Self Insert as Spider-Man MCU

“Thank you, May! That was the best non-kiss I've ever had.” I joked after I pulled the fake lips off.

May laughed some more and waved me away. “Go find your boss and give her an actual kiss.”

“Go find her? She's right there.” I said and pointed over her shoulder.

May turned around and saw Maria standing there. May stepped to the side and waved Maria forward. Maria nodded to her and stepped close to me.

“Thank you for allowing this.” I said to her as I put my arms around her waist. “Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year.” Maria said back and leaned down to give me a pretty solid kiss for several seconds. “Don't expect to have this much leeway with me while at work, Mister Parker.”

I couldn't stop my smile at the wording. “That won't be a problem. I'll just have to give you quick kisses when you're not expecting them.”

“Ben, stop twisting people's words.” May said as Maria stepped away.

“Why? It's so much fun making people think about what they are going to say to me next.” I said and nodded at Maria. “Believe me, it takes a lot to make a woman of her importance smile.”

Maria nodded back to me and then May. “Mister Parker, May Parker.”

We watched her walk away and then looked at each other.

“Ben, what were you thinking? She's your boss!”

“Yeah.” I said and smirked at her. “She's a great kisser, too.”

“Ben, that's not the point.” May said with a sigh.

“Oh, I think it is.” I said with a chuckle and took her hand. “Come on, I want to see who else I can trick into a kiss.”

May shook her head and followed me anyway.

To both of our surprises, there were quite a few socialites that had no problem whatsoever kissing someone that they had just met. In fact, the tall blonde model that had been the senator's date for the evening, had given me a ten second kiss, gave May an appraising look, then she kissed her for ten seconds, too.

“Happy New Year.” She said and handed each of us a business card. “Call me.”

May and I exchanged shocked looks and looked back at her.

“You need me to work for your company.” She said with confidence and then walked away with a huge sway in her hips that should have been illegal.

“That did not just happen.” I managed to say as I looked at May. “Tell me that did not just happen.”

“That did... not happen.” May said and looked at the card. “I should throw this away.”

I couldn't stop my chuckle. “I want to do that and I know I'll regret it if I do.”

May nodded. “That was an effective sales strategy.”

“She definitely let her tongue do the talking for her!” I said and laughed.

May laughed, too. “That terrible pun shouldn't be that funny. I think we've had too much champagne.”

“I agree.” I said and tucked the card into my pocket. “We better leave before anyone else convinces us to hire them.”

“We didn't hire her.” May said and took my hand.

“Yes, we did.” I said and led her across the dance floor to the elevator. “We should have said no right away and we didn't.”

“Dammit.” May said and tucked the card into her purse. “How can we hire her if we don't have an office for her to work out of?”

The elevator arrived and we stepped in. Surprisingly, we were the only ones leaving at that time.

“Who said we don't have an office?” I asked with a knowing smile.

“Ben, you better stop teasing me with all this shit.” May said, a bit angrily.

“Language!” I gasped and then laughed. “I'm buying a case of this champagne later. You never curse.”

“BEN!” May spat.

“Sorry! Sorry!” I said and put an arm around her. “I've arranged with Jarvis to rent out the whole sixtieth floor. We got it cheap, because he's just that awesome... and I arranged to have two server farms installed for his full backups in case he ever needs them.”

May gave me an incredulous look. “Who the hell is Jarvis?”

I burst out laughing and laughed until the elevator was about halfway down to the ground floor. “He's the world's first, foremost, and only AI at the moment.” I said. “His full name is 'Just A Rather Very Intelligent System'. J.A.R.V.I.S. is the acronym.”

“What idiot named him all of that crap?” May asked me and hugged me close.

“Duh! Tony, of course. He could have just named him after his trusty butler named Jarvis and instead made a stupid acronym.” I shook my head. “Sorry, Jarvis. I'm not making fun of your name. I'm making fun of the reasons behind it.”

“That's all right, Ben. You are inebriated and I must make allowances for your fallacy.” Jarvis said.

“Ha! How sick of doing that are you?” I asked.

“I'm not human, therefore I cannot be sick.” Jarvis responded.

“Bahaha! You can catch viruses. I'm glad you don't, though.” I said. “Anyway, thanks for allowing me entrance tonight. My aunt and I appreciate visiting.”

“You are welcome, Ben.”

“I hope you can have the computer equipment delivered over the next few days, because I'm going back to school soon and I want your back-ups running smoothly before my spare time runs out again.”

“I will have everything delivered as quickly as possible.” Jarvis said as the elevator stopped. “Goodnight.”

“Night, buddy!” I said and the elevator doors opened. I walked out with May and the security guy didn't look up from his cell phone. I could have attacked and killed him before he even knew what was happening. I somehow found that funny and laughed.

“How are we getting home?” May asked me.

“Limo!” I said and took out my cell phone and sent the prepared text.

We went out through the front door and the doorman gave me a thumbs-up sign and waved off my money offer.

“Happy New Year!” I said as the limo came to a stop in front of us.

