The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer

I clasped my hands around my ears. 

It wasn’t nearly enough. I needed a dozen pillows instead. And also a cathedral bell to either drown out the screech or wall around the source. 

“Coppelia?!”

Despite the words exiting my lips, I wasn’t able to register them. 

It … It was dreadful.

A wail which reverberated up my spine and shook my ears from inside out. Even with my palms cushioning them, it could not stop a noise surpassed only by a noblewoman discovering their first grey hair. A scream harsh enough to cause banshees to slink away.

Hearing this … I came to one conclusion.

Either the world was ending or my mother was in a bad mood.

Both spelled the same outcome.

“Coppeeeliiaaa! Make it stop!”

Whatever Coppelia’s reply, I didn’t hear it. 

Her lips moved as she smiled apologetically. A smile also tinged with ever increasing concern as she struggled to close the black window she’d summoned. It fought against her palms as she desperately pressed it to a close. Yet like squeezing a fruit slime, that black void did nothing but stubbornly quiver.

Until finally–

“Ta-da! I fixed it!”

Coppelia looked up at me from the floor.

She did not, in fact, fix it.

Rather … she’d simply muffled the orchestra of scratching chalkboards by lying upon her hands. 

Leveraging the greater void which was her tummy, a bearable, if still alarming wail now sounded throughout a common room where only us stood to hear it. 

The race between alcohol and fists was over. And they were both plucky losers. 

Hoodlums lay sprawled over tables and chairs, froth seeping from lips as only the whites of their eyes showed. An innkeeper was missing from his counter, the weight of the howl having blasted him into a kitchen several steps away. Groans filled the air as knaves now found themselves robbed in my place. And what they’d lost were their wits.

Slowly, I lifted my hands from my ears. But only a little bit. 

I tilted my head slightly, hoping to out pour some of the noise ringing inside my head.

“What … What is that ghastly racket?”

“Hm? What racket?” A very optimistic clockwork doll peered down at the hands she couldn’t see. “Oh, this? … Don’t worry about it. Happens all the time.”

“E-Excuse me? What happens all the time? Did someone discover that liver terrine with orange sauce was being served for dinner? … Why, I can practically feel the grief!”

“Oh, that’s not grief. That’s just the alarm.”

“The alarm? What alarm?”

“The mandrakes.  Someone probably accidentally tripped over them. They’re really grumpy.”

I raised my hands in exasperation. And then immediately sent them cupping my ears again.

“Did I hear that right? Mandrakes? You use plants famed for their deathly wail as alarms?” 

“Great, huh? You can just skip the bit where the guards rush over only to find all the miscreants vanished with only a taunting note behind them. The alarm does all the work!”

I was appalled.

After all ... why had I never considered such an ingenious idea myself?!

“V-Very well! That is a shrewd idea … and one I’ll be inquiring about later. Even so, this is highly uncomfortable … can you not make it stop?”

“No worries! I have an idea.”

Coppelia scooted slightly forwards, still hugging her own hands. 

Then, she nudged the sack over with her head, before pouncing upon it to the sound of a disgruntled squeak coming out from within. The wail lessened considerably as she plugged her temperamental window into the abyss.

A moment later–it ceased entirely.

Calm returned, leaving only tinnitus and groans in its place. 

Coppelia slowly stood up. Gone was the magical sack with whatever hamster it contained. But not the narrow slip of black curtain between her palms. With a rare note of caution, she slowly parted them just wide enough to offer the sight of her smile. 

It was the only thing which caused the darkness to recede.

“Hi there! It’s the all singing, all dancing Coppelia! I have money! And stuff! A whole sack of stuff! Did you get it? … Sorry if it hit your face!”

Coppelia waited. As did I with my ears still cupped.

The seconds passed. A pause turned to silence. And silence turned to a casual whistle as Coppelia’s expression tensed. She closed one eye and turned away, bracing for the dreaded bonk. 

