly natural. And every single one of us is different. There is no shame getting turned on by odd parts of the body. No shame to want to explore one another. Try new things.”

 

Willow reached out her hand and grabbed Ava’s other one. Ava sobbed openly again. There we sat. Holding her hands as we had our therapy session in the semi-busy parking lot. 

 

“What is bad is holding it all in. Not talking about it. Making your girlfriend and loved ones feel like you don’t care about them because you don’t understand yourself.”

 

“And scene,” I said. “I am no longer Ava. She will have to do all of her talking.” I stared in her eyes. She still cried. 

 

“Ava,” I said. “I have already talked about the hard things. I have given up all of your secrets. Whatever you have to say, Willow will listen to. Because though I’ve given up your secrets. She’s still here. Still trying to make it work. Now get your mouth out of your ass and talk.”

 

I released her hand. Getting out of the car I moved over to the side of the building. Bundled up in my coat, no one knew me. I lit a cigarette and waited. It took a long time. But eventually Ava started talking to Willow. I watched them. Doing my best not to read lips. Just simply having a cigarette. Trying my best to make the house I lived in whole once more. 

 

It was a long time until the tears stopped flowing. I made a few calls. Trying to set things up. One way or another. I was going into the building behind me. 

 

Then it happened. The girls smiled. Then kissed. Then Willow was getting in the back seat and they were making out. It was a good sign. I let them have their fun. 

 

When I felt they had had enough I walked over to them. Opening the back door they breathed heavily. Pulling away from one another. 

 

“Better?” I asked. The girls blushed. 

 

“Better,” Willow said. “But not perfect.” She looked to Ava. She had an ashamed look on her face, but nodded. 

 

“Good. I have a proposal for you both.” A part of me wanted to offer a threesome, but that Hail Mary was my last resort. “I don’t know if you noticed what parking lot we are in. But this is called The Club.”

 

“There is someone I want you to meet here,” I said. “Someone’s actually. I think they could help you.”