Pink Ranger Problems

Sitting on my bed surrounded by the clothes I wore less than a week ago makes me ask the question, how did I live like that? The jumpers are way too big and most of them have logos for companies I don’t care about. The graphic tees are faded on account of me never buying more and there was no way I was going to grow back into those jeans.

"Do you see why we were worried?" Scott asks, assessing the damage.

"Shut up."

"Make me."

I held myself back from hopping to my feet and silencing him. Who I am is still up in the air right now, and even if he’s okay with it, it’s not something I can let him deal with. 

"Is there anything here that appeals to you?" I ask. 

"Only you, unfortunately." He makes it very tempting every single time he opens his mouth.

"Scott!"

"I'm not trying to be mean. It's just blue, it's really not my colour."

"It's not mine anymore either."

"Think we could pawn it off on Leo?" He laughs at his own joke. It's infuriatingly cute. 

Sitting on my bed, laughing together, it seems so perfect. If I didn't have other things to worry about I'd be all over him. Things are better than they were last week, but they aren't good enough.

"How has your week been?" He asks. 

"Boring mostly. Dad helped me apply to change my birth certificate, which is something at least."

"You'll have to talk me through that at some point."

"You haven't changed yours yet?"

"I didn't know you could."

I shouldn't giggle at that, but the idea that his licence is still in his old name makes me laugh. No one would believe the photo on it is his. Like sure they had a similar jawline, the same short brown hair, the same tan, and gorgeous brown eyes, but he was a completely different guy. And that guy wanted to date a girl like me. That guy saw the mess in front of him. Saw her old wardrobe, her old self and thought of it as a bonus.

"Well we should talk to my dad after this." I say, smiling. God that's something I can do now. Without forcing it! It just comes naturally sometimes.

"Yeah. Maybe." He didn't seem as excited as I thought he would be. 

“How has school been?” I ask him after a few seconds. 

“It's been fine. It's weird not having you there.” 

“I'm sure you're surviving,” I giggle.

“It's really good to see you, Fi.”

It feels like I'm in a dream. Those stupid dreams that made me wake up yearning, but I'm pretty sure this is real. I can just reach out and touch him. Or pinch myself. I've had to do that a few times since drinking the can. There are also other signs this isn't a dream. Namely I'm not being pounced on by Scott. Or I'm not aggressively flirting with him despite wanting to desperately. 

Yet we just stand there. Together. Not doing anything, because I still don't have any clue how to respond to someone caring about me. There isn't a question to answer. Nothing I necessarily should say.

“It's good to see you too.” It’s weird not having to tack on a word like bro or dude. I can just say it. I’m not trying to pretend to be his bro. There is no structure I have to follow anymore. No things I can't say or need to say. So why aren’t I just saying whatever I want?

“Are you coming to my class tonight?” 

I forgot it was even on. It was Friday. The community centre had reopened. Of course he had classes today. 

“I don't have a gi that fits.”

“I could lend you one of my old ones?

“I'd prefer to get one of my own. I'm not even sure I'm willing to work out in public yet,” I explain. 

“That's fair.” A frown tugs at his lips.

I want to leave the house. Being locked up is driving me crazy. That's why I asked him over today! I could at least watch right? Summer, Leo and Ziggy will be there as well. Leo has gymnastics, Ziggy is helping out with that and hitting on Leo. Summer will be studying. I could just sit with all of them for the first time since I transformed.

“I can still come. I want to see everyone.”

His face lights up.

We hung around the house as I pottered around my room figuring out what I should get rid of and how, what Scott might think is cute on me, and all that other normal stupid teenage stuff. Dad drops us off at the youth centre at five. He seems so proud of me these days. Even when I’m just asking questions about what I should do or how these processes work. I told him to lie and he didn't even bother questioning how I’d actually managed to get my hands on the can. 