The din of a merciful silence was her only answer.

“... Heeelloooooooooooooooo … ?”

It wasn’t enough.

Her nod to caution vanishing, she resized her mysterious black window.

Up, down, left and right. Bigger, smaller, and then into the shape of a duck, she did her best to jostle whoever was ignoring her on the other side. The shadows stretched and toiled as she pinched the thick strands like wet clay … before ending up with a perfectly symmetrical lattice strudel.

I nodded. Simple. But aesthetically pleasing. 6.5/10.

“Is there any way I can assist?” I asked, hoping there wasn’t.

“No idea. This is new to me.”

“I see … is your unexplained portable abyss stuck?”

“Maybe. Usually my thingy opens and closes when I want. If it’s not, it’s because something’s blocking the way. Like the big guy. But I don’t think he’s in. And let me tell you–he’s always in.”

She turned to me with her most excited smile yet.

“Mmh! … Something’s definitely weird.”

I finally uncupped my ears in order to do the important task of gesturing everywhere instead.

“Coppelia, you need to be specific. Everything is weird. And that’s only in this room. I cannot know if you’re referring to the mysterious void between your hands, the magical sack I hope isn’t lost on another continent, the portrait of a tortured goddess or the fact that nobody has tried to rob me yet.”

All of a sudden, the black curtain shimmered like the disturbed surface of an inkwell. And I realised with a heavy heart that the weirdest thing was yet to happen.

How did I know this?

Because Ouzelia.

“... Coppelia? Is that you?”

A much smaller voice than I last recalled exited from the black window.

Far from any words quaking with unseen strength, it was soft and inquisitive. A girl’s voice.

“Oooooooh!” Coppelia’s eyes sparkled, her head seemingly in no more danger as she turned to me. “That sounds like Fleur! … She’s a librarian! One of the nicer ones who doesn’t yell at me just because I’m talented enough to multitask cleaning and eating at the same time!”

“Oh, thank goodness it’s you! Coppelia, something terrible has happened!”

“Ahaha~ I know, I know. Any moment I’m not feeding Archie the killer goat is awful because nobody else wants to do it. Say, where’s the big guy? Is he napping? Even given the way he snores, I figured someone accidentally punting the mandrakes would’ve woken him.”

“They weren’t punted! The mandrakes were disturbed! By intruders!”

“Wow, that is terrible. Are the golems okay? You know how excited they get after pummelling things.”

“The golems are not okay! They’re really sad!”

“Oh. Well, just so you know, I’m not cleaning up after them. If they don’t know how to stomp intruders gently, that’s something they need to learn.”

“No, it’s not that! … The master’s been taken!”

“Ahahaha~ you and your famously bad jokes. That’s a good one. You’ve broken the streak.”

“This is not a joke! The master was seized in the night! He’s been abducted!”

“... Oh, really?”

“Really!”

Coppelia looked at the corner in thought.

Then, she nodded.

“Got it. Gimme a moment. I’m just going to close my thingy since my hand feels like it’s on fire.”

She did just that.

With a clap and a flick of her hands, Coppelia lightly hopped on the spot as she flicked away the smoke rising from her palms. Once more or less extinguished, she turned her smile towards me instead.

“... Phew! I’m glad that wasn’t the big guy. Anyway, want to see what’s on the dessert menu?”

I rubbed my eyes. And then I tapped my ears. 

I still didn’t know which to doubt more.

“C-Coppelia?! … It sounds like this curator of yours has been abducted!”

“Oh, so I wasn’t hearing things. In that case, I’m probably going to have to sort that out. I’ll just quickly go rescue him.”

I looked north in utter confusion. Or east. Either way, her library was somewhere not even Coppelia’s long distance hopscotches could swiftly take her.

“Excuse me? What do you mean you’ll quickly rescue him? Is the owner of your library being kidnapped a frequent occurrence?”

“Nope. Completely new. But I’m sure these things happen when you own a magical library.”