“Happy New Year.” The doorman said as the driver came around the car. The driver opened the limo door for us and I helped May enter and then entered myself.

The drive seemed to take no time at all and we were inside our building and the apartment before I realized it. Thankfully, I double-checked the door was locked before I turned around to see if May needed a hand going up the stairs. I froze because May had slipped the dress off and she only wore the sexy blue lingerie, the diamond necklace, diamond earrings, and her high heels.

“I finally get to tease you back!” May said and turned around and wiggled her ass at me. She turned back and grinned at my stunned face. “I hope this helps you jerk off later while you imagine doing your boss.”

“Y-yeah, I'm going to imagine my boss.” I lied badly.

May laughed and stalked over to me as she walked in a straight line with each foot in front of the other. She stopped in front of me and her hand dug into my coat pocket. She pulled out the fake lips I had and slapped them onto my face.

“You are very lucky that even a little tipsy, I won't cross that line. I can't kiss my nephew like a man. I just can't.” May said and put her arms around my neck and pressed herself into me from her hips to her chest, then she kissed me pretty passionately.

When she broke the kiss, the look on her face was profoundly sad.

“If you were anyone else, I wouldn't feel so guilty about doing things like this. That's how I know doing anything more would be bad. Very bad.”

“You feel guilty?” I asked as I took off the lips.

“We are the only family that either of us has in this world. It's okay to like you. It's okay to love you. What's not okay is to kiss you or to have sex with you. It's not okay to lead you on or give you hope that if you are patient, I will eventually give in and let you into my bed.” May shook her head. “That's not something family does.”

I swallowed audibly before I spoke. “You married my paternal uncle and we're not blood related.”

“Silly Ben! It's not just blood that makes a family. It's feelings, emotions, countless bonding moments, and caring about someone so much that their happiness matters more to you than your own happiness. That's the truth. That's true love. That's pure love.” May smiled beautifully and her sadness disappeared. “I don't want to ever give that up or lose it, now that I have it.”

“I don't want to lose it either.” I said and cupped the sides of her face with my hands. “Thank you for explaining, because I couldn't have said it better myself.”

May nodded and took my hands from her face to hold them. “Now carry me up to bed and let me sleep this off. Being even a little free with my actions could have explosive consequences.”

I laughed at that and nodded. “Like Mount Vesuvius explosive!”

May looked shocked for a second, then she burst out laughing.

I scooped her up into my arms and she clung to me as she kept laughing. I brought her to her room and when I put her down onto the bed, she held onto my neck. “May, what is it?”

“Thank you.” May said and pulled me down to kiss my cheek before she let me go. “This was the best New Year's Eve I've ever had.”

“Me, too.” I said and took out the fake lips to hand to her. “Here, have fun.”

May laughed as she took them, then she kissed them six times and hugged them. “Goodnight, Ben.”

“Goodnight, Aunt May.” I said and stood to tuck her under her blanket. I left her room and went downstairs to pick up her dress, fake fur wrap, and clutch purse. I put them on the couch and went upstairs to my room. I didn't get changed for bed, though. I locked my bedroom door, put on my Spider-Man costume and disguised backpack, and went out the window.

Now that I wasn't solely focused on May, I could hear fireworks and noisemakers echoing from the nearby buildings. My spider-sense wasn't going off, so I shot a webline to the next building and swung down through the alleyway. Another webline at the top corner of the closest building let me swing out into the street and around the corner.

I soared through the air and let my spider-sense guide me. I heard a particularly loud crack and knew it wasn't a firework. I rotated my body in mid-air, thanks to my enhanced agility and changed my orientation before I shot another webline and pulled as hard as I could. My body jerked and I flew off in the changed direction as if I had always been going that way and I quickly found what I was looking for.

A man stood above another man with murder in his eyes and the man on the pavement held his bleeding shoulder. It was too dark to tell what race they were and it didn't matter. I double-tapped my web shooter's pressure trigger and shot a web ball that hit the gun to cover it and the shooter's hand completely.

Both men let out startled yells as I landed, then my foot was buried into the shooter's gut and I grabbed his neck and flipped him upside down. I quickly shot a web ball at the nearby wall and then I drop-kicked him and shot a spray of webbing at him. He hit the wall with a grunt and then he was webbed up completely.

“Maaan okaay?” I said in a deep growl as I dropped to the ground and crawled creepily.

The man on the ground stiffened and didn't respond.

“I check.” I said and he didn't move his hand. I easily pulled his hand away and then pulled out a thin probing tool from the evidence gathering kit.

“NO! STOP!” The man yelled.

“Quiiiiet.” I growled and webbed up his mouth and his hands to keep him still. I did a quick examination and saw the wound was a through and through, so I packed it with gauze and then taped up both ends. “Hosssspitaaal.”

I picked the man up and then used a cell phone to record the perpetrator and the location. I sent a text to the NYPD and then I swung out of the alleyway using only one hand and held onto the injured man with the other. I sent a text to the hospital as well and I arrived there a couple of minutes later. Two paramedics were there and I was slightly disappointed that they weren't the two that I had met before.