Five o'clock is an interesting time at the youth centre, it was after school so there are still some people from school sitting around before the activities for the night actually start, the younger kids who come for those events were also starting to arrive with their parents to supervise. The other three are sitting around a table snacking on a bowl of fresh popcorn, Ernie looks at me as I walk in and gives us a wave. I drag Scott back outside, realising the massive error in my judgement coming here and why I'd been avoiding it. 

“Do I introduce myself to Ernie as Filia or as Ryan?”

“What?”

“Ernie. He's met Filia before!” I hiss. 

“So?”

“He thinks we are seperate people!”

“Oh.”

“What do I do?”

“Just tell him there was a temporary type or something. It’s Ernie. He won’t care as long as you're happy.”

I take a deep breath. Sure. I didn’t even have to come out today! I could do it tomorrow. Or the day after. Or never. No one would notice my old self is gone. 

It’ll be fine. Today is going to be normal. 

Ziggy knocks me to the ground with a hug before I can even get through the doorway. So not normal. Being this close to someone without warning is a lot. Way too much, in fact. I’m not sure how they can bear being this close to someone? Especially not… I'm not going there anymore. 

“You did it!”

“Did what? Can you get off me?” I yell.

“Sorry, excited.”

“It's fine. What did I do?”

“Hatched. Oh my goodness look at you. Look at you. Sweetheart, you look amazing.” They circle me like they are a very supportive dingo sizing up prey. My breathing speeds up to match their energy.

“Thanks?” What did hatched even mean in this context? Standing up and brushing my dress out helped me compose myself a little bit again. Still, they'd never been this full on before. Maybe in different ways maybe? I almost preferred being teased.

“Sorry, look, I am just very proud of you. A little frustrated it took the last few weeks for you to realise but you did it.” Was I really that bad at being a guy? 

“Ziggy I don't think she's used to this kind of attention,” Leo says and Ziggy backs away. Again, something I'm not used to, they are being delicate with me. Or at least as delicate as they can be.  

“Right, right.”

And everything is normal. We sit down together and Leo says a quick congratulations as well. I don't have to worry about everyone realising who I am anymore. Ernie doesn't notice anything and gets us the usual. No one questions why I am here. We just talk as usual.

At least I think this is the usual.

I’m actually participating now. That’s different, I guess. I’d been getting better at it as Filia and now it almost feels natural. I guess that does make it less normal, but it’s a good difference. Leo talks about his new routine. Ziggy makes fun of me for being dense. Summer brings things down to reality again talking about school, and Scott pumps himself up to reintroduce himself to his students.

Oh.

“The younger ones might not get it.” Scott chews his thumb as he talks. “Ernie said it should be fine, and none of the parents had a problem I think, but they might not believe me.”

“There are tentacle headed monsters attacking our town about once a week,” Summer says, still looking down at her page. “I don’t think transitioning is that weird in comparison.” 

“Yeah dude, and even if they don’t recognise you immediately you are still the teacher.” Leo says, while doing his stretches. “They might think you are a substitute at first but it’ll be fine.”

Is this where I come in? Did he want me here as support? Does it matter? I want to help. I hover my hand over his shoulder, and he nods giving me permission to touch.

“As soon as you start teaching, they’ll know it’s you, Scott.” I massage his shoulder.

“You sure?”

“No one else could teach like you do.”

He smiles again. Being honest with him about who I am is so much easier than concocting explanations as to why I know certain things or why I am acting so familiar with him. I can just be there for him. If I'd known that being a girl would make things better between us then I would have done it sooner. Maybe. 

Probably not. If it was that simple then I probably would have come out and or realised when he did. I wanted to be a man. Not in the way that he did, but on some level I wanted to stay a man. It didn't matter that it made me miserable, I needed it. Enough that I thought I understood why Scott wanted to be one. Even though he is happier and being a man only made me miserable. I thought that I could just follow him and eventually understand it, but it was never going to end like that. 

Summer said Ziggy could tell before I even became a ranger. The enemy had used two monsters to target my weakness; my failure at manhood. I couldn't be something I'm not. I was doomed to transition the moment I was chosen.