“... Then, how long will it take?”

Coppelia shrugged.

“Eh, a few days, a few weeks, a few decades. It depends. I’ll need to ask Fleur for details.”

My mouth widened.

A … A few decades?!

By then, I would have aged as much as a month in princess years!

“Wha–?! That is wholly unacceptable! I refuse to allow you to depart my side for that long!”

“Hmmmmmmm … but this sounds like a problem. If the big guy’s been kidnapped, then that’ll mean the library probably has to close. And I’m not really sure if anyone would take in Archie the killer goat. Plus since I’m an assistant librarian, I think I’m sort of obliged to do something.”

I held back my groan.

And here I thought only I needed to bother Coppelia with being rescued.

The absolute nerve of this man to inconvenience me! It was already bad enough he laid claim to Coppelia’s loyalty, but to seek to monopolise her time as well was unforgivable! 

No … this clearly needed to be addressed!

Her employment status was in a state of flux. Yes, she’d never signed anything with me nor once verbally acknowledged being my handmaiden despite the fact I was constantly waiting for her to slip up while pretending I wasn’t. 

But being by my side was more than a profession!

It was a way of life!

Indeed, it was one that necessitated tasting fresh apple strudels from the Royal Villa’s kitchens one bite at a time while decadently discarding the rest … that was a needless waste she had earned the right to enjoy, and I would not see her robbed of a single crumb!

A problem, then.

Because if this employer of hers had decided to go missing, then I could hardly negotiate with him.

Not unless …

“Oooh~” Coppelia waved in front of me. “Your face is making a weird expression.”

“It is not a weird expression. It is my thinking expression.”

“Your thinking expression looks really pained.”

“Yes. Yes it does.”

I massaged my temple. 

It didn’t help. Nothing would against what I was considering. But if I was to address the issue, then I would do so now. A conversation that was long overdue.

“Do you truly intend on returning to the library?”

“Weeell, I definitely need to at least poke my head in. I like being popular. Not helping is how that stops.”

I sucked in a deep breath.

And then, I nodded. No thinking was required. In fact, the less thinking involved, the better!

Because in this case, thinking only meant pain.

“... Very well, then. I can hardly fault you for wishing to come to the aid of those who allow themselves to be abducted. Rather, that is an admirable quality. And one I shall rely upon you to perform again at an unspecified time in the future.”

“Great! In that case, I’ll just be a few–”

“Which is why I shall go as well.”

Coppelia tilted her head slightly, her smile fixed.

“Eh?”

I placed my hand upon my chest, smiling resolutely as I did so. 

Yes, even as all I felt was deep apprehension and a wall of mental trauma. 

“O-Ohohoho … indeed, you may rejoice … for I shall accompany you to … to Ouzelia.”

For a moment, my loyal handmaiden was rendered speechless. I sketched this triple rainbow forever in my memories.

“... You want to go to the land of oddballs?”

“No. No I do not. Neither do I want to see to the welfare of your employer. Least of all since he is now officially inconveniencing me. But I do want to hold a candid conversation regarding your working status. One that will never be resolved if you are lost in the wilds of Ouzelia.”

“Hey! The wilds there are nice! Only half the things which look like they want to eat you actually do! The other half just want to use you as a back scratcher!”

I pursed my lips.

“... R-Regardless, I shall find and negotiate with him in order to permit your continued stay while I am in need. If nothing else, I refuse to let you leave without having experienced choux pastry made with actual cream and not whatever solidified sadness you’ve experienced so far … this I insist upon!”

Yes … even if it meant taking a short … very short detour to Coppelia’s homeland!

For a moment, she merely blinked, as if making sure the look of determination mixed with contrition was real. 

Sadly, it was.

And so–

“Woooooooooo!” She raised both arms in joy, her smile blooming against a dimming hearthfire. “I get to show you Henry the crab! This. Is. Awesome!”  

“I … I don’t want to see Henry the crab, thank you …”