“Gunnnn shhhot. Through ssshoulder. Packkked.” I said and put the man on the stretcher.

The man on the right checked him and nodded. “This is good work, Spider-Man.”

“I get evidennnnce noww.” I said and used a bit of dissolving spray on the victim's hands and mouth to remove the webbing before I leapt up into the air and swung away to head back to that alley.

I had a feeling that my night was going to be a long one, especially if I had to wait for a particular person to be alone.

*

Alexander Pierce, the security council member that had attended Stark's New Year bash, rolled out of the bed at three in the morning and stretched. He had drunk too much and desperately needed to empty his bladder. On the plus side, his young mistress had been drunk herself and forgot to expect him to do all the work like he usually did. She had taken over and they had both enjoyed it.

He didn't bother turning on the light, because the illumination from the window was plenty to see by. The nice breeze was also a welcome one. He pulled his underwear down and started to relieve himself as he stared at the wall behind the toilet. It took him nearly ten seconds to remember that his mistress' apartment was on the top floor of the building and the bathroom window couldn't open.

He let his member go and tried to reach for the back-up pistol inside the toilet tank just as a fist that felt like steel hit him on the back of the head. It knocked him silly and he was only slightly surprised that he wasn't dead as he was easily picked up and carried out through the bathroom window. His dazed mind didn't start to question things until they were on the roof and he stood on the edge of the building.

“Hail Hydra!” A mechanical voice said from behind him and then he was tumbling through the air.

The security council member didn't bother to scream as the ground rushed up to meet him. With all the noise and revellers still around, no one would hear him anyway.

*

An alarm rang through the monitoring station and the woman there hit the kill button and checked the feed that activated the alarm. When she played it back and saw a prominent member of the government fall to his death, she hit the panic button.

*

Nick Fury sat in the completely silent meeting room two hours later and everyone around him looked dishevelled and unhappy. They had just listened and watched as the sole person they had been assigned to protect was unceremoniously tossed off the top of a building.

In the middle of Manhattan.

On New Year's Eve.

In front of a camera.

Their camera.

“I want answers, people.” Fury whispered and his voice still carried through the room. “Widow? Hawkeye?”

“We had eyes on the VIP until he turned off the lights. We switched to night vision and set it to monitor the bedroom without invading his privacy, as is standard policy.” Natasha said and nodded to Clint.

“I kept watch on the surrounding buildings for any movement and set sensors on every access point to the apartment.” Clint said. “The bathroom window was solid and not operable. I still added a sensor to it.”

Fury nodded. Covering bases was always a good idea.

“It was shorted out without setting it off and the glass was removed. We couldn't find it.” Clint said and several other people nodded. It had been an exhaustive search, too. “The target was carried out through that window to the roof, completely out of my sight.”

“Our sight.” Natasha corrected. “I saw the target enter the bathroom and he didn't come out right away. I assumed he was still using it when the panic alarm was triggered.”

Fury couldn't begrudge her that decision. The last thing they needed was to burst in on a target and find out they were just on the toilet and not actually in trouble. It was just too bad that this time, the target had actually been in trouble.

“Assessments?” Fury asked.

“It was a target of opportunity.” Maria Hill said and Phil Coulson nodded in agreement.

“There were several times all evening that the planners had intentionally left holes open in the security plan and none of them were attempted.” Phil said. “Whoever it was had waited for the right opportunity to strike and took it. No evidence except from the target was left.”

Fury let his eye roam over everyone and stayed silent until he made a decision. “You're all in the clear. I can find no fault in either procedure or execution.”

Everyone visibly relaxed.

“Dismissed.” Fury said and everyone left, except Maria. “Play the muted audio, please.”

Maria nodded and played the cued up part that happened just before the man had been shoved.

“Hail Hydra!” A mechanical voice said from the recording.

“Any clues from it?” Fury asked.

“The tech team tore it apart and discovered that it is a basic text to speech synthesizer.” Maria said and Fury's eyebrows rose. “As far as they can determine, they typed out the words with various letters to get the appropriate sounds of actual speech, rather than rely on the program to use the typed words.”

Fury sat back in his chair and nodded. “That would allow a better flow of words and still retain the mechanical timbre.”

“Yes, sir. This was planned well in advance and whoever did it knows our procedures.”

“Or had access to the security plans for tonight.” Fury said. “I assume you checked on that?”

Maria nodded and handed over a piece of paper with the names of anyone that had access those particular files and references. They had all been in the meeting room.

“None of them could have done it.” Fury said and Maria shook her head. “Any ideas? Off the record.”

“Sir, I can't even speculate on...” Maria stopped talking when her cell phone beeped at her. “I'm sorry, sir. I thought I turned it off.”

Fury nodded and waved for her to check it.

Maria took it out and then sucked in a sharp breath. She didn't say anything and handed the phone to Fury. His sole eye nearly popped out of his head as he read the anonymous email that contained the secret files that had been altered for Project Insight, the brain child of Alexander Pierce. The man who had just been killed while under SHIELD protection.

“Well, fuck.” Fury cursed and Maria nodded.