Scott excuses himself to get changed. Leo gets on the bar and Ziggy follows to watch and spot, leaving me alone with a silent Summer who was studying. This is better right? It has to be. If my life was a story it would have ended when I drank the juice with a “happily ever after” end card. Things are good now, so why am I still messed up over everything? Why am I still trying to hide? What is even the point anymore?

Scott's class starts and at least I can be a stereotypical ‘in love maiden’. Just thinking that makes me feel gross. I have feelings for Scott but expressing that is a completely different matter. Heat of the moment kisses where I was running on adrenalines, or passes at him while drunk were completely different to actively having to consider that we could have a proper relationship. It's barely a hypothetical anymore, a few more steps, a few magic words and he's all mine.

“Ryan, you are not a girl. Stop acting like one.” That man’s stupid voice rings in my head. 

“You’re shaking the table, Fi.” 

“What?”

“Your leg is bouncing and it’s shaking the table,” Summer says.

“Oh, sorry.”

“Are you okay?”

“I think? I don’t really know.”

Summer closes her book, one of the text books for school that I have been neglecting because of this whole thing. Hell, I'd been neglecting it even before that. 

“Is there something wrong?”

“This is permanent isn't it?” I ask. 

“It's not going to be taken away from you.”

“No, I mean like. I can't go back. There's no hiding this.” It sounds so ridiculous when I say it outloud. I chose this. I knew there was no going back and I still drank it. Basically on a whim. Getting closer to where I am meant to be, watching Scott teach class, there's no spot for Filia in that class unless I come out. No space for Filia unless I come out at school either.

“Why would you want to hide it?”

“I'm scared I guess.”

“You have us on your side. Nothing's going to happen.” And without them I would have been left in wizards tower or beaten by Anemobots. 

“I just wish I was strong enough to not need help.”

“I don't think anyone's like that.”

Maybe there's not a way to explain to her what I mean without examples. It's not worth arguing with her about. Telling her my issues won't fix them. Won't fix me. I need to just work through the rest myself. I'd done the hardest bit. They got me through that. I don't need to bother them with anything else. 

“Thanks Summer.”

“You're welcome?” She raises an eyebrow and goes back to her book.

“So how is that English textbook going?” Maybe it was better for me to just focus on her. I don't think we've been able to do that since girl's night. Is it wrong that I kind of wanted to do that again, now that I wasn't in denial. How did I not realise then?

“I'm reading ahead. I think the girl I told you about is falling behind, she looks annoyed in class and her scores are apparently not great so I think I might have an in to talk to her.” At least I'm not the only one dealing with difficult feelings.

“Oh? And how is studying an in?” I ask. 

“If I can tutor her, I can talk to her.” 

“You haven't talked to her already?”

“No. She doesn't talk to anyone but the teacher when she's asked and I can't figure out what she likes and that limits the usual ways I'd strike up a conversation.”

“You were so confident when you were teasing me,” I giggle. This is better. Thinking about other people’s issues is way easier.

“We're friends, Fi. I could pass it off as banter.” She plays with her hair, I haven't seen that before. Is she embarrassed? 

“So if you haven't talked to her, why do you like her?” I look over to Scott who is helping a newer student adjust their stance. There are a fair few reasons I could list for liking him… 

“I am not immune to mysterious women.” She's getting red in the face now. 

Stifling a laugh is harder than I thought it would be. “Seriously?”

“It's not just that obviously. Like even outside of thinking she's hot, I think she could use some friends. I don't think I've seen her with anyone since she moved here. “

“I thought you were just being a good student.”

“It can be two things. Don't tell the others.”

There is no way that meant what I thought it meant. “You haven't told anyone else?”

“No. I haven't. Scott's been busy figuring stuff out and I am not dealing with Ziggy's teasing.”

Maybe things would be okay? 

“It’s a secret between us.”